I am from stories
Stories and fantasies woven by my cousins and I
With characters we built on ourselves
In worlds of our own, the only rules of our making

I am from hurt
From chronic depression and panic attacks
Too scared to be open or to not be alone
With parents who cared, but didn't know what was wrong

I am from care
From a therapist after four years of needing one
From connecting to people as lost as me, holding their hands
Being an anchor in the hellscape we share

I am from being queer
Having a crush on my best friend and not knowing where to go
Not feeling the label of "woman" fit
Scared to be hated for being myself
Hating myself, but knowing I shouldn't

I am from acceptance
Accepting myself as I am
And leaving those who could not accept me
Making way for the person I want to become for myself
Rising to be my own

I am from stars
From looking up with wonder every clear night
From never seeing a sky that wasn't beautiful
And if the sky can be so open and free
Then maybe so can I

I am from myself, and the story I write
Hoping one day to be healed in mind
Hoping to someday find the sky and stars in someone else
Regardless of gender, or anything else
I will be okay and I will be happy

I thought I never could fight back
It slowly turned my world to black
Depression was a cage of bars
Now all that’s left is the scars

I spent years locked away
After time my will decayed
I never dared to take a stand
Too scared to take a helping hand

I don’t think I’ll ever forget
The silence that I still regret
Locked inside my cold abyss
A lonely world free of bliss

But now I can sound the alarm
And I can speak, my mind disarm
These years of pain I can’t take back
But I could dodge the next attack

It took forever but I have learned
That my courage hasn’t burned
I know the scars may never fade
But I don’t have to take that blade

Oh, the things these pages see
When trapped between these covers
Anger, hatred, love and peace
And often many others

They see my fire and my ice
My nightmares and my dreams
They listen to me, pondering
They listen to my screams

These pages feel for me
They take away my pain
My bones the paper, blood the ink
That never leaves a stain

These pages are so patient
They’ll never let me down
But, though they listen, they don’t speak
Or tell me how to turn around

They do not understand me
Although they listen well
They help me understand myself
And help my demons quell

They ask me who I want to be
I ask them what is wrong with me?
They say to be like others are
You can't become a faulty star
There's no way that you'll get that far
Be a doctor, be a nurse
Be a dentist, drive a hearse
A poet? please, you can't do worse
You can't make money just with verse

They ask me how I sympathize
With tear-stained faces, bloodshot eyes
Those who struggle with goodbyes
And quiet ones who analyze
Or far too much, apologize
They ask me how I am so wise

I say that I just talk to them
Find the lovely, hidden gem
But first, I say, I don't condemn
You are you and I am me
That is all we have to be
If we strive to be much more
We fight our own internal war
Don't be something for another's sake
Learn to dream when you're awake
Remember you're your own snowflake

They ask me
What makes you happy?
I answer short of patience
And just a little snappy

I say that sometimes nothing can
Like leaping out of fire
Just to land in the pan
I feel just as permanent
As lines in the sand
Hurting on the inside
I just don't understand

And other times I feel fine
As if the sun remembered
How to shine
It's like depression just forgot
How to poison every thought
Or pull my fragile heartstrings taut
And shatter every dream I sought

But I don't say this all out loud
In front of one big jeering crowd
Or with friends or all alone
Or even when I'm safe at home
I look into their eyes and say
Don't worry, friend, I'll be okay

I don't want someone
to fall in love with the person
I'm pretending to be

Friend, do not envy the perfect
Because in order to achieve perfection
You must first live feeling that you need to be perfect
Just to be good enough
Which has never been worth it

We love and hate
We give and take
We live and learn
We grow and burn

We win and lose
We pick and choose
We do and don’t
We will and won't

We run and hide
We crawl and stride
We break and mend
We start and end

The sea wrenched up in agony
The sky a beating storm
Lightning blazed with vanity
The clouds a flailing swarm

Nightmares plagued a fitful sleep
The ocean's rolling waves
The spinning curtain of the deep
Brought many to their graves

Iron ships cut through water
Like a knife through sand
Still, even brave men falter
When forced against the seas to stand

The skies release as thrashings cease
The sea begins to dream
The storm withdraws as anger thaws
Its tears no longer stream

If you fear the darkness
But light is scary too
It’s okay to hide away
Or let it all show through

If it seems the world is empty
And no one hears you cry
Your friends will catch you, falling
And teach you how to fly

When it’s almost like the planet’s deaf
To all your silent screams
Pick up your paper, pen in hand
And write about your dreams

There is a place
At the back of my mind
It always looks different
But never confined

A forest in autumn
With stars in the sky
Or the last place
That I said goodbye

It's always calm
With music playing
"But it's time to wake up"
I hear someone saying