I find it funny
How we can be strangers to ourselves?
The new trend: "Finding yourself"
Your "True Identity"

How is it that we can't even recognize ourselves sometimes?
Our brain, thoughts, and hearts are their own apparently
We can't always control them
We question their motive

Trying to decipher ourselves like you would a new friend
We try to understand the "other voice" in our head
So we have two consciousness now?
One we were born with
The new splitting from the old like a multiplying cell
They are one in the same and yet not
They are fully you and fully not.
How does one begin to comprehend that?

We don't ever fully recognize ourselves
We just know the parts that have become a "regular" in our coffee shop brains.
Always busy, always moving
Lots of noise and blurred "faces"
But i know "that" one
They are here more often then not

So while i understand myself more than most,
While i can list every reason behind every decision,
I still surprise myself.
Because here comes a thought and/or emotion that i have rarely confronted,
And is thus, a stranger to myself.

Girls like her peak in High School
Always thin
Good at everything
Great at sports
Beautiful
Lots of friends
Outgoing
Confident

Girls like me?
A wallflower
I'm not alone
I have sort-of-friends
I'm a shadow in the back of the class
Always silent
Mid-season I'm failing
Getting grades up just enough
for the final report card to say I'm "smart"
Fool the colleges i do
Silently being the only one who doesn't understand
But the class is moving on without you
Crying because I'm "not good enough"
Below/Average at sports
Never good enough for the team
Stuck on the sidelines
Always watching
My life is a TV program
I laugh and watch
But never feeling a part of it
I'm just a spectator

Girls like her peak in college too
Even more beautiful then before
A boyfriend to match
And a petite body that looks great in everything
Flying through college
Instagram model

Girls like me?
Flunked my first year
Home i go
More clueless than ever
"I changed my major" i tell them
I put on the act
"I know what I'm doing"
It's all a lie
A mask I wear
Falling apart inside
Feeling despair
The tears come easy
They come fast
How long will this misery last?
Comparing, Comparing
It's a bigger high school now
Except no one gives a **** this time round
I did this to myself
Want to fix it
Is it too much to ask for a win?
Medication helps the focus
I am making a plan

I'm learning
I'm finding myself
It's okay to take my time
It's okay if I'm a little slow
So why do i feel like I'm just fooling myself?
Everyone has a different path
I haven't given up
I haven't stopped moving
So why i am walking the treadmill?
Moving but still in the exact same spot?

I'm jealous of girls like her
They got it all
Wish things were different
Wish i was given their hand
Cause fate has delt me a rough one

She gets the grassy meadow
I get the stormy mountain
She gets prince charming
I'm still waiting
She uses her wit to defeat the witch
I escape and run through books and other things that distract

What is wrong with me?
Why can't i be good at things?
Why is this so hard?
I wish things came easy.

We were friends
Me and her
And i hate the green monster
that leaves me with this jealous anger

Stay away
Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat
All they do is cause me harm
All the doubts and pain creeps back
I keep reopening the wound.
Those negative thoughts i though were gone?
Well they are buried in the back of my mind ready to resurface.

This is just the beginning of my story
I know this
I am destined for greater things
I know this
I will make it
I know this
I will graduate
I know this

Yet, Girls like her
Leave me with lies that echo...

I wish you were here by my side
When your not it makes me want to cry
I miss you so much it hurts my heart
I cannot bear for us to be apart

I am bad at goodbyes, I told you this
Sorry if I'm not making any sense
I can't help but feel left behind
Even though it's all in my mind

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Do you feel the same pain and sadness that I do?
I can't help but wonder if you love me as much as i love you.
I hope and know that's not true

I'm in despair at the absence of your presence
It must be this thing we share and possess
I know i will see you soon
But soon is too far away when I'm missing you

I am worn
Tears threaten to spill
An oncoming storm
Thunder rolls with anger

They are testing the waters
Don't you see the dark clouds approaching?
There is a shift in the air.
Can you not  feel it?

Pushed too far
I'm about to burst
A darkness is descending, beware

I'm reaching my limit
You better watch out
Like a cloud i can only take so much
Before I break from the weight.

Annoying
I find you very annoying
Because you are so much better than me
In every single way

You are a better singer
You’re smarter
You’re more athletic
You’re happier
You’re prettier
You have more friends
More guys like you
And you always steal my attention

Which by the way
I almost never get
Even on my birthday
You somehow find a way to outshine me

So yes you annoy me
Because you’re a better me
Better than I’ll ever be

If my life was a book
Would anyone read it?
Would it be happy or sad?
Romance or Action?

If my life were a book
Would it be like a John Green Novel?
Or would it be morphed into Fantasy?
Would it be filled with Mystery like a Nancy Drew volume?
Or filled with Drama?
I think i would be a trilogy; possibly more,
Because one book won't even cover a day's worth of thoughts.

If my life were a book
Would it be made of experiences and feelings?
Contemplating the small stuff
and finding the beauty in everything?
Would it be like Narnia?
Everything metaphorical
Filled with personification and anthropomorphism.

If my life were a book
Would my inner demons become monsters or a curse?
Would my love interest be a charming prince?
A rouge outlaw? Or someone i would least expect?

If my life were a book
I can only hope it would be a great adventure.
One with foreign lands and exotic animals.
One that defies gravity
And goes against everything we can imagine

If my life were a book, if one were to read it,
They would learn more about me in a hundred pieces of paper
Then they could in a day.

If my life were a book
One could possibly know me better then i know myself
Because we often reveal more than we intend to without ever knowing it ourselves.