You will never know what will change,
if you keep the lights out.
You will never know what could be,
if you never thought about it.
You will never know which is which,
if you keep yourself blindfolded and telling yourself,
"it's all the same" or "this is unfair".
You will never know what it is like on the other side,
if you remain chained down by the thoughts:
"what if.."
even more by saying things that will just worry yourself.
but you know,
it cant be a possibility
if you never opened your eyes.
it cant be a possibility,
if you never looked for the key.
it cant be a possibility if you never tried.

Must love rollercoasters. I mean not exactly roller coaster per se; although actual roller coasters would be a bonus. I am a marginal enthusiast.  I mean you should have that kind of attitude and vigor for life and new adventures. Rollercoaster lovers are committed to experiences over things.

Must love books, movies, museums, the outdoors, and live theatre. I want to sit in a room and read with you, and too you. I want to glance up and catch your face the moment it just enlivens, inspired by the joy of brilliant writing. I want to nestle close alongside you and share the electric energy that passes between the stage players and their audience both as they present and as we process afterward. I want to watch a movie, and discuss ourselves to exhaustion and collapse into each other. I want to experience art and history together and watch the aliveness the great humanities use to enlighten our mindfulness to the magic of living experience.  I want to cuddle up alongside you by a fire, my arms wrapped around you,  our bodies sore from hiking the splendor of a forest trail.

Must have beautiful eyes; but then beautiful souls always have beautiful eyes, because it is the eyes that reflect  most honestly the inner essence of the soul.  Must be passionate about politics, religion, pop-culture,  justice and the planet. That passion always shimmers when you peer deeply into beautiful eyes.  You are the kind of woman who knows we have only one life to live in our time on earth and you plan to maximize it with mirth and  

In return, I will spoil you with with words and pour affection on your body. I will look deeply inside those eyes every opportunity I have to gaze. I will cover you in kisses so every inch of you knows how you excite every inch of me. I will kindle that shared passion for the extravagance of human experience. I will cultivate the planting  of our sapling romance till it blossoms into the love I want to give and share.

If you are that kind of woman, reach out to me. I am the kind of guy who's looking to fall in love with someone like you.

The dead stare opened eyed
                because they say nothing..

But with open mouths,
                          they scream
                      silently into  oblivion.

An open letter to those who have dealt or tried or whichever with me during my depression and/or anxiety.

I wish I could stop. I hear that a lot. "Just stop." As if it were a switch I can turn on and off at my own will. If I could, I would've disabled that switch the minute I learned what the on was designed to do. If only I could stop if only I could

"Think positive" I hear that the most. I didn't think of that, nor did the twenty something people before you. As if I haven't dived into the deep end of positive affirmations for the riptide of negativity to pull me 20 times under. For every positive thought, my brain's defense brings up 20 reasons that the positivity isn't real or won't last, or my favorite, why do you even deserve to be positive.

I don't forget all the times you've said "people have it so much worse." I am so ungrateful for the roof over my head and the food I get to eat or the daily drinks I use to muffle the voices inside. I hate the privilege of having my friends and loved ones look at me through foggy lenses and lend me their advice. It comes from the bottom of your heart but it doesn't come from experience.

Oh and how can I forget how I'm acting like this out of attention. I promise if I wanted the attention, I would get it in a manner much more humorous instead of a pitiful pit stop of a parade I feel some of you think I am. I am not trying to guilt you or appeal to your pathos. I much prefer to evoke your happiness with jokes that mask the constant desire to not even exist.

Then it comes down to the people I've bared my mascara streamed, tear soaked, bare souled self to. I'm talking to you. The one who I know won't understand but I at least expect to be there. Because I know that when you only deal with it once a month it isn't a problem, take some asprin and put a ****** in and it's over before you know it. God forbid this curse drowns me for a week or two or three. I'm sorry to put a damper on your life. The one where you chant the positives and get on with it. You have the choice to leave. I don't.

I don't surrender to this illness. "I'm not a vicitm" I repeat constantly. I'm not trying to make up excuses as to why it's okay to act like this. I fight every day for a little breathing space, and sometimes I am consistently losing battles in this civil war for my own mind. I apologize that you bear the burdens of being on the front row sidelines of this imax screening of my life.

You see, when the anxiety is over, and the food I haven't eaten for a week is molded now, depression takes stage. Right on cue. A constant back to back showing for boys and girls, it's fun for the whole family. But even like the longest movies of our life, there are intermissions. I sometimes get to step outside the theatre and am reminded that it's still sunny outside, that there is a fresh breeze. I can hear my own thoughts for a moment and they aren't trying to **** me. I am reminded that I have people I love and who love me, despite every reason I have that they don't. I hold onto that feeling and submerge myself so when the next riptide pulls me under, I can somehow find myself at the surface.

Sometimes I resurface with new or stronger allies, and sometimes I lose them in the battle. Casualties of war. Those hurt the worst. The people I love the most, leaving me to find the surface alone. It's enough reason to start the next showing. Like that, I return to my stage, my battlefield, my diving board until the next intermission.

Never could they gently part,
always forcefully, but the gentle
touch was needed you would find.

It was the gem sitting in-between,
soft, delicately waiting for the touch.
But for some it was to hard to locate.

Precious was the this gem between,
for those who could feel its moistness
knew they had found the jewel in-between.

I am a sealed
envelope
licked by
past promises
that have found
a home
in the corners
of my frame
Go on
cut it open
liberate me
I dare you