dear you,

i’m in love.
yes. you were
waiting, i
bet, for this.
this time, though,
it is not
what you would
think. it’s me
this time, not
you, although
it’s still you,
but not in
the way it
used to be
you. it’s my
fault this time,
my doing,
my painful,
pitiful,
suffering.
it’s you in
the sense that
i cannot
control you.

this time,

it’s your mind and your thoughts
the things that slip off of your tongue
the words you put, pencil to paper
the ideas that come out in your songs

it’s your eyes and your sight
the careful observation of beauty
the need to bask in warm, pure light
the stare you give me, rarely now

it’s your movements and your touch
the hugs where you grip my shoulders
the times where i’m drunk and playing with your fingers
the warmth you give off and your gorgeous smile

none of them
are mine to
have, to take
to keep, to
love, to break

i miss you
and to go
and detach
to break what
we have, that’s
the hard way
out. but i
am trying
to help me.

i feel the
same way i
did when you
said i was
wrong about
this. about
how i feel.

i’m hoping
disposing
myself of
you, means that
the dreams will
go away
too. but if
they stay,
i’ll give you
a quick call.
probably
a text, to
be honest.

i love you,
unhealthily,
with every
part of me.

keep in touch,
please.

love,

me.

The world is cruel;
ugly, pitiful.
It is turned so by man of nature.

Though, the world is the entire universe,
and the entire universe is so much more than those things.
If you think that way,
there is still much more for us to fathom.

After all,
we have not yet spent our whole life-time
seeing what the cosmos are here to show us.

— Y.H.

Cosmos,
gentle fervor.

Had a dream about a one-legged spider last night.
Was it me? Wallowing in my own pity. I feel like a fool, helpless.
My only protection is the night, and I've apparently gotten caught in my own web. If you wanted me in my most vulnerable state, here I stand.

I can't wait until I **** myself so everyone can pretend they care.

Humans are truly pitiful things
We are born weak
We are born with nothing
Yet we desire everything
Especially those things that we can not have
But we do not have a care for one another
The happiness of those that surround us is never given a second thought
Yet there are some who break the mold
Who utterly shatter any precepts of what a human being is
And should be
And ever could become
There are those of us that say **** the rules
There are those of that have forever heard the phrase "life isn't fair" and are sick and ******* tired of it, those of us who are working to make that statement a relic of history
Those of use who place others happiness on the forefront of our mind before even our own
Those of us who forget ourselves in order to keep another from losing them self.
There are those of us that say ***** the rules and live by our own motto
Those of us who kick hatreds *** in an attempt to give every single person in the world the one thing that everyone deserves
The one thing that everyone is entitled to:
Happiness.

A battle always fought
To my heart's content I lost
My brain would rejoice in defeat
I would gather strength to retreat

Divided, I fight
In a pitiful plight
That no one even cares
Not a single cheer you will hear

Like a jester I joke
About my caustic yoke
I make light out of the matter
And every one replies with laughter

Proud of my achievement
I wail in disappointment
But still smiling I weep
For this to myself I keep

My last hope shattered
No where to be found
Like tattered cloth i'm worthless
Just some *** lying around

Clenching my face
I don't know what to do
I can't do anything
To stop this wound

Like migraine I kneel
Pray to stop the pain
A wall was my answer
Streaming blood my gain

Tired I lie
On the ground while I weep
But laughing comes life
With a deal that I must keep

To forever wander
In this forsaken world forever
To bear burden for no one
And cower in fear of others

Hopeless I accept
the terms and agreement
To lock myself forever
In this caustic life of terror

I think of what to write, and I can't quite figure it out. The emotions inside my head go crazy with ideas. I see jumbled up words. Angry, hopeless, pitiful words. But I can't quite piece them together. Story of my life. I'm not a poet. Just a person who has so many things to say and no one to hear me say them. But do I really need to be heard?  I never have been. Story of my life. I can't keep typing, I mean, I could. But what's the point. I want to backspace everything. Throw it all away. Because it doesn't matter. I don't matter.
Story of my life.

The handshake comes much quicker
Than it used to in the days
When he held his liquor better
Those times are far away
"Let me shake you by the hand"
he'd bellow in the bar
But, now his grip is weaker
Than it once had been, by far
He used to drink 'till closing
Now, two beers and he is done
He no longer knows his limit
He no longer drinks for fun
The drinks control his shaking
Keep him centered, full of hate
Once he shakes you by the hand
It means things aren't so great
He squeezes hard to make you hurt
Trying to show what he once was
But it only shows his smallness
It accentuates his flaws
Mr "Let me shake you by the hand"
Is in every bar we know
He's quiet when he gets there
But he's loud when time to go
He no longer rules the table
He's just an old drunk in the back
He used to be the favorite
He no longer has that knack
He'll always be a little man
He'll never look you in the eye
Mr. "Let me shake you by the hand"
Will be the same until he dies
In his mind he's full of power
But his body shows what's real
A strong wind would break this man in half
I can't guess how his wife feels
Two beers can change his being
From someone pleasant to an ***
"Mr. Let me shake you by the hand"
gets drunk and turns quite crass
If you ever go out drinking
And your evening is planned
Leave...and in a hurry
If you hear ...."shake your hand."

Please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do not
Under any circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

You see when you do this
My heart sinks.
My chest gets tight.
My through clenched.
My eyes sting.
My gut feels like it was struck by a first.
And my self confidence
Is nonexistent.

It doesn't matter who you are
Who she is
Or what my relationship to either of you is.
Just don't do it.
Being told that someone is better than me in any way
And that I am not good enough to be equals with them
Leaves me broken
And more depressed
Then you'd expect.

She
May be a better singer;
She
May be prettier;
She
May have enough to be perfect to someone.

Me?
I feel worthless
24/7.
And knowing that someone
Thinks less of me when compared to someone else,
Imagine
How you would feel
Knowing
That you are not ever going to see yourself excel in that area
Ever
Again.

So please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do NOT
Under ANY circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

Thank you,
Insecure and pitiful

If I was a painting
I would be the chewed up canvas, dashed in disgruntled colours,
torn from the easel in dismay and cast aside in neglect.

I am a failed first draft that nobody wants to read.