Free will has brought us here,
brought me here,
all the result of breathing.
A consequence of arrogance.
A consequence from alcohol (But not me).
A consequence of neglect.
A consequence of the unknown
explosion at any given moment
from my mother when we
My developed response
a fight or flight my whole life,
the pathway so deep
a bottom doesn't exist.
Like a deep sea diver
the lower I go
the darker it becomes.
Claustrophobia and panic
are almost certain.
becomes more difficult
and returning to the surface
takes slow and steady patience.
I've only gone so deep.
How much further I might go I do not know.
I'm terrified to think what might be down there.
The thought of meeting the unknown face to face is
a fight I fight everyday.
They tell me that fighting gives it strength,
it would be better to befriend it.
I try but
its hard to make friends
in the dark.
As bright as you are
I could give you the sun
and no one would know that you have it
A repost from 2011, more true today than then. I honestly believe I wouldn't be here today if not for my wife's unconditional love and support.. her brightness has been a beacon of hope through some very difficult times..
Mother never had a chance with him,
a dry alcoholic, worse than when wet.
His mind contrived to twist and convince
and manipulate her into submission.
His unrelenting oppression
resulted in her subsequent depression.
We would see snippets of who she used to be
or who she wanted to be but they were
constantly stomped upon by his pestering.
His ideas became hers,
but never sounded like hers.
In no way am I claiming
she was innocent in all of this.
She lacked the will to
stand up to him... Perhaps conditioned
by their 50 years together, rooted in a time
when women didn't object.
When I think back now
I can only feel sorry for her
even though she was far from a loving
and attentive mother.
She had many demons to fight
and little emotional energy left for children.
Any memory I hold of her,
especially ones of her smiling feel oddly fake.
As a young child I was attuned enough to
recognize her smiles as forced and unconvincing.
And now she is gone
And he sits alone
I do not speak to him very often
Because I have nothing to say.
His influence lingers deep
and I hate that part of me.
He used to call but thankfully no more.
He offers no apology for the way he is,
and I am smart enough to not trust him
with anything concerning the way things were.
I have no desire to encourage more abuse.
I only wish that for my mother’s sake
that he were the one to go first.
Perhaps allowing her a little freedom
from a lifetime of him.
On a recent and rare call he told me
he still speaks to her as if she’s there.
Even in death he will not leave her alone.
The end is never the end and steps become stages.
Neuro-transmissions engineered at birth are
erroneous pathways deepened over time.
Retrain the brain they say, neuroplasticity
a new age of hope, but pathways are abyssal
and unscalable, and time is running out..
And what is life's purpose
When your deepest chasm is fear?
Therapy teaches to live in the moment
Experience keeps me seeking atonement
Those places to go to for calming the mind
Are fleeting, elusive and redundantly non effective,
Losing their ability to heal, so few to rely on!
Like a tiny window in a prison cell,
Only a little light is let in but not too often, transient,
Crossing your face for a moment but then gone.
More so a reminder
Of what might have been
Or may never be.
Mountains can't be climbed with moments.
Dreams dissolve quickly upon waking,
The harder you try to hold them
The quicker they are gone.
I wonder if they are real at all.
Small victories in a multi-faceted war
Do not define sobriety.
More demons to conquer
The worst for last perhaps unbeatable.
For a long time I’ve been
straddling a high peak,
One foot on solid ground, the other
bare and slipping on the opposite *****.
But lately I've had both feet
on the slippery side,
hands firmly grasping the peak,
feet spread out below me
spinning and churning, unable
to gather a foot hold.
Though I believe I could hold on forever
I fear of eternity in this state.
I wonder what's the point?
Perhaps to not hurt those who
would be hurt by my letting go.
Or perhaps the hope that
all will be well in due time,
I’ve been trained to believe it.
30 years of scored and numbered ovals and oblongs,
constantly enumerated and venerated,
my little saints are prayers on a candied rosary.
30 years aware of where they are and
when they'd be mine.
No rest with or without.
Nothing will quiet their screaming.
so I walk
and walk some more
at all hours of the night.
The neighborhood dogs know me well,
they no longer bark at me for
I am one of them now,
resigned to pacing fence lines in the dark.
Back home at 3am I stare at the ceiling,
legs spinning and churning,
clawing for the high peak.
When will it pass?
When will it pass?
Tennyson wrote, "It is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all",
though I don't think he actually believed it
and neither do I.
The blue is the middle.
The anti coherent existence.
I’m supposed to watch it from a distance,
separate myself through persistence.
I am unable.
The Blue is my watershed, and loud,
Red left and Green right war at the peak
while the pull from the left is strong.
A rolling storm cloud thick from behind,
I look toward the Green, for the light,
to your face, and the reflection in
your eyes tells me what I already know.
It is gaining.
I cannot escape it.
A tidal wave,
the day before the flu.
The first pang of a kidney stone.
That moment between banging
your knee on a desk and the arrival
of the pain.
A slight delay but
most definitely inevitable.
I am not supposed to be IT.
The darkness is its own entity.
is of itself and not me,
But it tells me it is me
and it is quite convincing.
Without further progress
I am convinced I'll need an exorcism.
Though it seems to be a good idea, it hasn't quite worked for me yet.
In the summer when I was 10
I won my first trophy,
a time when kids earned them
and others went without.
I cradled it in my hands like
the corpse of a baby rabbit,
my sweaty palms staining
the corrugated copper torso.
Father drove us home
in an overwhelming silence
while I sat in the back
with my trophy,
thinking about how
Paul's father twirled
him about in celebration.
I'd never seen a father
hug a son before,
it was strange and alien
in the world I knew,
hell I'd never seen
a mother hug a son,
or even a father hug
a mother for that matter.
The years would bring
many more trophies
and much more silence,
all of which now fills
a worn and tattered
box in my garage,
but leaves me with a
whenever I wonder why
I'm so terrified of