taking time to learn from your mistakes
the mistakes ive made in my past
i spent two and a half hours facing my bedroom mirror
im not faceless
yet i feel as faceless as a jane doe
fighting to discover the lost identity
that can only be found be found in the depth of her undiscovered haze

lost i wander from ocean to ocean
looking for the fateful creator
one who learned of the existence of a failure and decided never to look back
leaving a melancholy trail to follow him
drips of sadness mark where he has been and where he wishes to go

can the darkness that looms about him ever dissipate?
it is the duty of those around him to question why his simple sadness never fades
they question, but the root of his depression will never be made public information
no soul would ever learn of his betrayal
and i, would continue to wander aimlessly from ocean to ocean

when will my body give away to the .cruelty of nature surrounding?
harsh winds and streams of cold blue vend me
until i am one and the same
i will never rest
a lost sense of self has doomed me
there is no way to survive if i am not sure of who i am
because then who am i living for?

is it the strange girl who burrows daggers into my eyes when i look into thee mirror?
or am i simply living for the sake of those around me?
how about those who have abandoned me?
i am living without quite understanding why

so what is the next step?

My life is endless journey, in search of blissful vibes,
I walk at soulless city; I am left with painful bites,
You!!!!.... Empty my heart, destroy this beautiful yard,
I will leave you behind, get out!!!!..., release my mind!!!!!!!!!!!

Love is so ungrateful, my feelings mean nothing,
Life is cruel carrousel; I hate this up and down thing,
Each bite is so fatal; my heart craves for something,
That gives me no feelings and makes it a strong thing.

Define pain
And what it has done to you.
It has made you
Who you are.

It makes
Or breaks us.

It opens doors
We thought were closed.

Why do we neglect pain
If it makes us who we are?

I hate how you yell at me.
You call me
rude,
disrespectful,
ungrateful,
and so very rude.
I really am trying my best,
I just can't live up to
your level of expectations.

some people say that life is a blessing,
but i'm not feeling quite the same way

they constantly thank and pray to their lord,
but i'm just pushing through every day

their lives are a dream, a blessing, a gift
while mine feels like i'm dragged by a noose

"My life was hard too, just try harder" they say

"i'll try...
to cut myself loose."

Sometimes I think I'm a ****** human being, until I remember the ***** who walked past me in the bathroom last week without washing her ******* hands. Or until I think about the fact that there are people in this world that forget their hot pockets in the microwave for five hours straight- Or even worse, pizza rolls.
Don't even get me started on those ******* who have the audacity to leave the comfort of their homes at 5:30 in the afternoon, when they know **** well there are 500 tired people taking the same highway to get home that they're using to pick up a jar of pickles from Walmart.

But I digress.

Sometimes I think I'm a ****** human being because, despite it being all I have; this world, everything, and everyone in it still isn't good enough for me. I step heavier just to spite the world for only giving me 360˚, mumble under my breath when I'm not simply given what I want. I'm not grateful enough for what I have.
I throw pennies in the trash instead of the wishing well because, just like my wishes, I know nobody will be able to retrieve it. When I wish I only think about myself, knowing **** well I can drive a mile in any direction and see somebody that has it much worse.

But you know what? **** that.

I have the right, as a human, to be angry when I'm breathing the same air as those ****-tards who are ****** up enough to leave their poor, helpless pizza rolls in the microwave after only three ******* minutes. Three. *******. Minutes.

Sometimes I think I’m a ****** human being, but at least I’m not that ******.

i do have a life of my own.
not everything i do revolves around you.
lately i've minimised my contact and relations i have with you.
and you're my best friend.
something has changed in you and i don't seem to connect anymore.
i think i realised this change of personality on New Years Day.
when the question was asked; 'what is your ultimate goal for this year ahead of us?'
'to **** as many guys as i can possible'
i mean that's cool and all.
and like i suppose i support you in anything you do..
but its different.
'to be content with myself and figure out my future'
that was my answer..
it seems like our answers could never actually come from best friends.
or at least that's my opinion.
but i think i've come to realise that i do not want you in my life if that is your biggest goal of this year.
but you act like its all a joke because you've realised that you will never have the potential to do something worthwhile.
too late now i suppose.
and you spring up a plan on me for a week ahead to be out of town for almost a week.
after evaluating it all, i found out i am unable to go due to prior commitments.
you know..? like things you promise to do and won't change if other things come up.
but you don't know that..
once i was upset so you sent me a text saying that we're having a confrontation that arvo only for you to blow it off and **** your boyfriend instead.
i can genuinely say that i was depressed and was on the verge of suicide and just knowing the level of importance i had to you nearly sent me over the edge.
i hope you're happy... with yourself.
as when i told you that i couldn't attend, you attempt to convince yourself that the trip will now be "mega sucky".
but in the same minute you send a message asking with exclamation points and all if it was still okay for you to go with the girl you replaced me with.
you didn't just replace me on this trip..
you replaced me as your best friend.
and i'm not coming back..
i guess that's "mega sucky"
**** to **** *****.

The blessings in my life
are overwhelming
when I really think about them,
but for some reason
each morning
feels heavier than the one before.

Why can't I just be happy?

My heart wanders
away with this thought
until the relentless waves
of pain and heavy sadness
carry it back to its place.

I cry -
not because I am lacking anything,
but because I cannot count
all of my lucky stars
(for they are far too numerous),
and yet,
I am still not happy.