I never feared the monster hiding
Sliding out from under my bed
To grab me by the head and drag me
Into some dark, dIngy vicinity.
I had the real thing to fear. We all did
And it only hid when other adults saw.
The fear would gnaw at me forever
And I felt it would never let up.
A couple of times I felt I would die
Because I tried to stop it; to cry
To beg, to wheedle, to quake.
But I could not shake her hold.
I wasn’t all that old, but I began
To plan. I did her household chores
But she wanted more; laundry,
Preparing the meals she completed.
Defeated, I knew it was no good.
I had done everything I could.

I remember it. Oh, yes. Clearly.
Nearly every scene resonates
Grates and whips me relentlessly
Just as hard, and painfully as she
Whipped us; me and my brothers
Not acting like a mother, but mad.
Not so much angry as insane.
She was the bane of our existence
With no diluting of that phrase.
And it was not a phase, it was there
When we were home, alone
With her when she indulged her rage.
To that stage when she could not stop;
Not turn back and be the caregiver.
I still shiver. I feel the belts or sticks
Stripe across my back or my legs
When, begging, I tried to stop her;
Threaten to call the cops or something
But nothing worked since Dad was a cop.

The cops or the county would come by
When a nearby neighbor called on her
But when they heard our name, they stopped
And since Dad was a cop, they dropped it
And would sit and ask us in front of her
Whether she was beating us or whatever.
Never would we rat her out because
The claws would come out when they left
And she’d heft whatever she used on us.
And fussing and crying only made it worse.
Once a nurse turned her in to the school
And some fool from the county dropped by
To write down Mom’s lies and ask us again
In front of the woman from the welfare
And we were too scared to tell the truth.
We were in the beginnings of our youth.
How could we defeat a monster that knew
Where and when we slept. What could we do?

Death alone survives
Love, that diseased old sadist
Twister of wet knives

and it’s my worst nightmare

there’s no humanity in your eyes

no warmth in your flesh

have i begged for this?

i chose wrong

taking for granted the ways this game might change

a twist of rules

a banishment of choices

a destruction of agreements

what were all the decisions i made for?

do i lack any will at all?

are my choices not even my own?

i fail to grasp a single shard of life in the collapsing reality

i am unable to obtain a sliver of self, of power, of will

as it bursts around me

i’m on my knees

barely breathing

i must be dreaming

visions flash before my eyes

hot red beams bore into my skin from above

all there is is destruction

all there is is death

touch me or don’t, i said

there are no hands to hold me now

no vessel to capture me

no defenses

and no hope

without hopes, without shared understanding and a direction

this is what becomes of heroes

this is what becomes of harlots

pirates and prostitutes in my memory

curse me, mock me

i feel nothing of it

i am not floating, i am not sailing

the stars are out of reach, i am beneath all matter

there is an unforgiving blackness all around

giving way to more vicious palettes;

a dark whispering grey

echoing tones of a dying sunset

and blood stains from centuries ago

in my mind i am running

i am escaping

towards the light

but all i feel is gravel beneath me

rough and real

slate, threatening

the devil is a painter

the canvas is smeared and ripped, dripping red and grey and black

beneath me it is red and grey

it is hopelessness

half is a haunting color that brings images of that menacing light

the evil tearing me limb from limb

bloodshed

another tone symbolizes an uncertain frame of time

not a forever

no time at all, perhaps

it is pain, it is ashes

the whispers of the fallen fill my lungs and i am on the verge of  sinking

down through the gravel

i endure the red beams and raise my gaze

hoping for some break in the darkness

a single speck of starlight, a gasp of warmth

but in your eyes i can only see

the world at its end, flames and the desperate wilting of all that is good

speechless and breathless and hopeless

more than wounded

i am finished, the die is cast

but it is not over

I want to speak your language. The language of warfare. Intellectual fornication. Lewd romance.

I want your socio. Your mad scientist. I want your hot breath and the touch of your whip.

I want your contradictions and your lies. Your formulas and numbers. I want your cold, cold hands upon mine.

Perfect little ******* crowd
Laugh your lungs out
Swear humiliation
Sweat indifference

Salt your licks
Sever empathy
One death rattle
One night only

******* entertain me
Entertain me
Pillow talk massacre
Conscience guillotine

Silly boy,
Are you having fun?
My twisted game has just begun.

Silly boy,
Do I have to say?
These are only tricks I play.

Silly boy,
Have you noticed my ploy?
To me you're nothing but a toy.

Silly boy,
Can't you see?
You were merely a distraction for me.

The rope tied taught around her wrists. Pain induced ecstasy squeals from her lips. FASTER, HARDER she screams so I grab her hips and pull her towards me as we become closer to come one ethereal being. Faces  centimeters from each other as we breathe each other in. I grab her throat as she approaches the grand finale sending enhanced amounts of dopamine as she grabs mine. At this moment the universe is enhanced distant galaxies can be seen angelic choirs can be heard but the most important thing that's happening is her beautiful face, her angelic voice, everything she's doing from that pain induced ecstasy.