I have half of an art degree

Plus eighteen years of experience in making a house into a home

I can dance interpretively
to the music in my head

And organize chaos into neat little rows

I was able to retrieve your deleted number
from the darkest corners of my mind
I thought about calling you to say
nothing at all
Instead
I chewed the inside of my cheeks until they were raw

Most days I can keep to the middle of the road

but some days I find myself lying in a ditch on my back

With my head spinning round and round
in a whirlpool of the past
Ugly

Don’t worry about me
Or what I will do
I told you

I will not stumble in front of your mother

Things are steady now

I will meet you there

I’ve tried to leave her before
but watching from the plane I cry.
the patchwork valley below
digs into my heart.  
nestled between blue mountains
cradle me here, I am safe.

scraped knees and busted knuckles-
nine summers spent running with the boys.

precious gift-
stardust and curls.
my devotion to you was silently sworn,
my sister.

watching you grow-
the magical years.
barefoot ballerina,
wild daisy soul.

passing years
have narrowed the space between
my world and yours.

navigating the rivers
of motherhood
together.

still dancing
wherever we go.

Contents crumble
stuffed to the seams
drape myself in pretty charms
behind the facade
I'm still me

You are hedges
I am bramble
You are a button down-buttoned up
I am a sundress with no ******
You are Monday
I am the full moon
You are toast
I am olives and mushrooms
You are the riverbed
I am the babbling stream
Rolling over you incessantly
You retreat,
I attack
You are grass
I am chicory, clover, daisies
You are khakis
I am holey jeans
You are kindness,
I am instinct
You show up early
I come home late
You are Monday
I am the full moon
You are leather trimmed comfort
I am humid nights spent tossing
You keep both hands on the wheel
I dance mine in the wind
You are roots, deeply anchored
trunk straight and proud
I am light and airy
treetops blowing in the breeze

Who in their right mind would ever want to walk away
from this dreamhouse in the forest?

Is my mind right?

The mothers and sisters all say to me
girl, settle on down

How important is it to feel profoundly fulfilled?

Fantasizing relentlessly
depletes my energy

It’s just more exciting than rocking chairs

So I continue to do it to myself

I’m feeling inspired to write again
I tell him.
He looks at me with a pained expression,
And asks if we’re ok
Yes, I lie.
Straight to his face. Eye to eye.
Fine.
He knows the truth.
I am untangling knots, picking them apart with my mechanical pencil
Click click click
pick pick pick
It makes him uncomfortable-
My introspective searching
Quiet Contemplation.
He is Threatened
by my creative Expression
And the eager teachers that I attract
Disrupting our delicate balance
With their beards and intellect

I am lonely
I say to the dark eyed stranger
I should move, I think.
That would be the right thing to do.
Ignoring the self that I know so well
I stay.

******* slowly behind the thin fabric
I want him to notice my silhouette in the morning light

I will take you anywhere you want to go, he says to me and I want to let him

We fly through the night of a million fireflies-
Stumble downhill together in the darkness.

******* myself slowly again
behind the thin fabric
between us

I change out of my flowing skirts of freedom
back into the uniform of conformity

I should have given it to someone else.
shared the warmth,
passed it on

But I couldn’t let anyone else inside
Acting Impulsively...
Familiar.
Tendencies.

I hacked off one arm at a time
surgical scissors gutting the seams
Knit from the finest fibers

Golden angora
Gleaming boastfully
Slumped in the corner, the body of that beauty.

I stuffed it down, down, down
Then threw it out.
Ridding myself of anything, everything
reminiscent of the time of brown eyes

taking things too far,
it's what I've always done

somewhat desensitized
I suppose
you have become.

numb to my assaults
on your peaceful state
the calmness
you carry
so gently

As I crash around myself
with a raging
hurricane in my heart

beautiful, it is
this life of mine
blessed in every way
struggle to find
the reasons behind
my restless state of mind
prone to self destruction
rhythmic disruption
break my own heart just to feel intensely alive

Drown myself in the river of time
Bloated in my mind.
Sorrow,
Regret.
Plucked out by the roots
Embedded so deeply
Supposedly free.
How to heal over?
Find compassion for my seventeen year old self
Forgive?
Forget?
Move forward with her cells still circulating inside of me.
Proven scientifically.
Ugliness wells up inside
Self disgust too gross to hide
Manifest on the outside
Mark my face-
Red and raw
Heavily sedated
Medicated.
Artificially dilated

I'm an old cassette,
With my shell intact
but my ribbons are tangled.
Prolapsed.
lying in a messy heap-
Slick and shiny-
Rescue me.
Stick a pencil in my cog-
turn to reveal
the faded songs of my youth
OR smash me in the street.
I'm only plastic, so I can't feel

Onward,
Upward,
Forward,
Ice glazed hills
bloodied knees
Complication.

fumble in darkness
finally a foothold.
realization
motivation
clarification
purification.