I don't know why tonight was so bad
I was doing fine, save for a few bumps in the road
Loneliness hadn't visited me in a long time
But now I'm siting in the garden with her at 2am
And she's watching me break

I've always been happy to be alone
But I hate being lonely
And it feels pathetic
And it feels humiliating
But right now all I can think about are the stars and the salt on my lips
Everything else is long gone

I've been crying again but don't worry, I’ve been trying to understand myself and my sexuality since I was young, i came out as bi just to see if the label fit but it feels too controlling and the box gets a bit smaller each time I say the word, I’ve lied to friends about hook ups that never happened and have pretended to enjoy kinks for people I'll never meet in real life. I feel a disconnect to who I'm trying to be and I don't know if I'm scared of accepting myself or if I'm scared of someone getting too close for me to learn it hurts. How do I explain to my friends that I don't understand when they complain about not being with someone for a few weeks when it's been years and how do I know when I'm telling myself the truth and when I'm picking another label, I need someone to tell me what to do but there's no one to ask so I'll keep going until I understand.

How easy it is to fall into bad company

Misery is like getting into a hot bath after standing in the rain , the heat soothing bones and setting skin aflame

Loneliness, like a familiar face in a crowd, greeting you with an outstretched hand and a smile

The tiredness is a long car journey, the destination known but not unwelcome

Lately she's been having these thoughts,
These feelings and emotions building,
Uncontrollable and unwarranted they stack,
So strong, they stand tall and unyielding.

Despite her best efforts to reign it in,
Her anger breaks through the wall,
Rearing up blindly like a frightened colt,
Unjustly snapping at those who fall.

And the green eyed monster wants to play,
After being locked up for so long,
The bonds people have while it sits there alone,
Makes the feelings she feels unbearable strong.

As quickly as it came, the anger runs,
The jealousy turns coward as well,
The heat from the hate slowly dies down,
Until there's nothing left to tell.

Then, like a dam too pressured to hold,
The cracks of regret start to show,
Only when alone can the water break through,
Only when alone can the tears freely flow.

As the tears trail paths down her face,
Ad stain her cheeks with sorrow,
All her emotions drain from within,
Until at last she becomes hollow

My mind is like a clock
One that is maybe 4 minutes slow
(A good enough guess, I mean who really cares about 4 minutes?)
The hands are a bit wonky, pointing haphazardly at the number like its unsure
The numbers themselves are looking a bit rusty
But people know the basic layout of a clock
It's similar enough
It still makes the tick tock sound, albeit a quiet tick tock
One you'd have to strain to hear
But it's there, trust me
I am still useful
Someone will still need me
Someone will still choose me

It must be lonely among the stars
To burn so brightly but be so unrecognisable
So painfully dull
You're only beautiful when you're colliding with another
A masterpiece created out of ashes and atoms

I take a deep breath and slip under the water
There is no grace or elegance
No caution or concern for the waves created,
I breathe freely for the first time in what feels like weeks
The sweet sensation of burning in my lungs
(A reward for waiting so patiently)
I don’t think I’ll ever lose that initial panic at the suffocation,
The clawing at my throat a constant reminder of where I am,
But the deeper I sink
The easier it becomes to swim down
It is, I think, a beautiful contradiction
The longer I drown myself, the darker the murky depths I live in become
The more I crave this broken ecstasy I have created

My empathy and my apathy are interchangeable
Sometimes I care too much, I feel everyone’s pain and fear as strongly as my own, wearing their anger and sorrows in my shoulders
Sometimes I’m too numb to feel much of anything
Joy and laughter go through me as though mist, excitement is a foreign language that I do not understand and don’t care to understand

How can I cry when I've never been broken?
I've never experienced the hurt people who cry are supposed to feel, never tasted the toxin that people who cry are supposed to swim in
I have felt pressure but never really pain
I have felt trapped but never really alone
I feel guilty every time my chest constructs and attempts to crush my lungs, when my breathing sounds erratic even to my ears and I know
I know
I've done nothing to be worthy of the freedom crying can bring

How strange it is to be lonely, the unending ring of the ears that demands attention,the heavy silence and desperate breathing, the heat behind eyes, the shaking of a leg, the crack in a spoken word, the quiet of the night disturbed, the wet cheeks and wet hair

Being alone doesn’t always mean lonely but in loneliness you are alone

If we were stars then my dear you'd shine the brightest
You give off magnetic energy,
The type people can't help but gravitate towards
Each collision creates a supernova of colours and,
Oh, my dear, it truly is a beautiful sight
To watch you explode, causing a ripple effect that can be felt for miles
As you pull people in closer it's like they have no choice
You are chaos personified and nothing can escape your wake
I have long since given up trying

I have learnt to mask my insecurity as independence
Pretending to be content in my own skin
Too proud to beg for someone else’s affection
Confidence radiates from my walk; head held high and back straight
But the crick in my neck lingers
A consequence of pushing my shoulders too far back
No one needs to know I stumble every time I feel eyes on me

There are two roads astray
Both leading the same way
One is right, one is wrong
One is filled with light but the other doesn't belong
I assume I know which is right
It's obviously the one with light
But it leads me to the labyrinth that is my mind
I'm scared to death by what I find;
I see the battle going on within
Both sides fighting but neither will win
A few small words are all it takes
To save the lives and lower the stakes
To stop the battle before its begun
To prevent deaths caused by a sword or gun
To the outside world I show a neutral face
All sorrow vanishing without a trace
But inside my head lies a scattered mess
And no one to save the damsel in distress
Prince Charming is fighting in the war
Not knowing who he's fighting for
Until it finally comes to one a side
Both charging forward prepared to collide
The battlefield is no place for anyone...
So why do I stay still instead of run?

I curl around you as you breathe deeply
Our bodies becoming one while we sleep
Breathing in unison we are almost unrecognisable as separates

The sunlight streams in as I wake and I watch you for a second
The freckles across your face mesmerize me
I mentally join them together in a dot to dot pattern
Somehow every morning there's a new path to discover

I lay my head next to yours and smile softly
I don't sleep yet, I want to hold onto this moment
I am in love with you and quite possibly the happiest I have ever been

Once upon a time there was a little girl
Who understood the world far more than she should have
Who observed too much to be fooled by false pretences
As she grew her knowledge expanded like the roots of a ****
Her sympathy twisted like Ivy
She walked with her shoulders back and her head held high
Steele gaze hardened through years of learning the dangers of vulnerability
They cannot harm you if you have no weaknesses little girl

I am painfully aware that under this roof I have the most privilege

I do not have diagnosed depression like my father

I do not have to keep a family afloat like my mother

So how selfish it is of me to complain

When you witness the breakdown of another, you learn to accept your own destruction just to keep the peace

My fingertips are littered with crescent indents
Some are shallow and will fade soon
Others have split to reveal the stars within my hands
Leaving scars that healed quicker than their making

When the morning comes, I will look back at myself and pity

I am 20 and having a bad day
I'm in my bed with the covers pulled high
Too strung up to breath
I can't scream into my pillow because of the neighbours
I can't cry too loudly because of my housemates
All I do is clutch the tightness in my chest and feel my face go red

Suddenly I am 12 and having a bad day
I hide my face into the pillow and hear my parents in the next room
I can't scream into my pillow because of my parents
I can't cry too loudly because of my brother
All I do is swallow the bubble in my throat and feel my tears dampen the pillow

I used to wish I had a reason to feel so sad.
Maybe a death in the family or a traumatic injury, morbid as it sounds.
A reason to feel scared, and lost, and all at once a child begging for someone else to takeover for a while.
Crying in the bath is such a cliche but when you're underwater no one can ask what's wrong and be disappointed by the answer.
I don’t have a good enough reason to be sad, I’m only 23 and have an entire life to live but I feel like this is gonna be it, and every week is another long week and every day drags like it will never end.
I feel like I should talk to someone but I’m not sad enough, or I’m not rich enough, or I’m not desperate enough.
People say life finds a way and that it will all sort itself out, but right now in this bath it’s just me and my fears so life can wait a while.

I was meant to be so much more than I am,
I have long since learnt my weaknesses but they have not changed
I haven't even tried to face them.
Plans were made for me which did not include me losing my mind,
My mental struggles were never part of the picture but here we are,
Standing so far from the edge I know logically I should be safe
Yet I feel like I'm already drowning.
Hard work has never scared me, and I'll gladly put in the time
I know I can work non-stop to reach the end goal,
But every time I pick up the pen my hand cramps and my vision blurs
And it does not stop until I do
But, plans have been made.
I can't wander from the path set else I'll lose it
And if don't have a path then I have nothing

My bed is no longer made up in the morning, instead I leave it rumpled and destroyed from the nightmares that visited me
My clothes are no longer folded neatly in the cupboard, instead they lay in the laundry basket which stands un-emptied for the third week running
My books are no longer standing proudly on the bookshelf, instead they are left on the floor with the corners folded and the spines broken
My body may not show any signs of illness but the symptoms of my sadness lay in plain sight

Repressing emotions is kinda my thing
See I don't have any artistic talent so painting a picture of my sadness would only cause more stress
I have a certain degree of athleticism but running when you want to cry is a losing battle (trust me)
Poetry helps distract for a few minutes but writing truth can make facing it harder
And talking? To people? About my sadness??? Don't be silly, my friends are awful at hiding both their pity and their boredom and neither one is welcome
And my parents would tell me to stop being over dramatic which is even more unwelcome
So yeah, I keep everything buried for as long as possible and when it emerges I say I'm tired and cry in the shower

I find it hard to describe the longing I feel when I think of what’s to come,
The feeling of space in my stomach, making room for future plans and goals.
Sometimes it’s exciting, the possibilities endless in their quest for satisfaction.
Sometimes it’s terrifying, the fear of wasting my ideas to a life of boredom and monotony.
There are so many things I want to do and so much time to do them, but what if I use the time unwisely and never get past writing a bucket list, what if my midnight dreams and sunrise hopes are only ever nice thoughts and the impractical mindset of the young?

I find it hard to describe the longing I feel when I think of what’s to come,
The feeling of space in my stomach, making room for future plans and goals.
Sometimes it’s exciting, the possibilities endless in their quest for satisfaction.
Sometimes it’s terrifying, the fear of wasting my ideas to a life of boredom and monotony.
There are so many things I want to do and so much time to do them, but what if I use the time unwisely and never get past writing a bucket list, what if my midnight dreams and sunrise hopes are only ever nice thoughts and the impractical mindset of the young?

You mistook her silence as fear,
That was your first mistake.
As you slithered up to her she could taste the cheap cologne in her mouth
Sticking to the back of her throat like jagged glass

You mistook her politeness as eagerness
Expertly trapping her between your body and the wall
She felt the room get hotter with every heavy breath you took
Her head turned to face the floor

She is not here for your amusement
How dare you make such assumptions on her space
Her spark is a joke to you, easily put out whenever you want

But when you mix a spark with enough fear
With anger so strong you can feel it ripple
Her forest fire spark will burn cities searching for you
To make you understand
This girl spits gasoline and will not be put out anymore

Is it cruel to bite back when my teeth are sharper,
When the skin is softer and the flesh is delicate
How can I be blamed for reacting this way,
This is all I've ever been taught
I have long since accepted that,
To not bite back is to accept the weakness crafted for you
And to not bite at all is to craft your own.
I do not fear death and that's the first thing you need to understand
It is also the hardest
Why would I fear the unquestionable ending to my story,
I may as well live for the rush of my own anger
The thrill I get from pain
Denying who I am only delays the inevitable,
Maliciousness is in my nature
Blood and venom flows through my veins
Everything I do follows one simple rule:
Bite first and bite hard
Because they won't be able to fight you with their throat ripped out

Loneliness is a quiet grief

Truth
Is forbidden in a land where
Men make money off a
Lie

Your eyes are lightning in the dark cold nights, illuminating the sky with electricity and excitement
Too blinded by your power I cannot see the havoc wreaked on land I once considered my home

How can I tell the people I love

That I’m scared of being average

That I’ll forever be stuck

It's exhausting
Feeling vulnerable and angry all the time
A walking contradiction that pushes and pulls at my chest
Am I too strong or too weak if I hurt myself?

The world blurs for just a moment
A breath held for too long
An unfamiliar tightness coils slowly
The colourless haze thick

My dreams make a mockery of sleep
Leading me into safety with an open hand and a childlike smile
It’s not till I wake later, anxious and scared, that I realise I’ve fallen for the trap once more

They say dreams reflect the subconscious
How a promising start can have a plot twist
And how it is possible to feel almost obnoxiously content in ignorance and blissfully unaware of the knife hiding in the shadows

They say dreams can predict the future
This scares me
What does it say about me that whatever I do, I will always feel deceived, always perceive a soft word and kind eyes as dangerous

I have been the 'mum friend' for as long as I can remember
Making the plans and giving honest yet kind advice
Settling disputes and taking responsibility for my friends mistakes
Taking care of them, protecting them

Then the other night we went out, girls night!!!
It was also my birthday, so I had a few too many shots
(And a few too many more)
And was sick
Nobody held my hair because they were all wrecked

I realised, knelt on the ***** club floor
Clutching onto a toilet lid like it was worth a fortune
That no one had even thought to look after me
It wasn't even a possibility that I might need help
I left the club alone, telling them that I was tired
No one offered to come with me to make sure I was safe

It might not sound like a big deal, girls do it all the time right?
Let a friend leave the club on a Saturday night alone
I got the usual 'I feel gross' morning text
I didn't bother replying
How long until they ask me how I got home?

I have never felt more worthless,
Than on days when you take my hand and you ask me what's wrong

Maybe it's because of the way your eyes glaze over.
Shifting to a spot slightly over my shoulder
One that I'm sure is filled with more beauty than you see in me
The sound of my voice becoming white noise
Making way for a symphony of colours within your mind

Maybe it's the way your shoulders slump slightly.
Trying to carry my weight is too much for you
Don't worry, I'll take it back when you're asleep later
I've gotten used to carrying enough for the both of us

Maybe it's the way your grip on my hand slacks.
Are you scared you'll break me if you hold me?
Are you scared I'll break you?

I've recently noticed a shift
It's like we're magnets, you gravitate upwards and you're always glowing
And I've learnt to hold my tongue

Misery is the cruellest friend
She climbs into bed with you and clings to you
Loyal to a fault she doesn't leave your side,
You will feel her cold fingers down your cheeks,
So rough and calloused they leave tracks in their wake.

Misery is Selfish
She hisses when people get too close to you
Too blind to see that her protection causes loneliness
Misery is angry
Crescent indents always appear on your palm
She doesn't mean to hurt you though, she just needs a distraction
Misery is hurt
She cries all the time,
Sometimes she screams.
You attempt to stitch the wound but can't find the tear,
There is no bone to straighten
No graze to bandage
Not even a bruise to sooth.

She's your best friend,
The only one you need in your life
So you hold her hand
Feel her jagged and uneven nails
And walk with her.