It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

מלמעלה אני רואה את הכל אבל פתאום נשבר לי הלב עם כל הכוחות שיש לי ואין לי מה לעשות עם זה

From above I see everything, but suddenly my heart breaks with all the strengths that  I have and I can't do anything about it.

For all of my life
I have been plagued with something
that I didn't know the name of
and than when I grew up
and I came to know what the name was
it all felt wrong to me
and I wanna speak my truth
but I fear for my words
for others
will label me as hateful
when really I wanna share it
because I think
healing is powerful and its possible
I am trying to own my truth
and not care what others think or say
from the time I was a child
I experienced lots of harrassment and violence
which i internalized to mean
that it was because I was a woman
so its like half of me loves feminine things
and the other half of me  just wants to be a man
so often
When I look at her she feels afraid
because they told her growing up
to shut up and be silent
to cook clean and be still
and that never quenched her spirit
so in my life
I have always done the hard things
I am choosing to sit with myself
to learn how to accept myself more
for I know that if i were to transition
or to slap a label on myself
I would just keep on hiding my true self
and I would always try to be something that I am not
so even though at times it hurts deeply
only really because of the mysogonoy
that I still see around me and experience at times
I will still choose to sit in my life
and I am still choosing to heal myself
and to have hope
that I am getting better little by little
I wish more voices like mine
can be heard
without being labeled
as hateful
for I don't hate
I understand there is a real lack of knowledge
out there in the world
and people like me
who don't fit the perfect mysognistic box of how women
are suppose to be
should be embraced and held instead of judged
this is my truth
and I have been longing to make it heard
for a very long time.

its like one side of me feels so frozen from trauma
it hurts to breathe
to shed myself
from pain
the depth of confusion
and stillness
that leaks inside of me
and outside
of the walls inside of me
been suffering for a while
but it feels hard
but softer at the same time.

I have realized
life is really about perspective
for all the years i lived here
all I could see was the darkness in others
because that's all I saw in myself
and now that i am slowly starting to see myself
to love myself and to accept myself even just a little bit more
I am starting to see the light in others around me
the kindness in others
of how kind and loving Israelis are
and that women can be very kind and very loving
I am starting to see the men around me too
become more kind and loving.
Maybe life is more simple than we think it is
maybe a huge part of healing
is just changing our perspective
of ourselves
and the world within and around us.

And somehow
My mind goes back to two summers ago
My mind seems to always go back there
I don't really know why
Maybe it was because
I was in love with you
At that time
And I didn't really know why...

I remember sitting at the bar
In Florentine
without knowing a soul,
I looked  across the bar
and I see you there
with your dark skin
your impish smile
and your curly hair,
you smiled to me and offered me a drink
and to hang with your friends
I took you home with me
and we went out for a month
I remember waking up
to the smell of cigarettes,
and קפה שחור חזק-(black strong  coffee)
and smoke flying all  around you ,
I don't know why
but all I think of is you
still all this time later...
I haven't gone back to that home
that I lived in
,two years ago
a city away
for that time in my life,
had so much pain and addiction in it
but I still have so many fond memories of that place
so I think one day soon I'll go back
to the coffee shops in florentine,
to the parks that I used to sit in
and dream about life
to the bars I used to drink in
to melt the pains away ,
to the bar I used to go to ,
when I met you
and to the bomb shelter
that I stayed in
as the bombs flew past me,
yes Israel has been hard
but I forget  sometimes ,
that it also has lots of beautiful memories
in it too,
like meeting you
and your beautiful Ethopian,
frame face and culture
opening my mind
and showing me how dark
racisim can be
and what a beautiful soul
you are,
That race doesn't matter
And that beautiful souls do.
I have learnt so much from you
David
So when I saw the Ethopians protesting this week
About the ****** of a small child,
I remembered you
In my apartment
In Telaviv
That eve,
And how close I felt to you
With your dark eyes
Your dark smile
And your cigarette  breath
And coffee smells.

You called me fat
All I wanna do is punch your lights out
you were my brother
you were my best friend my whole life
and now your my enemy
and it took me so long to see
because I never wanted to see it
but now I have learnt its better to see
than not see
and I see your wounds
your narcissim
I watch you from a private Instagram
if someone would see us together they would never think that we are related
because you pertend to be kind
but your really not
You are dark
and I hope one day
healing finds you
because I still love you
even though
you have abused me so much

I hope you remember how kind you used to be
before you turned
the other way.
For Now,
you wear your  mysogony
as a badge ,
to prove to yourself
of the kind of  person you are.

I hope you learn to love yourself
and to love the women  around you,
as people
and to see me as who I am.

But I think its a lost prayer
that might not ever happen
so I have  to let go
and I understand
we all have our separate paths
in life,
so maybe this is yours.

I take my power back and
I let you go .
I reclaim myself
from you
from your judgmental
mean stares
and mean callous remarks
I will be strong despite you,
and I will wear my suits
and be who I am
despite what you think of me.
because me reclaiming myself
from my horrific abusive family
is an act of self love
its an act of power
of showing myself
that I matter above
their toxic opinions.

And now it makes sense
why I feel this way
I have been doing so much
healing work,
the past few days
and so I am starting to feel
again ,
probably for the first time
in eons.
I understand
why it feels so hard
to go about this world
in my female body,
It hurts so deeply
I remember
it as if it was  but a moment
when I realized
that it had all changed,
that I could no longer  just  be a tomboy
and a girl who loves tea parties and dresses
for it was sexualized all of it .

I had to look pretty
I had to be sold for my looks
and for my baby making house wife abilites,
to please the men around me .

And than when I met my brothers last year
it felt like a betrayal on the deepest levels
of my soul
that it completely broke me,
for I saw how it had all changed
how they had changed,
into people that I couldn't recognize anymore,
and it has hurt so deeply
consumed me so much ,
that I haven't even been able
to write even one letter on it .

It was like the mask was ripped off of my face
and I saw how they saw me
and the pain of that
made me just wanna be a man.
anyone,
so that I can be seen in the world
as a person .

For so long
I hated even being pretty
because I soon realized
that for so many people
especially men,
that was all I was
and for me
I am such a deep soul
that I want people to see
who I am
and I very so often
just wanna say fk it all
to life ,
and not even try anymore
Maybe if I grew up in a secular world
where religion didn't matter
I would feel less like this
but where I am from
a woman like me
is just to be a slave in a sense
to a man
and even now that I am free
I still see the slavery of the patriarchy
in the secular world
and it breaks me  so much.

So I just sit here crying
acknowledging
the deep traumas I have
and that I feel that I carry
wounds of armour
of my soul
every time Friday comes
I remember
the ****** trauma in my body
that I feel has scarred me
from my own father
and all I wanna do is die
I wish the feelings
would  just go away
but they are no stranger to me
I wish
someone
could  hold me in their arms
and say that it will all be okay.
But I have no one in my life anymore,
all I can do is save myself
but the journey feels so long so hard
and so tiresome .

I tell myself it will get easier
but it feels like a lie almost,
to keep my hope alive
but still I am trying
to see the end somehow.

It's like when all that the world you knew
was pitch darkness
and you start to emerge
from the rubble
you realize
wow how much hell
I lived in,
and I thought it was normal!!

I thought it was okay
that I was treated so badly
that I chased people
for the breadcrumbs
of love,
they would shake at me
and me with my greedy hands
would lick it up
thinking it was love
when it was really toxicity
masked as love
like sharded swords
masked as love
is still killing.

Today I woke up and
decided
ENOUGH!


All I know is that
we can always come back to ourselves
always
it is never
never too late
even when the darkness
has come behind the eyes
and you feel as if you can't go on
see because I felt like that for most of my life
and I pushed so deeply
because I knew my purpose
was greater than my suffering
and still sometimes it feels like this
but I hold myself
and tell myself
I am worthy of softness
of a life that is filled with healing
of good memories
of good moments
like beautiful coffee moments
like dancing to the electronic music
like writing my first books
like singing
hearing and seeing myself
dressed to the nines
like kissing my loved ones
being someone's muse
for their poetry and love songs
knowing that I am worthy of these moments
maybe for some
it can take more time
for us to experience
but I know that
if i was created from star dust
than star dust can happen.

There were dreams
I had
for the longest time
dreams
of nail polish on hands
dreams
where I could be free
to sing
whatever music I wanted to sing
to shake
to rock my body
to move my hips
to sing on the top of my lungs
to be seen
to be recognized
as the star that I am
this was a dream that I had for a very long time
all throught out my childhood
where I was brought into the world
a world filled with tight religion
of nonsensical rules
where I had to mask my true self
to make the patriarchal rabbis
and my father and mother
happy
so I felt like I had to hide my darkness
my wildness
my urge to sing
in front of men
which was seen as a sin
where I come from
to shake my hips
to express
myself
and each time I get up on that stage
and sing karoke
and have people love my voice
and me feeling captivated
like I am in a different world
for when I sing
I feel ecstatic
like I could do it for hours
show people my words
show them my fire
have them feel
what I feel
it is truly
what has helped me escape
my own longing for death
that haunted me for a while

I think I am starting to see
what it is like to actually live
and to breathe
knowing that I am safe.

Sometimes
Dreams can take a while to come true
but tonight while I stood on that stage
surrounded by other women
I felt normal.

Like a woman
Returning to my wholeness
free
seen
loved and recognized
by these beautiful loving
Israeli women standing around me
screaming Taylor Swift songs
and laughing about our exes
in this space,
my childhood dreams
and my teenage dreams started to come true.

It tastes like grief
i hear the children
playing in the background
and the piecies inside of me
that were held together
just broke finally
i never ever
got to have that childhood
that i have been dreaming of my whole life
my whole life all I have ever wanted
was to be grown
to move out of the terror
the holocaust
known as my home growing up
where now still i feel so much fear and anxiety around kids
and babies
for they remind
me of the childhood
that had the worst atrocites
scarred inside of it
where my inner child
feels so scarred by life
that i sit with her and all i can hear is screams and cries
where every time that it gets closer to holidays or to the weekend
the pain just deepens
I am going to encounter one of my fears
to work with children
for my first time in years
and although children bring me so much joy
i am afraid to face myself
but i know that things are better
because for so long
I couldn't even look at pictures of my old self
and now I can a little bit more
I wish I could protect all of the children of the world
and not allow them to experience the pain
that I did my whole life
where I wasn't allowed to be a child
where I was abused so much
that I wanted to die all the time
where I would dream about
being a little bird
that could fly away
and be free
where I dissacociated so much
that I at the ripe age of 26
barely know who I am
because so much of who
I am is just pain
bullying and abuse
where I love people so much
but they have wounded
an incredibly broken heart
with their mocks stares
glares and just utter hatred of me
It hurts so much
but I am learning that I am the only one
that can save myself
so I am doing so
hugging my inner child
and telling her that I am so proud
because I truly am
and because no on ever really told her so.

this world is a portal
we are but specks of dust
living within it
reality is but a figment
of imagination
numbers
colors
learn to heal
and infuse focus
with what you want
you see
reality is
what you make it .

my trauma
didnt even allow me
to dream
yet alone
think
or even be who i am
without always being in a trauma response
i can't say i have moved past that fully
but i am learning slowly
and i am learning to slowly have goals
for myself
for my life
to pick up myself
beneath all of the rubble
to start to stand
with my head high admist all
of the rubble

maybe
learning to love ourselves
is trusing ourselves
to not invest in people time or places
that don't make you feel good
that don't align with who you are
or what you want
maybe its learning to open our eyes
our hearts our souls
to not hold on so tightly
to our five year plans
to learn to let go
and to have more fun
on our own
to find more people with time that align with our souls
to take care of ourselves our lives
to be disciplined
but also to be free
to dare to tell ourselves
we are beautiful
even when we don't feel like it
to give ourselves
notes of confidenence
to learn to stick up for ourselves
and to broaden our horizons.

I remember my beautiful friend
with your beautiufl hair
and dimples
your curls
we used to talk about life
about spirituality
i was always jealous of your life
not because I ever wished anything bad on you
but becase it seemed as if from the outside
that you had a loving cool family
that had more money than mine
I felt belonging
that I didn't feel at home
we would meet up randomly
I never realized how littel you actually cared
because I was used to breadcrumbs...
so after you got married
your husband used to stare at me
and it made me feel so uncomftarble
I would stare back
than you wouldn't talk to me
ever again,
it felt like my heart broke so deep inside
its been 6 years
I see on instagram
and I wonder what it would be like,
if we still talked.
Why let a shtty man ruin our friendship of so many years.

I remember
walking drunk
like a robot in the dark
smelling like  a mix of sweat and whiskey
he stuck his hands inside of me
and wouldn't let go
and I cried
and screamed .

But my friend had left
and the world felt so dark
and it smelled like darkness,
its scenes in my mind
that I wish,
that I could erase,
all I could hear in my mind
are his words his smell
his body
a few moments of release
have mired in my mind
so much trauma
what I would give to erase my past
my moments of tortured silence
what's more is I hate the woman
who left me there
I hate her with a pain so deep
it feels like venom in my soul
similar to how my mother used to abuse me as a child
I wish my poetry
wouldn't sound good
when I write
I wish it could show you
how much I longed to slit my wrists
from the time I was a child
form the pain
that felt embedded in my soul
although life is much better now
I still sometimes meet men
who think that my body belongs to them
and each time the slightest touch
or stare or word
I feel so violated
I feel like I'd rather
be dead
than live another day as a woman
my whole life I have never wanted to be one
because of the violence
I have experienced
nevertheless I am working on accepting my body
my gender that I was born with
and working on healing my wounds
of violence that still feel so deep inside of me
I am choosing to treat myself  with so much love
may it out weight
the violence that I have experienced
and that all of the women before me have experienced
maybe instead of saying allow people to transition
we ask them why has the world become such a violent place
towards us women
that we don't wanna be women anymore
I know its a question I have  asked  myself
so often
and I still do

I left so many people in my life
so much sadness
it hurts so much
it feels like my addiction
tries to run me so much
it feels like a daily fight
just to keep it inside of me
It became an addiction of chasing my desire
to be loved to be cared for
that it turned into something
that caused so much destruction and violence in my life
I have been almost 9 months sober
a amount that I never thought I could master
but all the while
it feels like each day is so so hard
its like something that I can't avoid
no matter how much I want to
when a child is never given proper love
and they are sexualized from such a young age
tormented with ****** violence
from her own family
she believes that's her way of feeling loved
I am choosing to teach myself
that I am so much more than my body
that I am worth so much more than ***
I am choosing to say no to hookup culture
in a world
that is so bent
on letting themselves be used by others
I am choosing not to
and it is so hard
when I tell others they look at me with two heads
I think if perhaps
my history hasn't taught me
how violent some men can be
than maybe I wouldn't need to protect myself
so much
and perhaps I wouldn't have this addiction
I have never actually put a pen to paper
about this problem of mine
but I am sure that many who have had a past like mine
carry similar problems
There is no need to feel shame
I just wish the world would change
to be a kinder safer place for women
to live in.

I feel so violated
you told me
well don't judge all men
you spoke to my soul
told me you wanted to be friends
how you don't
"believe"
in "hookup culture"
we go home
you send me a picture of your bare back
riding in the ocean
asked me for advice
and than left me on red,
I am sorry that you were taught
to use women
I am sorry you were taught to sexualize
beautiful women
and to see us as just dolls
my whole life men
like you
made me hate my beauty and my body
but now I am learning to hate your actions
and yet to still believe
that good men exist
and that I will actually meet more of them
but I know that you aren't one of them.

my whole life
everyone tried to annihilate me
my spirit
my goodness
by choosing to laugh at me
to bully me
the girls
my friends in sublte ways
that I couldn't see at the time
the teachers who called me names
who laughed at me,
at what they perceived  to be " stupid questions "
but you couldn't **** my spirit,
for I am still here standing
coming in to my power finally
freer,
my whole life they tried to annihilate
me
my own parents
my own brothers
my cousins
my aunts and uncles
my rabbis
my friends
my exe's
who just used me for my body
without consent
who tried to annihilate my soul from my body
everyone tried
even many of my therapists
who tried to put me away
who tried to drug me
and close off my voice ,
and tried to tell me that I was just crazy
and mentally ill
and messed up
but maybe my voice
and who I am
is so powerful
and that's why they all
tired to make me go away.
But I am still here
and I remember it all.
I am healing
calling  my power back
that has been gone from me
from the time that I was born
and I will not allow myself to be used
or abused
again!

I am here
and you can't annihilate me
anymore.
You can only try to annihilate
the goodness of the world
but it will always prevail
no matter how dark the world
and its people get.

what if
we get to be happy
we get to get what we want
what if we can choose to be ourselves
to live life out loud
yesterday
as I danced on the dance floor
and I saw all of the old men
that I used to like
I didn't feel anything at all
just a joy that i chose myself
over them
that I get to dance
and live my beautiful non religious life
that I chose for myself
that in so many ways
I chose peace over terror
over chaous over drama
I chose myself
over my traumatic past
I chose me
over the men
who hurt me and used me
I chose me
over the girlfriends who used me and abused me
I choose to listen to myself
when I feel the vibes are off
I choose me
over the bad
I choose me always
I choose my inner child's joys
I choose to look weird
and to feel happier
I choose to dance in the streets
from joy
from the beautiful music
swimming through my veins
I am choosing to heal myself
my life and my traumas
I am choosing to believe
in the goodness of the world
of people
even though for so long
I have mostly only seen and noticed
the darkness
the bleakness of life
I feel aged inside as if I have lived thousands of years
of darkness
who is finally waking up to something else
to choosing something new
perhaps for the first time
who is choosing to end cycles of pain
that has been in my bloodlines for so long
I choose for me
I choose to live with more gratitude
I choose to cry
I choose to feel
I choose to breathe
I choose to believe  
I choose to see
how beautiful the journey
can be.
I choose.

all the people i worshipped my whole life
maybe its time to finally  worship myself
to see myself in all of the love that i am
in the  light that I am
in who I am
and to love and live for myself fully
maybe its time.

what if the body
is like a greek statue
curves
show the loves
of life
cinnamon rolles
the lines of veins
show the strength
of all we have lived throughout our life
what if our flaws
are our magical marks
of life
showing how much we have come
how much we have accomplished
and lived through!
what if we are more magical than we have
ever realized.

It first
started
as  a whisper in the night
in the dark
maybe just maybe
theres a way out
of this darkness
a light at the end of the tunnel
maybe just maybe
I can actually heal myself?
maybe just maybe
I can create a life
of my desire
and so with time she chose herself
over and over again
through her pain
through her sorrow
through all of the men who left her beaten
and broken off the side of the road
beaten beyond words beyond comprehension
how much the pain caused her
how much the violation the violence
broke her so deep
like shards of glass
tormenting her
insides ,
of  how the men hurting her
hurt her soul
broke her soul so deeply
that it felt like her heart would bleed
literal blood all of the time,
Through the sorrow
of other women choosing men over her
and throwing her into the arms of violent men
to be tortured by those men
yes I have lived through all of this and worse
and yet I have learned to choose myself
through it all
to stand tall
to not allow them to see you falter
so next time someone tells you
that you don't have choice
I say I beg to differ
humans always have a fking choice!

I have claimed my rightful place in this land
by the strength of my own two feet
and I choose healing
each day of my life
to heal myself for me
for my ancestors
and for all of those who come after me
although the journey is not done
I choose it for me
and for myself.

today i danced
i felt the music
i actually felt so alive
so in love with myself
with my life
feeling so blessed
I get to live here
in this body
in this life
and dance
move my body
move my hips from side to side
not caring who looks
as my belly rings
glimmer in the dark
and I see you look
I feel at peace and I feel free
oh for what is life
to live for
but to make
create art
be art
to dance
to move our bodies in slow motion
to taste the life
with all of its beauty
and to love the music
that the soul gives and receives
with its soul music.
TO FEEL
To
BE
FREE!

If self love was a song it would look like
comforting my inner child
looking at her with love
listening to her cries
feeling her joy pulse out of her
in her beautiful curls from age three and on
it would look like
claiming myself
saying goodbye to toxicity
treating myself as number one
saying goodbye to the energy vampires
narcissits
doing the things that makes my heart leep with joy
it feels like dancing my *** of f
in the kitchen
hugging the trees in the park like no one is watching
petting the cats
allowing my freaky flag to fly
telling my child that she is always always so safe with me
hugging her ,crying with her
validating her feelings
learning to respect my no's
and learning to be my own safe space
it feels like sunshine freckles
beaches
warm water
reading all of the fantasy romance books
and feeling finally happier and freer.

this universe is a hologram
a computer game
program it with what it wants.

maybe mirrors
show us what we want and don't want to see
we heal and it reflects back to us differently.

I feel so much pain inside
knowing that you are married
I literally couldn't see
how horrible you were to me
because you would mask it
with fake kindness
and because as a women
I was more trained to see that coming
from a man than from someone who was a close friend to me
you met me at such a vulnerable hard period of my life
I had just moved to a foreign country
I met you at a shabbat meal
we bonded over food
at first when we met
I was so attracted to you
I thought you were so beautiful to me
because in those moments you were .
We would go out drinking and partying
and although you were the religious one
you would party harder than me
I remember how so many times you would
leave me for dead
when we were around strange men
in the bars
and I would beg you to stay
to not leave me
I was so drunk I could barely move
and you didn't care
you only cared about having fun
and not about me
so because of you I experineced
so much violence.
I remember how I cried in those stairwells
begging him to stop
how I felt robotic
how you left me all the time
while promising to come back
how you would treat me like dirt
leave me on red
and make up some excuses for why
you are a shtty human ...
now honestly ,
You never once said I am sorry
until I begged it out of you,
you would talk to my roommates
who bullied me viciously,
became their friends
and even rented that apartment
in that house after I moved out
I saw that you got married
and although I would like to feel happy for you
all I feel for you is so much hate anger
and so much immense pain
I don't know why it took me so long
to see how much of a horrible person you are
a wolf in sheep's clothing
and soon you will move back here
and if I ever do see you again
I would love to spit in your face
and say Fk You!
No more to letting people walk all over me
and do as they please
I don't wanna care about being liked anymore
I'd rather be myself be safe and be around those
who actually see for who I am
instead of using me
for their own jealous gain.
Many times the ones who are the worst
are the ones closest to you
that you can't even see
now I am learning to trust the subtle red flags that I feel
when I meet someone so I don't meet a person like you again.

the art of self love
starting to see me
in my power
in my truth
feels hard
working on letting go of
codependent truths
and sharing my truths
from my place of power
and self worth
remembering where I came from
and who I am becoming
and I am really starting to love it
and see the prayers
reveal itself

I sometimes wish
I didn't feel
the way that I do
but we met
the other night
for the first time
we met because
we are both lonely
in a new town
and we both wanted more friends
from the moment we talked
I felt my body pulse
for you
which for me
that is quite a rare occasion
especially for a man
I walked to the coffee shop on friday night
and I see you with your dark curls
jeans
and as I got closer
I thought wow he is so so handsome
how can he just be my friend??
As we spoke more and more
throughout the night
I felt more and more pulled towards you
as you cared more and more about me
as we saw that we view the world in such a similar way
your a man
who feels his feelings
we spoke about crying to music
about feelings mental health and heartbreak
and now I am unsure of what to do
or how you feel
I know I am not at all ready for a relationship
or anything else
but all I know is
that I want you
and from what I can see
your insides are just as beautiful
as your outsides.

I remember you
your beautiful hair
how I met you at the bar
how you were kind to me
how we sat in the feilds
and how you played with my hair
you gentle soul
you beautiful man
I've always loved the softness in people
the way their eyes light up
when they find something funny
and the way they find the world light up
when they love something or someone
I love the people
the unique men and women
who don't fit in
who are unique and witchy
I love souls
and I like people

since I was a child
I carried the shame
of feeling wrong
of feeling that I shouldn't be the way that I am
that I shouldn't view women in that way
that I shouldn't feel so much desire for them
that I shouldn't love them the way that I do
that I don't want this burden in my life
I feel like so many straight people
don't understand their privelage
especially the religious ones
I often wonder who else grew up gay or bisexual
from my religious class
are there others that are forced to live in quiet silence ??
I always felt afraid
and now that I am facing more of myself
and I watch the world around  me becoming more
homophobic
I genuinely feel scared and afraid to be out
I spent my whole life hiding
I don't wanna hide anymore
I wish I long for a world
where I don't have to worry if my country
will pass laws against me
where I don't have to walk in fear .

I think for so long
I blamed israel
for all of my pain adn existence
when really it was me
just healing lots of trauma patterns in my life
I want to look at my life through a different lense
I still wanna believe to love people
to love my life
I still wanna believe that all is possible for me
and that the words we say are so powerful
so we need to choose them carefully
and see how we create our reality.

rebirth
from dead
I pick myself up,
it smells
like burnt ashes,
go out
and act all friendly to the ones around me,
while hoping all the while
that they can't see my
ever bleeding broken shattered
flaming heart
I don't know what is true these days,
at times
sniff the air
it smells burnt around me
I realized men had hurt me so much
I was afraid to say that I liked them
and that I like both guys and girls
but the truth is
that when I look back
my heart has been so devasted broken in half
by so many men and women
and still rebirth from the dead is possible
when we can't see the light
we think that we can't go on
but than somehow we gather the strength to,
my whole life I bit my tongue
held my breath
held my opinions to myself
couldn't see myself out of the pit
that I was in
but now
now I see.

I think
I am starting to see
perceptions
I see that I do love israel
eventhough
it has taught me some hard lessons
but they were lessons that I needed to see
sometimes life must break you
in order to grow you
I love how the people care about each other
in times of need
how people smile at you on the street
how old israeli grandmothers
will treat you as their own
how we treat each other as family for good or bad
how life is authentic here
and how we don't bullsht each other
life is refreshing crazy and intense here
and there are things that I hate
and that things that I can't stand
but there are also so many beautiful things here
how people love their family here
how there are so many animals here
how we live in a beautiful country
with so many beautiful beaches
towns rivers streams
nature spots
and laughter of chidren
sparkling throughout the air.
How walking down the street
I hear arabic hebrew russian and sometimes english as well.
How despite how the world portays us
we work together in peace
and especially where I live in Israel
we all live in peace
how in times of trouble we get together
to protest we don't just stand by
and allow things to go on,
how we are so strong
how we hold each other when we cry,
how we care about one another
how we yell at each other
one minute
and the next we are laughing together!
This is my home
Israel and Palestine.

the anger seeps through my body
hot like fire
soft and hard like led
I am not sure
if all of the anger
that I feel inside of me
is because of
Israel in itself
or if its because
I am angry at myself and
at the world that was built
around me from my trauma
I keep on wanting to travel to escape
and I am not sure if that's me
or if its my trauma responding to me
the other side of me misses america
with my heart and soul
but that too feels bad
maybe the world is just dark
right now
and I feel it.
I am angry at the school that scammed
me
and took so much money from me
The only thing that comforts me is
knowing that the universe
protects sees and knows.
my pain
and sees it all.

The aliens have landed
government uses things as a distraction
when many people who were thought of
to be crazy have been trying to tell the masses
for so long
I too didn't get my covid shots
because of the truth I knew
than the truth came out
and noone cared
maybe point is
the general people
who think that people like me are delusional
maybe we know something that you don't
learn to trust the ones
that society sees as being weird hippie or witchy
we often see what's coming
before others
do
the awakenings are coming
and things will unfold even more
keep your mind open
and your heart in healing
and see what can occur
because we have so much power
within us
but we give it away to others
or feed our fears
instead of feeding our dreams
its never to late
so don't give up

Hunger
raw
inside
my stomach churns
it seems i can't ever get it to stop
to be satisfied
with the food that I feed it
feel so much fear around food
around eating
am I eating too much
or too little
will it make me fat
will it heal me
will it make me sick
all I know is since the age of five
I was put on diets
for my "health"
and my stomach would ache
and I would cry and scream
I remembered today
the wounds
how I would go to bed hungry
how I was threatened that if I didn't behave
I wouldn't eat
how I would store the candies
in my drawer
how me and my brother made a game out of it
how I would take the candies from my mom's purse
how my mom would eat it and would tell me that I couldn't
how my brother would cry out at night
from hunger.
I see patterns
calling out from the depths of my internal darkness
wanting to be heard and seen
maybe others see me today
and think that I eat too much
because I am no longer a size zero
more like a size 10
but really what they don't know is
how much I struggle each day
to feed myself
how much of a joy and healing it is
for me to buy myself cookies
and eat them
to enjoy them
I would love to live in  a world without diet culture
but alas I am working
on setting myself free
slowly
from its clasps.

Its' like each time
I dream
I see more and more
of me
of who I am experiencing
and who I was
trapped stuck in the time
see what they don't tell you about
healing
is that
trauma makes you frozen in time
as you heal
you literally remember more of who you are
you have moments of peace and less dissacoiation
you start to feel your body more
in my dreams
I go places
many times I am escaping
trying to be somewhere else
so many times
in real life  
it feels as if I am being choked alive
as if my words don't matter
and I have lost the words to speak
I feel trapped in a time dimension
of space
of my fears
and pains .
I have always felt that I
experience this world differently
like I see things before they happen
like I percieve things differently
like I am an alien human
when I speak with animals
I feel like I belong
when I am sitting in nature
feet on the grass
staring at the brilliant
blue sky
I feel one
with all
I feel like myself
when I stare into cat's eyes
I feel like
I am staring into the universe
for we are all
at its core
love
creation energy
the universe
I know it sounds cheesy
but the more I heal
the more I find
that this is the truth
I used to believe
that people didn't like me
so that is what I was shown
in the world
now I feel my heart
starting to open up again
and I notice how more women
seem  to smile at me
in the streets
for it is all a projection .

been shamed
for the people
that I love
and for who i am
for as long as i can remember
now i am starting to see myself
beyond the shame
and i see a women who has so much strength
a women who is a free spirit
a women who loves many different types of men and women
who loves the artists the poetry the philosophers
and the ones who are smart who are shy
the ones who are quiet and have lots to say
the ones who sing beautiful songs
and are waiting for others to just see them
I believe in people
still after all of my pain
because what I am starting to see
is that nothing is bad or good
it is just the way we view things that make it so.

as I watch the protests from within
tearing down my streets my people
I have come to love and hate this country all at once
but in times of trouble and pain
the israeli people are my family
I feel my heart breaking all over again
but as well I remember the tears and blood
of the palestianians blood that is still fresh upon
the same land for the past 75 years of terror
see people think that its just the land of israel or palestine
but no its been a land of conflict and pain for a long while
a place where the greatest demons fears and patriarchial patterns
play out
I think that's why its one of the centers of the world
probably the only place.
You can feel the energies burning through seething
I can't explain it
only the ones who feel connected to this place
feel it
its as if the land cries
along with its people
the scorching sun
lights afire
and the people are on fire
for life for good or bad
I know that this place will prevail on
in some way
my place
my israel
my falestine
my middle east.

what if we all spoke to ourselves
the way that we would talk to our best friends
baby i love you deeply
your doing a great job
i am so proud of you
the world would be such a better place
the best thing we can do for ourselves
is to learn how to parent ourselves.

its like I think of you
and your here with me,
right beside me
again,
you passed when I was so young ,
yet looking back
I think you were the only one
who truly gave me love ,
for that I am so grateful ,
you made the darkest childhood and life
a bit brighter ,
you showed me that you can be spiritual without religion
you showed me art
you showed me crystals
you showed me hugs
you paid for my sewing class
I cry for you so often
these days ,
I miss you so much
I look at your picture everyday ,
I hope your in a better place in heaven
for I know you suffered so much in this life,
I hope you are proud of me,
I wish I could tattoo you in my heart
you were more of a mother to me
than my mother ever was
you were so beautiful
I miss you so much my Babi.

I think its a longing
to be safe
like I am swimming in the ocean,
and I feel safe and calm
the way I feel with animals
I think that's the way I want to feel with myself
for we always chase what we long to feel within
and its never ending
maybe its the longing to feel at home with my face with my body
the other day I actually looked in the mirror and felt content with myself
and my percieved flaws ,
I felt so happy with who I am
and who I am becoming
maybe its learning to be our own cheerleader
that when our inner child is crying out in pain
and is gasping for life
we can tell her
baby we love you
it will all be okay .
and we learn how to stand up for ourselves
once and for all
I always wanted to be saved by others
now I am learning how to save myself
and how to be my own savior.

last night in my dreams
Last night
I saw you
the memories that I tried to push away
of 2 years  ago
when I was so happy and excited to wear my first ever bikini
for I had spent so much of my life religious
where I thought I had met the cutest israeli guy
who I thought was so handsome and sweet
but how sweet
torture can taste
when we think torture is love
we went to the beach
you watched me and tried to **** me while the beach was filled with people
and I didn't realize it
I guess I didn't realize it
because it had happened so often beforehand
of me being abused by men
that it just doesn't hit you
or hurt you the same anymore
I guess some people can ask
why do you write such dark poetry
because this was my life
its not just poetry
i have lived this life for so so long
and I could never scream
I was always so silent
stuck in a never ending muffled scream
from the time I was a child and my father would hurt me
and my mother would laugh at me
and I learnt that my voice doesn't matter anymore
so why would it matter if i scream
noone would hear me anyways
now I am working on
making myself heard
even if it means being alone
so in the past couple of months
I have stopped dating men
stopped having toxic friends
and cut off everyone in my family
for they all bullied me
I want to give hope to maybe even just one person
that no matter if you come from a family and a life
like mien
where the abuse is so intense
it breaths like cuts that run so deep
like shards through your chest
that you think are life giving
so you run back wanting more
where you think ****** assaults
and **** is love
where you think objectifation
and patriarchy is love
no it is not!

To all the men and women who tortured me
and laughed at my screams
one day you will see me
and I will make my comeback
this is the only thing that keeps me going
most of the time is learning to hear my own cries
its learning to  hug myself alone in my room
because right now no one else will
its writing all the time
for it gives me life
its grieveing
a past so painful
that I just feel like
I can't breathe most of the time
its carrying the deepest and saddest pain inside of me
that I can create so much art from it.
for art is created from pain.

I wish I could tell you
when you looked at me with eyes of pity
to not pity me,
because I've been through so much ,
and I don't want pity
I wish I could share with the people in the room,
my stories,
the stories that I leave out
the stories
of mourning
the stories of grieveing
the stories
of how I lift myself up each day
some days its harder
and some days its a bit easier
how I cry almost every day
how much I mourn a family that I never truly had
how much I wish I could go back to all the toxic people
that I left
for I am so lonely and longing for love and connection
but I don't because I value myself
more
how much I dissacociate each day
how much the hunger inside of me
aches and consumes,
trying to be dulled by addictions,
aches to be seen loved touched valued
seen
to be complimented on something  other than just how I look,
to be cuddled,
without being sexualized
how deep my feelings are
how much I want friends
even just one
how much I wish I had the money
to travel
to sit at beautiful restruants,
and to pertend I live a different life
but instead I sit and I do my best
to not overshare or trauma dump
and to laugh off the things that hurt me
the things that have made me so bitter and cynical
instead I am always wishing hoping
and working towards a better life for myself
for I don't know any other way .
How much I yearn to sit with a mother
that I truly love
that is truly kind to me
that I know would do anything for me
how much I yearn for a father
that i know that could support me
that If I would call on the phone and cry to him
that he would do anything to help me
that would hold my hand and keep me safe
how much I long for to have a sister a brother
that  would be my best friend in the world
that would  respect me and care about me
and my pain
but instead I have no one
I am not looking for pity
I am looking for understanding
for a longing
of peace
that I don't have to spend another night crying,
in my bed all alone,
in a foreign country
all alone,
each time I sleep
I remember more trauma
that I forgot
of the men who hurt me in public,
and no one cared
or even asked me If I was okay .
so when people ask me
why do you have such a negetive view on life,
because I have met such horrible people
but still I am trying ,
constantly trying,
today I went out,
spoke with some people,
smiled instead of cried,
and tried to cloak my words with laughter and hopefulness
so they wouldn't see the tears that hide behind my eyes
that cry all the time.

Growth is not pretty it's fking hard.
It's picking yourself up over and over again ,sometimes only getting up and living because of your strength and resilance,many times it's being incredibly lonely, for choosing yourself can be ,it's cutting off everyone and everything that is toxic and abusive to you , it can be extremely hard esp coming from a home like mine ,were everything was extremely dysfunctional !
Growth is choosing kindness to yourself, learning how to treasure simple small moments, learning to  turn pain  it into meaning and gratitudr . Growth is sometimes breathing and holding on one moment by moment . It's exploring your dreams, the depth of your concious ,its facing your demons ,the things that terrify you, it's learning that once we see more of ourselves for who we truly are , we can learn more of who we are and live with less shame.
Growth is not looking like a perfect Instagram model buying crystals and pretending to be perfect ,it's knowing that yes I have flaws and that's okay I am a human being we are not meant to be dolls or just consumers !
Growth is looking at the shackles of society and choosing different .Its seeing the suffering of your family bec of their chains and learning to choose differently for you . So whoever wants to romanticize this ,is really bllshtting you . Spirituality aint about rainbows and flowers it's mostly about awareness and choice.

To the girl I met a few years back
you changed my mindset so much
Growing up a religious zionist
I was brainwashed
to believe that people
like you
palestinainas
were bad
***** criminals and terrorists
you showed me
that you are a normal human being
who has been oppressed
in different and similar ways to me
it also showed me that loving women
exists in people of all different cultures
you were my first kiss in a gay bar in jerusalem
two people from two different homophic backgrounds
found a beautiful moment to cherish .
I loved to watch you on stage and sing your heart away
and talk about real life
I loved your red hair and your beautiful eyes
and the way you spoke hebrew and arabic.

To the other  arabic women who saved my life
the day after I was beaten by a jewish man ,
I never knew that kindness can come from the people
that I was taught to hate the most
so when people ask me
why am I so anti religion
its because religion preaches hatred
against people for no reason.

And I say the best way to know your views on life
is to experience them for yourself
I have lived among all different kinds of religous people
jewish people palestinians arabs asians etc...
it showed me what to truly think
that  harm is done on both ends
real truth is usually  found in the greys of life
and that love romance
and beautiful moments
can truly exist with people
that seem very different than you
but really we are all the same at heart
I have dated black people white people
Arabic people etc...
I think that the world needs to stop classifying people
so much
based on meaningless things
and start to judge people
by the kindness in their hearts
life here in Israel has taught me so much
more than so many other things in life
and the truth is truth is complex and not black or white
and most of the time when you call people out  on it
they don't want to take responsibility
so they try to gaslight you
but really people show you by their actions
how they truly feel about themselves.

Its like the pain is muffled inside of me
urging to escape
to be fully me
a lover of human beings
masculine edgy
feminine but strong
a savior for the voiceless
a fairy child
a animal whisperer
I feel trapped by my own pain
by the voices in my head of those who bullied me
still keeping me small
of the internalized homophobia
and self hatred
of the yearning to believe still
that the good men exist
and I have just yet to meet more of them
that what I dream of is truly possible for me
and for that reason I keep on living
so many have told me I am so brave
I think I wanna stop being so brave
and start being happier.

I feel like so passively sucicidal so often
that feeling hard emotions
just makes me wanna feel like
I wanna off myself all the time
its so hard to deal with
because the other side of me
wants to live so beautifully
but feels so paralyzed too
and just so afraid that
the change just won't occur
I just feel so scared and afraid all the time
I don't understand the way the universe works
on one hand
I wanna hold on tight so much
to my life
and on the other hand I hate it so much
I think I hate life so much
because it feels dull
from joy
no friendships
toxic people around me still
no sense of adventure
and nothing fun going on
its like the last time I was happy for a full day
I don't think happened in the longest time
so I don't know what to say
I just wish I didn't feel this way
so often.