I am suddenly overwhelmed
by a terrifying feeling

Right now I’m still in control of the chaos
but soon it’ll control me
as it always does
Any day now
the dominoes will come tumbling down around me
Until one day none are left standing

I’ve been dreading that day
since I was a little girl
crying myself to sleep at night
Hoping, even praying, it would never come
because when it does
I’ll feel a loss - a pain - a sorrow
like I felt only once before in my life
But this time it’ll keep coming for me
domino by domino

And it will tear me to pieces
because I’m not a strong person
however much I pretend to be
I might’ve grown on the outside
but on the inside
I’m still that little girl, lying in bed
crying her eyes out

Never felt so pathetic
No that’s a lie
I feel pathetic every single day
But today it somehow felt worse
I was at a party
A few drinks in me
And everything I feel daily
Just felt heightened
Like the loneliness oozed from my fingertips
And the sadness sank me to my knees
And the emptiness filled my lungs

I was far enough gone
Not to care who saw me at my worst
But not far enough to finally forget who I am
It just confirmed what I already knew
That I’m simply pathetic, with or without alcohol

Tell me
What it means
When everyone’s happiness
Makes you feel even lonelier
Empty to the core

How a mood can change
In an instant
And seem to **** all the light
Out of every smile

Every moment poisoned
By one seemingly innocent instant
One bad thought
To infect all the others

My demons and I
We go way back
When I was utterly alone
They were there
To criticise me
To torture me
To feed my insecurities
And my worst impulses

But they also protected me
Consoled and soothed me
And accepted me at my worst

For most of my life
They were my only companion
And they stuck with me
When things got tough

That is why it is hard
To leave them behind
And make room
For a new chapter in my life
For a chance at something better

How does it feel
when you become one?
When lives intertwine
and you don’t know where one ends
and the other begins
When you give yourself fully
to the one you love
Everything in the open
She trusts you
and you trust her
with your heart
with everything
How does it feel?

Er zijn van die momenten waarop je wereld instort
De grond davert onder je voeten
De lucht wordt uit je longen gezogen
En het wordt zwart voor je ogen

Op die momenten besef je dat je alleen bent
in een wereld vol mensen,
dat iedereen vooruit gaat
terwijl jij vastzit
En met elke stap die je probeert te zetten,
vertel je jezelf dat je bent waar je moet zijn,
dat je daar thuishoort

Maar toch blijf je hopen
dat iemand voor je zal terugkeren,
je bij de hand neemt
en je vooruit trekt.

Maar elke dag zak je iets dieper in de grond
Tot je helemaal wordt opgeslokt

I howl at the moon
to drown out the noise
That constant agonizing ringing
trying to **** out
all the life
Draining mind and soul
attempting to break my spirit

So I howl at the moon
to keep the noise at bay

Mijn handen weten niet wat te doen
Mijn lippen zijn onervaren
Mijn ogen weten niet waar kijken
En mijn hart heeft nog nooit geslagen

Mijn voeten hebben de jouwe nog niet verwarmd
Mijn rug heeft nog nooit jouw warmte gevoeld
Mijn armen kennen jouw gewicht nog niet
En mijn schouders hebben nog nooit jouw tranen opgevangen

Mijn vingers raakten nooit verstrengeld in jouw vingers
Mijn oren kennen je stem nog niet
Mijn lippen kwamen nog nooit zo dicht bij de jouwe
En mijn ogen zijn nog nooit zo verblind geweest

Change comes
and I run

From the unknown
towards security
and comfort

Like a coward
crawling back in my shell
never to come out again?

Take out your sketchbook
And draw your future
Sketch your every dream
And every wish
Now let me colour it in
Page by page
Colour by colour
Let me make it all happen
And let me
be a part of it

Sometimes I crave
An honest touch
One that requires no words
But says it all

A deep connection
Beyond words
Beyond the physical

Sometimes I crave
An honest touch
A deep connection
No

Everyday
And every waking moment
And sleeping second
I crave an end to my loneliness

As I am lying here awake again
Torn between self-hatred and existential conundrums
I again find myself wondering
What the point of it all is
Why I have to suffer
Day in
Day out

What could be worth
All this agony
And I know what is
But I also know
That it will never happen
I see nothing in my future
But a miserable blank space
Devoid of happiness
Drained of all colour

Let me be the fool

That believes in fairy tales
Who trusts without hesitation
That dreams in colour
Who loves without fear
That embraces the unknown
Who risks without inhibition.

To a realist
A dreamer is a fool
But if I could
I'd rather be the fool

Regrets
Fill my mind
No second chances
No do-overs
Just heartbreaking,
earthshaking regrets..