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People take photos
Of random body parts and
Send them to
People they know or
People they don't.
I took a photo of my *******
In the mirror
To see if I would then have to battle
A sudden urge to tweet them to
The world and his wife,
But they became '****'
in isolation
They were easy to delete.
He was the only man who I knew could gaze on me naked forever
And never stop wanting me.
I bewitched him
And I believed him, believed this;
That I could mesmerise another.
This he gave me,
Belief in my beauty.
The chance to see through his eyes;
Someone amazing,
Someone who shines.

I wish I could tell him how he enriched me
With confidence, pleasure, such moments of joy.
He introduced me to my bodies longings,
For months I could think of nothing but him
A thunderstorm of lust from dawn 'til dusk.
I wouldn't change it,
I wouldn't go back,
Not even now,
He gave me
Something I had never had,
May never have again.

In time I may realise
That he has given me other things;
The strength to forgive myself,
The tendency to be less judgemental of others,
The ability to embrace contentment, and calm.
I don't have those things yet,
It is all too raw
And I'm still dazed, and disbelieving,
Self-forgiveness is a long way down the line, but...
Everything teaches us something,
I am willing to learn.
Love glove dove
Shove
It up your
Neverending
Kiss
Hole whole
Oh, divine
You're mine, mine, mine
The air is sweet
And sweaty feet
have walked me here, we meet
And greet
With outstretched wings
And other random things
That may, or may not rhyme
You'll understand, in time.
Hmmmmm. Go to bed.
She is utterly, sluttily delicious,
Spectacular, actually.
Her mind is ****.
What trips from her tongue
Is a reverse feast for all who care to listen.

Tragically, too few do.
I have nothing to say about anything important,
Being wholly preoccupied with my own little dramas.
So I'll do what I do whenever it all feels overwhelming,
I'll look up at the stars.
I am insignificant.
All is so much nothing.
This is what they teach me,
And it comforts me.
The realisation of my own inconsequence
Gives me perspective.
Maybe there are other beings out there, somewhere,
Doing better than we are at living,
Making more out of existence.
Or maybe they too are looking out
And dreaming of us,
Wondering what it all means.
Painful, purple, bruised
A turbulent sky groans, weeps,
Empties and renews.
I am fragile
as the pulse that beats
Visibly
here at my wrist.
I am strong
as this resolute
Proud
steady fist.
When you fixated on parts of me
You reduced me to those things.
I loved you,
So I swallowed the hurt,
And I swallowed the sad,
And I gave you everything that I had.
I became what you wanted,
I sliced off those body parts
And sent them to you, reluctantly, at first
But a starving dog will beg for a bone;
When I saw that was all that I could hope for
I let you cut me up.
I sent you segments of me.
But the one part that you never asked for
Wept and wept, waiting for your love
Waiting, in vain, crying, in pain.
The sun roars, golden
Lion waking from long sleep,
Winter is his prey.
Nectar-drugged bees throb and buzz
A dizzying, delicious hum.
A choral swell accompanies the growing surge
I, the conductor, back and forth, back and forth with my baton,
Deftly delivering a rousing, rhythmic performance,
The ******, an oh, oh!
Crescendo
In the fuzzy haze of long and lonely, sunkissed days
I want you so, so much.
We have what we have,
I treasure every moment,
I will never ask for more.

But...I am thinking of you,
Walking slowly through a dappled glade
Thinking of me,
Beside a rippling stream,
Swirling currents, mirroring divergent thoughts and needs.

I wish I were walking beside you,
Would you hold me
Amongst the softly swaying trees,
The nectar drugged bees a choral swell
Accompanying a long and languid kiss?

Let me be the girl you dream of,
The one you glimpse sometimes,
Shimmering in the sun.
Smile when you see me,
Smile, and sigh, my love,
For there is nothing more.
Our dreams are all we have
Maybe, all we ever will.
Summer drops warm rain,
Sultry breeze singing your name.
I am wet and hot.
I’m feeling a little sunken,
Lurking here at the bottom of the
Ocean wallowing here in my
Muddy slime-filled pit.

Feeling rather lumpen,
Stodgy, awkwardly unblended, I remind myself
Of things unstirred, of things
That cause the upper lip to rise above the teeth.

I have formed a second skin, like congealing coffee,
Overheated, I am clammy, and I wish to shed.
Scrub me, I am just dead skin,
I am something to slough off, discard, and rinse.
Waves crash over me
The sea surges, ecstasy
Drowned in dark desires.
Your kiss was a blade
Slicing through my tender flesh
Carving up my heart.
Take me to a still black lake
In a nowhere place.

Love, love...
Lay me in the sweet soft grass
And we will watch the moon.

We will watch as she dances
with the vast, dark depths,
We'll shiver at the ripples on the surface of the shine
And spill ourselves into the endless deep
Chasing her until we both
Can sleep
Can sleep
Can sleep.
Tiny Nutcracker
Back into the box with you
Until next year - sleep.
I kissed my lover here,
Sandwiched between the smells and the sells;
Turkish delight and baklava,
Over ripening fruit,
Roast, moist meats in sourdough,
And him, heady, ready and in my spell.

So excited, we both were,
To be kissing, at last,
Surrounded by delicious.
All these succulent wonders,
But I wanted to eat him,
Eat him, with my eyes, my mouth,
Savour every moment
Every morsel, while I could.

Lost to me now, my Prince of Feasts,
Do you ever wander, among the fruits and flowers,
Hoping for a glimpse of me?
Do the scents and sounds evoke
The ghosts of us, kissing?
They do, for me, every time.
I close my eyes, and salivate,
Longing to devour you again.
I first tried an oyster at a seafood bar in Melbourne,
and it jarred in that far-away place.
Oysters, so intimate, were meant to find me at home,
And they did.
In the crowds of Borough Market,
A barnacled Titan plunged his pickled hand into ice-water,
And presented me with a real beauty;
Lustrous, mother of pearl shell,  
And at the centre,
A sea-fairy, glittering,
Living, existing for consumption.
A tickle of tabasco, and down he went,
An ocean in my mouth.
I could have been a mermaid
at Neptune’s banquet;
So briny and life-giving,
My mollusc revelation.

An image for you;
A man and a woman, very much in love
Feast on two dozen at an oyster and porter house,
also at the market.
Glowing in the light of a dripping white candle,
They sit at the corner of the counter,
A perfect white wine clinking in their glasses.
Two years ago, an anniversary oyster-fest,
Look how happy we are…
This is the best table in the house.
Now, if we returned,
We might complain about people pushing past,
And the arrogant city-types, drunk and dropping crab shells,
But…That night, it was just us, though busy, it might have been deserted,
Our eyes and the slide of the oysters down our eager throats
Made promises, later to be kept.
Time terminates all inner truths.
Years will pass, we are the hare,
And time is the tortoise.
We will wake, from this delightful dream, and find ourselves
Excluded from the final prize.
Down your pens now, poets, live, live, live!
Take risks, love freely, be daring, try sharing,
Be the hare, but be aware,
You’ll look around one day and there’ll be nothing there;
Up in front, a smiling beast in a shell
Will watch you crumple, overtaken,
Speed is futile,
It’s the journey that counts.
Lots of hands
Reaching out and touching me,
Tentatively.
Lots of minds
Sending little poem probes
Deep into my own.
It's Saturday night.
I have a sore throat,
A cup of tea,
Hello Poetry,
There's nowhere else I'd rather be.
I see your teeth
In the dark
Silently gnashing,
Grinding and clashing.

Bone
Bleached white
In sunlight
Scarred by teeth -
You bit down hard
You tore through flesh

You took your meal
Washed down with tears, with grief.
Here’s a locked box of anagram shazam
(Don’t open it
The crazies might come out)
There’s a sealed sack of angsty crank-clanks
Take it, go away
I’m simply not myself today
**! Yes, it’s true
I am sinking sads for you
Letting drinkies drown
My Anger Banger frown
Cryptic? Klik-kwik, and no, no
I was never there
Avaunt, begone, beware
I love words
Thank you for the lesson
your betrayal will teach me.

Thank you for the strength
I will unearth to rise above
Your selfish, sordid act.

Thank you for the reminder
Of my naivety,
And the restraint I will now exercise
In order to keep myself safe.

Thank you for my penance
And redemption,
Is karma paid in full, now?
Or, is there more to come?
There is a fascinating woman in my life
She captivates me.
Flashing eyes, allure
Burnt sugar smell
And open wanton ways.

Magnetism.

I have never felt the tug so strongly
And in that place.
She moves her body
And creates a tsunami
Flames and waves of want.

I watch her from afar
And long to ask her how she feels
Even though,
I already know.
You would never make me happy.
But sometimes I long to abandon all,
In sadness, fall
To melancholy pleasure
Forever.

I should have
What I deserve
Shouldn't I?
If enough tears leak past them,
The eyes lose their temper, and either bar the floodgates completely
Or throw them wide apart
Allowing all the migrants through.

If you allow a hurt to harm your heart,
It sends you a warning,
Arrhythmia, inducing anxiety
angrily - it cannot take too much.

If you refuse to feed, or water it,
Your body will turn on you,
Weakness, cramps and spasms
Fainting, sweating, pallor, shakes.

Your body does not care about your broken soul.
It's selfish, and wants to be nurtured, and loved,
So love it, there is no-one else to do it,
And if you let it rebel, you will have lost another
More precious than the first.
The space between us is charged with love's demands.
We build bridges
That exist within.
When the time is right
We will cross to the centre
And collide.

Fission or Fusion?

We must touch, we mustn't touch.
I can touch you, touch you
In a place that isn't here;
Just because we do not come together
Doesn't mean this isn't also
Tangible, physical, and real.

Physical. Ethereal

The body is the mind
Flesh and thoughts entwined.
You are in my very self, I hide you there
At the centre
The very vulnerable centre
Of everything I am.
It is becoming harder to find people who refuse to be cowed by fear, and made to hate.

Our borders are a circus sideshow; we sit in increasingly uncomfortable pews and watch the sad, desperate clowns beg for some of our popcorn, and the chance to sit down and rest, for just a little while. We don’t want the popcorn; we want hotdogs and french fries but it all costs too much these days, and that’s their fault too.

Build more fences, send more dogs.

Children scream as their ears bleed but they aren’t ours, they aren’t anywhere near ours. They aren’t anything to do with us and it isn’t our fault or our problem. A young boy washes in the sea closer to home. The salt stings and his body starves and he’s the ultimate unwanted. He wants to return to a home that will hurt him even more, and to a family returned to the earth. Blame the French. Blame the Greeks. Blame the Muslims and the Syrians, the swarming, stinking hordes.

So come to the circus, and bring your kids, 3000 crying clowns, all walking the tightrope without a net. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. The horses have bolted and the dancing girls have all been sliced in two. The ringmaster never drops his whip. He sits in the centre and laughs, and laughs, and laughs.
I always held you at arms length
I now know why.
It seems that all along
An invisible cord stretched between us
I had to keep it loose -
Taut, it pulls at me and hurts
It threatens to snap
And then I'd fall.

All around and everywhere
Are people wanting people
Who are even more than forbidden.
Not to act
Is expected, but underneath
We know what happens
And accept.

Shall I pull on the cord?
I could cut it with my teeth
But what if it's a shining wire?
It will catch on my tongue
And make me bleed.

Perhaps instead
I'll tenderly unravel,
Strand by strand
Our parting will be gentle
Our lives remain intact.
These invisible cords are commonplace
They don't just disappear.
His name was David.
I sat next to him in primary school.
He wasn't like the other boys, he had an accent, was sarcastic, really funny;
We laughed together all the time, I thought of him at night in bed.
I remember freckles, and a giant smile,
He moved to America, and I missed him terribly,
Thought I was in love.

I was fifteen and he was twenty-nine.
I wrote his name in schoolbooks, spent hours making mixtapes,
Wrote an overblown and sentimental poem
Which I later showed him, covered my eyes
As he read it; he let me down gently,
I was awkward and chubby but probably endearing,
And it's always nice to be adored.
I didn't mind ego-stroking,
I'd tried no other sorts of stroking, back then.
*** wasn't on my agenda, I don't think I even felt a stirring down below.
Was I a late starter?
Let me know.

He was gay. Well and truly gay.
And he practised flirtation on me.
Theatre school was where I found myself, and blossomed,
We indulged in drama together,
And there was lust, finally;
He made my body boil and churn.
Licked my neck as he walked past me to tap practice:
I melted. A friend, dear friend, my **** gay friend.
I wanted, really wanted a man for the first time,
Did he want me, even a little? Or was it all theatricals for him?
I haven't seen him for years, but I found him on Facebook,
Maybe I should ask?

Tom was a philanderer,
Lived with him and two other girls at university;
He got one pregnant, dated the other,
Secretly had **** fun with me.
I'm not proud, I betrayed a friend for my body's demands,
And not for the last time.
But I was insane for that funny little man.
Now I remember unwashed hair and drunken despair,
Now I remember what destroyed me, for a while.
I should have learned my lesson.
She's still a friend; she still doesn't know.

Andy adored me for months
And I was fully aware, found it thrilling,
But didn't feel the same, I was settled.
He was welsh, weathered and wonderful.
He crushed then got over me,
And suddenly I was smitten.
Agonised for two years, then I was over him.
We're still friends, it is possible
To keep them in your lives,
It is possible to move on,
To have something different together,
To be somewhere inbetween lovers and friends.

I reread those last five lines,
And wish I could apply them to the last man on my list.
Feelings came out of the blue, grasped me roughly
And stole me away from my life, from happiness, from calm contentment.
Intimacy of our era;
Messages in the dead of the night,
Stolen kisses, dark despair.
I. Have. Never. Wanted. Anybody. More.
I'm not over him.
But it's just another crush, right?
it's just another crush?
It will not be enough, it will never be enough.
Like that first time ******* high
We seek again, and again, and again.

Each day we die a little
More, more, more.
We crave, we rage, we cannot disengage.

This febrile fever betrays our terminal condition.
The world has caught something
For which there is no cure.
Inspired by 'Sick to Death' by Sjr1000.
I have you, ******* and helpless
Shackled and defiant,
In a prison of my darkest, most determined dreams.
There is not the slightest chance of escape,
Beautiful boy,
And the more you struggle,
The more I chuckle.
Are you missing your princess?
I'm sorry, she choked on an apple
I had made, specially for her, from ground glass.
I like to see you livid, and resistant,
Pull, and scream, and curse me,
Then fall silent, and
give in **** you, give in to me,
You know that you'll get everything you want
Everything you ever dreamed of,
Just not your freedom, never that,
You're mine,
You have to learn it,
I will enjoy teaching you,
It's time for your first lesson.
The first time we make love
I will die.
Do not be afraid.
It is a death borne of joy.

I move into the future
And feel the press of your skin,
Hear your urgent moans,
A heartbeat before you enter me
And I expire.

I cease to exist, and am reborn in you,
A child of us,
Birthed into a new space,
Welcome, welcome, welcome home.
A lifetime ago
On a mountain covered with snow
An empty ski-lift swinging overhead
He deflowered her.
The crazy pumping of their hips
Synchronized to the clanking of the empty chairs,
Around, around, around again,
Slot machines pumping
diamonds and aces and crowns, three in a row, jackpot,
Hearts bursting, snow gathering, pooling, cooling warm places
Undetected, overtaken by other sensation
Processing, processing everything felt
Blood mingled with melted snow
On a mountain
A lifetime ago.
Nothing has changed, nothing will, not this way.
I am a poor fool, bound to you
And begging, on my knees, for every scrap you toss my way.
Reconnection leads to reinfection,
I am a sad fool,
A mad fool, to risk again, all that I have.
And yet, as you reach out…I am lost,
Clinging to virtual words, dreaming of a world that’s gone,
Trying to glue together something shattered
Wishing for time reversal, praying for a miracle
To salvage my remembrance of a desperate year.
I still don't know what to do,
So I do nothing
For another evening.
Waiting for the right moment
Is nothing more than cowardice.
I am too afraid that you will ignore me,
Or delete me,
So I do nothing,
Because while you are an option,
I could do something
While you are still there, connected,
I could be the one to reach out.
I want it to be you,
But know it won't be.
You have left the door open
Only to see if I will follow,
And if I do,
You will have won,
And may well slam it in my face.
And also...he doesn't care enough to want to rectify or reach out...to me or to anyone else.
Bitter truths sinking in, lessons learned, strength within.
When they buried me in the dark, I was frightened.
I didn’t like the taste of earth.
And I was so thirsty.
Some people are no good with plants,
Even the hardiest shrubs
Wither and wilt in their careless hands.
You aren’t one of them.
When no-one else could see,
You took such good care of me.
Water, warmth and love.
These are my needs, but I had no voice
With which to ask; without you
I would have remained inert
A lost life, in the dirt.
See now, how I blossom?
Just a shoot, but I will astound them all
With my beauty, in time.
Thank you for caring for me,
Thank you for helping me to grow.
For my Agent of Fortune, Paul M Chafer.
She was like the iron pyrite
The teacher asked them to examine, and describe;
Cold, dense and prickly,
Difficult to love.
Given the right light
And a gentle handling,
Oh, how she'd sparkle,
But in that place, expectations and sensory overload
rendered her lumpen, and resistant.
Removed from her books and her inner world - all she needed -
And placed in a maelstrom,
She was bewildered and forlorn.
Un-cooperative, they called her,
And the teachers loved the other gems instead,
Pretty little nuggets; Ruby, Jasper, Jade.

Two years of discouragement and dislike
And even the tentative sparkles had darkened.
The other gems enjoyed each other
And moved away from her magnetic pull,
sensing difference.
No outright meanness, not yet,
But hints were brewing, whispers had started
And she wandered alone, in the playground,
Talking to the seagulls, and singing to herself.
The teachers only wanted conformity
And called her parents to voice concern
about her lack of friends.
Had they asked her, allowed her to have a say
She would have told them it didn't matter
But they were determined that it did, to them, if not to her,
And her parents were added to the burden of people
Worried and disappointed, watching.
She knew now, she was different, she had always known but never minded,
Now it was a problem. She didn't fit,
Like that scratchy purple uniform, around her chubby waist
Food didn't judge, dislike or condemn.

That life ended, and a new struggle, in a new school, began.
This was harder; the meanness was apparent now,
Difference wasn't tolerated
And someone wandering alone was a target.
She found a place to hide, behind a staircase, with a book,
But they found her, removed her and patrolled her only refuge
Forcing her to submit to the torture.
Every day was a war zone,
So she found another way, and embraced ill-health, stealthily
Spraying deodorant directly into her own face
induced asthma attacks; and not all those  ear infections were real,
She was an accomplished actress.

She got through it, millions do.
She found her own place, her own friends in her own time.
Among Onyx, Jet and Tigers Eye
Her darkness didn't mark her out as different,
And all that fake illness
Was great prep for theatre,
Where she was able to return to her inner world,
And no-one cared if you feigned madness
Or embraced the real thing.
Difference was celebrated,
The whispers now, were that she had a great stage presence,
And a talent to be nurtured,
Not a difference to be despised.
Sad me is heavy,
Saturated with toxic teardrops,
Soaked and weighted down,
Falling,
Falling,
Falling to the ground
To sink into the Earth's crust
Spreading, embedding,
Becoming mud.

Sad me is a solid mass
Of rippling, crippling grief,
Lumpen iron, Raw ore
Bleeding,
Bleeding,
Leeched by circumstance,
Scarred by consequence,
Dreaming, screaming,
Remembering love.
I am enjoying
This knot in my stomach
It's an improvement on the nausea.

My hands are shaking
And my voice is tremulous
For all the right reasons.

When I walk into that room
They won't see a broken, soul-sick shell,
But a warrior woman,
Everything they're looking for,
It can't go wrong.

I am an accomplished actress.
I will woo.
They will fall in love with a creation of my making,
And if I will her into existence,
Believe in her,
Maybe she'll accompany me home
And I can keep her for a little longer
To help me woo the world?
It went very well. :-)
She counts the moments
In sighs and shudders
And sings his wonders in the wide and wanting spaces
At the centre of her soul.

She loses herself
In the world between the words
And hides his shy confessions
In the shadow of her secret self.
I sat in your car,
Mentally preparing to return home, to try to save my marriage.
You made a fist with the hand that gripped the steering wheel
And lightly punched me on the upper thigh, twice.
"Good Luck" you said.
And I wanted to **** you.
I got out of the car, and walked away, without looking back.
September, those first Autumn mornings arrive,
The ones that bring to mind bonfires,
And make us want to shop for coats.
Things are darker, somehow
Even though the sun still shines,
The yellow is muted
And our skin remembers goosebumps.

October is inescapable.
Implacable. Winter is coming.
Mornings are uncomfortable;
Sly frosts make us slip.
For supper; soup or sausages,
Children wait for Halloween
Eager for costumes, and candy.

November is noisy
Fire, bangs, and squeals.
The promise of Christmas;
Puddings are made, and stored
We snuggle into scarves
And hurry everywhere, seeking warmth and light.

December is all colours and music and closing the year,
Excess is expected.
It’s hard, for some who need to escape,
There is no refuge from the festive,
It is both dark, and bright,
A month to hide, or emerge.

January is white-blue
And feels like being underwater.
There’s a melancholy,
Dreamlike feel.
The year is born
And shell-shocked, waiting to begin.
I found a perfect peach
And let my greed engulf me
Ate it dripping summers' blood
It tasted of life, and glowed
Like a miniature sun.
I drowned in the juice
And for less than a minute
It was my universe.
When I came to the heart of the thing
That stern unyielding stone
I nearly wept that it was over
Although there were others in the bowl
None were at that perfect moment
And never would be.
They were as hard as rocks
Or soft, but slightly weathered, starting to fur
The juice not quite ****, not quite sweet, not quite right
I don't think I will ever find another perfect fruit
I don't think I will try.
He has brutalised your beauty
And made you fragile.
Tears tremble on cobalt lashes
Bruised, bewildered
Goddess fallen,
Breaking as you fell.
You sought and brought happiness, warmth and abundance,
But lived, it seemed, a life of anything but.
Now facing a vindictive rage
You must remain stoic.
Your mythical namesake
Found no comfort or pleasure in retaliation, or revenge.
He is incapable of love
And will never back down.
You will need to find the strength to match
His angry bile with wile and guile
His iciness with fire,
Remorseful honesty shows him
A cold, and bitter liar.
I'm scared, so scared, of something indefinable.
    I need you to hold me, but
I won't ever ask.

I understand the power of a spoken dream,
   A hidden longing dragged from the shadows
  To dissolve in the light.

            Tonight

I am lonely, I am hurting,
   Raked by Never's scabrous fingers,
Hungering for hope.

If I begged you, would you, could you, come?
   Spirited before me by the strength of my need?
No matter; sleep, our restless tossings
  are well earned, this is a just and righteous anguish.

We, I, you, we,
    Recognise the power of a lost, unspoken dream.
Don't underestimate the power of lust.
It can unmake you
Unmask you
Bury good intentions in a landslide of overwhelming want.
You switch from sister to *****,
Disregarding friendship, family,
Faith, hope, happiness,
None are a match for the dopamine high.
Now you're on a slippery *****,
A path to disaster,
Tumbling faster,
Losing rationality, perspective, judgement, humanity,
Succumbing to the hungry beast within.
You will resist, you may think you have it sussed,
But lust will always win.
Sunbeams reach through the window
Touching me, tentatively,
Raising gooseflesh, waking desire.
Dormant nevermore,
I am a Summerchild,
Opening up to the promise of the light.
Banish deathwatch Winter
Gift me the Spring like a flower in bud
To slowly open, as the days grow longer,
And the memories of darkness fade
with long forgotten grief
abandoned, left to drown
Amidst the January floods.
There you are, snapping me open,
I'm broken again.

Scatter me in pieces.

I hope that as I lie there, shattered
Something will seep or weep from each.

Now, reassemble.

Recreate a whole me
From these fragmented parts.

I will walk away, purged.
I'll leave you with those wretched remnants

Leave you with my hearts' garbage,
Clean it up, finish the task.
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