I just
I feel so angry
like I might just explode
my dreams have been so vivid lately
I just wish that I could have a nice real conversation
with a man
without him being disrespectful or being manipulative
is that so much to ask ??
Its like for so long I denied the reality of the world
because I only wanted to see the good in people
but now the more that i heal
the more that i see alot of the real ugliness of the world
and I wish I didn't have to see it
but because of my life experiences
I can't unsee it
I feel it is my duty
to speak out
publicly
against the violence done to young women especially
and the pain we face
yes it is so hard
and being a smart confident women
people try to tear you down sometimes
but I don't want to hide away anymore
I want to shine brightly
make a difference in the world
no matter how small
heal have a relationship that is worthy of me
and my presence
and have meaningful friendships
Is that so much to ask?
I know patience is a virtue
but it feels hard lately.

I stand alone in the crowd
Surrounded by couples and friends
Barely anyone speaks or notices me
It's like I don't really exist
Like I'm just not there
It has happened so much
You would wonder that I'm not used to it by now
One girl talks to me
And just laughs at everything I say
I'm trying to see it as maybe she was just awkward like me
But it's hard not to feel that she wasn't just laughing at me
I'm trying so hard to get over the shame
And rejection that I feel for myself
And I push myself to go outside
But it feels so so hard
And I kinda figure what's the point
But ik that I spend enough time alone
And in my house by myself
So I am trying
Another one makes a joke about me getting
Lost alone
I just don't understand
Why people are the way they are
I know I maybe don't know it all
But I just don't quite understand.

Feeling joy is in the small things
the way the wind brushes on my hair and skin
the way the beautiful sun beats down on my face
sparkling and sprinkling me with little freckles
all along my face and body
Feeling joy
is sitting in my garden
typing out poetry
vibin' to music
its coffee in the morning
its toast with cheese
its iced coffee
watching the waves on the beach
its walking to the beach every weekend
and seeing the blue sky
and the ocean melt into one
its the smell of summer on my lips
its feeling the water
and waves crash my body
its feeling free from religion
knowing I never have to experience that oppression again
its sipping ice cream spontaneously
its petting the cats and speaking to them
its hugging trees
its sitting in meditation
and feeling the peace come and calm my body and soul
its looking at my clean house
its learning to love my body for the first time in my life
loving my curves
starting to actually accept who i am
behind the silence of my walls
learning what it means to finally be me!

my whole life
I always dressed up
was obsessed with how i looked
and now today
I walked down the street
looking at myself
and I thought wow I'm pretty,
but why does it matter so much??

why does it matter if others are more or less
beautiful than I am?
I think
I was taught that my whole worth
was in how i looked
now I am starting to see
that there is so much more to me
than how I look
there is a  soul
a creative mind
a  flawed human being,
learning to dress in many ways
much simpler
with less of a rush and a fuss
is so healing.

I believe that spending so much time alone
while  it is very hard is very important ,
to learn that so much ,
of what we are taught is so important ,
is really very much not,
and the good thing is that people really don't care.

I am working on learning
that who I am is not dependent ,
on if he likes me
or if she wants me
but in the internal worth and love
and acceptence ,
that I carry within myself
and that it is so much easier,
to blame the world for our issues
and it doesn't mean that
others aren't at fault ,
but there are always two people at play here ,
I've realized the mistakes I have made in my life,
I am learning from them,
learning how to trust myself
I think this is the greatest gift of all.

I think
Love is the deepest core of who we are
The more I go on this deep deep journey
Of healing
Of sitting with just myself and my pain
And instead of hating it or wanting to wish it away
I try even for a few minutes a day
To ask it to talk to me
To tell me why it hurts
To feel into it ,
I see the deep dissociation
I have of longing
To be anything else but me
Is an escape mode
I see the depression
As trapped pain ,
I think I am learning to understand
To shift the way I view things
And the world
That when we come into our bodies
Our selves more
We learn we carry truth
We learn we are always connected
We learn that most things can be healed
And helped
If we give it time and love
I've realized that for so long
I was so Uncomftarble
In who I was
That I always wanted to change myself
Now makeup isn't wrong
But I think everything is persepctive
We give it
If we wear it because it's fun that's amazing
If we wear it to hide out true selves
And because of self hatred
Than for me it's something to look at
With love,
I feel so often
We like to throw labels at things
Without understanding
That a whole person is a whole world,
And that to be human is to be it all
And to be messy.
I wish women were granted more of this chance ,
Maybe I can show others
That you can be a woman
And be human
And that we don't need to be or look perfect
We can just be who we are
Human first.

What Can I say
I don't relate to most
when i see on tik tok
or in real life
when they talk about mental health
and say well yeah
I had a tough 6 months
or a tough year or two or a few
I wish I could relate
Instead I just think
yes I am healing
and I am proud of my progress
but I wish that I didn't feel sucidal all the time
for pretty much my whole life
when the only relief i got was maybe a few days or a few weeks
on and off
where I am afraid to eat
where my mind races like crazy
where I am tired
but then awake
where things trigger me so much
and I sit there and cry so much
and If i was really present
it would probably be much more than that
where in the past 6 months
since my 26 birthday
I've had to cut off my brothers
"friends" and so many places
because they were so bad for me and
my mental health
while I am proud of me
I wish I didn't have to do all this
I wish more people would understand
I wish I didn't have to feel this lonlieness
so deep
that I have noone to talk
to but the cats and trees
who don't really respond back or care anyways
all I have is myself
and while I am learning to love me abit more
it is still oh so hard.
so yes
the fear aches so bad
it aches in my ribs
and I sit there and I feel it all
healing is feeling
and feeling can be really hard.

The walls echo
My cries
I used to be afraid to feel it all
Used to bottle it all up inside me
For the longest time ,
Now it seems all I do is cry
And feel really intense feelings
My face looks red from crying at times
But it also glows
From the joy of realization
And healing
Although healing is hard
It's priceless.

The day of yom kippur this past year
has been so very traumatic
that I never even wanted to touch on it
not in therapies not in my writing
but it keeps on ebbing and flowing throughout my mind
every day or two or so
and that when I met you again three weeks ago
you brought it up
how that was the last time you saw me
in my bikini
after one of the many ****** assaults
that happened that day publicly
had occured
you told me
you had watched me  go to  the pool
and watched me while I meditated
you remarked
how I have been wanting to tell you
how much I admire you
that even after something so horrible had occured
you went to the pool to meditate and sit with yourself  
how I learned  english
to be able to talk to you
how much I wanted to talk to you
for you are bisexual like me
and you understand...
I do understand your  soul and heart
so similar to mine
that you saw me at my darkest hour
and still saw my beauty
I wished I could tell you how much
that meant to me
how when I see you
even in my darkest moments
you light me up
I feel so happy
I feel like you actually understand me
I feel safe with you
for I haven't felt this way with any man
in the longest time
how all I want to do
is to take care of you
to laugh with you
to make sure your okay
how when we talked
it seems how we have many similar life experiences
how it seems from the moment I met you two years ago
you lit up a place in my heart
that hasn't touched me in a very long time
for my heart and soul has been mired from the extreme abuse
I have been through
how you saw my abuse and made sure
I was okay .
How you are so very sorry.
I just wanted to say you were the light
in my deep darkness
on such a horrible day like that was.

Ariella
Ariella
Ariella
I hear myself calling  out my own name
wandering
who it is
that I am
who is this beautiful person
behind those beautiful
deep intense eyes
I wander back
I am not sure I know
for my whole life
has tested me
pushed me so very hard
I never got a chance to discover this
who am I ?


I think I am discovering who I am
slowly
the more I heal from trauma
I see the bits and pieces
form together
the more I sit with my inner child
and teach her what true unconditonal love is
the more I learn how to be my own mother
to hold myself as I cry
to tell myself that I will always be okay
that our tears are valid
that when she shows me the horrors
that we lived through
that I forgot so long ago
that I forgive her
that I love her
that I feel the anger about my oppressors
that I allow myself to be human
and not just a painting to be looked at
jeered at mocked at
or wanted,

for I am human
and I am a being
and I am a little girl
a women
a person who has a huge heart
a person who sees the stray cats and wants to take them all home
who's soul is poetry who loves art
who loves men ,women the ocean the nature
the words from my soul
that want to be written all day
a person who wants to give the goodness to the world
but has learnt that most people aren't worthy of it.
I think I am amazing
its taken a long way
but you can get there
so when I hear my name
I know I am worthy
even if many others
don't think so
or see so ..
or don't understand the deep soul
that I am
for I am an old soul
and its okay
if they can't see
because I see .

my whole life
i was taught
that i must be someone
important impressive
that I must get amazing grades
that i must always look perfect
that I must get married young
and birth many children
to stay silent
while putting up with abuse
to stay silent
while the cult of religion
fed me lies
to not ask questions
to shut up
to not look at pain in the face
and  instead to numb myself
to punish myself
to force myself to be on a crazy healthy diet
to drown myself
to protect myself from my pain
that I can't ever be authentic
because noone wants to hear my voice
that I shouldn't talk because I stutter
that I shouldn't bother asking questions about the meaning of life
because nothing matters anyways
that I should cover my knees my legs my collarbone
my elbows
that a man shouldn't look at me
and sin
and that I am the source of sins.
My whole life I was fed lies about what it meant to be a women
which was mostly opression
I was taught forced opression
so its no wonder I mostly didn't want to be one.
Now I realize as hard as it might be
I don't owe anyone or anything any of this
and I can be a women
without needing to wear makeup shave or be submissive
or I can when I choose to be
I can choose to be my full self
even if others reject me
even if others try to shame me or dim my light
for still my whole life as recent as even last night
women have rejected me
ignored me and shamed me
and men have as well
maybe the lesson  is to love ourselves
so much  so that what they say or think
doesn't have to matter
that knowing ourselves
loving ourselves
and being kind to ourselves
is the greatest gift
we can give ourselves
for we come into this world alone
and we die and will be buried alone
for its okay to be average
in a beautiful way
as long as our life has meaning to us.

Today
AS I walked
I felt the pain
the tears
from years of self hatred
of feeling the pressure to conform
to change my body
my looks all the time
to gain the approval of society
of the "men" around me .
Of hearing my  mother's voice
shouting at me
that I shouldn't eat
so I won't be fat
of forcing myself my whole life
to wear clothing that was uncomftarble
to wear shoes that hurt
so I can be the perfect pallate
for the male gaze
so I could get married off
at a younger age
Today
I looked in the mirror
last night I looked in the mirror
and really saw myself
as a human being
so worthy of love
without needing to always wear makeup
dress up fancy
or cater myself to others wants needs or desires
that I am worthy of love always
that I am so much more
than my good looks
my whole life my looks have been so feteshized
I thought who I was
was how I looked
now it seems
the less I care
the more loved and beautiful I feel
for true beauty
is knowing our worth
and knowing that we are so much more than our looks
So I went out in a bikini yesterday
and I felt the water and the sun on my face
and I felt beautiful
for my body gets to live this beautiful life
no matter if its skinny
or not
I am worthy
no matter what .
What if we decided
that our acne was beautiful
our spider veins are marks of beauty
our freckles and our curls
are like marks of a rainbow
a beautiful one
left on our body
by a creator
to make us look unique
and in love with life
what if we all stopped trying so hard
to look like an instagram page
and started living our life
from our own unique grace talents and love?!
What If?

Suddenly its here
I sent the letters
that I always wanted to send
to the schools that
bullied me
to the place
that didn't care
about my ****** assault
I sent them letters today
finally after all these years
but not from a place of terror
or victim hood
but from a place of transmutation
of taking pain
and transforming it
to make these places
safer healthier more loving places
for other women.
Healing is possible
never allow anyone
to tell you that it isn't .
Be the you
that your inner child has always needed.

How funny life is
Ain't it
Come to the cafe
Where I met you all this months ago
But yet not a word is spoken
I pertend as if I don't known you
For the horror of betrayal
Of being cast aside
Rejected
Hurts too much
I notice
How people
Act when they want to be polite
But I won't be anymore
Instead I'll just stare
And write
I don't own you a smile.
I don't owe anyone
My self respect.

My tolerance for bullsht
became so thin
bec ive dealt with it
my whole life
do you actually think
that I would take you
back
after you laughed at me
spit at me
when I was down
mocked my insecurities
and belittled me ??!!
just because we are flesh and blood
it doesn't mean you get another chance with me
or that I buy your lies or bullsht
anymore
so you text me saying you love me
love is proven
true love
is kindness
empathy
compassion
caring about the other human being
it means more than just basic decency
I can't believe
how much I was brainwashed
to beg for decency
when I am sure
there are people
that exist
that would surely give that to me
and even more than that
just because they care,
but I will not depend on what
others will do or won't do anymore,
  I must give it to myself
and noone especially not my brother
will take away my standards from me
ever again.

Its so crazy to realize
that my whole life
I was deluded
by others perceptions of me
and I still never changed or shifted
from my internal compass.

That I was brought up to believe
that I as a women
is less than

that I am a women is a" slave "
to the patriarchy
to how men perceive me.

As I deconstruct my old religious ideologies,
I see how the truth was lying right there "hidden" in plain sight,

how they have tried to erase the Divine Feminine
but still we rise like a phoenix out of the ashes.

I knew that religion and I were never a good fit
seems my questions were right after all,
seems my inner knowing was right after all
always
is and will be,
see they try to keep us small ,
so that we don't recognize & realize our power
in who we are as women
equal to men,
and different in our ways
for the dark feminine
is different than the  masculine.

I remember when my brother would laugh at me
and mock me
and say that I am fat
& that I am "masculine"

when really I am just powerful
curvy and strong
and a man like him,
who is so deeply wounded
can't see how me as a human being
is just as important as he is
So I will use my voice
to call out
to be the voice for women
to be the voice of my child
that  was mutilated in pain
from the men in my life
who could care less
about my screaming.

I went to the rooftop
I saw you there
dancing with the dreds
in your hair
how I wished I could tell you about my dream
I had about you the other night
how much I miss you
how much I wish I could date you
and hold you tight

But I decided
and said outloud
I let you go
and I forgive you
it hurts to hold the feelings in my heart for you
knowing that it can't ever be.

I watched you another beautiful women
you with the dark hair
curly hair
gorgeous almond colored eyes
the way you danced
how much I wished
I had the courage to
ask you to dance
but the gay panic
kept me frozen there
with my mouth frozen
possibly for the fear of rejection
that has hurt me
and punctured me so deeply
I love women ,
I love men
I love humans
and I don't wanna feel shame
for it anymore
for I love people
and I can't wait to be in a loving relationship
one day.

I went to that rooftop party today
I went and I faced my demons
seemed like that was the theme of this week
I went and I saw and conquered
and showed them
that I am not afraid or scared anymore
I go days and days in complete silence
the only sound is of my own mind
my whole life
all I've had is the opposite of this
so much noise talking and being sociable
seems hard
now I have more peace
but I have noone
and that feels like an indescribable ache of longing
deep within.

Its like all the lovers
I had
are forever etched in my mind
I hope I am etched in there's too
I saw the man the other day The one
I gave my heart to
and he just gave his body to me
that was all
and barely that
Its like I can't get his eyes out of my mind
the green golden hazel eyes
and the relaxed feeling that I felt just being with him
I remember one of the first men that I met
when I came here
when I had just left religion
we went to his apartment
he wasn't religious
he was kind
so cute and sweet
and romantic
I remember sitting on this porch
with my shirt off
staring at him
him staring at me
with a look of adoration
and I felt so blessed to be in that moment
so looking back in reflection
not all the men I met in my life
were horrible
many were kind
and I just forgot that
because I closed my heart off
to everything for so long
and now slowly
I feel like my heart is slowly starting to open
curious how the world looks
when we start to remember the beautiful moments
not just the bad or terrible ones.
So I hope wherever you are
if it is in jerusalem
where we met or somewhere else here
I wish you well
and I wish you blessings
for treating me with such kindness and care,
and I hope you think of me from time to time.
Ariel

I wanna go to see the ocean
but not the typical one that I always see
I wanna go to the ocean
to meet my grandmother
who passed when I was 12
just to hug her for one last time
just to be able to talk to my brothers again
because eventhough they are alive
they are still dead in my heart
mired from the pain of silent but ongoing abuse
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my parents before
they became abusive
when they were kind humans
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my childhood home
to see myself as a child
to give myself all the hugs and love that I needed
while I was being violated
in my supposed safe place
I wanna go to see the ocean
to drench myself in the sea of my own tears
tears of complete sadness joy freedom and awe
because all can exist at once
and it does in the ocean of my heart
all this exists
joy that I can finally be freed of my chains of my past
but agony that I have to do this to be free
and all the sadness that comes along it
my eyes are the colors of the ocean
that swim with the pain of lonlieness
of longing
of imagining
of becoming
of waiting
of longing
of desire
of wanting a chosen family
of my own
and a place that I can truly call home

music is like prisms of time
healing moments
of love joy peace and terror
incapsulating all that i know and hold dear
as I listen to the music of my teenage hood
of so much pain and yearning
it transports me
and gives me a new perspective and meaning.

Life is so weird
ain't it
I moved to israel
to leave my family and religion behind
but yet here i am faced with it all
probably to heal it all.
I live in an area with tonz of super religious jews
who remind me of the way that I was brought up and raised
remind me of how my dad still looks
and how my mother carries herself
but now I am on the other side
I am the one who the men look at it
and think wow she is not modest
she doesnt look jewish etc...
Now I look at the women wearing stockings and long skirts
and I feel their suffering
because I know how it felt for many many years of my life
to feel opressed while not knowing that I was
and was forced to dress "lady like"
to cover my legs and scorch in the heat
while I would judge wish and wander
what it would be like to dress like a women
like me now in the current day
ain't it weird how life teaches us
and shows us
ain't it weird how sometimes it may take many years
but we can accomplish the goals and wishes we had.
So each summer now that I get to wear shorts jeans
a bikini a short sleeve shirt a tank top
and to wear my curves with grace instead of shame
that is a win for me and my inner child
each time I get to eat what I want
and not have to keep the laws of the opressive religion that I was born into
is freedom to me
it is still taking time to heal those wounds
but many times I look back and I see how grateful I am
to not be religious and to live the life that I want
so I am
so very grateful.

my whole life
i spent searching for you
for a love that would save my life
for someone to save me
from myself
from my pain
from my sorrorw
now I realize the love has been there for me all along
the love within myself
I realized I was always waiting for someone else
to give me permission to allow me
to live the life that
I want to live
the only permission that I need is my own
and what I realized was
that my greatest fear came true
but not in a bad way
I was always so afraid of being all alone
without friends or family
and I am
and eventhough it is hard sometimes
it is not as scary as I thought
its actually a blessing
to learn who I am
to learn how to heal myself
how to start accepting myself
loving myself and listening to myself
and my wants and my needs first
before anyone else's
to learn to proritize myself
many people when they are dying say
I wish I would've listened to myself more
and lived the life of my own choosing
I think this should be the goal before anything else
for in this body
we only live once
so the more I listen
the more I see
that life can be so beautiful
in its simplicity
in the present moments
of  a slower life.

I saw you today,
the man I hooked up with at this time
last year
the one who I really liked
but who was too embrassed to show me off,
the one who only cared about me for my body
but not for my soul
not for who I was,
the one who didn't respect me or my boundaries
I saw you today ,
and I felt stronger
than you
I saw you the real you ,
the one who is insecure
the one who doesn't know how to love or care about me,
If I could tell myself last year
I would say
judge people by how they treat you
and he doesn't deserve you at all.
So today you saw me
dressed up **** and beautifully
just so you could see
that now I am more powerful
I am stronger and I don't let men like you
take me down anymore or use me or shame me
today you stared at me
and I stared right back defiantely
knowing you can't take me down a peg anymore .
Promising to myself
I would rather be single
than settle for a shtty person like you .
That is strength
strength in choice.

I loved playing with dresses
wearing heels
and maybe that was the last time
that i felt that i could do so
that I could wear what I want and feel free
in that moment
because after that all I remember
is wanting to be everything  but myself
because nothing ever felt safe
to always be met with laughter and torture
whenever I would be my lovely feminine self
so I carried the wound of what some would say is gender dysphoria
but also just wanting to be anything that wasn't me
pertending I was my friend inside  ,  or an animal or a chair
just so I couldn't feel
the depth of painful rejection,
just so I could be free
now lately these feelings are here,
because I haven't felt safe
instead of pushing the feelings away
and listening to everyone else
I Am starting to listen
to the little voice
who says she wants to be free to be herself
to be powerful
to be strong
to be a girl
who loves dresses and is strong
for being that way
not weak
to love who I am
and to learn to embrace that
and to realize
there was never anything wrong with me
I was just brought into the world into a place with people
who could never love me
or appreciate my light
now I am choosing different
for my inner child and for myself.
Now is the time to choose power
to choose strength.
But most of all to choose love
to choose to love all of me
and that I never needed to long to be someone that I am not.
I alone have the power to change my life
and to save myself in the end.

went out today
worked on really not oversharing
it feels really hard to mask
but what can I do
I live in a world with certein social rules
although I may not understand them
I am really trying hard to
and that's all that I can do.
I saw the girls that I know sitting on the side
so I ask them how they are and try to make conversation
and they just don't really care.
I wish I didn't care
and sometimes I wish I couldn't feel energies
its intense.

my own brother sexualized me,
its hard to feel love for myself
or to even look in the mirror
when i feel like i carry my scars all over
of all the horror everywhere.

I struggle so much
with the memories
and so much repressed anger
Its like im always screaming inside
and shaking from  insane terror

naseu confusion
drinking wine to numb the lonlieness
crying myself to sleep
with my lonlieness
the memories haunt my mind
feel triggered from it all
feel trapped in my mind in my body
but I just wanna be free.

I call back my power
from everyone and everything
that tried to humble me
Today I walked across the street
and gave the angry looks to everyone who tried to
objectify me
people
think that magic is all light
but im here to tell you
that is a lie
in fact it is quite dark
I am tired of the fake positivity
of everyone pertending
in delusions
work towards what you want
but allow your hatred and pain
to transform you
to consume you
to help you
heal your wounds
and empower you to never become like your opressors
use your darkness
don't hide from it.

Everyone who thought they could fk with me
dont know a thing
when you hurt me
i cut you out with no shame
as if you never existed
as if i never felt anything towards you ,
and I roll my eyes to you and
shoot you death glares with my aura and my eyes.  
they call me a witch
well maybe I am one,
to the ones who mess with me.

maybe learn your lessons
and stop being mean
so that you don't get hurt.
point is dont fck with a witch

wish i could send all of my opressors
all of the angry metal music
that i listen to all the time now
on how much i hate them despise them
and how they feel like a parasite inside me
because who they are is exactly that
parasites.

just close my eyes
for another day
help me sleep my life away
so i dont have to face my pain
anymore
the sad pained face
the intense pained eyes
the longing to return
to my grandmother who is dead
it hurts so much
i wish I didn't feel so sucidal
I wish I felt happier
I wish I had friends who truly saw me
I wish I had a family and people who truly love me
and a partner who I can love
But alas all I have is myself
and as I sit here truly feeling my true feelings
for the first time in so long
It feels so overwhelming
but I feel like I'm healing
I still have hope
for a better life
its the only thing keeping me alive sometimes.

I went to the beach today
I felt glimmers of hope
of presence of moments
without pure self hatred
moments of peace
moments of self love
its like watching myself slowly emerge
from a deep mountain of sht
that kept me locked up for so long
I am really trying to be patient with my progress
while healing from more than one addiction
chronic pain and complex post trauma ,
I always reflect why do I have to heal from so much
and to withstand so much terror in my life
more than most people I know my age,
or older.
It always come back to people
who have large amounts of pain
have a big purpose in this life
to help others heal through
and emerge from their own hells
I feel this is why
and it helps me get through days,
because many days it feels really hard still.
I reflect on the small things because it helps
and writing helps keep me sane.

I struggle so deeply
to feel at home in my body,
all I feel when I look at my chest
is all of the men that used me like a doll
of my mom shaming me in my head
for my *******
and how "provocative " I am
for just existing,
for society sexualizing me,
for all the women that hated me for my body/looks,and objectified me
and all the men that "loved"  me /used me just for my body and sexualized me
with their eyes.

It hurts  so deeply to feel so violated  all the time
it echoes in my mind,body and soul
all the repeated violations words, looks and all the aching laughter,
the way everyone  in my family
sexualized me since I was a child,
so intern I internalized all the hatred to my body and my chest.

I just wander if these people  truly understand
how much their actions truly affect others,
how deeply I suffer with complex post trauma all the time
and dysphoria sometimes,
from the deep pain of ****** violence

when I truly look at it all,
its not even wanting to be a man
so much so , as wanting to be seen as a person.

who is worthy of being heard,
not because I am pretty ***** or curvy
or hot or ****,
but because I am smart I am strong
I am  impressive  and resiliant
have a beautiful mind
and I am not just how I look
or how I present.

My whole life I was influenced and taught to believe
that my only value as a women
was my looks,
or to be chosen by a  man or by my society,
and to exist as a  baby making machine,
while not complaining or being "too much ".
That I shouldn't show my body too much , & that I should always look good 24/7,like I am a doll of some kind, instead of a human being.

How my body was the reason for men sinning
and how I would go to hell for my thoughts or behaviors
if I wasn't perfect.

Now I am realizing none of that truly matters,
and I don't wanna live the rest of my life
chasing validation,
or feeling like I need others approval to feel whole inside,
I wanna accept who I am
love who I am
and like myself for who I am,
and not just for my looks or for my body or sexuality,
but for who I am down to my core
the good and the seemingly bad imperfections
to feel safe in myself and that is beautiful to just be me
without needing to put on a show for anyone.

My whole life
I felt so much shame in my whole being
like I was born wrong
that everything about me was so wrong
because I was born into a family
where I never recieved love attachment or true joy
where I was always picked on bullied and harrassed by
pretty much everyone in my life.
Where everytime I felt my dysphoria
I felt wrong
Iike it was wrong to feel like a girl
but wanna be a boy at times ...
but now that I am healing myself
I see that there is nothing wrong with who I am
that I am beautifully made
and that I am just different in my own way
and that is beautiful ,
I am a person who thinks for myself
who has always questioned it all
and that's why I was able to leave a super opressive religion
and hometown.
It's been my saving grace.
Someone who is super creative
who has a super big heart and soul
who feels so many many things
so when others even in a well intended way
try to tell me that I am non binary or something like that
or queer,
the labels don't feel like they  fit me,
because I am who I am
and I don't like labels,

I am learning to not  judge myself
but to just accept myself,

that I have a right to exist
to live a good beautiful life
of my own choosing
to learn that I am powerful by just being me
by just existing,
and that there was never anything wrong with me
I AM Who I AM.

Its like I can't get your face
out of my head
its like you haunt me ,
it haunts me
how you violated me
in your bed
naked
without ever caring
to listen to my no's!!

While having to go about  the next day,
like nothing else happened
that it had occurred yet again,
although this time
it had left its mark on my  face
that I am still battling all  these months later.

A reminder to myself
to not trust easily anymore!
To NEVER  Allow  Any "MAN" to ever disgrace me again,
to never allow anyone to ever take advantage of me,
and my kindness again!
To never allow myself to hookup with someone again!
To never ever doubt myself
And to always listen to myself!

So as I see your face in my mind
I curse at you,
and all of the pain that you have given me,
and all of its sorrow.

because it hurts so so deeply
and the fear carasses  at my bones

I find my healing
through crying
whaling
sobbing
shouting angry curses
allowing myself to be angry
and rageful at the people
who tortured me
and for so long
I could never feel a **** utter thing.
I could barely ever cry
I would sheild myself from them
now I'm learning to welcome them.

My whole life I supressed my anger
towards people
and instead I tried to please
now I am working on healing this chaoutic pattern
and realizing facing
and befriending the anger instead.

I feel it inside of me
like a blazing hot sword
ready to ****
whoever dares to haunt me or  hurt me.

yesterday
I was walking home
as a man started to follow me and cat call
me,
just like my father and all  of the other  men in my family
\who don't respect or like women.
as well as  most of the men I have met in my life
that I hate with all of the bones in my body.

The past me would've held my body in fear ,
and would've tried to shrink myself down ,
make myself invisible to the wandering eyes.
and rushed along all of  this time .

Instead I held my keys outwards,
and stared back with anger and defiance
as he continued to follow me.

I started to  yell out curse words  and allowed him to pass,
Something as small as that
shows the power of the feminine
when she starts to fight back
against her predators.

My one hope is that I heal
that I meet people
that show me that
there are good people left in the world
because its not just the men that have done me wrong
its the women too
in ways that are just as painful
they sting and burn so harshly inside.

I wanna be known as,
or perhaps i am known for it already
as the girl who changed so much
for the better
that no one recognized her
not for her looks
or for her persona
because she changed
because she finally healed
and found her true self
that was buried deep down
beyond her fiscod
of pain
I will hope
that I become the person
that will make my inner child
feel the most loved in the world
I hope that I can be
the one I have always wanted my mother and father to be
for me
I hope I represent how to be a good masculine energy
and how to be a good healthy feminine energy
I hope that I learn how to create a life that I love fully
I hope
that my brain fully heals
and that I always sing the songs
of my heart
as magical spells
while staring at the skies magical wonder.

My whole life everyone has abused me
hurt me
tried to shrink me
laughed at me, when I was down
spat at me
and told me I was nothing.

Now you know whats even better
the men who laugh at me objectify me
the women who insult me my body
and who I am,
think that I am worthless
maybe you haven' experienced what I have in life,
but I will say this,
you haven't seen me in my villian era.

See many feminists
won't actually admit
that women
can be just as bad as men or worse
see it ain't about gender
its about a certein kind of people
who are rotten to the core,
and they don't show their face,
until after they are done.

But KARMA sees and knows.

oh so this goes out to all my haters
everyone that acted like my friend
and was my actual flesh and blood
who harassed my body
made ****** jokes about me
who hate me for just existing,
well really you just hate yourself
and when these things have happened to me
I would just wanna die
and say what's the point??

and I still feel that way ,
but this time
I am even more empowered
to be even more in my power
and to not allow those who are
toxic as hell
to take me down anymore!

One day I will meet my people
and the ones who deserve it will
get what they need,
because that's how the universe works
I trust it
I have my whole life,

always tried to be the good person
but no more.
I just laugh
because its always the men
who claim to be feminists
and woke,

its the women who pertend to be awakened and spiritual
y'all are just lying pieces of sht
so don't pertend to be awakened
when clearly your just a piece of hell.
I hope you learn your lesson
because I ain't being around you anymore.

I allow the dark feminine to rise within me
and I say enough is fcking enough!!

I think about you when I touch myself
I remember the way you touched my heart
the way your hair felt in my hands
the way you kissed my cheek
and the way you flirted with me
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
and I could just forget you.

It doesn't take much
For a society to become authoritarian
First they start by labeling
The right ways to think
Be look and act
Than they
start
With masks
With doctors who give you pills instead of cures
To fuel their big time  money making machine,
Now I'm not saying it's all bad
Than mandatory vaccines
Monitering internet usage
Than it's inflation magically rising
Let's see how much we can crush our people,
Make them obey
Than it's creating artificial humans
Already see it coming ...

The books I read as a teen
With the foresight to know and understand it might happen ,

If you stay quiet your compliant.
So will you understand

The way this matrix
Programs you from birth
To hate  yourself,
To continue to buy things to feel better about yourself,

To force you into a system of  slave labor,
That ***** your soul and your life force,

That convinces you
Tricks you
To always live in survival,

So you can't ever truly relax.

I never realized I picked a country just like the USA but worse in some ways,

It definitely gives perspective
To leave religion
To exit many ideologies
And to see truth
For what it is
So will you remain asleep or choose to listen to yourself
And to awaken
The choice is only yours
And it's up to you
And you only.

As I walked down the bridge between masada street and balfour
I saw you pass by,
the gurl who i met
a month ago ,
who I thought was the cutest
chick,
who told me she was from germany
and I gleefuly replied
my great grandparents lived there ,before the war.

As we were talking
I realized her boyfriend had been flirting with me the past two weeks or so,
without ever telling me that he was taken,
which angered me so, I  felt like the world closed in on me.

she bought me a beer we had our laughs
than she left me there tipsy, with my drink in  hand
to run off with her boy toy of a boyfriend ,
in a crowd filled with  people...
the next day she messeged me sayin'
do you wanna hange out?
I said nope I won't hang out with a btch
who leaves me drunk and alone in a crowd full of noise angst and chaous,
and as I saw you today
all I can think of is that,
and a friendship that could've been
but thank god it just wasn't .

its like discovering myself
for the first time
through words
through putting lotions on my body
for the first time
for taking care of my hair
my face
my body
for allowing myself
to eat without restriction
to allow myself to laugh
at taboo subjects
and to howl at the religion and the life that I came from
while reminiscing on the good
that was amongst the bad the hard and the painful.

it just feels sickening and painful
to remember a childhood so painful
that when I remember it
it feels choking to even think about
its like when i talk to my therapist
i can even feel her recoil almost.

honestly i don't give a f if its controversial
why can't people actually think for themselves anymore?!

I feel so fed up and so angry inside,
maybe to others they think,
why does she care so much ?!
because I was harmed by this ideology
of gender,
of telling me that I am not a women,
of dictating to me who I must be ,
of what labels and what pronouns I should carry ,
that it no longer feels safe to me to be in my own community.

Of brainwashing so many others
no what we need is a more loving society
where women can be loud
without being labled as masculine or non binary
where men can be emotional without being labled as gay
can't you see its just mysogony in another form?

gender ideology
thinks its making strides ,
when its really just erasing women more,
and allowing people to steep more into their self hatred
instead of allowing others to be humans
without giving them labels,
to allow those who struggle with dysphoria
to learn how to love themselves
to sit with their pain ,
to ask why do I feel this way??
what has caused me so much pain to make me hate my gender that I was born into?

For me I realized
I experienced so much violence  by men
that it made me hate being a women in many ways,
I wanted to feel strong
I wanted to feel that my voice mattered
so I thought, sometimes I wanna be a man ,
but after thinking more and more I realized
that isn't the truth,
its that the world doesn't feel safe to me
to be a curvy outspoken women ,
who is loud passionate and blunt.
to feel and recoil inside
when the creepy men stare at me
like I'm a  **** -*** doll on wheels ,
I just wanna scream
from the rooftops
I AM A WOMEN,
Allow me to be FREE!

I left religion because it caged me in a box
and now i see that ideologies are the same.
I encourage you to think for yourself,
despite the cancel culture.
for only then can we know,
who isn't a robot
and who is a human.
Humans have their own thoughts,
robots don't question anything.
so start to question.

I'm starting to remember
that despite
so so very much pain in my life,
and so much utter rejection and bullying.

I have met men and some women
who really did accept me
and love me for who I am ,
who appreciated me
who saw me for who I truly was ,
and I remember that,

instead of blaming others for pain ,
we take personal responsiblity
and realize it takes two to tango!

I feel like most people
really don't understand me.
It feels really hard
most people drain me
most places drain me
It feels hard to be alive
most of the time
because I feel like
I'm from a different planet earth.
I feel like my soul is not from here,
I care about things that most
don't care about.
I feel at peace with sci fi
which  I definitly believe
is real
in other realities...
I believe in spirituality
not as a fantasy ,but as reality
when people pollute the earth
and I see it in real life,
It feels like my soul is crying inside.
I love animals especially cats,
I feel that they understand me and see my pain
without words,just a knowing.
I feel like everything is art
good and bad.
I feel traumatized
from everyone and everything.
I just feel like an alien
I don't know how to be human,
most of the time.

I just wanna feed  the animals& sing to them
grow my children to love themselves
fully &truly.

I would just love to meet people
who truly see me,
who don't wanna use me ,
or see me as a threat or competition
because of the way that I look.

I just feel tired
just so tired,
no matter how much I sleep.
I feel tired of this reality,
I wish I could escape!

All I remember since living here
the past 3 years
is mostly lots and lots of hardships
I wonder to myself
is this all worth it?
I just don't know anymore ...

As I sit here crying all by myself
the pain of my life
just gets to me
everyday feels like a year ,
I've lost so much in my life
yet I still see the good in it
I guess, 
that it was worth it .

But when i interact with others
I just wish that I could have a family
that I could speak to,
or even just one good friend.

I don't think that's asking for so much ...
I checked my brother's Instagram today
after months of not,
and I wish I still didn't care
after the ways he has abused me so,
but I do
I worry
looking at his shaven head and his gaunt body
to the brother who was once
my best friend in this whole world,
the one that I felt,
loved me no mater what ,
but turns out that this was never love
it was abuse and trauma bonds,
which is reflected in the way that he now appears,
as this scary looking gangster man,
who cares more about money& his ego
than loving and caring about others.

And I just ask myself why??

But I think it was always this way
or maybe it wasn't ,
Life just feels so painful
in some moments .

I just so badly wish
that I didn't feel anything in my heart,
I feel so often
that I wasn't born for this world,
I am just so extremely sensitive
and I love with such a big heart,
that I remember every single fling
I had, and I still love every man who cuddled with me
and hugged my little heart so tight :(
To know that the ones that I loved
could care less about me,
bleeds with a soul knife
that  just likes to taunt me
all the time
with its memories.