The summer in Texas took everything it could from me -- my confidence, my soul, and all the sweat my body could produce.
But it also showed me happiness.
It showed me lake days and laughter, drinking in the sand with my best friend, and searching for alligators in a swamp.
It showed me that sometimes you need to go to Louisiana and gamble until 3 am then drive three hours back home.
Reminiscing about your youth and making new inside jokes to talk about later.
The summer in Texas showed me good food and country music is something I didn't know I was missing from my life.
Showed me dancing on rooftops and art all over downtown Dallas and in Austin too.
This was a year I will never forget-- dreaming of new beginnings and spending a year with my best friend just being twenty something year old for the first time in our life.
A year spent remembering who we are and trying to grow instead of putting ourselves down.
There were nightmares about you and then there were dreams that made me cry with joy.
You had the most perfect smile.
You had the most perfect net to catch me in.
There were memories flooding my brain every night and then there was the moment I thought I could swim to the top of them only to drown.
You were making it hard to breathe.
You were making it hard to let you go.
I wanted so badly to run to the other side of the country and demand that you hashed things out with me.
I wanted to use a couple plays from your book of tricks but I knew that my plays would be flawed and we would lose the game.
My friends told me I was too angry to start discussing things right now.
My friends told me I was too impulsive and maybe they were right.
But, baby, love makes you do crazy things.
And, baby, I am crazy about you.
Stood at the top of this interstate highway thinking... I need to scream.
I need to let the world know I am going to get there.
I need to let you know you have no control.
I needed to escape my control.
I didn't know I needed to get to this point until the cars below me were going 100 miles per hour and I was standing above the moving lights.
Stood at the top of this mountain and I looked down at the valley below thinking... I need to cry.
I need to cry for myself and the girl I wanted to be.
I need to cry for you... and how you left.
I need to cry for everyone else to know that things are going to get better.
I didn't know I needed to get to this point until the sweat was dripping from my forehead and I was breathing in the fresh air around me.
Stood at the foot of my bed staring at the rumpled sheets from last nights conquest thinking... I have to ******* stop.
I have to stop trying to run from the pain in every body that finds me attractive.
I have to stop trying to substitute *** for love because I am almost sick of them both equally.
I have to stop putting myself down.
I didn't know I needed to get this point until I was laying in bed with a man I didn't care to even get to know.
I can handle the impossible- the scary, the dark, and the loneliness that makes you feel consumed in every room.
I can handle the feeling of never being good enough, the never understanding everything, and the anxiety.
I cannot handle the unknown- the do you still love me? the do you still think about me? the questions that never have answers no matter how much you want them.
I've been swimming up the current and swallowing all the water that threatens to drown me.
I have been running uphill screaming at the top of my lungs, gasping for that breath that will calm my heart down a little bit.
I have been trying so ******* hard and you are still hiding in the corners of my brain that shouldn't have corners.
I can handle the impossible and the anxiety... but I need to know if you love me still.
Tell me how it feels when you slide into bed at night knowing you lied to everyone you've ever loved?
Tell me does it hurt when your mom is overly religious and you believe she is insane?
Tell me does it hurt when your dad is too zoned out in old war movies to even notice you're crying in the corner?
I've never dealt with your pain.
My family was open and honest and accepting of who I was and wanted too be.
I've never dealt with your pain of finding something, anything, to get you through the day without the inside of your head screaming at you.
But, I have dealt with the sadness.
I have dealt with the anxiety of not being good enough.
So I say to you, you are not alone.
And when the sun shines but all you see is grey and sadness; I will be there for you.
Keep putting on a good front, let the world see that gleaming, brilliant smile you wear so well.
Let the laughter pour out like the drinks that keep sliding towards you on that bar.
Please, continue to be the class clown, make them laugh, make them wonder how you're oh, so, cool.
You put on a good front, babe.
You sure made them believe.
You put on a perfect smile, babe.
You sure let them wonder.
But I know you better then they do.
I know that smile hides sadness and fear of never being perfect.
I know those eyes hide hate for yourself and where you're at in life.
So, go ahead babe, put on that smile you wear so well.
Please let them see you laughing because god forbid they see you cry.
Continue being the confident one because we know the rest of us need a little more help.
Just remember the next time you talk about me, you're just as afraid of failing as I am.
that the one man to tell me he loved my body
was the one man
who was the worst for me.
that the one man I wanted to give my heart too
decided destroying it was easier
then loving it.
that the one man who dedicates songs and poems to me
is the one man
who I can't seem to fall in love with.
that the girl who needs me to love her
is the one person
I can't seem to find love for.