Maybe I got ahead of myself..
I fell asleep just now...
And I woke up and it was like you were right there..
In front of me..
Touching my lips with your fingertips.
Wiping a tear from my cheek.

I felt my body relax underneath your touch.
I felt my life's purpose come back into focus.
I saw us old and in rocking chairs.
Side by side, with lemonade in our glasses...

Your wrinkly hand in mine...

It was all right there..
Right there in front of me...
It was so real...

But it ended so fast..
Reality stripped me of a chance to  stay with you..
If only, it were in my dreams...
Even if it had been fake...
Seeing the blue of your eyes again..
Was like whiplash...
Jolting me back to life.
As if I'd been underwater this whole time and I had just come up for air...

All you ever wanted was a free ride.
I see that now...
All I ever wanted was your love.
You gave it all away to start a new life.
I guess what I could give wasn't enough.


You left me cold....

Lie awake at night.
Think about your life.
Is this the life you choose?
Always running, always hiding from the truth.
Will you ever be different?
I know I was only a game, and man, did you play me well.

It was all just a beautiful lie.
I was perfect in denial believing your feelings were real. That we were real.

How beautiful it was to believe all those moments that took my breath away were not real. How beautiful it was to believe you loved me. And most of all....How beautiful is reality when it all sinks in, that all this time I was being fed a beautiful lie.


Its time to erase this place painted with lies.
Erase all the pictures you painted of a love you said was real.
I'll be just fine.
I'll Hide behind an empty face.
I'll move away from this place.
I'll forget her face and the one you chose to take my place.

I'll move ahead, swift feet will carry.
Force distance and put miles in between us...

I know I'll forgive myself someday. When I can accept that none of what I felt or believed in was real. And on that day when my heart drifts back to you... Ill be able to forgive you too.....

Someday...

Happiness comes in many different forms..
In the company of good friends,
In the feeling you get when you make someone else happy.
Or maybe it's in the promise of hope renewed....

I keep telling myself...
It’s ok to be happy...
And I guess its because..
I never know how long my happiness will last...
××××××××××××××

Sometimes
pain becomes such a huge part of your life...
So huge in fact, that you just expect it to always be there...
because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t...

But then one day I felt something else...
Something that felt wrong only because it was so unfamiliar..
and it was in that moment
I..
Realized..
That...
I was...
Happy...

Wine at my lips I listen to KillSwitch.
My curse was your song to me.
I blare it so **** loud my ears begin to bleed.

The lyrics circle me.
They lift me off this ***** floor.
Bringing me back to our memories.
Back to where our hands bared that wedding band. Back to a home of intoxicating kisses and a passion others only dreamed of.
Back down to where I felt at home...

******* it,
Why did I have to listen to this song.

How I hate the word passion.
Everything it is...
It's awful sting...

It is the source of our finest moments.
The joy.
The love.
The clarity of hatred.
The ecstacy of grief.

Sometimes it hurts more than you can bear.
If I,
If we,
Could live without passion,
Maybe then we'd know some kind of peace...

But then again..
Without passion
I'd be..
We'd be..
Hollow empty shells..
Vacant empty rooms..
Locked away with nothingness.
Dark and dank...


Without passion...
I'd be...
We'd be..
Truly dead....


But then again..
Maybe I already am..

Keep looking, you're never going to find me in someone else.

Sorry I'm late.
I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes, of not being here.

When I hear this song..
I picture us cruising at midnight..
Windows down..
Nothing but midnight air..
That pushes back my hair..
Not a cloud in the sky..
Just you by my side..

All my emotions are bare..
In this midnight love affair..
Your all I've ever wanted..
And...
In this moment its like our hearts smile in agreement
As you reach for my hand..

I can't help but look over at you...
As that smile warms me from the inside...
My eyes wear my hearts reflection...
as they search yours...
Is this real?
I'll ask the heavens a million times..
But until then..
I'll just go on ahead and love you...
Until the end of time....

There are still nights that despite my greatest of efforts,
The memories of you sneak out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

Picture me..
Standing on a sandy beach..
Wind picks up my hair in a dance behind me...

Picture you..
Coming up behind me..
Wrapping those big arms around me..
Standing cheek to cheek...

Picture that...
Smile you love so much spread across my face..
Picture me snuggling my behind into you.


Picture this..
Seagulls, soaring above us..
waves crashing against rocks...

Picture...
the mist from the sea falling upon us...
Picture..
The sun setting..
Painting the sky with pinks and blues..
Dipping into the sea...
Letting night become new..

But don't forget to...
Picture me..
The girl that loves you..
And needs your love even if its just for this timeless moment..
Even if its just for a second..
On a sandy beach in Malibu..



Forever yours

Sometimes when I'm alone..
My heart likes to **** with my mind and play movie stills of nostalgic ******* I have no patience to entertain anymore.

Actually...
lately when this ******* occurs, I replace it with the hell my heart tends to forget.

Like bullet points...
Sometimes its phrases.
Sometimes its things you did that were absolutely ******.
Or on that rare occassion where I start to miss you...
I simply use the last words I heard from you and that seems to do the trick.

You remember dont you?


I was desperate and afraid of losing what we had... Because I still believed you loved me..
Isn't that hilarious?
and I most certainly loved you...
So I reached out to apologize, face to face and I'll never forget what you said to me...
It makes me laugh now, because its pure evil but its like a ****** up tattoo thats never going away...

"My girlfriend wouldnt appreciate us meeting up."

It killed me at the time...
But its hilarious now, because I was your wife...

But its okay, and finally...
So am I....

I stopped missing you...
I stopped wondering what you were doing...
If you were sorry.
If you missed me.


It took me so the **** long...
I mourned you like you were dead...
But now when someone speaks your name, or I hear your car outside my window...
I'm indifferent and I never understood the meaning of that word until.....


I repeatedly, repeated that small little phrase to myself.

Isn't that crazy?
that's all it took....

And like magic...

Surprise!!!!!
I don't ******* care.

Every tear that ever formed in my eyes...
Everytime I'd entertain a memory of you.
Everytime I'd hear your name and feel as if I'd gotten the wind kicked out of me.
Everytime I'd drop to my knees because I couldn't bare to live without you or what you had done to me...

It finally just stopped burning inside me...
There's nothing left for you here my dear.
No old photos to mourn.
No more desperation.
Its gone up in flames and i'll never burn for you again.

There are a million ways to die.
But only love can **** you and keep you alive, long enough for your insides to wither away slowly and then die.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true wasn't, and what you thought wasn't true was. Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality? Sometimes life is stranger than a dream, and the only way to wake up is to face what lies are hidden in your soul. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone.

I just wanted to know you.
Even in the tiniest of measures.
In the most innocent of ways.
I just wanted to know you.

You made me laugh.
You lit me up like all the stars in the sky.
And although it was brief, and even though you may think this is corny,
You woke me up.
I felt there, captured in a moment.
You made me laugh.
And I hadn't in months.
I was in a daze it was too much.
But you shook me right up, right out of my depression coma.
And that is simply why I had to know you.

How am I suppose to spend another Christmas without you?
Watch the snow fall gently without you?
Decorate a home filled with Christmas cheer without you?
Drink cider and make snicker Doodle cookies without you?

How am I supposed to enjoy my favorite time of year without you?

No mistletoe kisses.
No cuddles by candle light.
No seeing you in my onsie.
No holiday cheer.

I wrote Santa a letter this year...
Asking for something unobtainable..
It went unanswered...
Just as I figured.

So I'll drink egg nog by the fire.
Sing holiday songs.
Eat cookies with milk.
Enjoy snow flakes on my tongue.
I'll try to enjoy a little bit of Christmas even though you're not here.


I love you.

I've known you since I was sixteen.
I remember our walks home, laughing about everything and anything.
You were my best friend.

I'll confess I never thought we'd be more than friends.
You've made that clear..
Once in the past.
But then you go and surprise me, with an unexpected kiss.
Its clique to say, but you simply took my breath away.

Feeling nothing but winters cold glow in my heart, for months..
All it took was the feel of your lips against mine, and like the sun you melted me away...



I'm conflicted...

My minds gone half crazy trying to figure out why you did it.
Why'd you cross that invisible line.
I wonder if it's worth me holding on.
I'd to hate walk away from you as if this never existed...
But what am I to think after you've gone and changed things between you and me.

I placed my heart in your hands..
That summer, long ago.
So naive.. so pure before I let myself go.

It was there I fell for you.
Behind that Oklahoma sky.
In love with a man who had the devils grin.

These are all faded memories, scattered, deep within my mind. Places I never visit.
Places I never give any of my time.

The only evidence left in these memories, is one undeniable truth...
.
If you had never ripped my heart in two,
I would have never become bran new.

I had no idea who I was back then.
All I knew was that I loved you.

Who knew,
That I’d find strength from the pain.

I have you to thank for showing me my greatest lesson I’ve learned thus far.
Thank you for breaking my heart, it was the worst pain I’d ever felt.

It took you not loving me at all, for me to fully and completely, love myself.

Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…
To those who hardly think about us in return...
That are also sometimes so un deserving...

×××××××


In
My experience most people don't recognize the significant moments in their life...
While their happening...
They grow complacent...
With..
Ideas..
People..
Or things...

They start to take them for granted..
And its usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from them...
That they realize..
How wrong they've been..
How much they really need it...
And lastly...
How much they really love it.

He says,
"Do you love me?"
I tell him...
"Only partly, I only love my bed and my momma, I'm sorry.
I even got it tatted on me.

In my thirty two years of life I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turned out the way i wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure.

I don't know a lot about life, and I'm nowhere near the realm of perfection. But If there's anything I've learned it's to not to be bitter over life’s disappointments.
You will come to a place in your life where you will learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, with rainbows and talking unicorns.

But, when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair that is sometimes just life....
Remember it’s only in the black of the night that you will see stars. And those stars will lead you back home and where you need to be.

You're never forever lost, although it may feel that way.
You've just lost your own way.
So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall on bruised knees, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.

I chose to look at the positive sides of things...
For instance, maybe you’ll get everything you wish for.
Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined.
Who really ever knows where life is going to take you.

This road called life is a long one and in the end, the journey is your destination.

A family.
A bond.
Having the same goal.
Fighting the same fight.
Fighting poverty.
Within in the US.
We are men and women.
With a passionate heart.
An empathetic heart.
We join hands.
In this journey that
Has just begun..
To save the world.
One, block...
One town..
One community..
One state...
At a time..

We are Americorps Vista!

To anyone with a broken heart...
If ever you find yourself on your bedroom floor at 3am with those uncontrollable tears running down your cheeks.
And you find that your fingertips are blistered from trying to claw yourself out of your own skin...
I want you to realize that love is only a verb.
It's going to hurt like hell, but realize just because he said he loved you, doesn't mean he ever actually did.
Love is much more than beautifully painted words.
Love is shown through actions.

So don't be ashamed of the way your heart dies and how you still may cry for him.
It's not giving him power over you.
Imagine it to be like a great flood washing away the old you.
Carefully...
sometimes even painfully,
Washing away all the wickedness, sorrow and pain he left behind.
Soon becoming forgotten..
A distant memory.

And you will become his biggest regret...
Once the realization set's in...
That he lost you..
And every attempt to find you in someone else will fail..
Because you won't be found.

What happened to us?
I don't know who I am anymore...
Or how I got here...
I miss who I use to be...
I wanna have a home again...
You know?
With..
Real friends...
The kind of friends you use to believe in...
I miss that...
And I miss you...

I guess I just miss all of it...

I'll never understand you..
How can you look at me that way..
How can you be so mad?
I tried to tell you..
I tried to explain...
You say you understand..
But then you push me away..
Giving me the cold shoulder...
I know you're frusterated..
With me..

But like moth to a flame..
You always come..
Back to me..
Your touch is so gentle..
Your heart is so real...
You'd never purposely hurt me...
I know what you feel is real.

But I tried to tell you..
Im ****** up..
I'm black and blue...
I told you..
Love does not live here..
That ***** don't even visit..


I looked up into your eyes..
Bared my soul..
And told you..
I love you too..
But..
I had to go..
I had to spread my...
Wings..
And fly..


I know you promised me forever..
And I know you love me still...
The only thing I ask...
Is let me find me again..
I'm sorry it's selfish..
But for once in my life...
I have to be...

Ive let you in my world..
You saw first hand that it was...
all red and orange engulfed
With flames..

I tried to tell you...
There's nothing left in me...
but ash and a heart thats been burned...
Way too many ******* times...


So I love you...
Be patient..
Be with me..
But let me go...
Even if only temporary...

Now this is just me venting.
So, however this may come across,
I love my best friend.
But sometimes I don't agree with the way you do things.

You may think that I don't know **** about life.
If I'm being honest that's how you always make me feel.
But you should know by now that I don't lie to my friends.
I don't care how much you may want me to tell you what you wanna hear.
I'm just not the one.

You may have not had real friends in your life.
And it's kinda sad that I have to do this...
But hi, I'm what a real loyal friend looks like.
Surprise!!!
I would never steer you the wrong way.

So I listen to all your concerns.
I listen to you vent.
I listen to you cry.
And when you have no options or ideas on how to change certain situations in your life.
I am there every single time supplying you with them.

And you have an excuse for every single thing I suggest.

So naturally...
I've grown upset.
Naturally I'm frustrated.
Naturally this has ****** me off.

You think you know best about everything, and if that were true I don't believe you'd actually be in the mess you're in.

So For the millionth and final time, let me tell you this...
You cannot just expect your life and your situation to change by ******* about it.
To get something different, you must do something different.
If you want your situation or your life to change then you need to be willing to do something you've never done.



But what the hell do I know.

Truth is still absolute.
Believe that.
Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined.
And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

If nobody believed in love...
Why would anyone want to live?

I'm uneasy tonight..
And I couldnt tell you..
Why..

My skin crawling..
I'm uncomfortable...
I cant pin point it..
Where is this coming from..
I'm just uneasy tonight..
Maybe its because..
I know your there..
No **** that..
It cant be that...
I simply do not care..
Maybe its just today..
Maybe its all the **** I'm suppressing..
I've had one glass of wine..
Been awake since 3:40..
Maybe its surfacing...
The fact that I'm really leaving..
Leaving all this behind..
Its real..
It's happening..
I'm moving..
Its happening faster..
Than a blink of an eye...
I hate change...
I feel like I cant breathe...
******* its worsening..
Why did I drink that glass of wine..

Its time to lay down...
Digest..
What I cant seem to swallow..
Today has been nothing but hollow..
I feel panicked and sorrow..
I have to stay positive...
I need to swallow...
Exhale panic..
Inhale my sole purpose..
Remember that all my dreams..
I'm meant to follow...
But not here...
Not were pain lives..

Breathe...
Look forward to tomorrow...
Tonights horror is not meant..
For you to swallow.

Albert Camus once wrote, “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.”
But I wonder if there’s no breaking then there’s no healing, and if there’s no healing then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?
Could I avoid it.. At all costs?

Why is that one day I want to hate you so much...
But then I find myself thinking about you and realize that could never be true..

Why did you have to be so cruel?
Why did you have to lie about everything?
Did you really think I'd never figure everything out?
Was nothing between us real...


Why couldn't you just love me?
Why couldn't you be the man I believed you could be?
Have you really no heart?
Have you really no realness to you?
Or will you always be out there with ulterior motives?

I can only pray that one day you realize the depth of my love and how real it was.
Despite your lies..
Despite your actions..
Despite your other plans that never included me..

I only wanted to be apart of your life..
The light in your life...
But you never gave me that chance...
Or perhaps as I've thought about it..
Maybe it wasen't up to chances because as it were...
I was never one...

Maybe you'll find someone you actually love someday..
And I hope you choose her and keep choosing her until your final breath on this earth...
That's love..
And That's how I felt about you...
It was always you I chose...

When I think of you.

That song about mercy comes to mind.

I wish you had given me some.

I shouldn't feel this..
I'm a drunk mess.
But I shouldn't feel this.
Let's just hope I don't remember this.

Job offer from a high profile company I don't deserve this?
Do I? Im unsure I'd like some honest answers to this.

Why do I feel the urge to call you explain all of this..
Oh, that's right you never loved me you're not interested in knowing this.
I have to remember I was alone in all this.
You know..
Loving you investing in all this.
I guess my heart still wants to share all my happiness..
This much is true I guess..
I'm drunk on wine such a mess.
So I'll hide my phone till morning better judgement and all the reasons I will never call you..
Yes.

It’s funny...
There are nights...
when the crickets sing and the breeze at night is warm..
I find myself craving you..
Your touch.
Your kiss, that stopped time.
Passion that engulfed my soul.

I miss a lie.
Because you were never real.
And neither was your love.

Sometimes I pretend you’re real.
Kissing me with such passion it lights me up like all the stars in the sky.