i wanted so badly to make a cake
bought the ingredients
preheated the oven
sifted the flour
weighed the ingredients, separated the dry from the wet
mixed everything together
i put it in the oven and waited
i had a toothpick to check for doneness
and it still came out overdone
do i try again
what if i want cookies now
what if they don't want cake

lucifer came back into my life
dragged me down to hell
there were no flames or chains
but actions, immoral and careless
he tempted me with the mere prospect of physical affection
but only behind closed doors and lies
i was the other woman
the scorned, naive girl who loved a boy who would never love her back
he took a twenty-one year girl back to being her twelve year old self who hadn’t been kissed
thought i moved on, matured, was happy
but he came, made me doubt everything and wrecked up so much of my life
and then he left saying he loved her and hoped i'd understood
and that’s when i knew he would never love me

there is a lot of film and tv with dances where the main character is devastated by the slow dance, but ends up with the right person, or perhaps they gets pulled onto the floor and everything is right, the music, the stars
i forgot life was neither and when the lights dimmed at prom as a slow song came on i was forming blisters as the person who would later threaten to slit his wrists for breaking up with him was nowhere to be seen
the nail in the coffin of that night as i gazed at him with her and wondered why he’d even asked me to a dance he mostly ignored me at
i was surrounded by people, young and in love as the song dragged on, much like the night would with him
swallowed up by his tongue and his hands

when he was good it was okay and when it was bad it was terrible
every time i asked for below the minimum he would argue i didn’t tell him how much it meant to me, to be asked out in person, to be asked to prom like everyone else (even if it was blatantly obvious and embarrassing)

people cheered for me when we started dating
they would never know about the night he threatened to **** himself
how he cornered me for information after i drunkenly said i wasn’t totally clean after we’d broken up
how i cried after that interrogation and was so close to jumping off the deck, wishing i was dead
how it felt to be a truly evil person for no reasons other than the bitter complaints he spit out of his mouth
they wouldn’t see me break down when asked if i was okay
they wouldn’t know how i stared at the ceiling of that cabin as tears ran down my eyes, too tired to sob anymore
how i fell asleep after the exhaustion took over

they didn’t know how bad it would get
and neither did i

sometimes people know exactly how to respond
they know when physical touch to comfort someone is appropriate and necessary
when to pull away, when to stay silent
when to speak up
but i swear it's as if i'm always looking through a slightly frosted glass while there is noise in the background
i can see and hear what is in front me though there is a delay and misunderstandings
and they say think before you speak, but my brain didn't get the entire memo in development because my brain was rapidly firing the next thing to do or say or see or smell or try
it doesn't mean what i say or do should be excused, corrected, or reprimanded
it just means i need grace and time
and if that isn't possible some patience is appreciated
because i'm capable of simultaneously being too much and not enough
i don't want to be different but i'm told to try to be normal can be a bit dull and i should shine
because no one ever describes me as boring
and sometimes i really wish they did

in middle school i had a father
a great, loving father
and by high school i didn’t

at thirteen i thought i was an emotionless person
a cold, calm, and happy person
and by nineteen i’d realized i was anything but

at thirteen i liked a boy and I wrote that in permanent marker on a desk and would never say anything
i covered it with tape, but it is still there
and at twenty-two he moved back... it didn’t work out

in elementary i said i loved a boy and never got a reply
it didn’t stop me from saying those things to more boys, and eventually girls and people who don't identify as either

and now i hold on to the hope maybe each heartbreak will be different from before

one thing i know won’t be the same is at twelve i had a dad
and now i don’t

i scrutinize the issues i have since losing a father
if a boy might hurt me he tried to make sure they didn’t
now i put myself out there and get hurt
i look for him in every person i romanticize
i compare each person to a father who exceeded all expectations then started to died right in front of me

they said it’s quieter
which leaves more time for my thoughts to consume me
and the exhaustion of my mind running to overcome me
as the sun comes up i must say goodnight
it’s heart breaking as a person who used to love the sun and moon and how my circadian rhythms flowed
now it’s like sailing through a dark thunderstorm at seas
and all i can see is the occasional flash of my surroundings when lightning strikes
i’m cold and nauseous and beg for the mercy of slumber
i haven’t been sick in a long time yet as soon as i am assigned to the graveyard shift it’s like the monsters in my closest, my immune system, and my head come back
i am the small scared child i thought i had grown to no longer be
goodnight moon has always been my favorite book and now i must say hello moon and it brings great sadness to my soul
while i may long for the pace of nights i’ll gladly take my badge and my boots and arise before sunrise to set off to another busy day

it was nice
it was wonderful
though slowly i lost interest, i've lost interest in maintaining most relationships, i broke the heart of a boy who loved me to pieces and dealt with every mess i made and the mess i am
so if you ever want to know how to break your own heart just get yourself into a relationship with a person who loves being in relationships and brings gift and tells you just how much they love you all the time and smothers you in love
then lose the ability to love progressively and don't tell them for months and start to drift
then break it off and cry a bunch because you know you are the person at fault for hurting such a wonderful kind person
and continue to feel numb inside, letting the depression engulf you just like their love did, and bury yourself in work
because then your heart will be broken indefinitely

i met a boy
sweet and intelligent and politically informed and on top of that very cute
a girl responds, he looks like a senator
i responded that i’ve never wanted to be a senator’s wife but i want to be his wife
now months later i realize i could also be the senator with a wife
or a husband
or a dog
i have been conditioned to think a female like me is to be a wife of someone in power and not a person in power
i have worked many events for political campaigns and observed that i am well out outnumbered by people who look nothing like me
sure i am adopted and can only speak english, but as i look around a room where a wonderful woman is confidently boasting that politics should not look like what we perceive but the room we are standing in i see no person like me
i am a nursing major aspiring to change the way politics look and run once i am educated and experienced enough as we are in the midst of a government shutdown
and as some of my family goes to work they’re having to tell their employees what they can do while during this shutdown, many of the staff will be sent home or working from home
their contracted by the government so after the season of giving they’ve been forced into giving their livelihood
i’m writing to exclaim my utter despair and shock by this country’s ability to force countless people to suffer because some sensible enough to refuse to agree with someone who intends to rip families apart and spend billions of dollars for projects that are tearing the nation to pieces

My family enriches me.
I know when I look back I'll see them. When I was pedaling a bicycle by myself for the 1st time they were the ones who got the wheels turning.
When I leave for college, I know they paid the extravagant costs that I couldn't ever thank them enough for, for saving up money that could have been used on a car or new clothes, but they're throwing it all in because they believe in me more more than anyone else does. They will be the ones who wish me luck, they'll hold on to me until I complain and escape their bear hugs that I'll miss before the end of my first day.
When I'm driving away from my wedding I can look through the back window and see them waving.
They teach me how go fill in the lows points and cushion the bumps in life.
Anthony Brandt once said "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." and while I haven't even lived to 18 as I watch people walk in and out of my life as if the door in my face won't hurt, I look around & find myself surrounded by effervescent love.
My family gives me the courage and determination to take off for myself no matter how scary it might seem, I am constantly becoming a better person thanks to them.

entering new waters
playing games with hearts
drinking the coconut ***, the wine, the *****
losing sobriety as we speak
and one rope let's loose
the sail swings but the sky is clear and it is fixed
but the skies begin to darken and the waters clash along the sides
that lose rope will be the downfall of the whole ship
how could you believe you could sail the open sea
you are stranded on the dry island of depression and foolishness
the tea spills
you are but a girl in a boat telling herself she is a sailor
lying to yourself that you can take on the freedom of the ocean
delusional you let the water take you
and the salty water runs down your cheek
you bite your lip in an attempt to not let the ocean know you are weak
and you grab the rope and you hold your position long enough to hear the radio
the coast guard asks are you okay
you are distressed and need someone
and as the salty water enters your eyes and mouth, you find yourself steadied by their words, anchoring down
the anchor that has appeared when the waters were like this before
and you find yourself able to breathe and say i don't know
and you accept that you are no sailor but a hopeless romantic waiting for something to settle into with no dock in sight
anchors dig in to fight the water when there isn’t time or a place to settle into a harbor
and this is familiar territory: feeding the water, rocks, and vegetation
gripping onto something that both provides stability and holds you down from moving on
believing materialistic things and blocking out the seriousness of sinking will fill the vastness within her soul
and the girl who was no sailor knows that the storm always passes eventually and she'll learn to be a sailor in good time
she wants to live to grow to be someone
no person is, capable of just sailing without making mistakes
there will always be rough waters and she will realize that the anchor of that future sailor comes from within herself

"people make the mistake of letting beauty guide attraction" said a character from a mediocre movie
It paved the way for a period of self reflection
Remember that boy or girl might be beautiful, but no facade is a stable foundation for a serious healthy relationship
Don't force yourself to settle for anything, not even people
You don't look now fall in love later
Be with them because of what you see in them not what you see looking at them
Your perception of them when you are at a low point is what matters
You kiss with your eyes closed, and that is as much as you'll ever really see when you are arguing with them
You will pick the things they do, say, or believe when you're having an honest real argument, it won't be how they do their hair their clothes or what they look like in makeup it will be the bills you can't pay because they thought education was less important than their name brand shoes
You will remember the lack of help they offered more concerned for themselves
You will become revolted when you take note of their homophobia you didn't notice when you were too caught in what they looked like to see what matters
You are a wonderful person who works hard, you have aspirations, and are realistic in your expectations & someone will find that endearing, you will never lose the ability to see the light in their eyes when being in their arms feels like home and you work together to succeed and commit to each other and your own needs in coexistence
cohabitation isn't just organizing two peoples worth of stuff it is the feelings and emotions together too

tears
silence
confusion
words that descibe the aftermath of hearing the news
a boy and a woman
a brother and a mother
gone
at the hand of the eldest son
a victim himself, of a poisoned mind, trapped in his own body, forced to watch the destruction the dark side inflicts
when is the change coming; no more lives at the mercy of a mental illness they got doing what they loved
i have the will and i can find a way, their deaths will not be in vain
he deserves to be here, to make it to eighteen, to make it to his graduation
they deserved more time than they were given and they will be a driving force for saving countless lives beyond the horizon
rest easy

I thought of him again
just like any other day
I don't want to and I am certain there is no need to love the boy who acted like a ****
Do boys with charm always do this, hold a piece of your heart in a jar with all the other girls
hold it under their bed to look at before they go to bed
I'm going to die a sad death alone like this
I swear to god you have a voodoo doll with my name on it

I don't remember what I was doing last year on this day,
but I know I felt a lot better than I do now
I had him
It was a rouse
I was the pawn
It's funny how I thought I'd never be a rebound and now that I look back I've been one multiple times
I always thought they saw the lights in my eyes when they really saw me as a bright distraction
I'm beautiful I'm kind I care about you they all said it and I believed it because I thought they were the world
It hurts
They're good people I tell myself, but that's so hard to believe when I remember how it ended
I see them smiling and I think of when I loved them how I still sometimes feel the same
It doesn't hurt because I remember how it ended it's remembering the journey to the end and how I wish someone felt the same how I wish I felt the same
It might had been all fake but it felt good anyway
And that's life
Jumping between blissful moments, believing there is always one ahead

You know its good when you're left at the end and you notice you were holding your breathe
when your heart is beating fast enough to make respiration difficult
you come here to try to express how you're feeling and you wish that you could feel this way about a person but the only people that make you feel remotely close are the ones you wished you never spoke to in the first place
one can admire until their heart gives out but to take chances and try to befriend them has proved to dangerous because you know how it ends
you know you'll forget all of this when you do it again and you've dug your grave four times deep, eventually coming in contact with the hot center of the earth, the heat reminding you you will only ever feel the cold of your loneliness no matter how much you burn your nerves

had we wrecked
am i okay
what about him
he was there with me
we were okay
it was all fine
then something happened
i can't see
why can't i see
where is he
i reached out
he hasn't grasp me
the sails flowed with calm jerks
the wind pulled us along
but the wind has stopped
the boat does not move
the currents have changed

am i dreaming or is that drift wood

I give the pieces of me to the wrong people and it seems they are playing for keeps
They never cared they just wanted to see me weep
I didn't know that when I saw them, though I can never look into eyes
I think it is because if I do they will see all my lies
You should probably know what they'll see so you're not so scared
I am broken and on the inside completely despaired
I had a panic attack yesterday and I scared people
They look at me as I have been trying to avoid
The eyes of judgement and sympathy for the destroyed
I'm not happy and I have lost a piece of me.
I would say it was part of my heart, but I'm still pumping blood, my chambers are boiling.
I think something inside of me is slowly spoiling, it is part of my brain and I know that sounds technical.
Though let's get real, what's acceptable.
So if you are driving your car and see a sign please return part of me this is why.
I'd rather be dead than live with the lies

I have a really bad thought and I'm just putting it out there, I could totally have over exaggerated and don't know the real story so tell me if I'm wrong.
Doesn't it feel horrible if you don't want to adopt them? Like their humans and they want a family, but if they aren't wanted it's off to another place, another strike, another day without a family. They start all over again with some other people a little more broken every time they are rejected, but they need someone to love them so they pull themselves together hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
What if they want some of the kids and not the others...do you split up people who finally learned how to trust others contrary to the abandonment and being let down a number of times.
How do you look someone in the eye then learn they don't want you and are even the slightest bit okay with it? I guess it comes with time after time doing this, but I couldn't do it.

It's really hard to be nice to you
I used to know you
You were the person I said everything to, I cared about you, and every time I look at you now I see the past like it's jabbing me in the chest
I missed you every day it hurt, but now the pain has lessened to a mere touch.
we did our time & like a boat sinking into an abyss at the bottom of the ocean, we're done for.

The inevitable is that the thing we call a heartbeat will no longer exist and it will not come back

I have learned that if there is ever a time when someone makes you forget that, that that is what great writers and the "genius" beings try to tell others about.
the reason we read or listen or look at what they created is that some people have come to the realization that they comprehend something so amazing that once you feel it that heartbeat will feel like it ceased to exist

Find that so dying won't hurt so much.

sorry cut it that night and every time I think of someone else you slip into my mind
this is a nightmare I can't escape while I'm awake
I told you this would end and I told you I was more trouble than you would come to realize I'm worth
Do you want to know why?
To ease the blow when it all inevitably fell apart, leave the door creaked open so when you left it was soundless & painless
Oh god, but the pain is relentless
I fell in love
You taught me to trust is to be deceived, but to hold a knife behind your back was to be careful
So tell me...
do words matter if there isn't anyone to hear them?

don't act like you didn't do anything, you know what you did
You stopped talking to me
I'm not your *****, it may had taken me a while, but I realized it
I stopped grasping on
Don't you miss the long texts I sent you while you only replied with a yeah or ignoring me in the halls unless no one else was interested in you
Now tell me boy, what were your intentions, destroy me & make me a horrible child?
leave me speechless?
I have money that it was so you would have a girl, little and trusting, who would always say "he's a good boy & a good friend. He will be there. Trust him, I would put my life in his hands. Be his girlfriend, be his fiancé, be his wife."
You don't even know when it is all coming apart
I'm out of breathe from the memories and broken promises

it didn't seem alright
I mean I don't really know why I even did it
Jealousy or greed, stupidity
I'm not going to be able to change what happened and will pay for my sins
sins, can you call them that when you don't have a religious affiliation
This isn't okay by any manner and you deserve to be as harsh as you want
the faster your run the harder you hit the ground
so I'm sorry
if the silence comes
it was because of everything

when someone tells you be to be small and you've spent your whole life trying to be looked up to contrary to your size things get messy
It was a small remark which they treat as any other sentence in the English language and they probably don't know what it means for someone to say that.
They laugh and I laugh because that makes me "normal"
I am not normal by any means so maybe I should stop trying

I'm really sorry I can't hold on to you. I regret every time I don't huge you tight enough or say the right things. I've lost something.
I think it was the ability to feel. I look at all this joy, all the pain, and my chest hurts when I laugh or I can feel the warm wells of water form in the crevices of my eyes when I cry, but...it is brief.
I overthink everything, is this normal?
Though I swear that there was pure happiness. It was lasting and I lost it.
Please come back.

I FIND IT FUNNY HOW I THINK YOU WILL COME AROUND AND I CAN'T EXCEPT THE FACT YOU HAVE ******* ME OVER
EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU I THINK OF ALL THE **** YOU SAID AND THE STUFF WE DID.
I REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU SEEMED LIKE A GOD AND NOW I KNOW YOU'RE MORE LIKE LUCIFER.
PLEASE GET OUT OF MY HEAD
I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT YOU TO NEED ME LIKE HUMANITY NEEDS THE ATMOSPHERE.