I'm writing about you again
My strange stranger

You visit me in my dreams
but I can't see your face

You have such strong arms
To wrap around me
They comfort and protect

You are at least a head taller than me
Enough so to rest your chin on my head

There is warmth and trust, so much trust
I curl into you

You are my best friend and partner
Doubt never creeps
I can't explain it

You smell of clean laundry and something familiar
You say I smell like vanilla

As you run your fingers through my hair
You stare with loving eyes.
They are never the same color.
Sometimes a blue so deep I could swim in them
sometimes a green so vibrant I can't help but stare

Your hair never stays the same either.
Sometimes its dark, sometimes its blonde
But always so thick and soft

I yearn for you
My heart aches
So much so that I want to cry

I wish you were in my life already
But one minute I'm ready and another I'm not
I'm sorry if I keep you waiting,
But please know, I'm on my way
And I hope you are too
Please be patient and wait,
Wait for me...

I hope that your heart doesn't belong to another
But if it does, It can only lead you to me,
A better person than before.
Mine is still new and I can't wait to give it you
And I hope you are the only one I give it to.

You never knew me as well as you thought you did
You only saw the side I wanted you to see
You saw the moon glowing in all her glory
Worshiping her more than she deserved
You didn't see the dark side
The side that didn't deserve praise and flattery
That left me with guilt
Because you were praising only half of me, thinking it was all of me

You never knew me as well as you thought you did
You always expected me to be the happy, bubbly person I could sometimes be
You thought something was wrong when I wasn't how you wanted me to be
"I'm fine" I say. And I really was.
Why can't I have my quieter days?
It can be exaughsting to be happy all the time
Sometimes I want to be expressionless

There were things I liked that you didn't know about
And there are things I have done that you didn't know about
If I told you, would you have seen me differently?
I know you would.

You never truly knew me
You only think you did
If I asked you a question about me, would you know the answer?
Probably not.
You knew what you saw, not the facts
You knew the moon glowed bright, but quickly forgot that there are two sides.
Just like you forgot that every cycle the moon goes dark.
It doesn't glow or shine brilliantly
It doesn't bathe you in moonlight and light your path
It leaves you blind in a night without shadows, without light

You knew the full moon, you never saw the New
Cause if you did, you would have left me alone

My momma taught me to be early at the airport
She taught me how to prepare for court
How to dress for an interview
And to pay bills before they’re due
I learned a lot from her
The list goes on for sure
How to throw a punch
And to always pack a lunch
Organize and keep your stuff clean
Carry with you anything you might need
My momma taught me to have passion
Also when to fold and cash in
Good things here and there
Small bits when she was able to care
Most importantly though
I learned emotions not to show
How to care for a grown adult
And how to hide emotional assault
How to duck under an object thrown
I learned to grow up on my own
She taught me much and taught me well
How to let go of heaven and live in hell
To follow all her commands
To believe her words and mental scams
My momma taught me to go numb
God forbid I let my anger come
I had to let words fly by and disappear
Bite my tongue and always stay clear
Of the things thrown or words yelled
I couldn’t be me so my feelings I shelled
Closed up and shut down, I bow
My momma taught me how

I am grateful for what I’ve learned
To let go of everything I yearned
Nothing for me, myself, or I
I crave attention now, I wonder why?
I am searching to be a Queen
Not to rule, I just want to be seen
Look at me and what I can do
See me, hear me and I’ll show you
What I know and how I learned
Understand me for I have yearned
To be supported and guided through
If only back then a way out I knew
If only I had gotten out before
A successful life I could adore
A peaceful mind without scare
I could actually feel and care
Instead I am numb and closed down
I am being held until I drowne
Suffocated by my past
Pain that continues to last
Through adulthood and life
It affects me now a mom and wife
I am broken because of you
Because of everything I learned to do
I had to let words fly by and disappear
Bite my tongue and always stay clear
Of the things thrown or words yelled
I couldn’t be me so my feelings I shelled
Closed up and shut down, I bow
Because my momma taught me how

If i were to paint a picture of the thoughts in my head
There would be cold blacks and lonely blues, with hints of  angry reds and melancholy purples. a lively green peeking its way through.

If i were to paint a picture of my soul
There would be firefly yellows and apple reds
As well as autumn hazels and summer fire oranges
with streaks of that lonely blue and speckled with comforting lavender. A rainy gray softening the edges.

If i were to paint a picture of my eyes
There would be warm chocolate browns with flicks of fiery golds.
Blessed to be wide, wise, and curious like that of a doe, along with Long lashes for butterfly kisses.

If i were to paint a picture of my body
There would be rounded shapes, subtle tones, with flowers growing from her hands, all configured into a short, symmetrical figure.

If i were to paint a picture of my smile
I could only hope it would be beaming with the colors of sunshine.

If i were to paint a picture of you
You would be a blank canvas, because i have yet to meet you.
But I'm sure that you would be a beautiful, chaotic, masterpiece, waiting for a painting of me.