I waited too long
For a call I didn't need
To wake up
Happy

He made me sarcastic.
He made me ironic.
Bitter.
I opened up to him and let him crush me like a ripe fruit
He stepped and burned and spit on what was left.
Then...
Last year I thought I would burn again,
Bring fire back.
But I am so *lost

I used to think I would be alone forever
I used to believe it would be all right
It took me a year to realize
Nothing is that easy
And though loneliness is easier to deal with than other people
Nothing is more gratifying than a group of friends
A run with your peers
A long discussion with your flatmate
Nothing beats company
Nothing at all

I try to be the girl I want to be
Everyday I try
Everyday I find out I can't
Not because I don't want to
Because I'm missing something.
Something inside of me is twisted
And this twisted aprt is in hiding
Wishing for me to stop looking

I'm a little bit twisted
In the way I talk, the way I act
But my heart is full and overloaded
Every cell in our body is recreated every seven years
But my heart doesn't get to recreate
Because everything inside of it is still
Still as a lake
Not moving, almost dead
Waiting

I'm a little bit twisted
In the way I hope, the way I dream
And my head is full of doubt
Wondering if, in seven years,
My heart will get to burst open
Seven years to be alive
Seven years to start over
Seven years to heal
Seven years to untwist myself.

It was in a bar
Not unlike the one I was sitting in not two days ago
We talked all night
I was whipped
Swept of my feet
In heartbeat
I wondered why my heart hurt so bad last night
Like a painful bruise on the side of my mouth I couldn't help but lick my lips
Feel the blood invade my senses
I wonder if you realize
I get lovesick in buses now

I used to remember when I was sad
I kept writing and writing and writing and enjoying
The flow of words
Coming out of my pen and on paper
And it looked like pain
It looked like emotions
It poured our of my hands
It poured out of my soul
It poured out of my heart
And cured the pain and sorrow
And made me as light as a balloon
And I could finally float away and move on
Moving on
Moving on
It felt great
It felt like sunshine in my veins and happiness in a glass
And I drank it all
In one go
I would drink it all
Until there was nothing left
But there is nothing left in my soul and no glass and no sorrow and no happiness
But a ball of nothingness struggling to get out
To get out of my system
Of my body
Of my heart and soul
Suffocating me
I want it out
OUT
OUT!!
But it won't
And I am so confused
And there is no glass of happiness and no flow of words and
I am sitting here
And nothing
But
Emptiness

Your name is written across my bed
And I cannot sleep in the same room
For fear you will invade my dreams
And when I wake up your hand will be nowhere to be found
And you are gone
You are gone
You are gone


You are gone.

She stole your heart and the rest of you followed
Looking for it in all the wrong places
I captured a piece of our memories in my hands
The ones you gave to me, and the ones I stole from you
I put in a box in my heart
Like the poems I wrote in my head
I keep them warm and loved
For you to one day remember
Each night I look at them and let them shine a little
Let them hope a little
Hope you will come knocking
And all the memories will burst alive
So you'll realize
I can carve you a brand new heart
A brand new love
And maybe you'll learn to love me
As much as I do you

We were a ***** little secret
Hidden under the sheets
Under the quilt
Holding hands was a forbidden rule
Unspoken voice that would keep
Us from getting too close
My world exploded in thousands of colours
And millions of endless smiles when you
Felt my hand brushing yours
And broke the law
For a touch of my hand
A glimpse of a future we
Could have
Our hands holding like tomorrow
Would never wake us up from that dream
When morning came it forgot to claim
The memory of us from my lovesick brain
I still live in the dream we created
Yet I know all that has been wasted
When you woke up and looked at me
It was only a friend you saw in me

At first I thought I had it all figured out
The future
The pressure
The expectations
I thought I knew what I was getting into
The responsibilities
The bills
The only person to turn the lock in when I go to sleep
At first I thought I knew what growing up meant
The friendship
The loss
The love
The bare soul to a friend who you thought would be the only precious person you'd ever need
And now I realize it was all just a lie
It was all just a dream
I thought I had nailed my way through teen years by being on my own and ignoring the rest of the world
The world that could hurt me
The world that made me fall in love
The world that made me fall to my knees and pray for an end to my heartbreak
I hadn't realized the nail had been ******* to my coffin instead
We all live and we all die
We all breeze through life
Without even
Understanding
Why
We're here for
I still don't know why I'm here for
What's the purpose of my life
At first I thought I knew why I was here for
The easy life
The travels
But as time goes by I start to understand
It's not what it all meant
Now I know that I know nothing
Because at first I thought I had it all figured out
And I grew up to realize I had nothing

I used to say
I just want to fall in love

And then

I fell from the clouds and into your world
My heart still hurts from the crash
My soul still remembers the first time
The first time
I saw your face
And I thought

****.

Here it goes.

I feel the veins of my heart leaking blood
Inside my body I am drowning in love
And I can remember I used to say
I just want to fall in love
And though the fall was thrilling
And though you helped me up
You turned around almost instantly
Like switching a light on and off
You light me up and forgot I was shining
You left the room and I still I shine
For you
You left the house and still I shine
For you
You left the world I fell in and still I shine
For you
But you are not watching me.
You found the sun in the garden and I am just a light you forgot in a room.

(I HOPE IT ******* RAINS AND YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO COME BACK TO ME AND I SWEAR I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE.)

I won't.

I used to say

I just want to fall in love.

I had forgotten how much
Watching someone you love
Love someone else
Burns
My skin is on fire and I wish I could remove this physical cloak of pain to jump in a lake and forget the touch of your finger
On my flesh
I want to expand my soul until I the hurt disappears
My body is too small to feel so much
I am suffocating in my own body
I love you so much
And I hurt so much
I want to feel it all
I want my cries to be a storm
I want to wake up the whole neighbourhood and tell them with rain and lighting and thunder how you were my home
I want to find your house and destroy the roof so you understand what it is like
to be homeless
I want you to look me up straight into the eyes and say
I'm sorry I forgot to turn you off

It's funny how dreams turn out sometimes
You wake up and suddenly
It's not a dream anymore.
You are awake, but the dream lingers…

How can something that was once there, suddenly disappear in the land of forgotten things?  Can you ever get back from this land, or is the journey a one way ticket into oblivion? When you are lost, do you disappear, or do you hang on? Do you exist, can you exist in a world that does not remember you? In a world where no one, nothing looks out for you? Are you still human if no one cares? Or do you become this memory wandering in the path of memories, sometimes thought about but never wished back?

Is it the reason why people **** themselves? Because they left the land of the living by accident, realized it all of a sudden, tried to get back there but realized no one wished them back? Maybe that's what fairies are. People who ended their lives because they were lost, and were offered the possibilities to grow wings and come back to grant wished to those who were getting so lost, the only resort was to wish upon a star to help them be found? Maybe, when you are truly lost, you cn never be found again. Maybe, if you get lost, no matter how many times you **** yourself to be found again, it just ends up killing you anyway. Mayeb there is no escape.
Getting lost must be awful. But getting lost and never finding your way back… that… It knows no pain. You belong in a pit of depthless sorrow and missing objects no one ever bothered to claim. And even as you disappear, you realize it may be the last time you ever see the light.
Being found, though? I wish I knew that feelings. But I can only imagine. The explosion of your heart as it breaks only to build itself up again. The tights chest suddenly relieved from all the pain. And the eyes of the person who found you. Thoses stay forever engraved in your mind, their name on your lips and their soul on your heart.

Tear at my soul and look inside
The emptiness won't bring you down
The galaxy my heart lives in
****** into a black hole
When despair takes a hold and I
Crumble.

I often wonder
If stuck in the mud
Would have turned into tag
And if instead of wondering if you'll ever come and save me
You would have been running to me instead

Sometimes something happens in my head,
Like an explosion
And from it a universe of words and feelings are born
And I try to write it all down
All the misery and the joy
But there are so many thoughts rushing to be heard
And I can't make sense of all of it
More often than not art takes roots in darkness
And darnkess changes things.

"I have done plenty of fullfilling things, but what felt best was sharing moments with people who seemed to care.
A head
Against
A shoulder,
A hand
Resting against
Another,
You forget what it feels like and maybe I don't touch other people anymore because I know
I know
I know
How much it hurts when they walk away
Leave you to hold yourself together
While they go and hold someone else."

You destroyed me with one simple look
Eyes collide and the universe empties itself out
Floating in ether with stare unblinking
Who will back out first I wonder

The game we play is a dangerous one
You make the rules and I move along
Addicted to you I follow blindly
Into this dangerous path you trace for me

I wonder how you knew
That humouring me would be the way in
And I cannot get you out
I cannot push you away
From the little nest in my heart where you stay
Planning your way in
Deeper and deeper in

The lights are blinking furiously
Sending alarms across my body
But I am tuned to you I don't want to hear
The alarm ringing I'm addicted, I fear
Do not trick me into loving you
You know I'll be hurt if you do
Take that chance and jump aboard
On the crazy train we ride abroad
In a country where I am no longer afraid
To say the words that hurt me before

Give me faith
Don't let me down
I don't know if I can handle
Being left again this time around

All the memories are like ghosts hiding behind doors, threatening to leap out and destroy me once again.
They wander aimlessly along the corridors, wondering what was the point of creating such beautiful things if it wasn't to cherish them.
They wander and talk to me, tell me to look at the couch, the chair, the hall, the places you sat by me and told me things I cannot think about anymore.
I avoid your house at all cost, yet I spend so much time coming up with reasons to step in.
I keep my ghosts locked in a prison my heart designed especially for you.
Whenever I visit it, tears come out and say hello, hi, I'm sorry, those memories are beautiful, why are they caged in?
I have to swallow hard and explain I cannot let them roam freely in my twisted mind.
I have to hold my heart in because it threatens to jump from my chest and into a black hole.

Those nights are the hardest on me.

"There is something funny about recalling a warm memory", I say. She looks up and shrugs. She doesn't understand. Of course she doesn't understand. It is a foreign language to her, the language of defeat. The language of someone who has lost everything and who must share their despair with the winner of a fight they did not know they were losing. My eyes fall upon the middle pillow we had used to separate our bodies in the night.
There is something funny about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.
I tighten my scarf around my neck.

I have never been myself as much as I was during those six little days in your company. I let myself become a tornado and hoped to God you wouldn't be swept away by the wind I created in my quake.
2. Building a castle and realizing I am not two hands creating a masterpiece but four, and this beast we built makes me smile so much I fear I will never be able to frown again.
3. Running into the sea because you were already there and having this insane craving to pull you under, as if hiding you away from the earth and inside the sea's body would make me forget I am not the only one allowed to have you.
4. Putting a little wood onto the fireplace and realizing you are already here with logs and determination to make this burn. I still wish, sometimes, that the will you had to build a fire were as strong as your will to keep me around, but I was only a wind of change you blew in the fire for the flame to feed onto. I was just a tool to keep your warm.
5. The gentle hand tugging the blanket further down to cover the little hole by which all the cold air sneaked in to freeze my feet was the moment. I read the same sentence fourteen times because I would not look at you but then I caved and realized you had just opened a door that was supposed to be locked and walked straight into my heart.
6. We played 21 questions while hovering in a tiny boat on the sea's edges and I had the urge to make you drop your paddle and throw mine on the other end of the universe so we would be stuck on this piece of paradise forever.
7. If heaven is a place on earth it would be with you, on that canoe, at that precise moment in time.
8. I can never go back to heaven without letting hell burn me to ashes everytime the thought of you crosses my mind.
9. I burn everyday at least a hundred times.
10. Mastering the art of pretense has never been as difficult as it is now that I have to smile when you hold her and talk as if the universe has not stopped turning on its axis. How can you not see we are cosmic collision seconds apart from creating a whole new galaxy but time has stopped and I wish I could reach for your pinkie like I did 53 days ago but time is not having it.
11. Time has become my worst enemy.
12. I count the seconds I spent without you and the minutes I held you, I count the hours I could have looked at you instead of sleeping and days are longer than years in this world where you do not exist. I wait and wait and wait for the day I will wake up and finally be able to close the door you forgot to shut on your way out.
13. If love is an open door I will build a tower without any doors to lock my heart in and let it rot in loneliness because the pain of being abandoned is worse than the pain of not being alive.
14. My door is still open and if I have learned anything at all it is that no matter the hurt there comes a time when all is forgiven and the only words that will pass my aching lips will be the sound of my voice saying "Thank you, for stopping by".

I travel back to the time you
Wanted to memorize my face
In each corner of your soul
I cannot fanthom how
It was easy to forget me
In the blink of an eye
I was gone
You never bothered to wonder
Where

Would you **** for someone?
My family.
I would rub myself raw and twist my naked soul in a ball of nothingness
I am not a patient person but I would wait and turn to stone and let salt cover me
Before I'd betray my family
I would eat everyone's heart out and taste their beating heart between my teeth
I would skin myself and bite my tongue
I would ****
Lucky I am allowed to love them more.