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Becca Lansman Nov 2015
When he tells you he is sorry, do not hand him the feast.
Do not make him dinner like he never tore the tablecloth out from under the dishes.

You are not a menu item.

remember that his love is not a reward.
You are not a reward.

You are dinner for one.

Remember how you pulled yourself up on shore. Taught yourself how to breathe again.

You are no longer drowning.

you are the beach, you are the lifeguard, remember how you saved yourself.

Remember to say no.
Say it in the dark, whisper it in his ears, remember your body is not a love letter; it is not a vacation home.

When he says, “ I love you.”
 Do not mistake his lust for affection.

Remember how he ate pieces of your heartbeat one at a time? turned you into a carcass?

Made you believe you were road ****.

Remember how you put yourself back together? Mending each stitch carefully. Embroidering your heartbeat back one lull at a time.

You are still sewing.
You are still making dinner but it is ok.
It is ok to eat dinner by yourself.

It is ok to say no.

Tell him, you only made enough for one tonight.
Amanda Sep 2018
Choked back sobs this morning
Told you how I felt
How happy I sensed we could be
You could not feel my words melt

Speeding down my mouth, fragile sounds
Through the phone, nowhere to go
Regret hanging over the shallow line
Vivid memories draped in voices known

Keeping calm yet magnetized
Love immense but difficult to hold
Perfect coincedences forced together
We clicked, now disaster unfolds

An easy connect-the-dots picture
Even in our most trying parts
Direct and to-the-point with problems
So vague and uncertain when it came to our hearts

Unyielding respect given freely to you
My mind is still treated with none
Seems the universe decided
You were the more deserving one

At least that is what it looks like
Life plays clear favorites, unaware
Reasons behind actions hard to explain
No such thing as "just", "right", or "fair"

Love enjoys teaching lessons
Family and friends used as tools
Whether we choose to lose or gain
Is how to tell who among us are fools

All these painful mistakes I ponder
Have shown how beautiful Earth is
Intoxicated, only have oxygen collected
Found a breathless high in natural hits

Do you comprehend what I am saying?
Pushing away with lies
Easily hurt by careless deceit
Stop torturing with your eyes

Stop using me like a pawn
Done getting my heart broken
I trusted you and you watched me drown
Let me fall into your stormy ocean
Maybe if the tide was going out instead of smashing onshore we would have ended up someplace with a more pleasant view..
Alexys Marie Mar 29
the waves still crash
the tide still pulls me
and when I’m drowning
he still holds me
refusing to let go
whispering the air to my lungs
he breathes

“hope floats”
Phil Riles Aug 2018
When you’re left with more questions than answers, When you’re mind suddenly becomes a war zone With your soul on the front line, it’s like land mines of temptation planted to detonate every time, with every...mis-step, when your thoughts align with this flesh, You slowly drown In a swamp of distress/But out of this mess I receive the hand of the lifeguard for my soul, Pulling me out of this self deprecating toll...
Monica Jul 22
*** on the beach
Sand between our toes
Hearing the sound of the waves
As we both moan
Turned us on even more
Living out his fantasy near the Pacific Ocean
In this cold temperature our bodies bring warmth
Beach regulations doesn't prohibit this act
Placing kisses on my lips and around my neck
No lifeguard on duty
As he drowns inside me
Wetness of the ocean couldn't compare
We live for these moments for him and I to share
Anya Aug 2018
if i were to try to drown in my sorrows
would you dive deep and be my lifeguard
if i became mute so no one could hear my thoughts
would you listen to my unspoken words
if i died one more time to bury my hurt
would you uncover my grave and take away the pain
if i fought my fight and won the battle
would you celebrate my victory
if i said i loved you for the last time
would you say forever and always until you die
if i were to keep asking these pointless questions
would you still leave me unanswered hoping for more time
The look in your eyes
Became my demise
I get carried away
I can't hear what they say
The feelings still there
The butterflies everywhere
I'm melting inside
From you, I can't hide
I don't know if it's real
I don't know how you feel
This isn't me
I'm lost at sea
This lifeguard can't save me
I think I'm going crazy
He has my devotion
But I'm drowning in your ocean
Joshua Dominguez Jul 2018
**** when did waking up get so hard
I feel so dead I think I belong in a graveyard
Drowning in all of my own thoughts I need a lifeguard

I feel like nobody knows the struggle
Like trying to grab sleeping pills, ropes, and guns to juggle
These thoughts that I gotta smuggle

All until my smile cracks and crumbles
Until my very soul snaps and rumbles
Until my drunken body just   tumbles

Sitting on the edge of highways watching cars go by
Exhausted from always being the tough guy
Wondering which truck is gonna catch my eye

Don't wanna die but it's my only choice
So tired of screaming I'm losing my voice

Slitting wrists with promises bleeding
Is it just extra love I'm needing?

Maybe not then again I'm already dead
Make sure the note is read

I'm tired of being alone, by Tommrorow I'll be unknown

-Dominguez 2018
Tita Oct 2018
There was a time telling my truth was hard,
Stuck between sinking or swimming looking for a lifeguard.
It was weighted, and heavy slowly pulling me down,
But I thought if I open my mouth, for sure I’ll drown.
That you wouldn’t hear me but find holes in my story,
Throwing Daggered questions at me as punishment in this reformatory.
I have the Vivid memories, I’ve tried to make blurry,
Then there’s backlash from the self appointed jury.
But You DO know hurt people, hurt people that’s a fact,
I’ve done my share of hurting, but no never that.
See I’m not on trial just telling my truth,
Trying to create a better future, One that protects our youth!
My hope is that by sharing “This happened to me”,
Helps you realize it was never your fault so stop feeling guilty.
Because I won’t let them discredit you, it doesn’t matter when it occurred,
We’re not speaking because we’re spoken too, we’re dying to be heard.
I’ve extended my heart to you with words cleverly placed,
With each line hope you feel my love in a tight embrace.
At first it’s hard not knowing how to push through,
But YOU ARE A SURVIVOR , I know because I’m a survivor too.
As a survivor of ****** abuse my heart is with anyone who is, or has gone through it. You are not alone, and you are loved. I don’t know you but I love you. There is a way out speak up and be heard. It’s hard but we can do it.
Aléa Boodoo May 3
Loving you was the easy part. Admitting it was hard.
Hot chocolate. Strawberry Cream. Bubble Tea
I was drowning in your ocean. You were the blind lifeguard
You knew your oblivion, and so did I. Roses on the thorn tree.

I just think that I don't know how to think
I feel like feeling is all but an unexplained thought
I feel like I have an undying thirst, but all I do is drink
Drink, and drink… almost as if expecting a drought

I turned loving you into my life
I felt that it was gone when you were
I thought that love was only when I thought of you as my wife
You sheltered my storm, you brought clarity to my blur

I got so addicted so quick
My daily medication
Till I met you, I didn't know someone can make you feel homesick
Mine. Justification without the explanation

I loved you in real life, and even in my best fantasy
It made me hate love, for destroying the idea of you as my forever
I wanted to experience with you. Greece, Hawaii, to the Annecy.
Hi. Bye. Love. Hate. Now. Never

Yes, I wanted to discover the world with you.
All I thought about was you. Nothing new. Nothing old
I felt that I lost myself when I thought I lost you
My feelings were so out of the blue. Cloud. Sunflower. Pink Marigold
Para aire
Hannah Draycott Nov 2018
Hi, I'm Hannah.
I like reading and old books and tea. you could say I'm an  old soul. I also have a mild alcohol problem and if you can't handle that then you can leave already because my alcohol problem isn't just an alcohol problem it's a depression problem and I use alcohol to cover it all up.
You see, instead of fixing or facing our problems. more often than not we cover them with even more bigger and dangerous problems. Sometimes I'll start drinking and I'm not getting drunk as fast as i'd like to cover the pain and so I'll take codeine with it.
it's dangerous and stupid but i'm dangerous and stupid but this can literally **** you.

My "friends" who i think are my friends, even though when i try to be a good friend they turn to each other and not me. But that's cool as long as they get the help they need even if it makes me feel completely useless. Anyway my friends, they noticed my issue with drinking, i just don't think they cared enough to help or at least i hid it so well that they had no idea they needed to help me.
This is all that it is. A cry for help.
Because I'm screaming and drowning at the deep end of a pool but the lifeguard can't swim.
I'm screaming but all my friends are deaf and I'm trying to show them but they're blind.

Then I turn to you.
You're the beacon of light in the distance. You're the destination my ship is supposed to go and it's following your light, the only hope left. My ship is finally sailing back home. It's been gone for weeks, months, years but it's finally coming back from the war.

But you're too far away.
And my ship sunk at the rocky shore.

I wake up. Alone. Covered in last nights make up.
What did I do last night?
ngl I was drunk when I wrote this and I'm very depressed.
Calliope Nov 2018
Trusting you like this
Feels like sharing one breath;
The drumroll before the kiss.
Your exhale becoming my inhale.
Your forehead on mine.
Our eyelashes grazing each other.

Our proximity is electric and charged,
but innocent and patient.
Only taking what we are given,and
Worshipping every broken piece like the
Promises we made that beautiful day in November.

I know we aren’t together,
But this can’t just be friends.
My heart is a canteen,
carrying the entire ocean.
It’s salty, and the tide is always high.
The waves are where ships go to wreck.
But when you saw it in its entirety, you recognized its depth.

And you called it amazing.
You said you would cherish it always.
I want the lifeguard to reel you in and lock you out,
I do not trust my current, you will be torn out to sea.
But you said you’d always protect me.
And the absurdity of that makes me want to believe you.
Katie Dec 2018
I jump in and swim to the bottom.
I don't wait to see if you were ahead.
I don’t wait to feel the splash.
I sit here waiting at the bottom,
Waiting for you to come and give me breath.
I hold my breath and watch the colors.
I hold my breath and wait for you
You come, but do not let me breathe.
You drag me around and weigh me down,
Bringing me deeper and farther than I would ever go.

We swim, we play.
Before I know it, I am happily tied to the bottom.
I blink and find you swimming to the surface.
I thrash against at the ropes,
Trying to swim,
Trying to reach.
But it is too late.
You are already gone.

I sit here alone,
Sitting at the bottom.
For the first time,
I felt pressure clawing at my throat.
Wanting, needing to breathe
I sit alone alone,
Sitting at the bottom.
Wanting to leave for the first time ever.
I can’t sit here alone for much longer.

I claw and bite at the ropes,
I kick and scramble in the water.
I feel the shadow of your ghost grab at my toes.
Comforting, angering, painful.
I scream, cry, choke
Water filling my eyes
I sink, giving into the firm ghost arms.
I turn my head and try to breathe in your scent.
I choke, scream, cry,
Water filling my thoughts
I hate myself for letting you go.
I hate myself for hating myself.
I cry, choke, scream
Water filling my lungs
I hurt I crash
I can’t take it anymore.
I scream scream scream,
Water filling my heart.
I claw I kick
I scramble I fight
I reach reach reach.
Air finally comes.

The pure bliss of oxygen,
The pure terror of freedom.
The world looks different:
Not brighter, not darker but different.
Subtle at first, but then explicitly clear.

I no longer need reassurance,
I no longer trust freely
I no longer leap or jump,
I no longer leave me for last.
I no longer always find a reason to laugh.

I used to jump in and swim to the bottom,
Not noticing if you were there or following behind.
Now I pace around the pool checking carefully:
Dip a toe in to test the waters.
If I go in, will you follow?
If I go in, will you come out?
What if it thunders?
What if it lightnings?
How long until the lifeguard blows the whistle?
What if I stay in the pool?
What if I get in the pool with you
Get comfortable get happy?
And slip and fall and can never get out?
If stay where its dry,
If I stay on the outside,
I can’t get hurt.
You can’t drown me without water.

— The End —