i have let those i loved
convince me i am nothing.
instead of giving up love
i continue to do so wholeheartedly,
as long as i never forget
to love myself

children play with lots of toys
that help them find their passion -
or what isn’t their passion -
a little girl may dress up dolls
and find a love of fashion design
or a little boy may play with cars
and dream about driving nascar.

alternatively
a little girl may play a game of operation
and decide she never wants to be a doctor
or a little boy may play on a sports team
and realize he never wants to be an athlete.

me? i’m not the little girl
finding her dreams or dislikes.
i’m the one being used by boys
to find what they don’t like in a girl.
i’m not a person to them, i’m a toy.
they use what they like,
critique my flaws,
and return me saying
i’m just not what they really wanted.
no concern for my emotions,
only worried about using me
until i’ve served my purpose
of helping them find
what they don’t want in a girl

just love me
with every bone in your body
and every piece of your soul,
with every beat of your heart
and that will be enough

a room full of men
making laws for women’s bodies
making the first choice for them

when will a woman’s choice
actually become
a woman’s choice?

why should men first decide
whether we get the choice at all?

i walk around my kitchen
at half past one in the morning
sipping on water in silence
as my parents are sound asleep.
why am i not sleeping, too?
i’m restless,
i can’t bring myself to settle down.
maybe i’m anticipating your call,
which will never come
or your knock at my door,
which will never happen,
and yet i keep myself awake
hoping you will be the first to say
i’m sorry

you knew i liked you
but we had become so close as friends
that when you asked me out i hesitated
i didn’t want to ruin everything.
not again.

we went out anyways.
i kept my distance,
but ended up regretting it -
i was into you and
that was that.

i fought my nerves and
confronted you about my feelings.
you didn’t want a relationship,
you were leaving soon and
couldn’t commit

but you liked me too
and didn’t want to do nothing about it.
friends with benefits
you suggested.
that didn’t seem like me
but maybe it was exactly what i needed
i agreed
under the conditions that
nothing hurt our friendship

we went out again.
you didn’t know if we should,
you thought it didn’t seem like me
i agreed
i’m sentimental
why do i have to be so sentimental

later you said you wanted to kiss me
and i really wanted to kiss you too
so we did.
it felt passionate and intimate
i felt closer to you.
a couple weeks went by
no talk about it.

i confronted you again.
i couldn’t give myself
to someone i’m not dating
you wanted more than kissing
or you wanted nothing at all
you didn’t want me to regret anything
that i did with you
i wasn’t sure what i wanted.

i said we should
test the waters
so i said you could touch me
i felt i needed to experience new levels of
physical intimacy
with someone i trusted.
that someone was you.

until you grew impatient of
my virginity
you cut off our deal
insisting it had nothing to do with me
that’s my problem
you said.
i said it’s fine, our friendship is most important.
it is most important.
i could never risk losing you that way

something still twisted inside my gut
at what you said
i thought you wanted to be intimate with me
because you liked me for me
no
you just wanted somebody -
some body-
to give you that easy lay.

but i wouldn’t give myself up that easily
you couldn’t handle it
you were done with me
i felt like i was less than a person to you
a person i had trusted with
everything i am.

i have always been in love with the night sky.
the stars, the planets, and the moon,
shedding their light on us,
sparkling like fallen glitter.
on clear, dark nights, i wander out to my street,
blanket over my shoulders with my sky chart in hand,
and gaze endlessly at the stars
picking out constellations and planets
soaking in the beauty that the universe has to offer.
i love it, and i always have.
but lately the stargazing has been different.
i go through the same routine -
looking at the sky, finding constellations,
and studying the mythology behind them -
but when i’m out there on my street
looking up at the night sky
i want you to be there next to me,
looking up at it too.
i want to point out constellations to you
and tell you about them.
i want to show you the planets
that you never realized you could see before.
i want to tell you all about this beautiful part of nature
that i love so deeply with my whole heart -
and yet i can’t.
because when i’m out on my street
i’m out there alone
gazing at the night sky in pure solitude
and i can only dream that you are next to me.

there are days where i am the girl who
wears all black clothing
with red lipstick
and listens to alternative rock music

there are days where i am the girl who
picks flowers and
wears flowy dresses
while she makes her own skin care

there are days where i am the girl who
puts on a pair of mom jeans
to hang out with friends
and sip on iced coffee

but there are the days where i am the girl who
stays in her pajamas all day
eating ice cream and
binge watching tv shows
because she is sad

there are the days where i am the girl who
sleeps until three in the afternoon
and is still tired,
taking another nap
because real life *****

i am an ever changing enigma,
for one day i will be someone
and the next day, someone else.
but those who know and care for me
will stick by my side
no matter how i am feeling
or who i feel like being that day
because they know that the real me
is always there.

the freckles on my skin
are constellations
waiting to be explored

i am loud
yes, i am very loud
i have been told by many people
to shut up
to stop talking
to quit being so. ****. loud.
it's who i am
i've always been loud.
maybe it's because i was the youngest child
and it was difficult for my voice to be heard if i didn't raise it,
or maybe because in a group of friends
my story was never listened to,
instead it was talked over
so maybe i'm loud
but i'd rather be loud
than never be heard

it’s 2:07 am
and i’m in my bed
listening to songs
about missing you
trying to cry
the emotions out of me.

the hot summer night
keeps me awake
with the thought of you
holding me in your arms
because the heat
is worth your presence

and with every passing minute
every moment
you still haven’t called
i get worse
what happened
where did it go
our friendship
withered away
like plants in winter
and so did our summer love

i can’t be the only one
who has stood up to this behavior.
have none of the other girls
demanded respect from you,
or did they deal with it
so they didn’t feel like a bother?
or maybe they did,
and that’s what you meant
when you told me they were crazy,
or possessive,
or needy,
when all they really did
was ask for the respect they deserve.
i can’t sit idly by while you continue
to treat them like an object
that you are free to play with
however you feel.
respect women,
respect their bodies and their feelings,
and one day you will thank me.

there was poison dripping
from your mouth with every
word you spoke, and every
lie you told, and every
i love you.
but all i saw was liquid gold
and i was in love.