I got so afraid of losing you that I subconsciously numbed myself of your love

My biggest fear came a reality when I realized I was pushing you away

When really all I wanted was you touching me, loving me

I became ungrateful and unbelieving of your love so I wouldn't worry about losing you

But, I've come to realize, I want to risk feeling the pain of losing you

I want to love you so hard that, if this was our last day, I'd lay easy knowing I loved you with all I had

Worrying about the future, unwillingly numbed my present

And, I will fight so so hard to get it back

I float under the rough currents
dazed and thoroughly beaten.
My body air-filled and rubber
Bashing into jagged blunders.

Within the tides that turn me round
I splash without a decibel of sound.
The oars that row me rotten dead
and my veins flowing with molten lead.

The syllables with which I speak
deafened by my groans of weak.
On deserted sand I stand alone
crumbling to a pile of bones.

The pressures of the heavy air
the stresses of which I bear
over me so they tower
as I wait for my final hour.

The sands of time flow with sombre
whilst I pray upon a broken altar
The soft bugle of a marching band
and I shall take a final stand.

Cowering under my own regrets
facing off against life's threats
I decidedly drop my weapon of nought
and turn my back without having fought.

The strings of distress of which I spool
may only be that of a fool
but the cups I use to rattle the grate
the number of times I see a head shake

Frenzied terror's what I call my friend.
The devil graces me a shake of his hand.
I climb the ladder of despair.
The final rung: I sit and stare

Christmas lights and deep winter snow.
Summer nights and cool wind blow.
Autumn with her orange trees.
Spring bringing back lush green.

All this I watch from there
I weep and I silently bear
the pain and joy it all has brought
upon me: an ungrateful rot.

when your words don’t mean much to them,
stop talking, stop arguing
when your actions can’t be seen by them,
stop trying, stop wasting your energy
when your emotions start to groan,
don’t let them build,
you know they’ll eat you up alive,
when you can’t get to a target,
even though you try over and over,
start looking for meaning in the path instead,
when you can’t get over someone,
start reminding yourself that you can,
because you know you can.

Ungrateful
Garbled and gassed up gall
Finding flaws for free
I need
To find
Strength
In
The little things

two times the charm
a gallon of tears
bedtime rituals
and the most out of life

still
the glass is half
empty

a ring made of your mind
tickets to dreams
freedom from blame
and three handfuls of safety

now
it's but half
full