i always dreamed about this —
meeting you again
in our favorite bookstore
and buying our usual authors
and paper cuts on ****** novels
just like the old times,
before the words all
fell out of the books.

i always dreamed about this —
neck kisses and i love yous
in a yard we’d call our own,
while the playlists we made
echo from earphones
in the grass.

i always dreamed about this —
listening to you recite poems
under the sky and the meteor showers;
then again darling, every prose you say
is my spoken poetry —
is my love sonnet written
for matilde urrutia.

i always dreamed about this —
getting lost once more
in the space between your freckles
and in the outline of your lips
and in the scent of your cologne
mixed with the sunset petrichor.

i always dreamed about this —
about this very moment of seeing you again,
in mundane places
and maybe years later,
dreams could come true
somewhere in grocery aisles
and casual talks;
except in my dreams:

you’re not wearing a wedding band.
you’re not lost
in the way that he smiled.

in my dreams,
i’d be the one opening the doors
and carrying the grocery bags,
and you would not walk away
and leave so soon
while smiling back at him, darling
and while holding his hand.

in my dreams,
i’d still be the one saying i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

and you would still
say it back.

and there are still weekend mornings
when your absence is twice as heavy
to be written on my thickest notebook sheets,

and there are still weekday mornings
when i mistake someone else’s phone call
for yours,
and that the empty space in bed
looks just like the days
when you would get up to greet the sun

and there are still mornings
when it feels like
we’re just movie-dates and serenades
away from making up
and from breaking each other’s hearts again
only to call it love

but

your name is now
someone else’s synonym
for morning coffees and unmade beds
and arrows for a wrist tattoo.

and darling, i still bleed
from the paper cuts
and the last ten poems
i wrote for you.

I wish I could go back in time,
To when you were still here;
To when we laughed, and cried, and smiled together;
To when you were still mine.

I wish I could go back to bliss,
To when we were inseparable;
To when our eyes would lock and we would both be lost;
To the feeling of your kiss.

I wish I could go back into the comfort of your love when I remembered how to smile and I remembered how to laugh and I remembered how to control what I was thinking in my head and keep my irrational thoughts and fears from encroaching on my life and blitzing through my heart and soul and keep from rambling to myself about things that shouldn't matter while I'm going off on tangents rambling on and on and on as my instability just grows and grows and I lose what little semblance of control that I had left.

...

But I know that things may never be the same
Because fate just had to push us apart.
And I know that we are sent off separate ways
To explore these blank new maps we've yet to chart.

I know that I am stronger.
I can stand up on my own.
I don't need to waste my time and energy
on an emotional crutch.

I know our time together
will be a wonderful memory
and through my life as I press on forward
I can remember back to you and me.

I hope you can look back in time,
To when you were still here.
And you look back like me on all those blissful times,
To see what we could have been.

I didn't realize that
I was just trying to replace you with others
But I guess I forgot that
Even the diamonds cannot replace the stars
They say that I had forgotten you and your name
Finally, for you, I have nothing to feel
But what they don't realise is that
You can't forget how to breathe.
Our bodies are miles and miles apart
But our souls are entangled so much with each other
that even my stupid heart
does not allow itself to beat for any other.