Aggressively pounding my head against these walls
Waiting for that overrated empire called love to finally fall
Starting wars and dodging when the draft is called
Given a running start and not having to crawl
Feeling like every nice night has to be an emotional brawl
**Your affection is wildlife and I was ******* mauled

They don’t know I’ve been suppressed for the longest time

I’d have to blow my brain out to ignore my mind...

~

If I left it up to them, we’d fall behind

And I’d rather let the hate drive me cuz that fake love is blind...

Eventually, we'll all have to resign.
Because, no matter how hard we try,
And no matter how hard we grind,
We can't stop the natural progression of time.

We're painted illusions
To give us delusions
Of immortality
A lack of morality
This mentality
The new reality

Eventually, we'll show signs of age and decay.
You can't hold on to a moment; you can't relive a day.
Simply put, don't let your time go to waste
And don't waste it trying to live it in haste

Honestly, sweetheart, I don't see
Why you can't see
That you belong with me
And you want to belong to me
I go back to you; you come back to me
You're just as hooked, baby
That's clear to see
Oblivious, you try to seem
But, love, you can't lie to me
You're simply scared of me
Because I've evoked feelings
And you were sent reeling
You feel confused and guilty

You admitted I'm on your mind
I know you wouldn't rewind
You and I are the only two of our kind
Others like us are hard to find
You'd rather not leave me behind
I was yours; now you're mine
That fact has you in a bind
As we met, the planets aligned
There's no need for me to remind
Naturally, we were intertwined
Different than the rest of mankind
*Basically, you were made to be mine
So, darling, you must be blind

I smoke 4 am cigarettes
For my 4 am regrets

...

Money, drugs, and cheap ***
Nothing more, nothing less

And coordinated train wrecks
With filthy secrets to confess

Beer breath and sad texts
Bred by my building stress

...

I smoke 4 am cigarettes
For my 4 am regrets

If I were to disclose the pain that is inside me
You'd never believe
You'd call me a liar, an attention *****
So I keep it to myself

I smile for you, I laugh
I hold my head high every second
All the while, I'm crying inside
Breaking within myself

But you'd never know
You'd deny it if I told you
Everyone would
So I only write about it

I hide it away
Lock it up inside of me
Simply cry myself to sleep
When I'm alone

Never would you know
How broken and crushed I am
How this life has taken its tole on me
You'd never see it

Ask for help
I'd never do such a thing
That would require someone who cares
I can't find that anywhere

So I'll stay this way
For the rest of my existence
You'll continue to greet my smile
And ignore my suffering

It's not being sad
Or crying all the time

It's not being lonely
Or staying up at night

It's being numb
And feeling hollow

It's being empty
And drinking endlessly

It's grasping desperately
At what you used to be
And clinging to anything
That gets you through the day

It's depression.

Smooth whiskey, sweet wine
Been so long since I've called you mine
Drunk calls, words slurred
All is grey because the lines have blurred
Double vision, tipsy steps
Sipping up every drop that's left

I always thought that we'd be stronger than this.
That we'd be able to make it through anything.

We always said we could handle these storms.
That we'd love each other through anything.

And suddenly, when the storm begins,
You're ready to leave, and let us end.

Just like that, with absolutely no warning,
You told me "I just don't wanna be in a relationship right now."

Do you even know how broken I became
When you said that that day?

After a year and six months
It's no longer me that you want?
But I loved you so much it hurts..
Never mistreated you once.
I poured my heart out to you
Let down my guard, swear to God..
I'll blow my brains in your lap.
Lay here and die in your arms..
Drop to my knees and I'm pleading
I'm trying to stop you from leaving..
You won't even listen, so **** it.

You said you wanted to be friends
You asked me not to block you out

"I still want you. I still love you.
We'll get back together soon."

Well, sir, I'm not your safety net.
If you leave, I won't be here when you finally want me.

Even if we make it through this
I'll never feel the same

I used to be so comfortable
Now all that was in vain

Because now I know
I can't let my imperfections show

If I'm not perfectly perfect
You'll think I'm not worth  it

It's tearing me apart
I gave you all of my heart

I've never given so much
Just to be left in the dust

I love everything about you
So much that I'd rather hate you

I could never be your friend
That's why I don't want this to end

Wake up
What day is it?
Wednesday? Thursday?
Thursday.

I'll get up
Drink a little coffee
Milk? Creamer?
Creamer.

Stumble through
To the kitchen
Was I drunk or high?
Last night

Sit down
Realize I'm all alone
Why? What did I do?
I failed.

Skip the coffee
Stick to alcohol
Tequila? *****?
A little of both

Roll it
Light up
One? Or a couple?
More than a few.

My life
After the heartbreak
Today? Tonight?
Repeat cycle

Oh, so fleeting were they
The years we spent together..

They see my dimming embers

Nobody sees me hopelessly pawing at the ashes of who I once was

They see my empty stares

Nobody notices the red tears that have forever scarred my cheeks

They see my freshly cooked arms

Not hearing the profanity I screamed at myself as I singed my flesh

They see my crumbs and leaks

Nobody knows the violent contortions of my withering essence

They see me drowning

Nobody acknowledges my cries as I fight to keep my head above water

They see me jump off the deep end

But nobody knows the depths of my tortured, charred, shallow loneliness

And it just seems like lately
I’ve been drowning
My mind is gone,
I’m history

.......

Bury me
In misery

How can I be myself
When I don't know who I am?

There’s not enough mileage in this Marlboro
To silence your voice’s harsh echo

Seems that’s how these stories go
Clash of the Titans
Clash of the Egos

I don't want to sit in my own self-loathing
But I don't want to leave it either..

I don't want to be alone and on my own
But I don't want to mess up either..

..Sigh..

I thought I was in love with you

Turns out I was only a fool


So I took a fall from Grace
Landed flat on my face
Left struggling to find my place

But that's okay; I can play too

It's just a game, and I'm feeling cool

Many

Hearts

Are

Easily

Broken

Sweet, deep breaths
Arms and legs intertwined

Laying  in awe of you

Fingertips on your chest
Hearts beating in sync

Simply amazed by you

Let’s stay here

We can be together

Let’s stay here

My life is yours forever

Prayers keep me sane
Praying calms the pain

What a blessing are you

You killed the music
In my head
And replaced it with
Screaming instead

My time is spent
watching all color drip
and drain..
Leaving only gray..

..lifeless is my everyday..

When the nights wind down
I wanna **** myself

I hate it
Because the harder I try
I can’t feel myself

Sittin and sippin
Steadily losing his interest

And I wanna die
But that’s none of his business

You can’t tell them you’re falling
Just to hear your name
In their whispers

Suffer in silence
Just like I do, myself

Self-inflict
Heavy violence
Just like I do, myself

What are these words
Coming from my pen
Oh, right. They're honesty
I love you again

Trying to escape addiction- something I think I understand
I write this with ashes on my pants and a cigarette in my hand

This man had me burning myself- feeling like a maniac
And yes there’s been a return of the panic attacks

I guess I gotta stop investing in people
And making promises- it’s too hard to keep them

I feel like I'm drowning
But I'm on dry land

I'm gripping so tightly
But there's nothing in my hands

I'm sleeping sublimely
But I'm dreaming chaotic things