Did you think that I had
  forgotten and did not know
Did you think I had forgotten
  the knowing in my soul
Was anyone told or was it just
  your secret and mine?

I must believe that you believed
  that you were doing the right thing
But when the truth is buried
  one must dig themselves out of a grave

You then live a lifetime
  deprived of oxygen and light

Others thinking you are strange
  you are different a blight
Not understanding how
but knowing they are right

Was anyone told or was it just
  your secret and mine?

        — Magi

Sixty plus years ago
and the pall that covers us today
takes me there
as if I'd never escaped
the dark secrets are darker
the lies run deeper
and the consequences are greater

'those who fail to learn from the mistakes
of their predecessors
are destined to repeat them'

and here we are
watching helpless as we drown in the muddy waters
of apathy
silent
we are even more unaware
as to what is truth and what is fiction

we will soon pay the price
for not listening
not reacting
to the desperate plea of salvation
and to one man
who knew the consequences

and this time there will be no chance
to find solace in our dreams
peace within our hollow contentment
for we have lost everything
that is sacred

I want to know
your secret corridors,
your room of masks,
your hidden box.
I want to strip your wrappings,
untie the strings,
  learn all the numbers
of your combination locks.
I want to breathe your scent,
taste your bitterness,
feel the electric
of our lips’ touch.
I want to stroke your passion
while you hold my hand.
I  want you, want you…
so much.

this world holds no secrets like you
the ocean can’t tell it
nor the shells can spell it
nor the wind can blow it
nor will I tell it too

this world holds no secrets like you
the dreamers don’t show it
the poets don’t know it
the sleepers can’t find it
nor will I tell it too

this world holds no secrets like you
the night won’t unveil it
the moon won’t howl it
the stars can’t fault it
nor will I tell it too

I just overheard,
A gentleman slip out casually:
“We all have our secrets…” And I paused,
Self-reflectingly,
“Yes, i’spose we do…”

The taste of your lips lingers,
Mixing with the liquor,
Misguided decisions,
Hidden moments,
Hang in the air between us,
I lie down next to you,
Wanting to kiss you,
But finding myself too scared to make another move.

I feared her beauty
And held my breath
The things unspoken,
Left unsaid
Fragments broken
Like shattered glass
Show a time
That came to pass
A veiled mirror
Reflects the truth
She is not me
She is not you

Can you really know me
If you don't know the darkness I've seen?
If you don't understand
Why it's so hard for me to sleep?
Or how I have to fight back tears
When I hear someone yelling?
Can you ever truly see me
If I don't show you what's behind me?
The childhood trauma boxed up neat
Until it spills across the floor of my insides
I keep the doors locked mostly
But locks don't prevent earthquakes
And sometimes, the ground shakes and
Frees memories to pool and suffocate
I've thought about speaking them but
Something inside says it's not bad enough
That no one will understand or see me
They'll just judge me as weak
"I'll give you something to cry about"
Hurled at a traumatized body

I don't want you to see me
Because you could call it sensitivity
And overlook the senseless violence
That comes with surveillance, intimidation
To share this pain is too risky
Because so much of it is crazy-making
I can take a punch no problem
It's the other stuff that broke me deeply
Expectations perfectionistic and unrealistic
Task repetition into sleep deprivation
Fear flooding my system so entirely
I chose to **** myself over interrupting her
Every week she made me grab the scale
No matter the result, I know I'll fail
If I gain weight then I'm lazy trash
A decrease? muscle weighs more than fat
And when she found out that I hated myself
She had the nerve to act confused
Asking if I know that I'm beautiful
Like I should love this body that could only lose.

She controlled everything
From how I wore my hair
To the clothes on my body.
Forced to speed walk around the park
I was so afraid of her and her rage
I never told her people made fun of me.
She made every decision
Not only what I ate
But how much too.
I'd learn to eat fast like she wanted
Trying to finish what she gave me
It didn't matter that it was too much.
Despite my attempts at compliance
I often threw up before I could finish
And she'd scream about that too.

In the mornings at home I'd wait in dread
To see who would come to get me
Whether my mother or she were driving.
With her, the entire ride home
I had to recite Everything I did at home
Starting over at any detail missed.
From snacks to bathroom breaks
Over and over I repeated and forgot
Never able to remember it all like she could.

Sometimes neighbors were concerned
Picking fights, they'd bring me up
With pride she'd say I'm just like her.
From love to hate she'd shift
Moods vacillating so fast
It'd give anyone whiplash.
Once a neighbor reported her for hitting me
But the police knew of neighborhood feuds
No one ever asked me about it.

I learned to move around silently
Rushing to get outside the house
Before she could wake up and yell at me.
She'd scream so close to my face
I'd be showered in her spit
Trying to stop the tears from betraying me.
I'd watch two grown adults fist fighting
Being threatened not to cry
And failing anyway.

A no phone rule meant forced isolation
When I brought my iPod in my backpack
She stole it and never gave it back.
School was solace in those weeks
And I'd try to lose myself in reading
Anything to escape experiencing reality.
Sometimes she sent me to sleep very early
Other nights she kept me up well into the morning
Redoing tasks until she deemed it done right.
Alone in bed at night
I'd stare into the glowing clock
Counting down my time
Consumed by shame
And the deepest desire to die.

So can you really know me if you never see
That this is the history that haunts me
In the face of insanity there is no winning
So what's the point of it being seen?

Water flows south
If it's in love...
Dancing with the devil, is all mouth
If a sea shall, is a world, a history's covenant?

Haunt, of a need...
Eaves, with the truth's eyes?
Of an angelic lead...
Doesn't anger eat fear, from its own fineness?

Finality of a golden wouldn't
First to stare, makes the bell...
Of fate, a prettier climate, too soon a wit?
Chaste or actual pasts; is the future hell?

Have me when, has mete where?
A salt of signs, and reality of a drive
In the unknown, with a peace so fair...
A charisma should dance, until I keep silence

The price love paid for austerity...
Is ours; isn't ourselves from an adding shadow?
With a savior, of what was virginity...
Is my name for courage, a tear's promise known?