I want to runaway at times
Escape to a happy place
Be where , I feel loved
Be where , I feel at peace
At times , I question it all
At times , I feel no hope
That really rips me apart
Hope is all , I ever had
Hope made me keep living
Hope made me feel strong
So here , I am feeling hopeless
Thought , I would have found
it by now that which makes me
whole
I have some
but the struggle contines
The up hills
The going gets good
then drops another rock
to crawl over
knocking me back 6 feet
How can it continue
One can only be pushed
so far
One can only feel hopeless
then the struggle becomes
too real
So ...
I want to runaway
I am questioning it all

© Jennifer L DeLong 10/31/2020

I'm walking all alone
Through a dense and dark forest
Whispering surrounds me yet there's no one there

"I miss you."

The air is thick with regrets
As the fog builds up so does the guilt
Was it something I did?
I won't ever know at this rate

I reach out to grab ahold of something
Anything that could help me
I stumble through the trees
Heading nowhere yet searching

When did it come to this point?
I can't even text you to ask how you are
Will I ever get to see you again, let alone hug you?

"I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you. You were always there for me."

Yet there was no change
I still know nothing
I'm still without any answers

If only I chose
what I supposed,
If only I force
what I foremost,
Would I be most
in receiving love,
Or I continue to shove
to seek something more?

What I still and will continue to love about your eyes are...

the multitudes of hues and moods embedded within
Gripping abundant roots of attractive backwoods
and memorable fruits beside a glass of sweating beer that is on its way to finding room temperature
To name a short plethora of goods

Not to mention but rhyming about  Emotions that ensue
from a few
all inclusive spring rays shining into branches of oak and cedar needles
painting shadowy sharps on the  
greening blades
cast out under and around them

Summery flares shot between the solar
sparking luminescence

Shutters of blue steam breathing when winter is  looming and when it has come

I don’t even need to mention fall
since I would wager
Mother Nature stole every grade and color
from your visionary pair of awareness
Like a psychedelic alchemist enhancing each wordless life form into artistry
From her droppers of autumn in associated definition
anyone sees when thinking of the 3rd quarter
From trickling infrequency of leaves falling
spread out on course
with all end-of-the-line runnings of any pillow top creek
sweeping across the horizon tiring out in a dry bed of mossy river rock
These are what I still
and
will continue to love about your eyes

and the day will come
when someone will ask  
requesting me
not to write about them again
Opens the arsenal
for the most tragically moving poetic scribblings
leaving their ring
in the dust with her silent questioning
“What in the ****?”
and
The meaninglessness of their dollars spent

Battling myself til something surrenders
Holding onto pain, scared to be tender
I’ve been here before, let someone in
My heart beats faster, head starts to spin
Is this lust, fear, or just my biology
I tried to stay away but something is calling me
Depth of emotion and a genuine heart
It’s difficult to pretend he’s not a work of art
He pulls me in and makes me feel alive
My soul is getting warmer, I don’t feel deprived
I was letting my light dim because pain left me broken
But when we started talking something had awoken
The part of me I let die, so I didn’t feel pain
I was experiencing that surrender, feeling less strain
I’m not as fragmented, returning to who I am
True to myself, deep, and genuine

inside slovenly crystalline stares,
words flitter, flutter, settle,
nest. resting on pages
that they couldn’t truly claim
as their own, yet still find love in them.
breakneck, fast-paced loving and mayhem,
turn around, find peace, lose it and question.
your process: sputter to a void,
senseless, demanding.
you dry-faced cry and burgeon.
love is in your heart, so claw it out
and be truthful.
admit yourself to yourself.

Cold world,
When you feel all alone.
Cold world,
When the pain is like what you own.

Cold world,
When it's like you fell from the sky
With no one to call your type.

Cold world,
When they want you to repent
And no one cares about you.
Cold world.

Cold world,
When everything is your fault
Whether you're right or not.
Cold world.

1,2
3,4
count breath
maybe 1,2,3,
4,
5,
breaths
if i feel like my lungs are in need of special attention.
i am alive
and my body will allow itself
to breathe
whenever it needs to.
listen to it.
feel the rise and fall
of your body.
be alert to take it all in.
stand in the rain
let it soak that t-shirt you care about so much
and keep your eyes
open
so you can see how lovely he looks
when the sun returns.
you are
alive.
you are alive and your heart is beating and when he kisses you, all of the electric charge revives itself and blood flows through once empty veins, eager to serve a purpose once more.
you are alive and cognizant of it every
moment
you are awake,
for you recognize the pain of feeling dead in a living body.
you are alive
and
you are with him
and there are no graveyards in sight.

Are you truly ready for your desire
To become a full burning bonfire
That would mean the wanting
Has been received
Then crystallized
Not just a fuzzy dream
And fuzzy dreams are easier to digest
They don’t need actualization and self-respect
Wanting is just needing and that feels the best
A passion pines a promise token
For my wanting once received
Can’t be a promise to be broken