For one of the rare moments in my life
I was genuinely
happy

I had been myself
and I was strong
I felt secure
and I felt loved

Everything was right
the clouds
the weather

I was
on top
of the
world

And then like
a tidal wave
it was over

The monsters of the sea
wrapped their dangerous
tentacles around my legs
and pulled me back into the dark depths

I was overwhelmed
and saddened
too tired to lift up my head

it was the same story
the same voices repeating over and over again
reprimanding
scolding

I guess I'll just keep going
looking forward to the next time
I'll be happy

You've left me with only questions in despair.
Oh my do I just miss that hair.
Twisting my fingers into those beautiful curls.
Now, all you are to me...
is one big, repressed, memory,
If I ever heal internally...
You still wouldn't know.

Ghosts sitting on the trunk of
a sea foam green car
smoking Marlboro golds,
their teeth gnashing at
carcinogenic tips.

Discussing tastes.
Aesthetic pleasure.

The past can't haunt you anymore.

She said, "we all wish to take a scalpel to
our past.
It's like a sore muscle and you need to
stretch it out."

This repressed everything, and
enforced amnesia; more complex
than conspiracy or tacit reality,
because

you're not supposed to hold on
to something that hurts you.

This house in on fire,
not home, house,
and I'm leaving,
and I've taken what I want.
I'm escaping.

She asks if I'd want to know.

I wake up missing something,
and missing a past.
I don't mind
the weightlessness.
This is how I will live now.

I am sitting calmly and quietly;
Not moving a muscle.
Inside my head, I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
Thrashing, kicking, punching.
I can feel the screams crawl up my throat and tickle my tongue.
I can feel my body tremble with the urge to let loose.
But I do not move a muscle.
Consequences are an ugly truth.
One I have dealt with, time and time again.
Now I let it build up, it eats at me.
Which is worse? I cannot tell...

You told me to stay away because you’re a time bomb
just waiting for the right moment to explode
You said I wouldn’t be able to handle the mess,
couldn’t stand the shrapnel hitting my heart like bullets
I won’t survive and there will be nothing left of me
but broken pieces


But darling you forgot,
I’m a stick of dynamite already lit on both ends
I don’t need triggers
I have no control
and when I explode
I destroy it all

Its harder to relate
when your life becomes the stage
smoldering like the brightest pyre
to fizzle on a faded page
amongst monsters made of hands
emotions ignite a passion
bent to my reflections demands
in the most maddening fashion.
Calloused hands cant scratch it.
Unglued minds cant fake it.
All you can do is take it,
An hope to god they patch it.
Strung through the fields
where sanity ain't a concept.
Just smile for the audience
and spin it into gold.

I always feel like I'm in cage.
I can't have this cage controlling me.
Too bad I'm in it, on this ridiculous stage.
And all the acts are never free.

I speak, and I'm left with nothing.
I act, for I know of nothing else to do.
I fight, but I get blown back with everything.
I lie, but my smile is nothing but an obvious taboo.

I miss everything outside the cage.
But I feel like I'll never leave.
All my emotions turn to rage.
With headaches that you and I couldn't believe.

One day I'll be away from this.
I'll be strong enough to rid myself from this place.
I will not be a person to just dismiss.
But for now I'll be on this caged stage with a straight face.