trigger warning:
Hate long poems?  move on.
Love words?  pleasure your self

<=>

drought and famine of the spirit,
over-staying summer
house guests in an overly sun blanched,
voided, white outed, mental abode.

faculties parched,
overly starched,
compositions lost in transition,
why can't they make it ashore?

It's after 2 AM, and though
ferries have stopped running,
mainland hangover hangerons are
working overtime to prevent
"author"izations, so all I get
when I press send is a whole lot of
"permission to cross," denied!

causes of vexation undisguised,
dual natured and manifold,
luxuriating and drowning in home grown,
city organic insipid,
makes one quick to blame
nobody in particular,
but yourself, repeatedly.

reasons many, the distractions of
rustling contradictions populate,
another life road fork looming,
a track record for choosing badly,
colors the blacktop even blacker and
ramps up desires for a janitorial,
but first do no harm, status quo.

Need a beer.
Need a distraction.
Need a homework assignment,
which I buy at the IGA market:

obey the eleventh commandment
which every writer knows;
you think you're Mr. Bigshot,
so pudding prove it,
write it,
one true sentence,
let it be a constitution for all,
with the lengthy consistency,
of a Hemingwayesque,
one true sentence.

dearth to riches occurs
as fast as a basketball
three second violation,
inspiration dripping like
windshield condensation,
got so many true sentences,
how ya gonna choose,

O sinner man?

sadly you don't hear or feel
my background music,
stringed surf sounds playing
Perlman's Mozart low to
the thunderous, sweltering,
swells of applause of
90+ degree heat
w/o a Crescent Beach breeze
to console the disowned

these superheated thoughts
now focused,
emerges a bill of sight,
lading my heart's many heresies,
staccato thoughts now,
rapid fire rebel,
a pre-discourse insurrection,
voices of words lash out -

pick me - immortalize me,
I wanna be,
a constitution for one,
one true sentence.

The Moment of Ownership.

Hillel did it,
standing on one leg,
a Sanskrit mantra,
not by me,
not for me,
not through me,
even more succinct.

full clarity unobtainable,
begin when fighting thru
the static of each nerve,
knowing that
each thought,
each emotion,
is a constitution
of sorts,
recognizing life is a series of
moments of ownership,
but that are truly ours
only when relinquished.

each one, a true sentence
when writ, spoke,
but only when disabused
of notions of possession
only true, when gifted away.

Lucian Freud painted those whom
he knew best, their portraits,
fully clothed but wholly naked,
a painter of revelation
thru the skin tones of the flesh.

exposeur of skins interior
displayer of old and ungainly,
left us eyesight more true
than an honest mirror,
with poetic brushstrokes overlay,
gained entry to what his
grandfather named id and ego,
artist's superego, his reflections,
a continuous judgment
on a pool of stretched canvas
that makes me despair that:

I will ere succeed
to cross the borderline
that modernity insists upon,
self preservation, neurotic fears,
impositions on my psyche and
that my moments of ownership
will be n'ere be stamped "transferred."

I take back my life,
by giving it away
this alphabetized self portrait,
a wrinkled sketch of me,
my ownings, undertakings
needs taking by you
so I can disown it.

these words are my own,
their conjunction is a
junction to you,
and a constitution for me.

once this expiation
is in your purview by the voted
election of Send,
bonded by a mutual
Moment of Ownership?

so net net,
bottom line,
these are my
one true sentences,
summarized, constitutionalized:
I am yours, for the taking,        
so come by, for and through me,
in many moments of ownership.

p.s. let us shelter together in place, an island growing

My body burns to rove far from man-made
buildings, prisons for the modern soul.
I need to traverse the frontiers white man stole
from those who made it their home.

I've been down to the Everglades of Florida.
Fan boats flew through the estuary lines with roots
of mangroves. I've been to the Hoh Rain Forest of
Washington where fog descended on the shoreline
and married the sulfur smell rising from hot springs.

I must experience America's coast to coast beauty.

Every spare seconds I spend luxuriating in the
sun, thinking of all the places untouched.
My list of desires grows as the glaciers
of Glacier recede in Montana, beckoning
me to the Rocky Mountain Peaks.

Old Faithful gushes, surrounded by wolves and grizzlies.
Someday I'll cross Yellowstone's expansive mountain ranges.
from Idaho to Montana to Wyoming. On the arches of
Utah I'll face my fear of heights and find solace at
the tops of time-layered sandstone towers.

Descending the Grand Canyon I'll study beautiful
colors exposed by years of erosion. In winter
Death Valley will be braved. The lowest and direst point
will exhilarate me with scaled creatures as sand
dunes whisper my name with every hot breath.

The Badlands of South Dakota will hope I come
backpacking through prairies to watch precious bison roam.
California Redwood trees and I will stand side by side
as friends. Yosemite will call me to her cliffs and I will chase
waterfalls and sequoia groves until I've seen it all.

I ache to explore the terrain that bears
my name, the country I call home.

Her shoulder rose like the moon
above the black velvet of bolero jacket
She took his arm, his eyes--
An apogee
She took the room
in reverence

So slowly
shed the mountains
shed the light
hand to touch their wonder
Gazing after
her noiseless ascent
which never happened
while they watched....

Pearls—
roll against warmth
luxuriating offspring
cool encircling
contents iridesce
their energies’ warning:
Nothing quite that simple
Nothing quite that still

Nothing like the opulence
on the Proud Eve of catastrophe

Pearls—
caught in the lining
of what never happens the first time....

She heard them before she saw them
rip their orbits!
fission her universe!
in the mezzanine of the symphony hall
Pin ball in the Fun House
Bingo bounce
off—
the hardwoods of space....

Universal Theory of Scatter?
Even now I can still hear the clatter
of their round smooth souls
in the doorways of distant relatives

How could I know?
You would condemn me
to find them all?

My hunger for you never wanes
your, smell, touch, look send me aflame
my lips bruised after being crushed by yours
my thirst quenched by drinking you in,
my need as robust as your thrusts,
my cravings, like a ****** in need of a fix.
Immersed in you, luxuriating in you,
knowing you, has starved and saved
my soul.
Amongst the smell of lust and lechery
Dante watches, he watches my soul.
Purgatorio, penitent I walk within flames to purge myself of lustful thoughts and feelings.
Dante's Inferno. Souls of the sin of lust are blown about in restless hurricane winds, I feel the wind at my back. Howling.
A symbol of my own lack of self-control to my lustful passions
in this my earthly life.
Just be with me when we are judged, together we can prove our
Love

Nothing So Sensuous


Last night, I went back in time and met Alice Liddell in 1862.  
Alice Pleasance Liddell, known for most of her adult life by her married name, Alice Hargreaves, inspired the children's classic Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, whose protagonist Alice is said to be named after her.  See her, greet her, in my banner photo, and all will clear.
~~~~~~~~~

nothing so sensuous
as to watch a woman,
nay, a woman child,
brush her hair
in the mirror.

sensuous,
more than sensual,
all my senses
affected.

luxuriating in a gift that
cannot be
bought,
her head titled,
then thrown
from her chest as far back,
your eyes see waves
of chestnut in
slow motion,
the smile on her face
for the knowing that
she has
sorcerer succeeded
in capturing
all of you.

mesmerizer,
she languidly strokes
her hair,
though it needs it not.
no, she brushes you
to your
knees,
your eyes,
see her eyes,
in the mirror,
the woman's sensuality
maddening.

every sense alerted,
you body fired,
far beyond
merely stirred,
she has you,
and then she asks...

would you brush my hair?
have you ever been in love?
have you ever had to tell someone
you no longer loved them
though you still did?

you answer:

Oh yes, Oh may I?

yes, with you totally, at this very instant.

yes, for I
must leave you
and return to
my time, my age,
150 years from now

the only way
I can do that
is to lie to myself,
no, I do not love you
that much,
not that way,
pretense,
for the agony of this

impermissible desire

is such ecstasy,
that I can
only dare to
write of it,
in my time,
lest I fulfill
it in ours.

A journo aware, equally at home in Palaces, Halls or the streets
Trained to vision duplicity slants and angles and know the crux
Able to see the story behind the story behind the story and more
In ethics robed proudly while mendacity and shenanigans cry shy
Show me the Dai Lama in a crack den or Bill Gates ******* in Goa

Semi demi illiterates with joined-up thinking or unthinking
Immatures lacking emotional intelligence or gainful statures
In groupthink mired settles on group delusions in vicissitudes
We're programming or flooding seeds of doubts or confusing
As if maladroit fantasies are gospels not simpletons' chicanery

Dismissives sad dolts duly outflanked and outclassed inherently
Ignoramuses crude and coarse in true form lacking introspection
Wear disgrace proudly in persistence and parade idiocy fittingly
Strength in numbers neither nullifying stupidity or indignities
Indulgent cowards and sick gate-keeps of unearned entitlements

Nonentities, rabble rousers shamed vigilantes in emotional dearth
Claiming and luxuriating in the depravities of their deficiencies
I remain what I am and no apologies necessary for august status
Your diminutive deeds merely reflects your statures and intellects
Little minds already condemn you to suicides of real aspirations



CopyrightLaurenceA6thNov2018.allrightsreserved

anxiety: my heart wakes me up, tattooing irregular beats against
my ribs, pulse racing, breath shaking.  i cannot tell
if this is real or psychosomatic.  these days,
i think about death all the time,
no longer by suicide.  now, i am
an accident waiting to happen,
fragile from years of misuse &
neglect.  the shallow inhales
of my lungs tell me
i am not okay.

depression:  this is a gray day.  i swallow my meds even though
they take away my mania.  so i drink black coffee until my mind
races itself in circles, chasing its tail like a rabid dog.
i keep the razors hidden in my sock drawer,
just in case.  

anorexia: my ribs ****** forward from my skin again, the sharp
protrusion of my bones beginning to show through.  i am eating
but drinking my weight in water
& mainlining caffeine to keep my metabolism high & my weight
low.  i am still child-sized & i don't want to grow.  
they lift me easily with their arms & marvel
at my featherweight body.  
the compliments i get only make me
eat less.

self-harm: on the days when i am low, i trace
the silver stretch of scars scattered over my skin
with a yearning for a blade between my fingers
just one last time.  i swear to you, the bleeding is over,
but i need to know
i am still brave
enough
to hold a sharp edge against my flesh
& press down,
hard.

addiction: a month ago,
i downed four adderall in one sitting,
luxuriating in the heady rush & lack of pain,
the quiet & the calm.
when i lived at home, i stole
my mother's vicodin & took the whole bottle.
i'm not sorry.  
when the boy who only cared about ******* me
offered mdma for free,
i accepted, but i shouldn't have trusted him
to keep me safe,
blacking out on his kitchen
floor.
drink red wine to forget
my insecurity, inhale
thick, sweet smoke to feel
some semblance of happy,
drag on cigarettes
down to their filters
until i feel properly
alive.

all i want is to be better, but
where to begin?

Two o'clock sober
might still be hungover
you're begging for my tongue while I beg for your love.
I never thought I'd love like this,
one-sided and founded on ever unstable lust. I shouldn't even call this love,
I think it's love and I think you're just in it for a ****. Writing
poems about you is "hard" because I can't admit
what I can't bring myself to say out loud. You told me your secrets
and I swallowed the seeds, letting your admissions
bloom inside of me.
How could I have been so stupid? I should have known
you would plant a garden just to leave.
Girls made of gardens wither without affection
I must not be your favorite flower. I don't think I ever was
but you keep coming around just to see my petals unfold
every spring and I let you leave dew drops all over me

We've done this before. Lines and rows of blooming pinks and red,
scratches, finger prints, bruises, hickeys, marks that fade
after a few days. No matter how many days it's been, weeks, months
we find our way back to the patch of wildflowers
where we first decided to make love.
There will always be changes to the scenery and
I can't think of anyone else that I would plant myself anywhere with.
One of us is always leaving but somehow the wind blows us back home.

I'm not religious anymore but the Ten Commandments
seared inside of my psyche flash
before my eyes and I hear myself repeating
"Thou shalt have no other gods before me"
while I make myself ****** to the pictures you sent me. One night,
I wrote everything about you that I idolized in big letters on lined paper
and ripped it into squares. I twisted the paper bits
into your godly shape and whispered
your name as I dropped you into a floral candle and let the flame
eat your tiny body. Have you ever felt crazy?
Have you ever been so in love that it makes you crazy?
Until you've made a lover into an effigy
and tried to force your passion for them to rest
by cremating their paper remains
I don't know if you understand how close love and crazy really are.

I swear. I swear, I'm done.

But I'm not done. I pretend to forget
the way your name feels for a while, I pretend to idolize
other things but when you appear
uninvited to my dreams I can't forget the things I've seen. You kiss
my forehead as midday sun
settles on my skin and a garden of roses
start to bud where you've planted love. You pick the most precious one
and when you cut the stem I **** awake, facing the candle
where I tried to destroy what I thought of you. I don't know
why I see you everywhere and I don't know why
I keep asking questions that I'll never have the answers to.

Once you're actually here my laugh bubbles
from my throat and chrysanthemums and lilacs and daisies
fly out. When you kiss me I swear I feel ivy
entwining itself into my hair and my eyelashes grow tuberose.
I bloom with you and when you leave I become winter, waiting for you
to tend me. Every day with you is spring
and I know exactly how fast the seasons change. "Thou shalt not covet"
but god, I want you
I want you to trust me with everything and I want you to sow more seeds.
I can't tell you the last time I read my bible,
I thought it didn't have a hold over me anymore but I want you
to choose me and I don't want
to feel like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak anymore.

I've been thinking
about touching you
for so long
And now that I am
it feels euphoric

Your skin,
as soft as
I remember it

I melt into your words. I catch the flame
flickering on my bookshelf
where I burned your likeness and look into your eyes
flashing my most devilish smile.
You're back in my room and you've covered my body with sticky honeysuckles
and forget-me-nots. You, imperfect as anyone else but I see you
like you're some walking god. You, human as me. Your hands
left prints of hibiscus on my skin and when you leave
I open my diary to the page where I pressed cherry blossoms and maple
leaves and they fall as I write about how happy I am to see you.

"I just don't think that men like you like women like me who have moonstone eyes and crazy day dreams, women who dot their poems with inky pearl tears, pressed poplar leaves and, well, I wanted to write you a poem but I can’t think of any creative words. I want you to read how beautiful you make me, how your eyes drink me in, how I overflow for you. I want you to feel the conflict in my heart... so rarely that I see you but every time we reunite we are even better than the last. I don't know if you want to read it but I want to write you a poem. I want to write you a poem that makes you cringe because I write with honesty. I want you to feel the rhythm of my words the way we feel the rhythm of our bodies. You should be happy to inspire someone’s poetry. You, you don’t love me. And that’s fine, because I’ll always look back at you and see sunshine streams on your skin."

My room is all white and pink, floral print and my African violet.
You look perfect in the rosy glow
of my feminine sanctuary and I feel so appealing,
I trust you enough to show you everything, I say, luxuriating the words in the sunlight.
I want to absorb this moment to keep me warm. When I lay alone
thinking of drifting to sleep in your arms, it is this moment
with you around me,
the way you kiss my face like I mean something to you
and this is the place I go, when I swear
all of this means nothing to you. Doesn't everyone want to feel home?
Maybe I think being with you feels like the kind of home
with a nice garden I want to live in. Maybe you feel it too.

Maybe I'm reading too far into everything
and not saying enough of anything
maybe both of us say nothing hoping the other will
be the one to admit the feeling
but you, as soon as you leave and I tell myself I’m done. Swearing
I've burned up the last of you, I’ll never do it again.

I can't stop thinking about you

And I'm back thinking about you, too.

We sat cozily on the couch listening to Miles Davis
She, curled up with a glass of Chardonnay, me, a warmed brandy snifter
It seemed an eternity since we made time for each other like this
We enjoyed our home in silence, absent our attention grabbing offspring at Grandma's.

I savored the scent of her lavender infused body snuggled in my arms
Her beautiful brown eyes reflected flickered light
The candles we transplanted from our earlier bath, burned slowly
And "Kind of Blue" transported us as we held each other.

"May I have a sip of your brandy?" she asked coyly with a smile on her face
"Of course," I handed her my glass
"Not from your glass," her smile turned into a mischievous grin
The vanilla and oak from the brandy permeated the air above the gulp I took into my mouth.

My heart rate increased, my eyes closed, and our smiles met pressed together; Heaven is real...
Her lips parted, she pulled the brandy from me along with my tongue that now danced with hers
The fire of the brandy that left my mouth warm, now slid down her neck in one smooth swallow
We took great care in kissing each other, sensuously, passionately, time stood still, for us.

Luxuriating in this kiss, a tear fell from her eye, met only with the tears that fell from mine
As our mind's eye recalled the love we have endured over these adventurous years together
Brandywine never tasted this divine as from the lips of my beautiful lover
Lightheaded, more so from her than from the alcohol, I smiled and held her closer to me.

"I Love you Husband!"
"I Love you more Wife!"

-----ChawzzyScript

i am in a world, a dream world
my eyes are closed but i am awake
this world is so close to the world i have always dreamt of living in...
i can feel the joys and sorrows of life
yet it's so different from the world i am living in
i want to be a part of this world ,forever
Here i am , with my eyes closed, my mind relaxed
i can think what i want to,i can feel what i want to and i can desire what i want to...
it's a pleasure to experience this...
i am luxuriating in this world of mine,
with no hassles, no obstacles,
no tension,no frustration,
it's just a world of xpectations and negotiations.
with my eyes closed, I can feel the outer world,
the one blessed with fakeness,mistrust and selfishness...
but i am proud to have a world of my own,
that inspires me to create wonders in every world that i step into...

The white sparrows are luxuriating in the furrows of glory, bringing diamond sheaves of beauty in the marrow of a golden morning.

Every leaf turning a golden flower with jewelry petals in explosion of beauty in transcendence of the sun of incandence!

Harvest in rushing armada, riding on wings of ginomous glory.

It's a bountiful spring with colorful opulence in overflow of wonders, burying the venomous autumn in flaming death!

As He And I take a dip into each others solar eclipse  
He sips from my faucet that drips
and not the one located between my thick thighs and hips
but from the truth that flows from the softness of my lips.
In that moment he Indulged in Truth's kiss.
As he was overcamed by a state of bliss.
Thats when He knew That God must Exist.
Now to him I say this.......
"Lets Go beyond Us
As I allow you Undress my Conscious
Make love to my thoughts
As you diminish my distraughts
Lick my intelligence to taste the saccharine nectar of my Essence
As I give you this mental *******
You will be headed in the right direction
And there will be no need for a ****** for our protection
Just dive into my purely unadulterated love and affection
Make your understanding stand at attention
Stick your knowledge in my head's dimension.
Giving me all its been missing
as I not only hear but Inventively listen.
Love me good and so deep
That upon me your heart begins to seap
And My my eyes begin to weap
Make my cerebellum ****** until it reaches its peak.
Keep going deeper until you hear all the words I dont speak.
Have you found the Subtance in which you seek?

See into the depths of my soul until you see A light of shimmering glittering Gold.
Touch my psyche with a gentle caress.
Until you uncover the glory of my nakedness.

now its spiritual fire burning with Red hot flames from within inscreasing my soul's desire.

I let him see the quintessential part of me that in just a short time I had courageously bared.
And He allowed me to breathe in the fresh air from his atmosphere
As I tasted his words like freshly cut herbs
And He explored all my bountiful roads to learn all my turns and curves
As he Disect my unwritten literature to understand my creative verbs.
We fly beyond the clouds like 2 lovebirds.
I have become the many pages of his diary
As he shares his most private moments between him and me so secretly.
I feel like my my world is being pulled into his force of gravity.

And yet the question I ask is,"Is he into me?"
But I can already answer that by his his energy.
While he's staring into my eyes endlessly.
My universe has been shaken by the waves of his charismatic frequency.
As we are luxuriating in our Unfiltered Raw level of Intimacy.

She lays in the burning lake
Of trepidation
Luxuriating in its purity
Inhaling the smoke
Of ageless memories
As her flesh begins to sink
Down into the liquid
Losing its consistency
To the easy fluidity
Of endless regret
Hoping for the end
To taste as fiery
As the first glimpse
Of registered consciousness

His hazel eyes
invites me inside his desires,
unrelenting chemistry,
bright dimensions of bliss
rousing my soul
with his deep and tender affection,
his gratifying vibe
that eliminates my doubts
about exploring the unknown
and feel your strength
sway inside my system.

He transports me
to the most breathtaking places,
writing poetic songs on my skin,
bringing me into the beat
of his immersive world,
a chocolate love that comforts me,
enhances his inspirational messages
to me as I luxuriate in his warmhearted embrace.

It's the age range that strikes me, sitting here in the semi darkness, in Norfolk, in the Show Ground.

It's the age of the sky - the view consistent with years past, but fresh each day, each minute, ever changing and ever moving through star-scapes which shift as we speed through created space, spinning and moving on on voyages into the unknown, through brave new skys created for us to stretch our legs: us little space people, tumbling with nothing holding us up or down.

It's the age range - the trees standing for centuries,  the insects breathing their last before tea time,  and human kind, kidding ourselves that we're in control of all we survey, when the truth is quite different.

It's the age range -  the kids in their first year fascinated by all they see; school age children, waiting to be amused and vocal when parents fall short; teens fascinated by themselves and curious about boundaries;  young adults finding what lies beyond is just as amazing and just as laborious as they imagined;

and then the middle (and not so middle) aged, sporting practical footwear, factor 50, and voicing their conviction that they've moved the facilities further apart this year.

It's the age range of the new day generation - stretching from nought to mid eighties, all under canvas or luxuriating in caravans that, like their occupants, have arguably seen better days.

It's the age range and God's infinite patience with all of us, as he guides our paths, through space, through fields and through our years seeking him and through what he has prepared along the paths yet trodden - whether in practical boots, flip flops or crocks.

It's the age range that reminds me that we're all one generation as far as Father is concerned, cos we're all his children with no room for grandchildren in this family of God, in this field, under this sky that he created for weeks like this.

July 28th

My sister’s birthday for some it was the day they fell this is my vision of what they have been doing time
Setting before and in the presence of the almighty luxuriating in the love and peace that flows with such
Thickness it is equivalent to being in great depths as the sea can you feel yourself stretched to the limit
With the thrill of joy and love it continues from the poorest poverty now to the richest place no one has
Ever known and then the words are heard I go to prepare a place for you Jack and Terry look over their
Shoulder the two mansions they have been working on in fact Jack still has gold dust on his hands he
Just Finished laying gold leaf around the edges of lavish windows so when his family walks up to the
Mansion to visit the glorious light of the savior that will be the light of that city will catch the gold and
Gleam it will shimmer it will stir the heart that already is singing and is intoxicated a soul no longer at a
Loss it has wondered through long aching years now it has taken the final steps that has called without
Ceasing but fell on deaf ears as they sought material gain now they are at the center of all material but it
Is meaningless it is an afterthought now the heart surges with the everything and all that it ever every
Craved and desired there is not one empty place total fulfillment reached no dreams unrealized now all
There is to do is work on the details more work on the windows with love he etches the top and side of
The windows with gold stories unfold in briefest details one scene a small town a street that captures
Time and place a family and a store is showing richest wonder pulls from the edges it is the warmth that
Isn’t derived from fire but from hearts that are glowing and are bestowing the essence of human life
Mother father children the creator’s breath did blow with tenderest thought he gathered the very
Meaning of life into a ball and tossed it out it fell in the earth deep foundations were formed that were
Seeds that would produce countries and nations then the gold etching arched showed some members
Would lose their flesh coloring and pulse with whitest stature and rise to the heavens now thoughts can
Be held in your hand transposed on window glass stop time and flow with power over limitless space
Speak Welcome family to your future home it will erode formidable engagements and plans that
Seemed so Important they will be show to be frivolous nowhere is it ever been said build for a future
That will be Complete here it does say we will be kings and priests terry must believe it the mansion he
Was seen Working on named properly Ivy he isn’t over powered by his location but you walk into this
Huge area you are stunned into awe and reverence round like a temples dome but stain glass windows
Create a Soft darkness the crystal cathedral is taken a step further but here the color pieces that make
Such Wonderful pictures are actually fine gems at least in temperament terry leans toward being a
Priest Like the padre at the Jolon mission in California he had that quality that lifted himself above self
But you felt Christ shinning forth I felt the same other worldliness pouring out from a prisoner he wore
Prison garb but he was more free than all of them including the warden what dazzle in the extreme
Did occur when the glory light hit those colors vividness showed on the pastoral scenes and then the
Bible accounts of assured victories in impossible situations when God was fully trusted what a fortress
Of thought it creates it isn’t near completeness but Terry has found a passion that truly has no end
You can go from the sublime to the realness of life in truly the priest like life you build trust and knowing
In those that are not as strong and need reassurance they build on that which is without end where true
And all life finally begins

let me be free
to wander the starry skies
and to swim the fathomless deep

let me fly
feeling the heavens within my hair,
allowing my soul to be naked
soaking decadently
in the the ink of the nights sky

let me grow
with wanton abandon
breathing under water
tasting it's warm silk
luxuriating in it's depths

allow me to taste the earth
and the sun and the stars
let me fill my soul with it's wonder
making me whole

let me have the air that i need
and my ribs expand
let my hands be unshackled
as my blood flows with a rush

and i will belong
to you

holding me with only your eyes
i will remain
for all of my days
and be devoted
like a child that has found god
within their hands

I wandered in the supreme fantasies
of your fragrant and fruitful forest,
into the sparkling door of your marvelous core,
engulfed in your romantic harmonies,
in your rhythmic body,
luxuriating in your superlicious masculinity.

I played your fierce song of superior love
breathing the notes into my soul,
coasting through the rhyming realms
of your lickalicious physique,
holding onto the dreamtime beat,
feeling your steaminess stream
through my ship so gloriously.

Forlorn; bereft of golden
(slippered) opportunities I weep;
Three score and four years
replete with mailer daemons,
hence mindset adrip
with self denouncing expletive filled bleep
unwritten expressed recriminations
wielded upon figurative head of wimpy blip;
decades elapsed at light speed clip
as the world turned days of mein kampf

exhibited slow psychologically
torturous analogous intravenous slow drip
during emerging adulthood
approximately half life of mine,
when yours truly painstakingly
besotted with unrequited love
accursed extreme introvertedness
severely hobbled coping ability
gifted at birth with congenital weakness
mama's boy lacked ways and means
integrating himself among peers,

no supportive services to equip
shy lonely lad devoid of fellowship
palmar hyperhidrosis affected slippery grip
in tandem with being diminutive
aiming to experience childhood's end forever
son of a gun flailed with dating later in life
compromising, forsaking, and issuing
counter productively undermining
potential heterosexual relationships
invariably shooting from the hip.

Eight different prescription medications
allow umpteen combinations to yield
against bombardment that fate doth wield
delivered, signed and sealed
courtesy the grim reaper
able, eager, ready and willing
to maneuver across pitted minefield
accessing exiled soul whisking same
to idyllic place named Edenfield.

Oftimes methinks how cessation to breathe
spirit buoyed aloft, where garlands wreath
to escape hell on Earth,
where neurosis and psychosis seethe
within mine sixty plus shades of gray matter
symbiotically flourishing at expense of sanity
case in point being:
anxiety/ panic attacks
obsessive compulsive behavior,
schizoid personality disorder,

long in the tooth fellow
his sustenance similar to pablum
constituting imperial diet of worms
of the Holy Roman Empire -
called by Emperor Charles V
fit for grown baby,
especially when removing dentures
cuz he must resort to eat soft foods
unless by some miracle I teethe
for the second time.

Homegrown destructive force
muscles, tussles, wrestles,
et cetera within me
likened to (but separate from) Intifada,
(thus no insinuation this wordsmith
linkedin to any militant group)
grips mine soul asylum,
a recalcitrant doppelganger
within windmills of my mind
doth insidiously, poisonously,
and unpleasantly drum
palpably affecting writer
of these words to feel glum.

No respite whether I repose
in deep slumber or lightly awake
inescapable melancholic woes
haunts these lonely bones,
whereby system of the down
houses reticent persona constituent feature
characterized courtesy anhedonia
linkedin with passive suicidal ideation
accentuated when severe crisis erupt
analogous to smoldering volcano.

Fortunate for me the missus keenly aware
plus (despite every now and again
contention between us),
she makes crystal clear
communicating her displeasure
mixed with genuine fear
bantering deadpanning facetiously
gallows humor I half heartedly asseverate
gibberish spouting jargoneer
gravely alarms wife helpless to orienteer

conversation away from my demise,
thus figuratively switch horses
in mid stream and jockey
to calm her down
and lightening verbal exchange
by ******* from the waist down
revealing laughing stock of skinny legs
(easily mistaken for spindleshanks)
poking thru underwear
charging on imaginary steed

feigning being loco
despite NOT smoking ****,
energetic cavorting courtesy
nursing high test coffee,
nevertheless ineffective battling fatigue
despite flitting to and fro,
hither and yon bumbling along
(skeletal) joints of mine smoking hot
suddenly after sipping strong brew,
I temporarily shuck off lethargy

long enough break to out dancing
while simultaneously overtaken
to sing a song of sixpence
while wings flutter at the speed of sound
buzzfeed appetite for consumption
Ecclesiastical History of the English People,
one of our best-written sources
for early English history
authored by Venerable Bede.

Procrastination is the fundamental definition of what it means to be human.

Reality isn't patterns of phenomena perceived as such in accurate fashion; it's a collection of loosely coupled mind hacks that cut corners around certain blargh redundancies that need not apply. why? in order to create create create.

This is true fitness, in evolutionary terms:

to out-lazy Neanderthal, and in doing so grow an imagination which could then - by simply lying down in the grass and gazing up at that lingering monochrome blue sky, with cicadas thrumming, smells of summer bursting saccharine - engage the senses at a glance; and without even knowing it, effortlessly bring about the very notion of the wheel, or fire or propulsion systems of rocketry that will bring us home, from scar to star again.

Luxuriating in the elimination of the quotidian reasserts the ability to imagine something other, something stranger, something so utterly complex that it squares itself and leaps exponentially forward like weird origami in pirouetted flux.. You know that feeling when you surprise yourself and do something epic? That. This is novelty at its finest. This is not just another life living. This is worth rolling out of bed for. That is worth the thousands small paper cuts wielded by -their- ordinary.

.. Of course, this hypothesis is completely bias, because I am almost pathologically procrastinatory. I'd rather write or space out or listen to a YouTube lecture on tree consciousness or supersymmetry or whatever..

The usual day without hiccup bores me to death; no, it scares me to the point of whispering death wishes out into the ether. I fear it like nothing else. Tasks? No. Obligations? Noooope. Running errands? How about I melodramatically run this sword through me first? I'm exaggerating of course, but kinda not really that much.

I'm horribly afraid of being known through and through, made simple, like an amoeba microscoped or a god put in a book. I'd rather not be reduced to maintaining widgets for the financial suits who rock cuff links which eclipse the GDP of Somalia, thanks.

I feel like bliss -is- somewhere out there in the void, like a blank white page with a blinking indigo cursor, full of potential, just waiting to be written on; rather than some subject of some religion or some subject of some state, waiting to be written down.

I feel like there's so much work to be undone, and so little infinity.

It's all been said before
Those adjectives that flatter
Alongside each noun
Taking them out of their jar
For special occasions
Sweetened words that paraphrase
They've all been said before
But when you show up
Unannounced at my door
Putting your hands on my face
Tracing every ****** plain
To memories embrace
When you run your fingers
across each vertebrae
Luxuriating in my map
Only then
Will you be mine

a pocket of calm, luxuriating in the places
you've left in your wake. a sour aftertaste
burning the roof of my mouth.

my eyes trace the lines of a sunset
you, in this moment with me, would have forgotten me entirely;
dropped all else to watch.

(the same way i watch you sometimes, accidentally pausing to wonder.)

your hand curls around mine like
a frond in a forest,
quiet. filled with peace and steady promise and a certain tenderness
not easily found in a
busy sweaty world of poorly painted hallways.

whenever we play cards
i know we'll lose. your giggle gives everything away,
unveils all your secrets, even if they are just ink on paper.

(i love to listen, get lost in new distortions, new perspectives on your joy. . . sometimes i wonder if you see that i'm lost, that you recognize the way i give myself to you fully)

your chaotic, full-eyed wonder is
why i see you

platonically, of course, we both agree vehemently

denying all accusations!