If a fourth wall did exist
Like in the fictional stories you know
How different would you act?
Would you smile and put on a show?
I believe there is a fourth wall
A person who lives outside time
Watching and studying us all
Aware of the thoughts in our mind.
His name is Holy Ghost
He fills this world to the brim.
He waits for people to break
The fourth wall and talk with him.

I honestly think I would be a lot happier without my family.
I constantly get put down when I am with them. I am constantly building my wall when I am with them and I make sure that my mask would never come off. I sometimes get verbally abused by my mother.  I constantly get verbally abused and physically abused by my brother. My grandfather constantly expects me to do more than I can emotionally do. My grandmother constantly puts me down. The only person who doesn't ever bring me down is my aunt. My family is toxic to me and I am waiting for them to realize that.

So what now love?
What is there left to do?
We’ve established that you love me and that I love you but look at us?
I believe that we both can see that there is no foreseeable we.
So what can we do?
Darling I may love you with every fiber every ounce of life in me but what is this for? All this effort scooping up my outpouring with a cup containing too many holes. My endless charade trying to salvage this lifeless hand that was never mine to hold.
Watch it all fall out.
Watch it all fall.

I feel like we’re on either side of a brick wall and all I have to dig to the other side are my nails. I’ll grind them down in my own futility, bleeding and blistered for an inkling of you.
I know I’m stuck. I know there’s no way.
So why do I try? I don’t want to lose either of you, but **** it’s going to happen.

You say to me.
You jokingly say that you need a girlfriend.
What a jab in the stomach.
You sunk that knife right into my chest and made me hold it as I wept.
Obviously you didn’t mean to but ****...

Of course I can’t get mad.
My platform to stand on is sinking sand and it’s swallowing me whole.
I have no right be upset.
I’m lucky I still have you.
But I know soon.
Soon my love I’ll be stumbling after you falling on the concrete, knees scraping as I try to reach for your hand.
But please.
Don’t turn back for me.
******* it what a ***** I’ve gotten myself into.

One day my darling.
One day.
You may say you love me baby but one day.
One day she will arrive. Like an angel on high becoming and fair. She will sing her siren’s song and entangle you in her yellow colored hair. She will sing a song just for you in a way I never could. Her smile will entice and entrance you and she will lead you away from me.

And I will remain.

I will sit, legs crossed and eyes blind with tears reaching for you with outstretched palm.
I will watch you recede to your watery grave with her because there I no way I could be selfish enough to pull you away and make you stay.
All I can do is beg the man with the numbers and spinning hands for a little bit longer with you. But he looks through me with apathetic eyes. Numb to my plight. He’s seen this all before darling and ,quite frankly, he is over it.

fingers feel for loved ones
tears when they are found
names etched in solid history
lives taken in the emptiness
of war

An orphan was roaming the street

in search of something to eat.

He stopped by a huge banquet hall

and looked gingerly inside it’s glass wall.

Spread inside was a sumptuous buffet,

never seen by his little eyes any day.

Scrumptious food such invintingly lay,

he feared even blinking his hungry eyes

would make it disappear away.

Like a mirage it was within his sight

but teasingly out of his touch.

It was so near yet so far.

How were those inside different than him,

he could never convince himself within.

His innocent eyes seemed to question God,

” Who build this glass wall and why am I not amongst them all ?.’

the vicious fingers of the handmade glass doorknob
the hieroglyphic eyes of the mirror on the wall
the curious shriek of the crystal goblet

scratch my arm by surprise
slice my solitude
slash my blue simulacrum

I sever my self away