I
It is your birthday
The drool stains on your shirt have not dried yet
Your jaw hangs slack from the weight of the ******
You remove the red tissue paper from the blue gift bag
Blue is your favorite color
When the paper is in your hand
It mocks the texture of your skin

II
I used to be afraid of those hands
They used to move
Until I hung slack from the weight of your terror
I promised myself
that anger
Will never carry out through our bloodline
I lose myself some days
Trapped in the process of patience

III
You never needed me to forgive you
Cleaning up your blood is forgiveness enough
I am humbled by the weight of your helplessness
Forget the fear you caused me
The window you threw me through
The constant tests to keep my hands in my pockets
To be the better man
Forget that today is your birthday
Your memories have smashed
From the weight of this disease

IV
You pull out a pair of pants
And some t-shirts
You probably don’t want them
But you need more
“Oh,” you say.
“Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. This is good,” you say.

V
I finally forgive you
For everything
Because at some point
I promised myself to become
A good man

“Happy Birthday,” I say.

Barbie's so sharp
she knows Ken is now broken,
he's just a token of
the doll he once was.

There are
words spoken from seashells,
whispers, but
wedding bells?
no,
the glitter shone for a time and
then faded.

It's gone in a flash,
too much ******* and cash and
nights on the lash with the boys.

Toys that we were,
but now Barbie don't care
she's got ****** and gin hidden
everywhere and
a rope that hangs loose,
a noose at the top of the stairs
no one cares,
not Barbie
not Ken and there's
no action men
anymore.

Everything broken
everything bust and
everything turns as I
touch it to dust,
except
plastic faces,
botox at the races and
never passing the post.

All we can hope for is
another shell on the seashore,
whispers,
for someone to see her.

Her ****** words coax me,
Her morphine mind entraps me
Her sense of time enwraps me
Her ***** paen's inspire me

Her ******* knowledge enhances me
Her flowered foliage remembers me
Her ****** boil ablazes me
Her
Mine queen
Her
Mine aimer...

One day you are born. You don't know anything. You adapt and adjust to the world and learn more and more. Your parents are, more likely than not, ******. They don't exactly know why they gave birth to you, but they know they're supposed to love you now. Your childhood years are formidable and promising. You show talent in sports, music, and mathematics. You go to junior high and get pimples and a ****** drive. You kiss a girl at a Violent Femmes concert at the Del Mar race track when you're thirteen. She's kinda fat and slutty, but oh well. You try really hard to not be included in anything at your high school. You do a lot of drugs. Anything will do, xanax, *******, ****, ******, ecstasy, morphine, ******, beer, it's all the same to you. You get arrested for some dumb ****, your parents help you. You stop doing drugs. You get really into music again. You start a band. You start writing a lot. Your writing is cliche and dry at first. This discourages you. You can't stop for some reason though. After writing hundreds of pages of *******, you write a line that is utterly magnificent. You go to work at a job that barely pays you, you come home. You dream. The money goes round. Your aspirations swivel about in a drunken stupor behind your frontal lobe. You dream. You wake. You eat, ****, and sleep. The money goes round. You eat, you wish you had someone to ****, then you sleep again. You keep writing and playing music though. You get really, really good. But the lash goes on.

captured in the psych ward, fear of being kidnapped by demons




today ron got out of bed and went to the cafe for a morning coffee and spoke to them

about his latest patient, who was in the psych ward because he feared being kidnapped

by demons who are flying around his head, you see a few nights before he was admitted

to the psych ward, he tied himself up claiming the demons have him, and if he told people

about the demons, his next door neighbour will snarl at him with his coffee saying your not a cool

kid buddy and the reason why he told them there, because they won’t blab, and nobody outside

will know about the 21 year old paranoid schizophrenic he has in his psych ward, and ron left the

cafe and headed to the hdu to give the morning medications out and he gave it to patty roe, and

charlie chaplin and when he came to the 21 year old he stopped to have a little talk saying

how was your sleep last night and then he said my name is olly hammond, and i was being threatened

outside a nightclub in the city and that gave olly horrible kidnapping thoughts thinking he would be

kidnapped by them, but really they were roughing him up, but olly knew nothing of that, and the thugs said i might

kidnap olly in a minute and illy heard it, and ran off yelling, the demons have got me, the demons have got me

and ron was not really proud of the drug they chose for olly but gave him a dose of the drug for the morning

and then after handing all the medications out, he went to do research on his computer about trying to find

the right drug for olly, because this drug he was on was making olly feel nautious, and definitely made him

very paranoid, but the nurses didn’t share ron’s enthusiasm about putting him on another drug, because

sometimes it’s good to tackle the problem by digging the whole root rather than just the bush, and ron said

yeah i agree with that, but while he is on this medication he will be violent to himself or another patient or

even one of us, i know olly is only young but he can **** a man, because nobody really looked after him

much as a kid, and the nurses said ok, but really putting him on another medication could **** him by making

him very slow and ron said, yeah, but he thinks demons are kidnapping him, and if anyone makes fun of him

olly will become very violent toward himself or others, and then as ron was talking he noticed afexor, which

was made for depression, but as ron was reading it, it can help paranoid schizophrenics if they are monitored

properly and then 15 minutes before lunch, ron went to olly’s room to say, we are taking you off the drug your on

and putting you on afexor because it can get rid of the paranoyer in your head, and let’s put this bluntly, get rid of

these demons who are threatening to kidnap you, and olly asked when do i start this new medication and ron said, how about tonight

and because you have only been on medication for 4 days, we can’t see why we can’t not give you any more doses

of that medication, and ron left and then went in to deliver the lunches to everyone and patty roe and charlie chaplin

and olly and 12 more patients all came out, but olly started yelling because his meal looked like **** and tore strips off

charlie chaplin because he told him to shut up and ron took olly to his room to talk to him and then ron brought his

lunch in and olly used his hand to throw his lunch all over his room and ron gave olly a ****** to calm down and

then went back to his office to work on this affexor experiment and olly slept right through to dinner and he didn’t like that either

and ron said, olly, you must eat something or you’ll starve and then the nurses force fed a tube into his stomach, and olly

screamed saying ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* YA FUCKEN ****** and ron gave him his

first two tablets of affexor and it might have calmed him down, and as ron clocked off and bought fish and chips and

went home to retire on the couch, at 3 am, the nurses rang ron up saying the new medication is giving him a rash all over

his body, and this is making him very hard to settle down, and ron said, ok, try him on melleril, 3 tablets, tomorrow, and we’ll

scrap the affexor, and the nurses apologised for getting him up, and ron said, don’t worry about it, i want olly well as well

and the next morning ron went to his usual cafe for breakfast and then went to the HDU, to hand out the morning medications

and when ron came up to olly, he copped a serve saying, that medication you put me on gave a fucken rash, and then olly said

next time you think about a wonder drug, can you please think about the fucken side effects and ron gave him 1 tablet of melleril in the

morning and when it came to the nighttime medications he gave him 2 tablets of melleril, and so far so good, and after he gave the 9 o’clock supper

ron went home and heated up some soup and watched TV, and fell asleep on the couch, and the next day, melleril was a wonder drug

but it’s only early days, will this drug stop olly’s demon kidnapping, thinking everyone is going to bash or kidnap him when noone is after him.

Is loving better than ******?
Yes, so good for the endorphins,
As into golden years we're a'morphing,
So, better than ****** is our loving,
My hair and skin are a'glowing,
Through the window you are going,
Any loving is good loving,
As my olden age is greying,
To my lover I'm imagining,
You are in my brain's imagination,
For guaranteed satisfaction,
So, is this good for the endorphins?
Yes, loving is better than ******!

captured in the psych ward, the delusional helper


ron cooper is having memories of his time he had his appendix at royal melbourne hospital

when this delusional marta like man is admitted to his HDU and ron had to take good care of him

by asking him, who do you want to help, the man said, i want to help feed the hungry and ron asked

how are you going to help like that, the man said, i can cook a meal a day, and if i have no helpers

i will do it myself and ron asked, yeah, do you realise you will be rushed off your feet and the man yelled

at ron, SHUT UP YA BIG WALLY and ron started having these visions of him yelling at the doctor who

wanted to take his appendix out and talked to a social worker about it and as he was doing that, the nurses

got a name out of him, but the name was jesus claus, and then the man said, my parents are heavily into christmas

and seeing their last name was claus, they called me jesus, and the nurses went away to work on what medications

jesus claus needs to be on, whilst talking to the social worker who said it might be a good idea to play with him as if he is

making a difference, whether he is or not and at lunch time, ron thought jesus was not fit for the lunch room, so ron bought it into

his room saying, here is your lunch, or helpers need lunch so they can help many people and jesus said, can you give a pass out

so i can council some of these people, involved in this school shooting and ron gave him a plastic card with nothing on it and

told jesus, that every time you want to help someone use the trillion dollars on this card, and jesus asked, how about i have a computer in here

and ron gave him a broken down eftpos machine and told jesus to swipe it in this, and then you watch the news, and they make money

it is all you, ok, jesus said, ok i will help everyone with the doctors money, but ron was risking his job, and had to keep tabs of jesus’s goings on

and another thing, ron asked jesus, we want to help you help people, so i need to know how you do it, and ron gave jesus some risperidal and largactil

to calm jesus’s delusions and in  about 1 hour, jesus was too busy helping to eat and when ron came to collect the lunch tray, jesus said

if you ant to help me, give money to the dead and alive victims of the tahiti plane crash, you see i gave them $1,000,000 and they made i and a quarter million

and ron, they need your help and ron said, ok, when i get home, i will give them some loot to save them and ron asked jesus if he wants to join this group and

jesus said, i am too busy, and ron said fine and walked away and after the group was over, ron bought jesus his lunch and said to him

jesus claus, who are you helping now and jesus said there was this kid who was kidnapped by a gangster and i have to pay the ransom out of your money

but this is fun, ron, can i have some more and ron said, ok, i will put money on the card when i get to my office,ok

jesus thanked ron, as ron went back to his office knowing that he is just feeding the dilution into him and when it became time to collect his dinner plate

ron said, my mum and dad and uncle rob told me, you can only help people if you help yourself as well, so ron said, i need to borrow your helping card and machine

and jesus said, i know why you are doing this, you are jealous of my power and my talent, i have this gift of helping people, and ron said, your not helping, you are a marter

and jesus yelled  WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME A MARTER FOR, YA **** and ron said, because you feel your helping with broken technology and this made jesus very angry

and ron had to get out of there but when he came back to jesus’s room, the TV was thrown against the wall and he started yelling at ron which made him get the needle and

inject some ******, so they can give the medication to him, and after they injected him with ******, they were forced to inject him with risperidal and largactil to help him relax and calm his delusions

and when ron left, he asked the nurses to call him, if he gets angry and at 4 in the morning ron who was burping pizza, was forced to come to his HDU because jesus was walking around with a dinner knife

yelling and threatening people and ron gave him a shot of ****** and refused to go home because he has so many drugs inside of him, ya know he could die, and as the next day passed

jesus was ok and ron gave jesus risperidal at lunch and went away and gave him more risperidal at night with largactil and then while he was feeling tired, ron bought

a hamburger and a beer and went home to lose himself in prim time TV'

the coopers family, the case of torette syndrome




michelle met young rudy rometon, who was really hard to look after, every time micheele turned her

back rudy will hold a plastic knife toward another patient of the psych ward, because she is really

psychotic, and michelle couldn’t handle her on her own, so she asked sally to help her, and sally

said, yeah, because if we have to help this girl get help we can’t push her away, but the only

problem with rudy is, she feeds the staff with these ridiculous jellyfish lies, that she was kidnapped

by the mafia, and her father was the head honcho and michelle then said, i read about the mafia

and your dad isn’t one, but rudy would get really aggressive on the psych ward medical staff, and

sally took rudy into the room to let her have a yelling match and she yelled out

YOU FUCKEN STUPID ****, MY MOTHER PROMISED ME A TRIP TO WARNER BROS MOVIE WORLD

AND THEN SHE FUCKEN WENT BACK ON HER FUCKEN WORD, SHE ALSO SAID I COULD BE

A BEAUTIFUL MODEL,AND THEN SHE FUCKEN WENT BEHIND MY BACK, AND SAID RUDY, ISN’T

FULLY EQUIPPED, and sally stopped her by saying, with being famous and rudy said, LET ME FUCKEN SPEAK

sally was distraught and felt threatened as she tried to listen, YEAH, SHUT UP, THAT STUPID TWO FACED MOLE

DECIDED TO LOCK ME UP EVERY TIME I WAS TRYING TO ACHIEVE MY DREAMS, I WANT HER TO STOP

BUT SHE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SEE SALLY COOPER, I HAVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS, TRYING TO DEAL

WITH MY FUCKEN PROBLEMS IN MY BRAIN, from that moment, sally took rudy in for a brainscan, to see if there

is any sign of mental illness, and rudy didn’t want the brain scan, only because she was too defensives when someone says

she is a mental head and then as david was entering to check on rudy, rudy got her plastic knife, and threatened david, if

she wasn’t allowed to go, david, wasn’t in the losing mood and tripped rudy up and locked her in the solitary cell, saying

i bet you prefer to be here, rather than the streets, cause your mum wants time, cause she can’t except you at the moment

rudy yelled blue ******, saying WHY DON’T YOU FIND A FUCKEN WAY TO GET ME OUT OF THIS DUMP, and david said

if you want tp be free, you must behave yourself, because at present you are menace, menace i tell ya, and meanwhile

at the coopers family clinic john prendth was dealing with a patient who has bulimia, and she was skinny, and this made john

want to get a referral for her to go to a food abnormalities centre, where they only monitor you what you eat, well john was having

problems with her conversation patterns, from positive and negative positive and negative, which made john think there is a little

bit of mental illness, but her brain scan showed nothing, but to be on the safe side, john took a picture of the brain, just to make sure

that there isn’t anything small, and instead of being with sue and frank at dinner, he spent 4 hours looking for abnormalities from the

scan, which shows nothing, and then john noticed a tumor growing, at present it is alright, but it looks like those kind of tumors that

could do more harm if not removed early, so the next day, as david brought the morning medications for rudy and also the breakfasts

for the impatients of the psych ward, john phoned her bellmic patient to come and discuss her results and she vomited in her toilet every

hour on the hour, she was cranky, and finding out she has a tumor, made her more furious, and she said, i want that tumor out of fucken me

right now, while sally was given new words but same guidelines, that her mum is a two faced marta ****, and sally said, here take these ******

because you need to calm down, because, what you are doing is not right, these inpatients are sick, they don’t want some bratty teenager like you

putting plastic knives to their arms and then martin came out and said, why you young ****, get off ya ****, and into work, mind you, sally spent all day

with rudy, because at 3 in the afternoon she was diagnosed with torette syndrome and rudy yelled every swear word under the sun

and the staff said, yeah, you are swearing and you get ticks, david said that you have terretz, ok, rudy yelled and went into her room while the

nurses got the medication, and decided on clonidine, 2 tablets at night and one dexedine in the morning, but david still wanted to monitor rudy

here in his psych ward, cause she has a violent temper, and at the end of that day david, ron and john and sue went to sing leonard cohen’s

halleuiah, in a very awful voice, plus david and jean and jack were telling jokes of their past, while rudy and john’s bulimic patient with a tumor

were understanding, but rudy hit michele and sally a few times, but all in a days work

the end

lungs lined with poetry

and my mouth

with the ****** sting

and my heart on the upswing

tachycardia's zing

They said we had it all
Middle American brats
bottom barrel aristocrats
we were told we were
propitious children
left alone to wonder
the bland landscape
of our gated community
to stand in submission
in our lovely subdivision

When things changed
it was us they blamed
or the media
or the influence of the ghetto
so far away
but never did we stray
it all came to us
and that was OK
we wanted something more
then material things

Our parents were there
but never really there
not enough to care
though they thought they were
Asking random questions
drinking their cocktails of
white wine and ******
telling us to turn down the volume
and what kind of ****
were we listening to today
telling us how music was better
back in their day

You gave us the world and in return
we shouldered all the blame
took the blame for all the pain
and were reminded daily of
how things could have been
how things should have been
if only you waited to have kids

And you wonder why we
f*ck and fight
stay up all night
become drunken fools at seventeen
just so we can change the routine
so we can feel alive by slowly dying
cigarette smoke and xanax bars
some percocet then drive our cars
to some place
any place
where someone will tell us that
we are special and unique
beautiful as they touch our cheek
and make us feel human again
smart and talented
more then our cookie cutter
gated box of a life
we have been told since birth
we must carry on

We just want to feel alive
to feel that someone really knows us
deep inside
from front and back
To feel that we are good enough
that its OK to be different
to feel different
and still know you will
love us just the same
and take back some of the blame
to hold us up so we don’t fall
and shatter like glass
from a child to a parent,
is that too much to ask?

David Martin

Captured in the psych ward


With new year approaching Ron
Thinks it will be good to allow the patients to have the tv on so they can watch the fireworks and concert but every time he tried to speak about it, someone comes in yelling at the nurses to get something and ron had to calm him down
He yelled things like, it is new year and he wants to be with his kids because her deep **** of a husband had her locked in the psych ward so he can go to the city and ron  not knowing what she is talking about told her to calm down but he didn't want to mention the tv idea because it isn't like being with family but she started to get violent and Ron injected her with ****** to settle her down and she went to her room and one man was admitted into the psych ward for doing nothing simply over the fact that he got violent when his parents said he can't go into the city to watch the fireworks and when Ron said we will probably allow you to watch the fireworks in here but he said the kids will tease him because he can't seem to get what he wants and each time he saw kids on tv he felt they were going to tease him heavily and Ron thought maybe the tv idea could cause a lot of fighting between the patients and Ron went into the kitchen to pick up the meals and the medications and brought them to the psych ward patients and one said the kids are teasing me and the adults are teasing me and if I watch the fireworks concert I will be a victim of a tease but Ron said he understands that people want to tease him because A  they are just children and B  they don't know what they are doing and then the paranoid patient said yes the kids do know what they are doing because they will be with their parents who don't give a rats *** about the mentally ill and Ron said yes they do but I understand your worries but I think that is no reason to not put the fireworks on the tv tonight, so enjoy your lunch and then Ron went to his office to think about how to break the tv for fireworks to the nurses and after 5 hours he went to give the patients dinner and medication and then after dinner they designed happy new year posters and then at 8-30 Ron went home to have dinner preparing to come back at 11-30 to watch the fireworks
And wish his patients a very happy new year and then Ron slept from 9-30 till 10-45 and he ran down and got in his car and went to the psych ward 1 minutes late and at midnight
They yelled HAPPY NEW YEAR
And Ron without the telling the patients Ron went to the pub seeing he had New Year's Day off and he got wasted and slept in front of YouTube watching the fireworks from all over the world

He left, and told her to wait.
And she waited.
He found someone.
And she already knew.
It was solitude.
And she didn't know.
He observed.
And she broke herself.
And there he was broken.
And she moved on.
And there he stayed broken.
And she found someone.
And there he found courage.
And there she found the one.
And there he found love, again.
And there she found happiness.
And there, there was a happiness on both of them  again.
And they struggled, and struggled, and struggled.
taking ****** shots, for a temporary numbness to the pain.
They loved again.

After sometime, they met again. sent their regards. and the last drops of their old feelings.

Wake up and use me, with your rapier wit,
that cynical whirlpool of jobbies,
your ****** heid of *****,
the way you address an audience is so funny
and the way you dress, comedy, loose and snooky,
you make me puke, puke, pukey.
******* my fragile mannequin,
oh you have bad breath.

Martin Narrod [Chicago] to Adam Holzrichter [San Francisco, via NYC]*
June 26 2005
Guild Printers Press
122 Bedford
Brooklyn NY, 11211*

I peeled back the polyurethane bandage that wrapped together my two toes where I had dug them into the armoire once again last night. It's a raggedy old mess of green goop like your brother had when he returned from Sicily. Those posters and solipsisms of war, how could we forget, right?

The scene here is really frantic. There's a whole room knotted up with tea heads, loaded up on benzos, looking for green doves or any of the MDMA that came through Fulton Market last week. Mr. Popular is revealing any details, though I expect he'll want more than his own hands throwing around his dining room furniture. I count three days since I heard them through the wall, but I did go out yesterday for a brief walk to buy an 18-pack of ******, just in case I decide to come off the drink for a bit, I do have a blood disease you know that right?

Noon

It was about a month ago, I was at April's house, and I had woken up on the couch, standing up I felt a bit dizzy and realizing I hadn't had a drink of anything for about 12 hours I pulled a Red Stripe from the fridge. I shucked the cap off and put down nearly half of it, it was that cool Jamaica that rocked me man. As I was headed back to the couch I could tell something wasn't right, and that's when it all goes blank- they told me I had suffered a grand mal seizure, sister, brother, and April standing over me with Ouakimbo there too. He gave me those sterile gray straight eyes and a thousand yard stare. Then he popped right up and grabbed my wrist and held it. They put me on a cornucopia of blood thinners and muscle relaxers, it's grand, just ******* grand. I make a fist and my toes wiggle, blink my eyes and my tongue comes out. There is nothing truer than this humanness I now am enjoying. 2 days more they say it'll be before I can go back to the pen and our flat. Geoff just had a baby I read in a post I saw today that Ashley brought in, but i tell you. If you don't bring me a dollar slice from Jack's on Metropolitan you ain't gonna have any of this.

9:00p.m.

First it's cool down the back of the spine, like my bones have unhinged themselves and are resorting their positions to suit a more comfortable order of things. But I repeat, I REPEAT with all SERIOUSNESS. DO NOT TAKE ANY HALLUCINAGINS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - Perhaps I have not explained myself too clearly - Guy is at the ice- the onlyu hope now is some morphine. In dealing with these underwear midettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­tttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii­iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii­iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii­iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiotttt       vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv­vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv­vcccccccccccccc.

O broken and battered beatnik!
My tormented kindred spirit!
  I offer you a hundred lifetimes of my self-condemnation
  How can I deny finding portals to your spirit and soul with such ease any
longer?
  Only now how to reach you out on the physical plane...

Kick down my door painted black so I may crumble in your ****** arms like a poorly constructed sand fortress, sobbing salty tears of regret, wiping snot-nosed drivel onto your cotton-wool blended Ceredigion suit

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

Let me explain the truths of my hesitant trust, battered and bruised -- like affectionate kisses on the cheek with open and closed fists
and childhood neglect turned adult isolation -- like visitations in dank bars with hitchhiking mothers

Let me tell you how I closed my eyes as they saddled up to the roulette table,
Licking their wintery chapped lizard lips, and
  rubbing together their sticky hands
Placing their lucky chip
(free with the price of admission!)
On bets
Red.
    Black.
        Odd.
             Even.
I tried to rig the loaded ivory ball to fall on odds Green, Double Zero
house's edge
                                                              ..­.but...
Momentum lost,
Screams muffled as I saw them
  parade in celebration
Blowing trumpets and twirling batons,
  taming dancing bears in crinoline tutus

What have I done!?
What have I done!?

Punish me no more as I cower in my remorse!
Remove this needle from my tongue!
So I may provide the unheard voice in your narrative gap
When I found you alone, in an empty theatre, heaved there by a
  force so Divine
Never could I have conjured up a Love so true!
  Ohhhh! The tears!

Let us construct resolutions of brick and mortar placed
  hand-over-hand
Become co-conspirators and together
  build parallel neural pathways in our
       Meta-Mind
Our synaptic impulses firing in unison as
One
  neurotransmitter
We'll scribe the words spoken in real time
  pulling inspirations from our restful dreamlands
    coiled together in fetal spoons

I am here!
I am here!

Please grant unto me my only request,
allow me to hermit here awhile in this new warm home where I feel safe       and happy and fearlessly blissful
A quiet refuge
   most needed to rest my Self
Away from siren squawks that
   deafen feather-tufted ears
I may venture out for the news or for weekend browsing in local record         shops, but
      here
is where I reside and come home to you each night
Keep my literal words as a gift only to you
(But please paint dazzling murals with abracadabra brushstrokes, with every colour!)
Do not pass around my sacred scripts of our lore (we've been warned)
My trust is the most honourable endowment you could recieve, please cherish it as you so deserve
Give this unto me and I will give you
           an
        infinite
        well of
       musings
         and a
         legend
            for
            the
           ages!

I love you!
I love you!

O broken and battered beatnik!
Tortured kindred spirit!
  I offer you a hundred lifetimes of my devotion
  Your spirit and soul my course of navigation!
  Using compass and stars, meet me
  Wandering cautiously out on physical plains

I love you!

From the cranium
to the metatarsals.
I dare you to be careful.
Or drown me in ******.

He went from the femur
upwards my symphysis *****.
Looking beyond the cutis.
Or does he wish to view the pure.

Slightly touching with the phalanges
pressure building from the carpal.
Hiding the face under a parcel.
Or is the phase under changes.

Cramps in the tarsals
going up to the tibia.
For him it's a game of trivia.
Or is he fighting marshals.

He bites down into the clavicle
pain and pleasure going to the scapula.
He breaths vernacular.
He and I are flammable.

Bones to break.
What a piece of cake.

Fading,                                       I
remember    the     days    when
you  lingered   in  my  mouth—
like    the     small    yellow    pill
I    placed    under   my   tongue
to dissolve into my bloodstream.

I passed out on
some apartment
steps downtown.
Too much beer and
****** the night before.
two cops wake me,
and take me to jail.
when I got out the
next day,
they gave me my
clothes and property.
I had two ****** left,
and ate them while
changing out of the
tangerine colored jumpsuit.
I stepped into the
bright sunlight,
slipped on my ray-Bans,
nowhere to go.

(In some semblance of order)

(1967 to 1975)

kittens
carpet burns
fear
WGN presents “One-Eyed Jacks” starring Marlon Brando
my grandmother’s basement
slaps from my mother
fear
kicks from my father
fear
Nerf basketball
10CC “I'm Not in Love”
fear

(1976 to 1980)

sunny, cool, fall days
the woods on Sundays
tall green grass
raised red seams on a baseball
fear
Tickle Pink wine
the smell of hashish
the buzz of high tension wires
Stroh's beer, pull tab tall boys
the woods at night
the breeze through the car window
her breath in my ear
fear

(1981 to 1988)

“Footloose” starring Kevin Bacon
Michelob Light in bottles
extra spicy guacamole
fear
“Members Only” black jacket
para mutual wagering
*******
4 seam fastball
fear
the garlic taste of Dimethyl Sulfoxide (DMSO)
a 91 mph fastball
Feldene dissolved in Dimethyl Sulfoxide and applied to my skin via a tongue depressor
my 93.5 mph fastball
the roar of the crowd
fear
October
the swirling light and sound of a west Texas freight train at night in fog
Jesus Christ
fear

(1989 to 1999)

the anticipation of child #1
the birth of child #2
6 hours of uninterrupted sleep after child #3
an 8mm obstructed kidney stone
fear
morphine
fear
Vicodin
fear
sunny, cool, fall days
“The Road Less Traveled” by M Scott Peck
hydrocodone
fear
the woods in fall
thunder
******
fear
the woods in winter
the rumble of Niagara Falls
******
fear
Oxycontin
shame
******
fear
“Ruthless Trust” by Brennan Manning
the woods in spring
The Stanley Cup
fear

(2000 to 2004)

detox
nostalgia of my youth
photos of my children as children
hydrocodone
detox
fear
Jose Cuervo silver tequila
sunny, cool, spring days
Major League Baseball opening day
Jose Cuervo Gold tequila
fear
Chinaco Reposado tequila
the stench of pavement
Gran Patron tequila
the heat of pavement
Herradura Anejo tequila
detox
hydrocodone
fear
Marca Negra Mezcal
detox
AA meetings
Oxycontin
fear
Alice in Chains “Down in a Hole”
detox
nostalgia for opiates
fear

(2005 to 2007)

AA meetings
Camel 99's
her infidelity
fear
photos of my children as children
Camel 99's
the sweet, sweet voice of Martin Sexton
AA meetings
shame
regret
fear
Suboxone
regret
shame
fear

(2008 to 2010)

the tenderness of your touch
a king size memory foam mattress
the tenderness of your touch
Amerique Verte Absinthe
fear
discussions with the dead
the tenderness of your touch
Ray Lamontagne “Winter Birds”
the tenderness of your touch
ablution by Amerique Verte Absinthe
fear
visions of the dead
fear
visits from the dead

(2011 to 2014)

their forgiveness
AA meetings
Camel 99's
my inability to sleep
fear
www.hellopoetry.com
the tenderness of your touch
the tenderness of your touch
the tenderness of your touch
the tenderness of your touch
fear
Centenario Reposado tequila
regret
Tramadol in large amounts
regret
thoughts of you leaving me
thoughts of me being left alone
thoughts of you being left alone
regret

nothing
nothing
nothing

the words I have just written

darkness

fear

As I lay here on my bed and groan
I don't think I can make it all alone
I need a friend someone of value
Hell tonight I'd even take some ******
But instead I'll just toss and turn
And wish of days that I could return
When one small space in time
There was plenty of friends of mine
But I knew then as I do now
That good times fly faster than bad some how

a ***** gets captured in the psych ward



you see today ron is busy when a loudmouth beer drinking ***** has been admitted

after he got in a terrible fight, and charlie chaplin said, howdy and the ***** said *******

YA ****** and charlie said, i was in silent movies, and i think your jealous of me

and the ***** said, silent movies were made a long time ago, and we must focus

on the here and now, ya know, be positive, so to speak, and charlie said who are you?

ands the ***** preferred to stay being ***** because to him *****’s a cool, and

the ***** sat down olly and said, do you know, i am jesus christ and i was really created

by the devil and olly said, no, you are not, i am the one who can tell each others previous lives

and then the *****, said ******* YA ****** and asked ron for a beer, because hev was

chucked out of the club in false pretences, he never laid a finger on that woman in red, you see

they were playing lady in red, and i danced right up to a lady in red, i never touched her

and ron said, did she say for you to stop, and the ***** said, no, buddy, but if she did

i didn’t hear her and ron brought out the lunches which looked discusting, but the ***** still ate it

and yes, he really liked it.   the 2nd harry walked out and said, i am not a pedaphile, i am nice to everyone

and ron said, yeah your nice but i thought i locked your door, because we have a minor here

and we have requests from his parents to keep him away from you, and tommy walked out

and 2nd harry walked up to him and said, boo, and tommy said, my parents are scared of you, not me

and 2nd harry said, ******* ****, you looked very scared last night, and tommy got his keys

and jabbed them in his leg, and draws a bit of blood, and 2nd harry, went over to ron and said

look what your minor did to me, he should be locked up, and ron said, is that why you scare kids

because they jab you with their keys and after lunch ron went on youtube and looked at 2nd harry’s site

to see if there is anything disturbing on it and found nothing, and went out to start a art class where

they write stuff out of them, like olly’s encounter with the ***** this morning, ron thought these people

need to be creative, or try and find their creative side, because ron doesn’t like long stayers except for

charlie and patty, who are being stuffed around by the government and put in here because the streets

was too rough on them, and in the HDU, all weapon like utensils are taken away from the patient, so

charlie and patty are safe, mind you ron wanted to move them to a group house, but the rents were too high

so patty and charlie live in his HDU, ron came back to the HDU to give the ***** a ****** because the drink

was going to his head, making him very angry, but ron, got a bit of muscle man doctors to calm his so he can be sedated

and after the art class with tommy patty and charlie who were the only ones who attended it, ron packed it up

and in 1 hour, he brought the dinners out and 2nd harry had his in his room and the others had it in the dining area

and after dinner charlie and patty as well as olly went to the TV room and the others retired to their bedrooms

and at 7.00 pm, ron brought out the nightly medications, and everyone took theirs, except for the *****, who

claimed he wasn’t mentally ill, he was just a fun loving guy and after the medications, at 8, ron brought out the

supper and then clocked off, bought chinese food, and went home to retire to the couch watching TV.

Imagine falling out of a window or getting in a car crash, break some bones, get a few stitches, scrape some skin
You'll get a cast, few bandages and anesthetic
Now Imagine cancer, a tumorous mass maybe somewhere in your brain or lungs.. not even noticeable to you let alone those around you then some day there's a huge 8 pound mass right in your cerebellum...
Fact of the matter is your body has produced this and it is actually trying too **** you
That is what depression is like
Depression isn't a sudden disaster
You go through your whole life thinking your okay maybe this feeling is just apart of getting  older till one day you wake up and you wish you hadn't.
All you've got is the Oxytocin blues and an appetite for Ritalin
****** to be able to face people and Prozac to make it through the day.
Now can you imagine finding a cure too all the ailments of life, all the hypothetical and real problems.. something even Xanex, opiates or hallucinogens will never allow you really feel.
The essence of another dancing throughout your mind, seeing significance in life even if not yours but that of another.
when you find someone who makes you understand the definition of these words, when you find the one person you can't get out of your mind after taking pill after pill desperately trying to forget them, when you look at someone and can't see a flaw, when your with someone that makes you feel so much all at once that you have to stop and try to remember the last time you've actually been that happy or laughed that hard and can't think of another single moment like the one your in..
You've found your cure.
Some of us don't

To be classifiable, she nervously applies the cake to her nostrils
While splinters stick in her fingertips. 30. To be a woman she
Harvests necrotic insects and dances in Warhol underpants.

I explain how gravity loves the catalogue of your unique hollywood
Romances. Each train takes a new storyline through the ****** treetops
And counterfeit addictions she poises herself in to seem attractive to
Each magazine under her daddy's workbench.

Being a woman is more than big ***** and paint for brains. Some skins Cling to the reels of the love language sprinting through historical Venetian street settings. I smoke ***** with wizards.

For the first time I witness the acatalepsy of the Irish, but narrowly
Passing the beguiling succor that renders the whim of persons
In the acronychal hours.

I'm telling you your hands are my new exoskeleton. I take to you
With the excitement of gravity. New denude photographs of pallor
Fleshes upstay the human trials we are blessed to share in this open sky,
Where I warn the blues of the sky to be jealous of these sciophilous Women who experience the unyielding pressure to feel the pleasures
Our confabulations offer acushla.

Captured in the psych ward



Yeah the new guy was taken straight to solitary as his violent outbursts frightened everyone there at the HDU mainly because he was trying to explain in a violent crazy person way that he wanted to put this shy boy Brett omim on television cause he was worried about mr omim spike to him and you see Brett really liked him but was unaware that he was working for Home and away to study
Characters for future episodes, you see his mum and dad were worried about their son mixing with gnus crazy person but Brett said to his parents ******* and stayed at his house and this man was really angry cause he is one of those people who doesn't want people over, he just wants to play with us and then write his future episodes of home and away and he explained our character like how we look to the public very well, and then Brett saw it written in his house and mind you he didn't want this and said you ain't going to put my life on home and away, csuse if you do I will say that you are so shy and I will torture you with that forever and ever and then he said you haven't got the fucken guts mate and then Brett said come on mike, get into the car I will take you somewhere where you can write as many stories as you like and then mike lander rolling was in the HDU and met Ron cooper and mike said get out of my way, I am a writer for home and away not a dangerous crazy person and Ron put ****** in his arm and took him to the solitary room and it has a TV but mike was having problems especially when Brett charged him with slander and using his profile without permission
And the only time mike was let out of solitary was when his girl Friday came who thought it was cool to talk near the water and Ron allowed that
But made sure a nurse or even him was there so he can't try funny stuff
And the producer of home and away came in to see him and left without taking, well he said one thing and that was, no when I gave you this job
I wasn't asking you to be nosed. And film behind backs no I wanted proper people here and then mike got angry and hit Charlie in the gut and ran straight to his room and Charlie was lying on the ground in real ****** pain and Ron locked mike in saying no more visitors for mike unless they are willing to go in there cause this man is dangerous
And Ron was getting ready to take Charlie to TAFE and George came down and banged on mikes door
Ssying hey you fucken **** I want to bash the **** out of you and then George said I am julius Caesar and I am going to bask you up if you ever get out of here and mike said I am Blackbeard the pirate and I remember frying you on my boat and I will fry you some more and then Ron came back with Charlie and they bought out the sandwiches and
Then Ron got the medications out of the room and gave one by one and Charlie said mate, I am cured, today I found out how to keep silent movies, so that means I am cured and Ron said you wish and gave out the rest of the medications and then clocked off and bought Chinese and went home watched TV and fell asleep in front of the box again


Sent from my iPhone

no rockets in my horizons
except the music in my ears
they wont let me keep my light on
in this ward of terminal tears
wait in line for my ******
while id skip the queue for you
drugs wrap their limbs around me
while i wish that it was you
baby, be my ******,
i'll never miss a dose
i'll wash you down with sweet devotion
say goodbye to all my lows

"Where have you been?"
She asked.
"A little bit here,
a little bit there,
a little bit everywhere."
I said.

The shadows in my brain
That dance with all the pain
Only adding to the strain

The memories that they hold
That they crease and mold
Only leave me cold

The agony holds on strong
That it refuses to move along
Only leaving tears of all that's gone wrong

The shadows in my mind
That are so unkind
Only showing me what they find

Thoughts rambling in an insane manner
Voices mix and clamber
Between it all the static stammer

Leaving me to believe I'm not well
I wear a mask so you can't tell
That I really live in Hell

There is something going on inside my cranium
Maybe it holds to much radium
That must be why I need a ******

My thoughts bumb and scatter
Oohhh something shiny.....does it matter
Uhm I think my head has grown flatter

Pain and agony brought on insanity
Trying hard to grasp the gravity
This situation leaves me in, oh the calamity

Well my gray matter has had enough
I'm calling my life's bluff
Put the gun to my head, it was tough

Blowing that gray matter away
Still won't be enough to sway
The demons will make me stay
In a vegetative way

paper flowers.
mascara smeared eyes.
racing down the
streets and avenues
of your life.
panic, attacks from
every direction.
battered hearts fly away.
there's a moonlit
rainbow in the dark.
pop the pills for the
sweet ****** high.
bound together by
sweet addiction.
take an injection of
liquid nicotine and
mix it with a drink.
infatuation overcomes.
butterfly nightmares,
flutter through the night.
running, alone, sheltered
by the dark of the night.

Don't let me get comfortable,
I could get used to this lifestyle.
Lazy days in the desert sun,
exciting nights with ****** fun.

Toss two hundred dollars on a dinner for 5,
It doesn't mean anything to them.
Don't miss the champagne divot stomp,
with a hat on your head, the heat is tangible.

Days spent with sand between your toes,
a Marlboro lite between your lips,
death on your mind,
all the while the dunes are full of life.

Dream of a girl who comes to you clothed
and leaves you with a guilty feeling of ******.
Don't forget your brandy.

Money is no object,
having enough things to buy is the problem
having people to buy things for is the problem.
****** is a problem.

****** is a problem,
but it seems to solve all other problems,
and when money means nothing,
****** is just a chance to feel.

Or not feel,
the desert doesn't care.
It is beautiful and deadly and will leave you searching for water, and the desert nights are unlike those of the mountains.
The mountains I'm a part of.
The mountains are forgiving, they are loving and caring and will not leave you searching for water, for it is a given.

the whole idea
that you'd had
in three lines
or less
is much less
than a whole
thought.

so don't waste my time
don't waste my space
don't waste my life
waste your own
in lesser thought
and in lesser
idealism
than what's real poetry.

i've never thought
i'd read more ****
posted about some idea
than what i've read
on here
in there
just to pump some ******
deeper into my veins
to calm my nerves
and calm this pain.

I spoke with the Lady today. She said you were coming back. I won't work with you. I refuse to spend my time pining over the likes of you. I don't wish to see you everyday. However, I will not be responsible for your lack of employment. The destruction of all you hold dear, yes. But your unemployment, is beneath me.

"You was told wrong. I have a new job. I like it where I'm at."

WERE. You WERE told wrong. Good God man. Learn proper English. You owe me. If money is not in My hand on the 24th, I'll collect your teeth as payment with that pink shiny bat I carry.

"I'll pay you. You're dark and ****** up. So little and pretty. A Manson Barbie. You need medication you know."

*******. I want what's mine. It's unadvisable to be late. I'll send her every picture, every text. I'll knock on your door during family ******* dinner. No one wants that ****.

"I said I'd pay you back. And blackmail doesn't look good on you. You're insane. Seek help."

I told you I was insane from jump.

"I didn't think you was serious. Have you tried ******?"

WERE!! I didnt think you WERE serious! Look, as much as I enjoy this ***** fit argument, I have important business to tend to. Your gold tooth will look good as a charm on my bracelet, though I prefer silver. Don't be late.

"You're one f-ed up lady. I love you, you know."

Apparently not enough. I can't love. Not you. Not anyone. I gotta go. Until the next explosive ******* bomb, I bid thee adue.....

"