oh honey,
i'm having trouble breathing
as the tears mix up with sweat
and the ragged breaths won't rest
i'm still trapped in this purgatory
between forgiveness and regret
or maybe
just disgust and resentment

when will this waiting
ever end?

it all started with
a night of poetry and music
between artists and lovers,
making music and art
like they do when making love
speaking in tongues and lust
even angst from their lungs

but i was with him
all through the night
when i knew
all i wanted was
to be with you

oh if you only knew
this silence leaves me blue
between lingering breaths
and cigarette smoke
i still yearn to be with you

so maybe it was the
excessive alcohol or ******* poetry
or maybe the live music
blended together in loneliness
and yearning
or is it the blank statement
against the white wall?

but this confusing as ****

my thoughts were swimming
in beer, nothing more
and at the very back of it
was you sleeping
but subconscious tried to
wake you up
poke you with what ifs
and what nots

i pulled out my phone
and let my loneliness overcome
didn't know it was wrong
like dominoes they all fall
one by one
realization built a spark
as my conscious came apart

tore my heart out the next day
i used the aftermath's blood
to write you an apology
filled with regret and dismay
29 hours after
i used my crafted letters
to sincerly construct
a sorry

but you said to wait,
until the demons go
until you find yourself
at peace whenever
you look at me

and i did. i did wait.
amidst the confusion and regret,
i'm still waiting for you
to rip my walls down
and envelop me in
your arms

but purgatory's version
of a painful torture is
in the mind games,
after all
setting up fires
that can burn you alive

keep in mind
what my mother used
to say about flames,

"don't set yourself
on fire
to keep the others
warm."

I'm so lost in my mind,
Some are normal, some? Not so kind.

I think of friends and family and school.

But I also think of self harm and stealing and people being used like a tool

I think of anxiety and depression
I think of my insecurities  and aggression

And I guess this is my confession
I hope this will make the burden lessen

But for now I need to smile for my families sake

And my advice I hope you'll
Take

Don't make my mistake.

What have I done?
I took it too far
I'm just an idiot
Yeah just a ******* idiot

How can I live with myself?
It might not seem like a lot
But even the slightest pain I cause you
Is causing me to hate myself

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't think straight
Knowing that I've hurt you

I just want your warmth
Your love
Your everything
But I don't deserve one bit of it
Because of what I've done to you

I hope you're able to forgive me
I need you in my life
I promise I'll be a better person
If you accept my apologies

Yeah I'm just an idiot
A ******* idiot
Please forgive me
For what I've done to you

anxious,
i shifted my weight
from foot to foot.
worried that
a mistake on my part
could cost the piece of your heart,
that I never had.
i should have realized
that love is unconditional..
or at least
less conditional than that.

I know you’re trying to forget
The lonely words we spilled
With no discussion of repercussions;
Phrases that clung to our skin
And dirtied our souls.

I don’t know if I regret it,
But the memory lingers.
You told me that you would kiss
My lips, my neck, my hips
And that you longed for the touch
Of my gentle fingertips.
We overwhelmed ourselves;
A ****** of desire with no way out.
We were the Apocalypse.

We retreated to our own lives,
Our own beds, our own friends.
I asked how you felt, where we stood now;
And you left me to wonder
Alone.

No matter how many showers I take,
I can’t cleanse myself
Of the hold you gained on me
With your gilded words late that night.

I know you’re trying to forget.

When he caught you staring he would smile
and say that everything was fine, meanwhile
he hid drawings made by a blade under his sleeves
and had stockpiles of "magic" pills, more than ready to leave.

It wasn't until he departed this Earth that everyone recognised
they should've known he was lying, if only they'd realised
every time that he said he was fine,
he was dying inside; oh so confined.

the perfect mistake
doesn't come into your life
as an ugly thing

oh darling, it's like
warm fire on a cold winter
heating up your skin

it's like finding this
oasis in the desert
quenching up your thirst

it even comes as
human presence on sadness
candle in the dark

the perfect mistake
never regrets hurting you
and will eat you whole

it's thought-consuming
like a passionate first kiss
creating daydreams

fulfilling wishes
like shooting stars in the sky
or is it your eyes?

comes as a surprise
the kind that leaves you breathless
filling the spaces

the perfect mistake
won't come with horns and tail but
as this boy you like