Don’t even think you’re getting
out of here alive.
.
Well, nobody does so we should seek pleasure.
.
What’s living
without the intoxicating
grip of lust?
.
A wellspring of despair.
.
Spilt me open with your tongue.
.
I’m trauma.
Wrapped in Ivory lace
with a citrus twist
.
Enter into this new realm
Of endless possibilities
And sufferings.
.
A wellspring of delight.

You’re chipper, he said.
I had the urge to hurt his face or his ***** or his pride.
But instead I chipperly replied YEP!

Today is the day we tell the children.
It’s been a long time coming,
We’ve spent a long time going.
And yet, it’s shredding my heart
To look in their eyes,
The same blue as mine, yours
and watch the truth slice through.

If only you would’ve read my writing,
Perhaps you could’ve seen
The emptiness inside of me.
But you didn’t care enough to look
Closely.
Should’ve would’ve could’ve
Didn’t

I need a support system,
To help me hold myself together.
The fibers of my being are breaking apart
And the children don’t know the truth yet
Impending doom upon our doorstep
Looming.

I need you
Like road rash on my chest
From skidding across pavement.
I need you
The same way I need another tattoo,
Etched into me.
Acridity.

Walking alone
On the First cool morning
of the season,
It’s bright and clear
And I notice, for the first time
In a long time
That I can feel the Sun on my face.
Somehow I’d forgotten
My love
for these beautiful mountains so blue
Behind The hill that’s been blocking my view.
A dump site for resentment
and sadness.
Now that I’m
Observing the world again
instead of ruminating
This is my future,
My home.
My view.

Loneliness
The primary emotion
I’m feeling these days

Enveloped in beauty,
Love,
Gratitude
Revered

And yet…
Those
Unmet needs,
They
Fester.

Emptiness swells
Filling
The void between us

Disconnectedness
Persists

You and I cannot be friends
And yet,
Here we go again.
Staying up until two
Breathing into the phone.

Tiptoeing around a full blown affair

Enchanted by the soft, hazy glow of the night sky. The tree frog’s chorus.

The tug of Loneliness on our hearts
Choosing
Adventure over dying on the vine.

Lying and gazing,
Laughter and lazing,
Slippery fingers and broken pieces
Delicious tension.

You stay in your bed, your life
And I lie in mine.

You and I cannot be friends.

What’s your damage?
She asked of me
Tilting her head to the side
And Squinting
inquisitively
I picked at my chipping nail polish
And stared down at my boots.
Hugging my knees into my chest,
I Held onto myself tightly
The fire in my belly
sizzled up my welling tears
And flipped my sadness into rage
As I Flew around the room
Like a trapped bird
Hurling obscenities
And upturning chairs
Just For Sitting there, looking stupid. Empty.

Look at me
LOOK at me
Look AT me
Look at ME

I’m avoiding the root
Digging around the problem.
It’s deep
Pulling sprouts of new issues
As they crop up
Putting on a pretty face
In sadness

My adult self knows
Just how threatening
The depths of these feelings can be

Dangerous, really.

Emotional entanglement,
Unhealthy attachment.
Addiction to love.

Rationalizations rule
Most times.

But My inner teen is lovesick and lonely

Awareness
Of the fact that I’m standing only twelve steps away from myself
Feels like a kick to the stomach.
One day I’ll be ready
To step away from my sick thinking
But for now, I’m comfortable in
Avoidance

I never sleep as well as I do here
On this lofty featherbed,
Comforted by her soft snoring
I come here to step away,
Reflect.
Sitting in the morning sun
With the breeze on my skin
Hungover
But whole.
I have a lot of questions
About myself.
She helps me to see
My reflection.

Substances,
I can use them to fill me up.
Red wine and smoke rings
Soften the edges
Of the shattered pieces
I carry around Inside.
Ousted From the doldrums.
Only a slight yellowing
Is left behind.
A squeeze of lemon
Will fade it out in the sunlight
For all these years
Of living this life,
I’ve gained
Knowledge,
Expertise
Of evidence removal.

Stir down your inner turmoil,
Cultivate peace
From solitude.
Embrace the loneliness.
Accept it as part of the agreement.
Find your interests elsewhere,
Just stay between the lines.

Alert on your post,
Scanning the crowd
For disorder.
You spot Me.
Devious, you say.
My eyes glimmer
in agreement.
Something about
Connections,
We both feel it.
Curious, you say.
And I bite my lip
My inner wisdom
Screams at me to leave
Alarming Awareness,
Reminders of playing
With fire.
My scars.
Craving this mutual
exchange of energies
That we get to share
On occasion.
And So,
Smelling like the tropics,
You press your muscle mass
Against my softness.
I’m Wrapped up in you
So Beautifully.
The cold frame of the car
A stark contrast
To the heat rising
Between us.
Together for a moment.
Fleeting.
We say Goodbye again,
Untangle.
Until next month or so.
Willing myself to leave,
I Sink into the seat
With my head still spinning
Pulling the belt across my chest
Tightly strapping myself in.
Practicing self restraint
To keep from floating away.

High on validation,
Slick,
Sick.
Adrenaline
Addiction
Guilt stricken,
Low of Depression
Grips.

I have a tattoo
On my arm
That reads “Love unity honesty”
In my own handwriting
Blocky and straight.
But
I was lying again
when I wrote it
Because
I curl the tails of my “y’s”

If I show myself more love
I won’t need it from you
Now I remember
The steps to take
To make it across the floor
Practicing beautiful extensions,
Positive Intentions.
Breathing again
I feel alive
Instead of alone
How simple it is
This balance.
Muscle memory
I know how to keep myself upright
It just takes practice.

My shadow person
Is back.
She wants control of me
Again.

She is rebellious and devious
With a ravenous appetite
for attention
In any form.

Negativity is better than numbness
She says.
With Violence brewing in her heart
She excites me.

I should **** her
somehow.
I think.
But I Don’t know how.

I’m afraid.
For everyone
Except for myself.
We have been together for so long.  
I believe her when she says
She loves me.

She’s dangerous.
Capable of terrible things
She loves to lead me astray
Just to watch me go stumbling down that path.
Again.

She throws her head back laughing
Manically.
As I’m writhing in pain,
Hands clutching my heart.

I should **** her
Somehow.
I think.
But I don’t know how to separate our souls, intertwined.

Instead,
I hold her close to me every night.
Better than being alone,
She says
And I agree.

Stepping into the harsh daylight
With an energy hangover-
Drained.
I know that we’re both wrong.

I did it again,
The seeking thing.
Attention please!
The pattern repeats.
Oh my goodness, look at me.
Watch my every movement from behind your sunglasses.
Our passionate tension
on display for the world to see.
The pattern repeats.
I seek fulfillment
and you want to
Give it to me,
Yes, you do.
The pattern repeats.
When the sun sets
And the sweat on our skin has dried
We will meet in the forest.
We know how this goes,
The pattern repeats.
I appreciate
your willingness to help me
Find whatever it is
That I need.
Oh, yes.
The pattern, it repeats.
Awareness,
This thing that I do,
To myself and him and you
Is only a symptom
of the problem
So, The pattern repeats.
Afraid to confront the truth.
How devastating!
The pattern repeats.
Gazing up at you,
I feel seen.  
Sink my spinning head into your heavy chest.
The pattern repeats.
The pattern repeats.
The pattern repeats.
You understand
Exactly what it is
that I need.
It feels so beautiful to be
Held and free.
I will search for you again,
And I know
That you will show.
Until it is broken,
The pattern repeats.

You can’t tell from the outside
the range one has until empty
High performance running on fumes

You’ll see me up there
Again this summer
Just don’t expect me to be broken
I am healthier now
But I’m still fun

I won’t be your little ice cream cone
Dripping with sticky sweetness
You can’t hold me in your hand
Melting vanilla in the sun

We can be neighbors, we can be friends
Sip cheap Mexican beer from cans
I’ll even juice the lime

There will be giggling, and lively banter
You’ll probably try to look down my shirt and I will not mind

That is where we’ll draw the line,
Healthy boundaries
of summertime

This incessant thirst for torture
bubbling up Like puke in the throat

I want your feedback all over me
Drape my mutilated soul across your chest

Staring out with aching eyes at the vast nothingness before us

I scream at myself on the inside
The high is never worth the low

The thrill of trouble is electrifying

If my inner wisdom goes unheeded
The Situation will unfold
into a disgusting place of being
Like a gas station bathroom

Bleakness will creep in, Settling into my center

Followed by ugliness,
Addiction Ravaged pallor

Stealing the rightful place of beauty

You would be the first to help me change a tire if I were stranded.
Would do the same for my friends that don’t fit your narrow minded standards?
Would you drive past dangerously fast roaring like a beast of destruction
Tossing out a choking cloud of diesel smoke and spent beer cans
Hatred dripping from your lips like spittle
I don’t appreciate your mouth breathing on me in the grocery store
just because you like my boots.  
We walk separate paths in the same world.
I’m here for the solitude in nature.
You prefer a murderous assault on all things living
resisting the division this creates,
I remain your neighbor
But I hang windchimes in my trees and warn the fairies of your presence

I love you too,
I don’t say.
Stumbling barefoot in the dusty grass
I stare down at my toes.
Solely dependent
The current situation I cling to
Chopping off my hands and feet and hair
I contort myself in order to fit.
Flexibility has always served me well
Lopping off the branches, limbs, twigs
of the mother tree
I stuff it all down

We must travel in this direction in order to make our way home.
Through the cloud of putrid stench that hangs around the Water treatment plant.
Past the places we threw our love away
like floppy old winter hats on the interstate.
Repeatedly Submitting to truck tires.
Rising up for a moment in the rush of wind
Longing to be set free,
Only to succumb to the crushing weight and the grind of the pavement again.

I need not look down to know
I am in the same pattern again.
I know this path
This is the gulch that I clambered my way from last season  
When my chin was set strong, gaze fixed on the horizon
One slip and I have lost my footing again
The forest floor
cool, rich dampness
I intensely enjoy myself down here
You want to join in on my adventures
But I know where this path leads and the summit is pain

Only time passed
Spans the distance between us

Pull it in
and zip it up,
Balancing steadily

A practiced act

Update on My face
These days
Mostly clear.
A reminder
Compounded in my chest cavity
This:
One simply cannot exude beauty
When they are ugly on the inside

The thread I’m hanging on by
Is bare
Don’t act like you don’t know
When I can feel
That
You are
Fully aware

I don’t know how to help you
All I know is how to keep things clean
With the smell of marigolds on my hands
From ripping up last summer’s show
I yearn for the cool dampness of earth
on my bare feet
I fantasize of dancing alone
Yet with each day dawning
I step into these well worn shoes
And put one foot in front of the other

I sat with myself
A long while

Acorns raining down
around

With eyes closed
I can see

Three flecks of light
Stars in the darkness

Obligatory smiles for the family portraits
Baring our teeth

Behind closed doors
We are damaged goods
Our delicate parts are torn to shreds

Sacred promises shattered
Like the wine glass you hurled at the wall
Leaving a bloodstain that we painted over

We both have gaping holes in our hearts
Secrets in the pits of our stomachs
***** dungeon basements
cobwebs in our minds

Tarnished silver, chipped porcelain
Once precious
Love candles burned down to waxy stumps with exhausted wicks

Our fingertips are blackened from attempting to relight the flame

We could wash off the soot
And walk away
Or continue to live without light

The next time I leave the house
Unchaperoned

I will Try to behave closer to the way
You expect of me

Here’s the truth that makes you flinch;
I will Never Fully Conform

I feel your concern cast over me,
a tangled net of doubt

If only I would shlep around
My loyalty

Instead Of bringing the fun

I brushed against you twice
Played it off
As of it were by accident
We both know
It was purely
Intentional

I know that I **** you-
Just a little bit every time.

I hear the slight whimper escape your lips
Like a baby thirsting for milk.

Torturing you
With the blueness in my eyes.

Perhaps it’s cruel,
nurturing this tension
For my own aspirations.

Keeping you within fingertips distance
Then abandoning you again.

But you make me feel like art,
and that is lovely.

Boiling resentment
Aimed straight at you
Icy eyes slashing
Lashing out
A gleaming blade
Rage
Sullenness becomes me
Chiseled cheekbones
Rising Hatred
Blame
Mask the underlying truth
Sadness

The tides of time pulled us in opposite directions.
You left this small town and the trauma that it held-
confined by the mountains on both sides
dismal skies, narrow minds.

I stayed at home and anchored my roots  
deep down in the Virginia clay.

With smell of the feed mill hanging in the air
you came to say goodbye,
My head was on backwards then
I didn't really see you leave.

You were on your way-
Wide open spaces,
A different perspective.

In our poet’s hearts we could communicate-
high vibrations, unexplained.
A friendship thriving without any nourishment.

Now that you have returned to where I am planted,
it's as if two decades haven't elapsed.

I am filled with gratitude
to hear the ringing of your laughter again.

Walnut trees release spent leaves
Shower me in summertime past.
Miles of unpaved roads-
meandering.

Stayed in the tub until the water got cold
trying to determine the causal link
Days when I’m even keeled, nothing flows
But when things get shaky
And The unknown of tomorrow
crushes my rib cage
That’s when I’m bursting with creativity.

problems of others
are not mine to own.
they are their very own

On Hands and knees
Three tears fall onto the mat below me
drip drip drop
Emotions Escape
from the cage I have built
around myself

Realizations revelations

Release the Deep sadness of the truth

Oh, How perfectly aligned I am
When I am Alone

The sedum has begun to blush.
Something in change of seasons  
That intensifies my craving
for strong male energy.
A Gravitational pull
Towards Infamous downfalls.
Until the day that all the Jessica stories have been told
I will continue living this way
Dancing in the rain
Stomping over the invisible lines
Drawn to keep me contained

I have thrown so much pain into this river
Watched it sink to the bottom to corrode

Like that overturned car with a tree growing up through the rust
Nobody cared enough to remove her?

All the vital fluids swept away in the current over thirty years ago.
Intoxicating the environment.
But Mother Nature took root
In Attempt to reclaim her own life.

My view is different nowadays.

Gazing downstream
It Bubbles up occasionally
Leaving Ripples,
Raindrops, Reminders

But so much of my past is cast away
Sunken, settled deep in the mud
In this polluted river that holds so much of my heart

Before the chicory unfurls to the sun,
meet me down the gravel road
beneath the Tulip Poplar.

I will Revel in your aura-
Share my radiance with you.
Our beautiful friendship gleaming.

Exchanging love in the purest form,
the way that we relate.
Laughter dancing in our eyes

If the world saw things differently
We could do this everyday.

Until then,
We’ll look forward to next summer
If only for Thursday.