I try to choose kindness
I try to take deep
breaths
and let my anger wash out

But, my there are wasps in
my brain

there is a buzzing
hot
hot
heat
settled where my neck and head
meet

I swim laps in the pool
I walk the road and back
I hope that maybe I will
make it back
kinder

I walk foot trails with
my son
the leaves casting dappled light on his gold-spun hair
I feel my chest break at the sight
He is so kind but he is mine
will he feel this buzzing

will it lead him to break every day
I try to quiet my voice so
he doesn't learn
to yell

but I never learned quiet.
I am teaching myself. I am learning
He is patient with me
that is not his job

I see the sun on his hair
He jumps on my back in the pool
he giggles and wails
love incarnate

I think I will remember these times most
I will feel nostalgia bathed in dappled gold
when my bones are brittle and old
when I have finally learned
to quiet the buzzing

but will it be too late
will his giggles cease
will his small hands turn into fists
will he become me

I am teaching myself. I am learning.
I hope he is learning too
I hope he is seeing me try, seeing me take deep breaths
seeing me scramble for kindness
kindness!
I thrash against these angry chains and I hope he knows

but
I watched my father thrash his whole life
It is how I knew to try
I still carry his anger in me like
like wasps in my brain

I choose kindness
I take deep breathes
I swim laps and walk trails
I hope that kindness will
chose me back

My chest is so heavy
My eyes are blurry with strain
My back is breaking with expectations
And I can't bear all this pain
I'm treading in a lake of pressure
And I dont think anyone knows
That I'm struggling for every breath
Barely keeping water out of my nose

It's not a bad dream
It's not heartbreak
But I crawl to you
All the same
2 years old
Or 18 more
It's automatic
I'm at your door
Sleepy eyes
Blink up at me
Worry and question
"What do you need?"
I just pull back the covers
Climb in beside you
You never minded
No matter my mood

Cages
And my ears itch
Cages
And my eyes twitch
Dirt
On a solid floor
Blood
On an iron door
I can't think about it
I cant leave
I try to be content
But I am restless and afraid
And your hugs they feel like cages
And I my mouth anticipates
And my lips are always dry
And my mouth swells in size
Because touching burns like acid
Kissing tastes like it too
And I can't help but try
And escape from this life with you
And I see
Cages
Around my life
I feel
Dirt
Between our skin when we touch
And my
Blood
Tries to leave my body
Because your affection becomes too much
And I don't know
When I became scared
I don't know when
I lost that flame
But I feel
Cages
Dirt
And blood

I think about it
I think about it
I think about it
Sitting here with you
I think about it
I feel shame
I think about it
I feel hate
I think about it
*** has changed
I think about it
Sitting here
With a smoke in my hand
A coffee on my lips
And I think about it
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
Too drunk
and I think about it
Not my house
Not my friends
Making out
God I think about it
Studying
Writing
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
I think about it

No gps connection
And I'm lost
With no one to call

The man with a Jesus bumper sticker
Smokes to meet him sooner
I smoke too
Can't say much
But there's no light in my tunnel

Maybe im a waste
A loss of space
A blight on the universe
That built me
And my wonder
So much ambition
But no goals
Lost
To imaginary live
Where no one
Can stop me
Because
Thats all anyone does

Everyone is hung up
Over some sad love
Lucky for me
Mines you
Everyone loves
Someone who loves
Somebody
Brand new

Momma asks when will I learn
When will I grow up
And put myself first
I tell her
It's different this time
that's what I said
Last time I was with him
She told me I'd be
Wearing a frown
When I deserved to be
Wearing a crown
I told her I'd take my mistakes
Because they were mine to make
But I keep hearing her voice
Every time I look him in the eyes
When the hell will I learn?
He can see her
But I can't see him
I feel guilty at the slightest whim
But he
I don't think he feels a thing

I keep running towards cold
And I keep freezing
The weather just reminds me
That everyone is frigid

And after I get numb enough
I go home
And Im warm
I'm covered

But I've learned to leave the door open
And remember to appreciate
How warm you
Really are

Roses are red
I'm done

Tracing shapes
My hands
Feel cold
Car seats
Rides
Outside
My makeup is
Too thick
And your
Mind
Is choking
Your sense
Mutual desire
But singular
Pleasure
Depression
On both ends

I only write when I'm lonely
Only sing when I'm alone
Only talk to
A chosen few
And I never get to moan

I don't have a muse
Aside from idleness
I don't have a home
Just temporary nests
I don't know anyone
I just think I do
Like I used to think
That I knew you

I'm lonely quite often
Even though im surrounded
I'm never content with my lovers
No matter how good they did

I'm a chore
Just a bore
you will always
Want for more

A cup of tea
When you need a glass
When given a choice
You will always pass

Take a bite
Then send me back
Because there always something
My taste will lack

I've never looked at mine
I guess
I settled
For being one
I left one hat
To jump in another
And they draw me
And put me back

I'm an option
Never a choice
Always the fish
You throw back
I'm fine with that
I guess being forced on people
Makes me ugly
Makes me a chore
And I try and make up for it
By being a *****

And i wish you were on your way back home
I cant stand
Sitting here
On my own
Since you came
And stole my breath.
I was fine
Before
You left

Now i cant breathe
Without you beside me
I cant feel
When you arent around
My heart breaks
Just from the mention of your name
And my eyes
Will never see
The world
The same

You cannot look into my eyes without seeing burning, lustful sparks
Filled to bursting
With what you want
To be love

But all i see
Are limp
Loveless
Ponds
Algea
*******
Them

Flick
Spiral and sink
Flick
Rising gray heat
Flick
The red glow gone
Flick
And the world before long

Raindrops
She tells the woman on the phone about the cancer
And how much she makes
And how much i cost
Tiny Raindrops
She has a stone voice and i can see she has water eyes
The test results came back for her
A million tiny raindrops
And i cant see
A million tiny raindrops on the windshield
Im not worried about seeing the road

I want to be done
I want to move away
I dont want to think about 5 years
From now
And still be crying over you
Because i never got over you when i could.
Youre just magnetic for me
And i cant deny your ability
To make me forget
How bad for me you are

Eternal **** Buddy
Wakes up early
We roll around
In bed

Id get up
Make a cup
But he plays
With my head

He's my *******
At 2 am
Whe the liquor
Fills my blood

The coyote ugly
Try to crawl
But the boy
... Hes good

He pulls you in
Oh so easily
Doesnt even try
Yet he gets to me

Eternal **** Buddy
Hes always down
Screaming NO
just makes empty sound.

Why can't you be upfront with me
Admit you never cared
Tell me I was just fun
And you didn't actually get scared
You like the perks I offer
But not the love tied with
So now ill turn it off
I hope you like the gift

I'm so tired of these same four walls.
Chalky and full of everything
I want and fear.
These walls know me
Like nothing else does
And yet they confine me
I want out
This is a comfort zone
I'm not getting anywhere.
I want to break out
And just be crazy
I want to know my dreams
I want these walls
To know a girl
Who is NOTHING
Like me

Everyone is high
On self pity and
Hate
Self diagnosed with
A terrible
Fate
No one knows
How to be sad
Without writing it off
As extraordinarily bad
Happiness isn't
A permanent gig
It's always there
If you bother to dig
Everyone is sad
Because the world is ****** up
And no one dares
To see the good stuff
A world of pessimism
Breeds angry babes
And they all start to believe
Theres no Other way
So load up on drugs
Get high in the rest
Because that's when the world
Looks its ******* best
No one was taught
How to smile
Despite the world
Looking dark for a while
So we all slit our wrists
And demand sympathy
From a world that never cared
If you were down on your knees

And I sell myself again
I dive in
and forget
I don't know how to swim
and I drown
in 2 inches
of water
and I jump
and forget
I cant fly
and I don't know
why we don't know
we're falling
Until we hit the ground

All my thoughts
I cannot write
Quite so quickly
As they come
A million thoughts
In less than a second
And some are not
supposed to be written
some cannot be
summed up into words
some are just
feelings and life
Like I cannot capture
into words
How the sun looks
or how it shines
off the dew
or how the
golden glimmer
of your smile
can light up
this whole town
or how your eyes
are so blue
like ice
yet you have the warmest hug
like a fall day
when its breezy
but the sun is on your back
You are fall
beautiful colors
all the colors
of the sun
A warm sweater
pumpkin pie
Thanksgiving
Halloween
and slowly
you move into
winter
because
you fall
out of love
and your smile
isn't quite so bright
and the sun
wont shine
So the cold is biting
and I see all your beauty
But that is all
still beautiful
but cold
You have lost
the blue
in your eyes
Now
they are gray
like the fog
in winter
and I don't love
you
I loved fall
and even this doesn't capture my thoughts
but it calms them
to some degree
but without my thoughts
my mind
echos
So
Do I catch them
and mayhaps write them down
some thoughts
are not made for writing
but
I will write them
because
I miss the fall

Just like the seasons you became colder with time
The boy who used to be filled with warmth was now an icy block of self loathing
and I couldn't bare the biting way you looked at me when I said I didn't love you back
I made you cold and stole your warmth
I'm sorry
and if you were to **** me I would not blame you
I can only blame myself
And if your life were to end by your own hand
I would feel soaked in your blood
because I was to blame for your death
and I'm sorry
There are so many words in my head
and some just aren't enough

Can you bruise my lips instead of my mind?

that's all you make me do
I'm either scared
or angry
or moaning
but
I don't like
any of them
if im being honest
im beginning to think that the only time
im interesting
is when im begging for more

I wouldn't want to be around me either
I'm miserable company

I've learned to nod
to smile
when you hear the name
or see the face
just play happy and then
zone the **** out.

I've learned that when a topic
makes you uncomfortable
just be quiet
don't argue
that contributes
just wait for it to go away

I've learned that when you don't like something
get away from it
don't explain yourself
no one will agree with you
no matter what
don't defend yourself
you don't have to

I've learned that headphones
and a severe case of bitchface
make people turn the other way
and the few that are curious
go away after a ****** thumbs up
and a strained smile

I've learned that being a *****
and being quiet
and doing things for yourself
help you scrape by
just
enough

I've leaned that *******
and indifferent
feel very much
the same

I havent written in so long
I havent been able to breathe
Even longer
All my air
Escaped
Into you
I cant think past you
Or work past you
Or exist beyond you
You have become
My centerpeice
At a party
I wasnt going
To throw
But got dragged to
I mean...
Im having a wonderful time
But i know i could be doing something else
And you could be adorning
Prettier parties
Weve become each others lives
And a lot of the time
I question why
and if for the right reasons
And all of this is
Just
Meaningless
But is anything
Legitimate anymore
Nothing has weight
Anorexic ideas
Full of nothing but air
And some human need
To prove were worth something
And something...
What is something
And what are we
Whay do we
Matter
Nothing
And im not content
With settling for nothing
But im sure that
You
Are
Something
Wonderful

The problem with this thing called love
Is having busy feet
wanting to travel the world
and loving everyone I meet
I could try and stay here
For you I would try
But my soulmate is the world
and if i put roots in this soil, I'll die.

And she said
"Oh this...
This is a beautiful life.
I just dont think
Life
Is meant
For
Me."

Were all walking down a similar road
to a career in suicide
and alcoholic medications
praising something so much
that we die with it
for it
in spite of it
we die
early
whether is be a god
or a girl
we cannot differentiate
we walk in trembling strides
to that alter of
our obsession
and jot down
a couplet
or an epic
or maybe a novel of song
about hate
love
obsession
humanity
oh so many muses unexplored
and we slit our wrists
offering our blood
to a deity who
D O E S N ' T  G I V E  A  S H I T
and we think ourselves holy
that we sacrifice so much
but no
the people on the other
side of the fence
are just smart enough
to know better

Another day and its all the same
plastic faces floating the halls
this town is so boring
its choking me

stringy hair and mixed up feelings
too much makeup and healing scars
no time to worry about capital letters
when im concerned for my health

financial aid and stress management
my dad likes the army a lot
my mom wants me to go to savannah
so she can visit the beach

My brother thinks im a ******
who cant roll out of bed
and maybe I could stand
to work out some

im a bit of a narcissist
**** how do you spell narcissist
anyway, im an attention *****
and ill tell you your pretty to hear you tell me I am too

but don't tell anyone
theyd say "no! youre nice."
im a *****
stop being a sycophant

Don't tell me im pretty
someone should slap me
I abuse everyone who loves me
because I like that I can

stop letting me
tell me off
or don't
because I like this power

but that's beside the point
im rambling about myself again
narcissism
its a problem

Daddy says don't swear
then tells me im not worth ****
but not in those exact words
irony all the same

and wouldn't they like to know
im not so innocent
11 years old in the mouth
but I know my way around a man

My friends don't suit me
I hate all of their jokes
I hate myself when im with them
and I hate them even more

they may read this
less bridges to burn I suppose
extra matches to light on your sandpaper hands baby
god I love those hands

the only person I never hate
and the only person I always love
I don't know how you did it
but I love you and all your fantastical clichés

this poem is long now
no one will bother to read
a long poem about
a boring girl and how shes a two faced *****

I hope this message
gets across

I'm just waiting for something
that takes my breathe away
something beyond shredded
couch cushions and New Jersey TV
I want to see Mountains in the fullness of their splendor
I want these dirt roads to mark the place
where I first made love to a boy who broke my heart
I want to see the sky from eye level
without crying because I'm afraid of heights
I want to swim in water so deep
That the sharks get scared to dive there
I just want to be fearless
irrationally brave
unbelievably foolish
because my whole life up until now
has been so practical
Lack luster
uninspired
its hard to find a muse
in polos and khakis
and I'm tired of being tired
of doing nothing

I think I write
because
my whole life
I've been told
to stop talking
and I'm
BURSTING
with things to say

Ive never slept so well
before going to sleep
thinking of you

and I guess this
is what Love
feels like

your hoodie
my time
and our lips

traded

and I don't miss
my time
because I know

its safe in your care
just as I am
and you in mine

and I want to
wake up beside
you

and sleep
with you
too

Going to sleep
With *** on my lips
You on my mind
And bruises on my hips

I cant tell
If i have no self respect
Or maybe my mentality
Is just wrecked

Or maybe this is healthy
The entertain and please
After all im a ****
And you have needs

What a perfect match
I have what you want
But I dont want anything
Isnt that just hot

I dont even ******* know
Who the hell i am

I guess I understand
Boredom is a pest
Leaking into your mind
Stealing peaceful rest
I know the urge to adventure
To wander to foreign lands
But I know how to hold my ground
Youre just good at holding hands
Try and brush it off
Because I like to travel too
I get why youre restless
Im not good enough for you
How naive of me
To think I held your mind
What a bitter pill
To know that you have pined
For someone else
That isnt me
Oh what a shock of news
I was dumb
To think otherwise
No right to have the blues

****

New York is for the lonely
In their tiny loft spaces
Out in the streets
Dancing to a
Lonely beat
A busy city
To hold the lie
That you have
Everything
Leave your bed
Cold at 2am
And hear
The city
Sing

California is for the sad
Looking for a sunny
Good time
Never looking behind
Everything
Sublime
Jump on a plane
To go down the street
Just be very careful
About what you eat

Tennessee is for the angry
Rednecks with
Loaded guns
Searching the horizons
For mountains
And faded suns
Roam the small town sidewalks
Meet everyone you know
Go home and drink some whiskey
Drown the rage. Dont show.

I never met a man
Who only wanted me
He always wanted a side
Of whiskey with his tea
Crazy with the sweet
Strong with the weak
I guess im not well rounded
Neither bold nor meek

I never met a woman
Who knew how to love a man
Without fire in her fist
And a gun in her hand
Defensive and insecure
Scared to love at all
Ruining what they wanted
To run before theyd crawl

Ranting raving
Lunatic
The way you hold
Yourself is
Sick
No respect
Lack of love
Bowing down
When push
Comes to
Shove
I cant be your
Boat
When your
Anchor
Sinks
I cant
Sugarcoat
What
I
Think
Youre bitter
Malicious
Angry
Sore
This way
Of thinking
Is
A bore

Sharpie veins
Jello brains
Nothing to do
But try and stay sane
Holding my head
In the toilet bowl
Vomiting my heart
Because its filled with holes
My mind is gone
I sold it for the sun
Got burnt by the flames
Now i have no one
Now ill cover my face
And show my heart
Under two *******
Spread them apart
Poisoned lungs
Have sunken my soul
How can i breathe
When im not whole
Take yourself an arm
Tear off a leg
Use my skin
Like a frat party keg