By Arcassin Burnham


I could learn a million things in the world leaning
towards my demise in the long run,

I'll Never hear another time my mom would say
"i'm pound son",

Troublesome in a world where trouble will follow
you,

Keep a piggy bank for how many times they insult you,

Life can't be all for nothing so play your part until
the end,
stay away from ******* man stay away from the sin,

This isn't reality , its more to life than you know,
No one will hand out pity anymore , i don't need it so,

I'm not trying to be a teacher,
But i could show you how to live,

You talking to the wrong preacher,
People are behind your back with a shiv,

This the world that they portray,
And we all just living in hell,

watch you feelings all decay,
And nobody can't even tell.

There's a lot more to the world
Than what meets the eye
Physical intimacy laced with
Eradicating emotion
There's no time in the universe
In which peace can be acquired
The day the earth stands still
Is the day we know what comes next
In a memory flashing by your mind
Just sputtering through the motions
But suddenly you're caught in derealization
And you can hear her voice again
Clear as wedding bells
A young girl reading sermons
To a man passed out drunk, and the woman who made him that way
I was just 4 when I first tasted beer
And I vomited all over myself
I was just 8 when I first tasted liquor
And I don't remember much else
Chicken wings with candles
And the songs my mother used to sing to me
The way she'd crawl in bed with me
In times of drunken solitude
Ungrateful **** of a daughter
Who should've been aborted,
Well I tried, mama, I tried
Now that you're gone and you are nothing more than ashen memories
I look at you in your black box prison
With your name pasted to the front
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways I don't feel alive.
The way you screamed for help at the top of the stairs
And he's shoving he's pushing and you can't run
And I'm still here
And I'm still here fighting him away
He says he can't sleep in beds without you anymore
And coming home from 2nd grade
Police badges light up the front porch
And they're shoving you they're pushing and you can't run
And you're in handcuffs
And his arm is bleeding
the young man told me I was not alone
And falling apart on your floor
At a ripe 5 years old
And I'm crying I'm sobbing and you don't care
And I scream
And you don't love me anymore
The piano goes quiet
And after grandpa died
she took all his medicine
Muscle relaxers and pain killers and the daily *****
And anger
And she screamed at the walls she called god
For taking her children away
It was her all along
I do not hold grudges
But it took you dying for me to hold that promise
It took you dying for forgiveness
The family shuns me like how they did you
Black sheep we are
Your ashes lay on the table beside my bed
With fake vanilla candles that light up all kinds of colors
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways that I do not feel alive.

Everything I say bounces off the walls in your brain.
The drink made you insane-
I've seen it once, I see it again,
I prepare myself for another bitter end.
It's relentless, it's hopeless
The way you give in
It's just like how my mother made you
Bury yourself in sin.
It's my childhood all over again.
Everyone tells me I don't deserve this;
I didn't deserve any of it.
I'm not a *****,
But I'm *******,
Microwave your mind's eye
And I'll be busy rebuilding mine.
It's a level of a detachment
That mingles wth dissociation.
The creak of the wheel turning in your head-
It's falling off the track.
You are not my father
When you are drunk.

You find love in the bottom of a bottle
Or even, maybe a can.
Your love died from the same very thing
That you reach for so dearly.
I understand that cold hard grip of addiction
Of something that slips down your throat and into your blood-
But it's different with you.
I thought maybe my near death moment
Would've opened your eyes,
And I thought that maybe my words
Got inside your mind.
But instead you choose to die faster everyday
You choose to die for a buzz that lasts not even for a day.
And I'm not angry. I'm just sad.
I don't want to watch you die
And they say that's love, watching someone die,
But this disease killed my mother, your lover
I know she wouldn't want you to go the same.
And these words are futile, they are hopeless;
They do not rhyme.
They do not have melody,
They do not flow sweetly off the tongue.
But they are honest, they are sincere.
You are my father,
But not when you are drunk.
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It all started when I gave him life
A life in a world filled with passion and hate
With a burning desire to rip any mans' heart apart
He was so delicate and transparent
I got lost in his heart filled smiles and innocent laugh
His bright green eyes put a patch over my broken heart
A heart that was once ripped apart
I promised myself I wouldn't let a monster rip him apart
I will protect him with whats left of my heart
Even if it tears me apart

Now he is a little older and its breaking my heart
He's starting to see the passion and hate that drives this place
He's ever so slowly taking apart my heart
All I have ever tried to do was sew him together when he fell apart
I tried my hardest to protect his heart
But the monsters are playing with his heart
Its tearing me apart

My old heart aches for his love
I gave him everything
Now he wont even talk to me
The monsters got to his heart
Once a monster enters your heart it never leaves
Which is ripping me apart because
I tore him apart

Papa you don't seem to understand,
You no longer believe I am still that little boy you grew up,
Your own little man.

You think I have betrayed you,
You do not understand how I became the way I am,
So you lash out and blame everyone else but yourself.

I stand so brave when you through your abuse my way,
I still behave the same way,
But you let lies and rumors consume, never given a second thought.

Papa you no longer treat me the same,
No longer show me the love that came so naturally.

I cannot save you papa,
I am not going to be your mind controlled slave,
So be prepared to wave goodbye.

Papa remember that I will always love you,
And I hope you finally come to realize,
That I was not the one to betray you, that was all you.

Being on the edge, where light fades greyly into dark,
Already you speak in echoes,
Your words from somewhere lost within you.
If I touch the veil of your fragile skin
Would I be touching you?
Although our touch to me still says “love”
When helping you from your chair or just holding you steady,
The Earth no longer firm beneath your feet.

Is my voice confused amongst others
In a kaleidoscope of utterances?
I’m not sure who makes more sense of this, you or I?
A bird that can no longer fly gasps quivering on the ledge,
Its heart a barely visible beat.
And I am the child again, behind the window,
Watching until it passes, its song
Carried away on the wings of the air.

Because I have loved you,
You are here.
Because over you I have bled and cried
And fought frustration and anger deep inside
You are here.
You are part of the fabric of my world,
A bright-coloured thread to my weave.
In body and soul, you are part of me.

It’s tough to write a happy poem.
The poems about the nasty,
Gritty,
Gut wrenching stuff-
I got it down.
But a happy poem?
That’s gonna be weird.

I think it’s because growing up,
In the home and life I did,
I learned not to hold on to the happy stuff.
To not feel the good feelings for too long.
The happy moments were far and few in between,
And when I had them I was scared to enjoy them,
For fear that enjoyment would be taken advantage of,
Used,
Broadcasted.
When I felt happy moments,
I did my best to hide and push them away.

There were moments though,
Where amidst all the pain and suffering,
There were moments I was brought comfort.
There were moments that made me want to live,
Want to go on,
Search for something better.
These moments were brought by two furry ears,
Eyes with the closest shade to my own,
And a long furry tail.
Yea, I’m talking about my cat.

And now the poem has taken a sharp turn from meaningful,
To just absurd.
Right?
That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?
Dude, this chick wrote a poem about her cat.
Her ******* cat.

These moments aren’t when my cat was being funny,
Or playful.
There are a lot of those memories that I enjoy.

These moments are the ones where I’m sitting on the stairs,
My hand pressed to my mouth,
Suppressed sobs shuddering through my body.

She’s selfish,
She hates us,
She hates me.
She doesn’t deserve any ounce of pity from me,
I meant every word I said.

You know that’s not true,
She is your daughter,
You should care.
You can’t just freeze her out,
She isn’t one of your old college friends,
She needs you.

She doesn’t need me,
She doesn’t want me,
And I don’t want her.

Okay.
You know what,
Fine whatever.

I can only hold on to the hope that she was lying.
But even in those darkest moments,
Listening to my Dad try to defend me,
Just to give up and walk away.
Listening to my Mom,
Throw my name around in the mud,
And stomp all over it in her New Balance Sneakers,
Canni was there.

Animals have a queer way of being there right when you need them,
And Canni is one of the best.
She’d sit there patiently,
While I willowed away into nothing,
The sharp,
Biting feelings of pain,
Echoing in my head.
Those feelings took me down,
To a deep, dark place,
Where there was no feeling.
No feeling happy,
No feeling sad,
No feeling hurt.
There was no feeling at all-
It was safe.
But she brought me back.
She’d rub against me,
Nudge her head under my hand,
Nip at my arm if I didn’t pay attention to her,
Or even just sit there next to me.
She’d listen with me,
Her tail flicking back and forth,
Like she couldn’t believe what was going on either.

Maybe she was trying to distract me,
Maybe she just wanted attention.
Either way,
She made me care when I had nothing left to care for.
She gave me something to hope better for,
Gave me something to work harder for,
Something to get me moving out of the dark,
Hopeless place that had become my heart.
If not for me,
Then for the small animal,
That cared enough to know when I was happy,
And when I was sad.

My cat is the reason that I know love today,
The reason I have feeling today.
And for that,
I can’t thank her enough.

Awake in my bed at five a.m.
My true love beside me
My new love upon me
What a wonderful feeling it is
As I watch the flame that lights my darkness
And the new tiny candle we made
The room may be dark
But my heart glows
It is good to be a father