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I suppose it's better that way.
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So I wouldn't try to say "Hey"
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A hole grows larger in my heart.
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This is absolutely tearing me apart.
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I'm sustained by the memories I keep.
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And by the dreams that haunt me in my sleep.
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I hope you're doing alright.
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And that someone is appreciating you, holding you tight.
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What's a best friend?
I hope one day I know the meaning of what a “best friend” is suppose to be.

One who won’t constantly scrutinize me.

One who will laugh with me and not at me.

One who will listen instead of interrupt.

*

Who will encourage me to do my best, because they have faith in what I can do. 

And it’s a shame that I thought it’d be you. 
You’re not right in your heart, and for that we should be apart. 

Until you stop putting others down and turn your life around, I will be absent.

I could never speak to you and have your full understanding. 

You have your herd of sheep, but I chose to stand up and create my own life to lead.

I’ve encouraged you before, but instead you choose to stay tied down to your bedroom floor.

It hurts to say “I love you” 
because now I will be without you, 

But it’s better to avoid making more of a mess and time to lay this “friendship” to rest. 

I wish you nothing but the best.

These wilted flowers that sit on my desk,
Foretold the future I was whispered of, in my head,
Once vibrant blossoms,
Now dull, devastatingly dreary,
Mimic the coldness I feel now,
That you’re no longer near me.
The candles flicker around me,
So fickle, oh so faint,
I’ll dread the moment they go out,
For then darkness will take their place.
I hear the thunder all around me,
A vicious reminder of our once booming love,
Fading off in the distance,
Then only leaving the rain and I to sob,
And I know you didn’t think I noticed when you stuttered on “goodbye”
Because the tears they welled up, and glazed over my eyes.
But I saw the crack in your demeanor, when I begged you not to go.
I really thought you meant it,
When you told me you loved me so..

Honestly, I think I just want ***.
So please ignore my texts.
I don’t miss you, I miss the way you feel.
I don’t miss your smile, I just miss it having me as a meal.
I miss the primal nature in which we rolled around, the heat radiating off our bodies, not the memories we never found.
Honestly, I think I just want ***.
So please just ignore my texts,
I don’t miss you, I miss the way you feel,
I miss your hands all over me, not when we’d hold them together casually.
I don’t miss you, I just want ***.
So please don’t ignore my texts,
Come over and please me,
Don’t stick around in bed, just pull up your pants and leave.
I don’t miss you, I just want ***.

“Just as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
You forewarned me, so I guess it was really my fault that I ended up so lonely.
“
We never had a reason to hang out in the first place.” You said

So I guess those past months of interest were all in my head? 

“I had no idea what was going on ‘till this morning…I just wanted to make you happy…I’m sorry…”

But you couldn’t even keep your word.
Never mind the things I heard. 

You were unreliable from the start, but I ignored the warnings to follow my heart.

Like when you said,

“I promise he’s not a dangerous person…”

But how would you know?
You were drunk…
passed out…
worthless.

When he leaned in to kiss me and I said no and tried to push him away.
“
You’re in my ******* house” he spat and pushed down so I couldn’t escape.

Clasped his hand over my mouth,

I couldn’t let a single word out.

Pulled down my dress and put his hand on my chest, 

Until I managed to reach my hand down , 
Pull out my mace, then he freaked out.

I tried to wake you up, but you just mumbled and stayed slumped.

I was so scared. 

And you couldn’t do anything even though you were right there. 

…

I don’t know how I feel about redemption, how anyone can do such vile things and claim it wasn’t their true intention? 

“He says he’s sorry and he didn’t mean to come off that way…” 
That’s ******* *******, I should have knocked him in his god-forsaken face.

“You’re a ******* brat. I know you hate him, but that’s my brother, and as much as you’re worth, you can’t try to act reasonably justified in tearing a family apart.”

When you said that, just know you ripped a hole in my heart.

How are you so perfect?
Is all I seem to think.
I'm broken, hurt, alone, and being pushed right to the brink.
I'm looking up at this midnight sky,
With no one to talk to, just wondering "why?"
why didn't it work out?
Why aren't you here with me?
Listening to this music and kissing passionately.
I came here to socialize, but instead I'm sitting alone, in the dark, outside.
The vibrations running through me, aren't anything like what they used to be.
I'm numb on 18 percent,
Hoping the stars will help me to vent,  
I wish I could go inside and enjoy the music but when I hear the music I just can't help but to think of your style and your fingers running so passionately across the strings
I destroyed this poem.
But you remained.

I think of you from time to time and of how I'd ask you to pass the wine, before our lips joined together as one, your dark to my light, ying and yang, intertwined.

I think of you lesser now, of only how your fuzz had felt, upon my chin and against my cheek, our hearts never had a chance to fully meet.

I think of you, a vague memory of what it felt like to be in lust, not in love but so passion consumed it swelled and bust.

I don't want to admit that I think of you now, because of how our trist fell out.
It was dark and gruesome and nothing like the butterflies that used to carry me off the ground, but instead a sludge that sunk my feet and pulled me deeper in over my crown.

You're a memory of grief buried deep, but out from the mud I have bloomed again, a flower for the moths to pollinate and spread my love to those who hate.

Peonies are pink,

your words were unloving, 

Much like a rose, 

you were deceptive and cunning.

Upon embracing your beauty,

my tender flesh was transfixed,

and as my ichor seeped out,

I began to go limp.

My precious petals wilted 
and flit unto the ground.

Back to the earth, for your roots to redound. 

All of my love and all of my spirit.

I will leave to you,
my darling.

My dearest. ~

Feel it now, I touch the tender flesh that's crammed between my tea stained bones. My legs are throbbing, from running in circles, trying to stay on your tail.
But the flesh was stripping from my bones with every sprint I took.
Veins throbbing, I felt like crumbling.
I saw nothing but your shadow then, taunting me as you danced backwards away from me, your crescent smile left the only moon illuminating my dark.
It was faint and fast, gone leaving me in an oblivion of nothing.
Feel it now, I touch the tender flesh that's crammed between my tea stained bones.
Shin splints. Painful with every step I attempt to take, eventually my muscles will heal, sure,
Yet I'm still out of breath. Yet my heart is still racing. Yet I can't seem to catch a break.

When you go,
don’t say goodbye,
Just shut the door,
and put out the light.
I’ll stay right here,
I won’t bat an eye,
Just go, just go,
I know you’re wastin my time.
Being alone, is beginning to feel more like home.
And I know, I know,
I told you so,
so just go, just go, I wanna be alone.
I wake up to a bed, that’s empty just like me.
But I can’t stand another heart break, so just leave me be.
I wish the pain in my chest would go away, and although my heart aches, I know I’m better off this way.
When you go, don’t say goodbye,
just shut the door and put out the light.
When you go, don’t say goodbye,
just shut the door and put out the light.
I don’t think I can take anyone’s touch anymore.
Because just like their belts, I end up on the floor.
Just another notch to them to undo again and again.
I wish the pain in my chest would go away, but although my heart aches, I know I’m better off this way.
So when you go,
I know you won’t say goodbye,
you’ll just shut the door and turn out the light.
So just go, just go,
I know you’re wastin my time.

Goodnight starlight
Bring my dreams closer through your depth of night.
Shroud me in your shadows and bring peace upon my conscience
Lay me to sleep with the crickets songs so constant
Echoing scenes dance before me
Really of what really means all the more to me.
The figment red battles of my complex curiosities
Never to be spoken and only felt within,  
To never have the daylight courage to act upon a whim
But lucidly the barriers are broken and so ****** myself into them do I,
For tonight,
in my mind,
Soon then they come to life.
My dizzying vehemence leads me down a corridor, o’ wanderlust,
Minds eye to explore, always searching to know more and more
About myself, my subconscious desires,
Emotions set a flame, a giant roaring fire.
Minutes feel like eternity,
In a world of abstract autonomy,
Down the rabbit hole, over the moon,
Back through the green pastures,
Deep into the woods.
Come across a fiddle and a laughing pooch.
Oh what nonsense this dream has overtook
I’m stirring in my bed,
most never really do make sense,
The tone then changes and the dish ran away,
Some other entity emotions have come out to play.
Before I can greet them and ask for their motive
Daylight comes through and glistens o’er them.
A new day to start and with no recollection
Of the hallucinations that guided me away and away and away.
Tonight I’ll dream deeper to meet those entities,
Decipher what they’re meaning and what they mean to me.

Who are you and why? 

And why do you like to pry? 

Your way into those helpless and vulnerable.

Remember those rolling hills we once stood above, now mudslides of regret and lost hope for what once was. 

You’re a wreck.
But now I am too.. all special thanks to you.

They say opposites attract, but then again, I guess that was never actually fact.

I’m a soft rubber ball that bounces away from the bad, and you’re a sharp pin pricking those who come close and it’s sad.

Those gentle souls you desecrated out of your own will to manipulate. 
May they be in the back of your mind always, to torture you while you contemplate. 

I hope some day regret washes over you, as your ego dies and you become whole again, new.

Then, maybe you’d be incapable of inflicting pain on those who hoped to love you, and finally stop causing chaos and spread love in lieu.

I love to watch how the blades of grass, dance with the wind and tickle our calves,
   February days like these, where the skies at around 5 in the eve,
Start to look like watercolor paintings, of the best hues of pinks and blues, are but simply amazing.
   With our hearts in tow, we reach the peak and take in the vastness of the land and lifelines before us.
   Stretching for miles, we imagine ourselves, on these rolling hills, that is is our Kingdom and we stand mighty above it.
   Soaking in the beams of translucent gold that cascade from the edges of the clouds and shower us in their warmth.
   The feeling of the sun's rays seeping into our pores, made me wish we were rooted into the crust beneath us, like the flowers we had just been aquainted with moments before.
   As the sun sets, it changes the reflects in your eyes from what was a brilliant amber, to a smooth medium roast, just like the coffee you drink.
Your soft caramel tufts fall freely with no direction upon your forehead.
   It's days like these, on these rolling hills, that demand my attention.
It's the smiles, and the laughs that we share, that remind me why it's so, okay, to feel.

It’s 8 o’clock, and I just felt the day,
Pick up so swiftly, drift gently away.
It’s pushing and shoving straight on, past my face.
I’m dizzied and dazed contemplating my name.
Ohhhooowooaaahoooohoooh
Contemplating my name ~
It’s 9 o’clock, and I’m in the city on foot.
Got nowhere to go,
No one expectin me, too’
Find myself in the gutter,
Where there I mutter,
Ohhhooowooaaahoooohoooh
“What’s the real point of all this?”
Born just to die
For what? Who is this “I”?”
Oh “Buddha” brother, so what’s the name of our “mother?”
I ain’t got no religion,
But we’re all “one” that’s the vision.
A culmination of spirit,
Lost in a haze half transparent,
The mass lull on the back of these meaningless religions.
Ohhhooowooaaahoooohoooh
What is your name? ~
Paradiso? Inferno?
Which is your claim?
Just gotta wait until they put up your stake.
Ohhhooowooaaahoooohoooh
It’s now 10 o’clock so I pick myself up,
and trudge on back home,
I’ve got mud in my shoes and in my hair too.
Another night out being reckless, a fool
And well Ohhhooowooaaahoooohoooh
“what else is there to do?”
Because in all of these seconds of meaningless expression,
The gutter it listens and the sky smiles back.
A silver sliver so sly and direct
I just checked the clock it’s midnight exact.
Made it home, rest gently to bed.
We all gotta die, just don’t tell me when.

Well what if I don’t want to live?
I’m tired of being here, it’s all *******.
I know people love me,
But I just can’t take this heart beat.
I’d rather feel nothing,
See nothing,
Be nothing.
Does this make me weak?
To no longer want to exist?
It doesn’t matter in the end,
That’s a fact no one can dispute.
This time that passes that measures our successes,
What if I don’t want to succeed
Because I don’t even want to just, be?
I’d rather feel nothing
See nothing
Be nothing
Just matter dissipating into another form of something.
But where I don’t breathe or think or feel
Where I’m just again one with the universe
A longing I wish to fulfill
I won’t **** myself but I want to be dead.
I don’t care about happiness,
I’d rather not be here.
Feel nothing
See nothing
Be nothing.