he opens the door and I flash him a smile how are you doing
I say he just shrugs and goes upstairs he always goes upstairs what
does he do up there is he wanking god I hope
he's wanking something normal please no my son is normal he
is he just has issues connecting yes connecting that's the
problem nothing else just that really
she smiles at me but I don't smile I can't smile I'm so
stupid why can't I show emotion even false emotion I just
need some time yes some time then I can be normal again but
what even is normal for you shut up shut up you haven't been
normal for so long have you no stop I can't deal with it not
today not now I have to be happy for her
I got a call today it's the bills again I might have to sell
something but what can I do without him noticing he
always notices but doesn't say he very loudly doesn't
say sometimes I wish I had a less bright son but no that's
horrible of course I want him to do well I just wish he could be a
child I mean he has to grow up but really this fast?
I got another burn this time on my neck it'll be really difficult
to hide this time I'm so worried I have to be so careful around
her why am I so stupid I can't let her know I'm smoking again and especially not who  with I need to be perfect for her I know she
worries I just have to avoid her until it goes away I can make
an excuse yes it'll be fine everything will be fine
I called him down to watch TV but I'm not sure he wants to
watch this he's not laughing am I laughing too loud? I'm
worried I can't remember his laugh come on laugh please I
know something's wrong but he won't tell me or maybe
I'm just too scared to ask I'm an awful mother I'll just
ask him if he wants to watch this then he can leave
did I sound angry? I always sound angry why she
only asked me a question she sounded so nervous I'm so
horrible this show is funny but I'm not laughing why am
I not laughing oh god she must think I'm dysfunctional well
maybe I am shut up watch the show I can't even enjoy
a stupid show come on **** what's wrong with me
he's watching this stupid show because of me isn't
he just to make me happy why does he do that he's so
selfless like he thinks he needs to take care of me but isn't that
supposed to be my job? I'm so stupid and he's so smart he
probably looks down on me I'm so emotional he's so in
control he probably knows everything oh god
I can tell she's not concentrating on the show now it's
me isn't it I'm always such a burden I wish she didn't have
to take care of me I know she struggles a lot and she
tries so hard but I don't really make it easy for her do I no
I just **** myself up and make her sad but I can't help it but
that's no excuse I'm so pathetic I'm sorry
Harold wants to come over again he's so creepy with his grabby
hands but I can't lose this job not now there's too much I have to
pay for I have to make sure my son has what he needs I
can't think about myself he's all I have he's more important than
me so I have to let Harold be here **** why am I so stupid if I had any
brains at all I could get a decent job and be a good mother for him
I'm going out with Mark mum except I'm not I haven't talked
to him in six months but she worries I don't have a good
social life so sometimes I go out and sit in a cafe and watch people as
they go by with their lives and then I get sad and then I go home and she's there and I lie again and I hate it but she's all I have she's more
important than me so I have to not be a burden to her
I protect him, to keep him innocent
*I protect her, to keep her happy

a child
So small and fragile
So innocent and strong
So delicate and alive
So wanting to belong

you*
So cold and unforgiving
So weak and towering
So uninhibited and fumbling
So dead and crumbling

You turned the child into you
You made **** sure of that
You turned the child against the world
You made its foundation crack

The child wanted to breathe
The child wanted to laugh
The child needed love
The child got none back

M*  *is for the way you made me miss out on my childhood
O  is for how ostracized you made me feel in my own skin
T  is for the the times you thought I was an adult when I was still a child
H  is for the hours I stood up waiting for you to come home
E  is for the empty feeling you left in my heart
R  *is for the mutual resentment we carry

From the very first
she gently lifts him
pushes him to breathe
and so the learning starts

He is so clumsy
as she teaches him to swim
she laughs a gentle mother’s laugh
if inwardly

No arms to discipline or hug
yet what a heart to give
to her one small and only son
just twelve feet long at birth

One distant day he’ll near her length
at forty-five or so
and shall remain
the most important thing
to her
upon this Earth

You were supposed to protect me
Your little girl
Your little angel
Your only child

You might've loved me
At one time
I think you ended up resenting me
But that's fine

Subjected to your selfish tirades
Put through your gruesome facades
Held up on a pedestal
Only to be pushed down
Your once endearing smile
Now causes me to frown

Everytime the bottle went up
My heart sank down
I begged you
I pleaded you
You weren't there
Not even when I needed you

Sure, you were physically there
But mentally, you were so unaware
Or maybe you were
And just didn't care

You got in your car
Went out for smokes
You were hazy
And at this point, I went crazy
Who were you to risk a life?
Not your own
But maybe somebody's wife?
Somebody's husband?
Somebody's kid?

You don't even care about your own
And I don't think you ever did

When I gaze into the mirror
my mother's eyes peer out
on the first day with a twinkle
on the next a wistful pout
Though our eyes are different colors
more alike we are then no
still her thoughts to me a mystery
she may never choose to show

The mirror on another day
my grandmother becomes
watching birds at breakfast
saving them the finest crumbs
Formidable and frightening
she could also often be
all too human and imperfect
still she helped to make me me

Great-grandmother another day
the mirror then became
though much lighter of complexion
now the eyes were much the same
Though a humorous and honest soul
emotions quite repressed
she affects me still more deeply
than I ever would have guessed

Today within the looking glass
the only face I see
is the youngest culmination
of these elder women three
And I see them all within me
in my talents and my quirks
still I wish that they had taught me
how to stay away from jerks.