the fly carcass stuck
on wall ten years monument
to a life will lived

used to be a comfort for her
but now it's - what?
a house with a bed with little joys
but it's not the same as it used to be
is it?

someone once told her
'i can tell you're suffocating a bit'
and that phrase has stuck with her
come back to her every now and then

the more things happen the more
she realises they're right, she is
suffocating, stuck, struggling
to hold on and be who she is, who she wants to be

now she sits up in bed
they're still there, they're happy
but she isn't, she's uncomfortable in
her own skin, it just doesn't fit

she doesn't like who she is
when she's there, she feels like
it's the old her and she doesn't want that
not anymore

but isn't it ungrateful to
not appreciate everything she has
why want more, people would ****
for what she has

and yet, she wants to write her
own story, own beginning, start
her chapter, her legacy,
her family

it doesn’t have to mean anything more
than a crumpled up dollar bill in an open guitar case
i hope one day i’ll learn to keep my head down
to keep walking instead of getting stuck in front of windows
it feels like i’m loitering in the parking lot of everyone else’s lives
a heap of squeezed ginger ale cans
and candy bar wrappers crowding my bare feet
i guess eventually i’ll have to leave and find out
things always look better through a side mirror
i glance back and see the orange trees in the median
a runner almost getting hit by a left-hand turn
i’m so glad i didn’t have to watch her die
instead i watch two college students nervously laugh
shifting their weight from one foot to the other
beside the crosswalk button and i sigh a little
they are on one side of the glass and i am on the other
i seem to miss the things i made sure would never happen to me
tuck myself into bed buzzing with the engine of
a snow-covered train, a reckless ellipses
it is comforting to want what i cannot have

Every time he leaves I'm brought back to reality.
That this is just ***,
nothing more,
what we once had is gone.
Eeverytime he leaves I know that he is no good,
that what we are doing is no good.
But when he is here,
I am convinced we still have it,
the flame that kept us alive this long,
the connection I long for,
the love I so desperately want.
When he is here, I convince myself,
that he hold me out of love,
and that his touches are filled with care.
When he is here I'm convinced we're in love.
But right after the moment has passed,
he tells me "I don't love you".
A slap in the face that shatters the reality I just built.
The truth that I can't handle.
I tell him to get out,
to leave,
Hoping one day he will stay.

The shadows move in circles
as the world does.
As we live
it spins
_

it moves through my fingers like water
leaving no trace except
                                          that evaporates.

Why am I always so depressed?
Why can't it stop?
Tears well up in my eyes
Words stuck in my throat.
I try to get help but I can't move
Feet stuck to the floor
And hands Jittering quickly
Make this stop
Make this stop
Make this stop

No one knows the real you
Because that person is forever in your head