I wish I was not trapped in between of walls of my memories
Locked in without window or a visible door

Do you know how it burns
When I'm not with you
And when I am?

When the river which is flooding
Behind the dam doors keeping it out
Holds all of its self,
frantic -
the world around it
might drown

Do you know how it terrifies
The brain that is aloof
From its spine

When the lightning strikes the air
for the first time beneath the clouds
And the teenager trying to sleep
Beside the window
hears it loud

Do you know how it rises
From the heart burning blue
Where it all began

When the trapped one keeps hitting
the door hard to come out

Wrapped in metal wire
Jagged edges keep me contained
I intend to fly higher
But I’ve been drained

I’m stuck on the ground
String wrapped around your arm
I’m being drowned
Within an emotional storm

Your tears bring me down
And hope gives me nightmares
Let me go without a frown
Only set free with new mindsets

Just a balloon wrapped in a razor blades
And barbed wire

do you know the loneliness that resides within?
do you see the sadness tainting my gin?
do you feel the blackness of my sin?
would you let their darkened sorrow win?

of course you wouldn’t; you’re a warrior—
strong and tall in the face of adversity.
everything happens for a reason, you say,
and you believe in god.

all i want right now
is to be like you.
all i want right now
is to think like you.
all i want right now
is to be strong like you.

but, instead, i crumble.
i fall to my knees and mumble.
my thoughts run wild and i tumble
into the bowels of thunder that rumbles.

just when i want to get better
the thoughts come back to get me.

and now i am trapped
and i kiss Misery’s feet.

My screams echo off stone cold walls,
the only voices that speak to me.
Trapped inside the darkness that now ensues
where the sun always used to shine through.
Days and nights getting longer
as I desperately grasp onto the crumbling walls of myself,
clawing my way out, always falling hitting the ground.
Alone and afraid of the abilities of my mind
to make oneself feel so alone and worthless.
The thoughts are back...

The ones that tear you apart!

The ones that make you wish you were never born!

The ones that promise to uproot your life!

Or promise to end it, whichever comes first.

Yes! They are back with vengeance since the day I tried to walk away and set myself free.

Now, I am terrified of the repercussion.
The repercussions of believing in myself for so long!

Locked me in a cage?
Yes but here’s the key, take it.

        Covered my mouth?
Okay yes  but your hands are free
here’s a mic for you, if you need it.

     Tied my hands and feet together?
alright but here’s the box cutter for you.

         Where am i?

you have a gps on your phone.

  ” unknown destination “

Wait ! but whose’s phone is this?

it’s yours

No it isn’t !
how did i get here?

What do you mean ? you’re at home.

no ? we’re near a cliff ?
and why am i dressed like this?
****!
where are we now?

you’re at a courtroom,
       you’ve been put on trial.

for wha-?

NOW STAND UP AND TAKE THE OATH.

I , tony , swear that the evidence
that i shall give, shall be the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me , god.

Is this you? did you do this?
who are you trying to be?
you are living off a lie

Yes- no ! wait!
This isn’t m-!

BANG BANG BANG!
SILENCE ! ORDER ! ORDER!_
Okay Anthony , that’s enough from you.

Juries , do you have a verdict?
Yes, judge.

what’s your verdict?

The charges against the defendant , Anthony.
We find the defendant , guilty!

no ! THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE!

GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY !
I hereby sentence Anthony to life!

*CASED CLOSED

At least he’s eating lunch today.
Scrambled-egg-sandwich smell of telling me to worry less—
I never do.
“I can’t do anything”
“My mind is gone”
I suppose life is splitting through your bones,
But don’t worry,
Spatula in hand,
waving fates away like flies amongst an endless strain of pain,
He tries to stand
Against the demons eating him
Away.
But hey,
At least he’s eating lunch today.