"Are you ok?"
I hear them ask
"Yeah"
I reply
My voice
Subconsciously growing higher pitched
So that I sound fine
So that I sound happy

But truth is
Most of the time I'm not ok
I hide my pain
I'm not too sure why
Usually I just don't feel like talking about it
Discussing hard topics

I want help
I need help
Yet I always reject it

It's funny how rejection works
It hurt me so badly
When it came from someone else
And yet I reject all the time
And once again I'm the one that's hurt
Because I lie
Over and over again
"I'm fine"

But I know I'm not fine
I wonder if other people know too
If they just pretend to believe me
Or maybe I'm such a good actress
That no one can tell

I want help
I need help
I know I need help
It's not normal to be contemplating death
And yet I can't find it in me to tell someone
I feel so depressed
That I don't feel like talking
To anyone

Maybe one day
I'll find it in me to tell the truth

"Are you ok?"

"No"

My life is good
Right?

I have a father
Smart
Kind
A provider for our family
I have a mother
Loving
Hardworking
Someone who will always be here for me
I have a sister
Talented
Hilarious
My best friend

I have a roof over my head
Clothes on my body
Food in my stomach

I have electronics for my entertainment
Friends who I can talk to
Two adorable dogs
Who never fail to put a smile on my face

I have everything I need to be happy
So why aren't I?

Depression is like a bottomless pit
Once you fall in
You can almost never get out

You claw at the walls of the deep hole
Using all of your strength
To climb to the surface
The effort is grueling
But you have a spark of hope
That you're strong enough

But a stone falls from above
Catching you off guard
And you fall once again
Landing ******* the cold floor
Right back where you started

Your body is weak and exhausted
The attempt to save yourself
Is taking its toll
You lie on your back
Gazing up at the light
Coming from the entrance of the chasm
But you are too weary to try again
So you lay there
As your hope fades away

Poetry is the window to my soul
The key to my vault
The telescope to my planet

My soul is a brick wall
Heavily fortified
And unbreakable
My mind is a vault
Keeping my thoughts and secrets Locked safely away
My heart is a planet
That can only be seen clearly
Through the right lens

My life is like a challenging riddle
And poetry is the answer to it all

Dry your tears little girl
For no one can see you cry
Wipe your sadness away
You can smile all you want
But eyes don't lie
So dry your tears little girl
For you are not
A little girl anymore

October 21, 2008
My birthday
As a kid I was always so excited
I had a list of everything
That I desired for my special day
But now I'm turning sixteen
I don't know what I want
I don't know who I am
And for the first time
I could care less if my birthday came
Or if it just passed me by
Like everyone else in this cruel world
I feel lost
Broken
I want to go back
To when things were simpler
I just want to be a kid again