we messed this up.
years of knowing you
and we've never really talked.
we're practically strangers
that see each other so often.

we messed this up.
we could have been something
more than this.
but I'm leaving soon
and this game will end.

we really messed this up.

Dearest Sister,
How come you only think about yourself?

Our dog died and you kicked me out of the room because you wanted to be alone with him
What about me?

You got to sit there for hours with him, holding him as he fell into a sleep he wouldn’t wake up from
But I was sitting in the car
With a Dad that was on the phone with everybody and anybody
Trying to hold it in for as long as I could without breaking apart in front of him.

Dearest Sister,
How come you only think about yourself?

How come you tried to make yourself feel better about kicking me out?
I’m your little sister.
You’re supposed to protect me not break me.

Dearest Sister,
How come you never liked me?

I was only a kid and my first memory of you
Was of you being mean.

Dearest Sister,
Why are people so mean?

You were mean to me
So I was mean to you
And neither of us were willing to fix it
And now it’s too late.

Dearest Sister,
Why is our family so dysfunctional?

Why did you dangle your depression over our parents heads like it was a noose
And if they ever told you not to do something you would kick the chair out from under your feet?

Why did you think that was okay?

Dearest Sister,
You say that you can’t stand being home
So you’re always out
Hanging with your friends,
Driving down the countryside.

What about me?

Have you ever even thought about me?
About how much I needed to escape the mess that is home?

Dearest Sister,
I’m sorry but you messed up.

You ruined any chance of a relationship with me.
The things you have done are toxic to me
And I think about them all of the time.

So now I’m thinking about myself.
I love you,
But I don’t.

Goodbye forever,
Your lonely little sister.

I sit here on this messed up balcony that has all essence of home
Yet,
All i think about is the view right before me
The size of the mountains repel me
But that makes me more drawn to its diabolic beauty
Flashes of every story and legend I've read takes place in those mountains
And my eyes betray me by refusing to look away from this dream catcher
In the distance the rain collapses and it reminds me why i live in this town
Of my love towards the smell of the rain provides
Nothing is more hypnotizing
It gives me a chillingly warm feeling as the chains hold me in this messed up hell of a balcony

We worked so hard to get me to stop cutting
Did you not notice that once I stopped I started lashing out
You tell me you hate that I'm always angry
I tell you I don't know what that's about
I search for a blade every now and then but give up before I can ever find one
Today it became too much so I grabbed the scissors and I make a slit
I know you'll get mad but what else can I do? I either hurt myself or I hurt you
I know this is bad but it felt so good, I'm not angry anymore
I know it's unfair but you have to choose one.

I have 100% been through hell. I have been through so much my whole life. I've been judged and bullied for 10 years. I've been hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've been threatened over and over again. I've been Abandoned and alone a lot for long amounts of time. I've felt love toward someone for 10 years (almost 11), that person hurt me 3 times and put through heart shattering pain.

Do you know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you love so much that you don't know what to do with yourself? Do you know what it's like to love someone for 10 years, then get rejected and your heart broken by that same person and still love and wanna be with them? Do you know what it's like to hate yourself so much that your too ashamed to go or do anything, because your too fat, too ugly, or you just don't fit in?

Well all of that, It's me. Every last bit. I know I am a crazy mess. I know I am a pathetic, ugly, fat, loser, that has a loving caring family, but a really messed up life. That is the person I am in my eyes. So if you really think I am "all that", a "showoff", someone who's "perfect". Yeah, well, Guess what... There is no such thing as "perfect" and I know that very well.

I do not do or go through all this ******* to get attention.
I do not tell you who I am or "show the real me" because I will scare you away like everyone else.

So.. I guess this is goodbye because I know you'll run like everyone else.

My dreams are still about you
So are my nightmares
I have come to realize
For you, I still care
My hopes have only you
Written all over them
Even when I think of you, today
You still don't cease to overwhelm
I still feel messed up
When it comes to you
My friends say I am still in love
Maybe that is true...

People live lives in different ways
Choosing their paths
Searching for people who care
Trying to figure out if they still ...ARE
Walking in the past... or...
Finally ready to start
A new life
Finally getting the feeling
Of... Being alive

Nothing was right
And the right thing
Was nowhere to be found
Totally misguided
Messing up things that are
Already messed up
Darkening your own future
And darkening the inner self
Until what's left
Refuses to be found

Cannot even open your eyes
Without letting out
All of the negativity
For you... It would be
**** near pure insanity
Taking a chance
Can't even run from the pieces
That started to undo you
And you forgot
You forgot to take a glance

Losing all the pieces
Day by day by day
Waiting...
For your soul to be taken away
As your dreams are slowly faded
And then you are gone
Gone and totally wasted

-thrx

I'm sorry mom and dad I know I've messed up bad, I should've, should've done, should've done better.
I'm sorry mom and dad for all the time I had to get my life, to get my life together, but I didn't

1993 you gave birth to me, sweet little baby girl had the world at my feet, before I could even stand.
Cradled me in your right and your left hand a precious bundle of un-made plans.
Hopes and dreams of bigger things, a bright future so it seemed
But that light grew a little less bright as I grew up we began to fight.
When I was 13 I was so **** mean, running away had nothing more to say then I hate you.
But that's not true now
I just don't, I just don't, I just don't know how to say;

I'm sorry mom and dad I know I've messed up bad, I should've, should've done, should've done better.
I'm sorry mom and dad for all the time I had to get my life, to get my life together, but I didn't

You never talk about me to your friends
Because you must be so embarrassed
I dropped out of college without any plans; I moved back home I couldn't even pay rent.
I was living on your couch trying to figure it out, cutting myself up, tearing myself down.

I'm sorry mom and dad I know I've messed up bad, I should've, should've done, should've done better
I'm sorry mom and dad for all the time I had to get my life, to get my life together, but I didn't

I'm sorry that I couldn't buy you that house upon that hill
Or take care of all your medical bills
I know I didn't make you proud; I should've been someone by now but I never figured out how
I'm sorry that I couldn't buy you that house upon that hill
Or take care of all your medical bills
I know I didn't make you proud; I should've been someone by now but I never figured out how

I'm sorry mom and dad I know I've messed up bad, I should've, should've done, should've done better.
I'm sorry mom and dad for all the time I had to get my life, to get my life together...

I'm sorry mom and dad I know I've messed up bad, I should've, should've done, should've done better.
I'm sorry mom and dad for all the time I had to get my life, to get my life together, but I didn't

Sincerely, Your Daughter