night stroll through downtown

soft breezes interrupt thoughts

as the wind tries its best to sound

its own story of why it's caught

air turns to water
and dirt turns to mud
as my feet walk along the broken floor
I turn my eyes downward

my mouth opens to speak
but only a broken cough is let out
words I can not form
to give justice to this pain of letting go

the rain slows
and the clouds shatter in the sun
my eyes blinded by the sound of light
and I for once find the words to say

with eyes closed and heart beating
the tear, my friend the tear,
sheds from my eye
and is with me as I say

what my God wants to hear
that which I cry out
with a broken voice
my heart whispers what I say

this that the canyon echoes
the sad sound of my beauty
which waits to be released
so that I can say

You are my God!
You love me!
You are with me always!
You are always yearning for my heart!
You are my protector!

and though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
for You are with me oh my God!

title then poem.
begin

fists clinched
my thumb hurts
my leg needs to be stretched
oh and I should throw this away

what is she doing?
does she know my hurt
my pain
my death inside?

I thought I told her!
she wants to see things casual
she wants to see things easy
well as long as I am this way
you have to deal with it

I slouch
I sit up
tension I can not get rid of

My eyes wonder to the outside
to avoid her
when the hell?
hell will I let go?
what must I do?

my thumb has been hurting
why I don't know
It shakes too
but I don't know

I thought I told her.
why must I see her this often?
it is as if she is ignoring it
she wants things back to "normal"
she wants things casual
casual, ha

she eats her sandwich and laughs
as if nothing has happened

she looks to my eyes for a smile
for any sign of change,
of letting go

the other one sits quietly
I wonder how much she knows
I wonder if she cares
at least she and I are comfortable with each other
thank God she is there
I can not think of the torture that
would be if it were just the first and I

I look to the cars
which could easily **** me
if I took but one "wrong" step

what words can I shout to
describe the pain that I inflict
upon myself?
why do I harm myself?
why do I hold on to that which is killing me?

you would think it would be easy to
pick off a leach from your lower leg
instead of watching it get bigger and bigger
what is it doing for me?

this is a parasitic relationship
not a mutual benefiting one
I need baking soda or something
I think I have some in the kitchen

if not a leach that I can take off, albeit painful
some of this must be on me
not thirty minutes can I go without getting distracted
it's never been like this

I can't wait to see if it gets worse.
that will be fun lol
I just can't wait

"I sing because You are good
because You are good to me."
ok fine

I said I would be more thankful
and I am, but I am impatient

I go to beer to escape that which is inescapable
and then regret it
and then regret ever meeting her
and then regret that I regret
will I even graduate?

this poem is useless
I don't know the first thing about myself

at least God knows me better than I do
better than I will ever know

at least He is on my side
He will help me.
won't He?

Frustrated and hopeful
Angry and happy
Impatient and patient
Dead and alive
Hopeless and trusting
Terrified and overwhelmed in His love
Depressed and joyful
Tense tense tense tense.......!

I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace

I am yours and you are mine,
But I have become suicidal over time

I like how it makes me feel
I hate how it makes me feel
I want to let the tension go
Yet, I want to stay, just a little.
Why?

You motioned
    I responded
You went ahead
    I followed
You disappeared
    I walked on --
    I checked for you,
    you were not there
I am challenged
    I want to understand
    I want the tension
    to break, or fall to
    a comfortable companionship
To bring the mystery closer,
    to swallow it
So that I can walk on
    and so can you
    united but apart.

Evasive
    Mysterious
    I want to reach out
       Touch
          Feel
       Watch
          No words
             Just Being.
          Quiet
             words
          Passing Each other
             Apart
                Yet drawn together
             Evasive
                Tension
             what would happen if --
             I reached out my hand...
                         and you took it?

It started with your glittering eyes
that tell no lies
I asked myself "why why why.."
every single day and night
Each morning with the thought of your eyes
I walk like I fly
My mind fills with the moments of our "hi & bye"
Locking eyes, sensing height
Nobody can lie
Cause Eyes don't lie
Cause Eyes don't lie.

The Deed may be Past

                                The Lesson for the Future

                  But the Hurt is Present



              *That's why they call it Tense.

He strikes the match against her cheek
Robbing chance from her lips
Parted in wordless elation
To balance it between her teeth
Whispers her lashes shut
Leaving the flame to creep
Softly
Toward her tongue
To blacken its pink innocence
And leave a bad taste in her mouth