If some of you wonder why I didn't just leave, I need you to hear this.
I told him to leave my house, he refused. If I tried to call someone he would take my phone. If I tried to leave he would block the door.
Why didn't I just ask for help? Oh I did. My mom thinks it's my fault and my friends just ignore those texts; they'll answer any other messages I send them, but not the ones begging for help.
He told me not to tell my therapist, but even when I try she tells me it's just a hard time and we will get through it.
I have given up even trying to leave. I will just deal with this. I can't get out on my own and I have no help. Everyone is okay with seeing me like this. So I guess I just won't make a fuss about it anymore.
Don't you dare blame it on me. I did everything that people tell you to when you're in a situation like mine.
"Why didn't you just leave him?"
Why didn't you help me?
I felt ******* horrible for leaving you. Horrible.
Remembering how you picked me flowers and surprised me with junk food on my bad days, being so sweet.
-But then I remember-
I felt ******* horrible when you abused me. Horrible.
Not just the kind that leaves bruises, but the kind that made me question "should I wear this?" you were so rude.
-And then I remember-
I was supposed to marry you. White dress, friendsand family, dancing an promises. you could never keep your promises.
-Sometimes I remember-
I was supposed to call you, every time I drank- even though it wasn't even enough to get anyone drunk, because if I didn't and you found out, you wouldn't speak to me for a day, sometimes even two.
I remember smiling, giggling and laughing with you, but that didn't happen much.
But i ******* remember every reason I frowned, cried, and screamed.
I felt ******* horrible for leaving you, horrible.
-But then i remember-
How to love myself.
Original. Written in September 2017
We worked so hard to get me to stop cutting
Did you not notice that once I stopped I started lashing out
You tell me you hate that I'm always angry
I tell you I don't know what that's about
I search for a blade every now and then but give up before I can ever find one
Today it became too much so I grabbed the scissors and I make a slit
I know you'll get mad but what else can I do? I either hurt myself or I hurt you
I know this is bad but it felt so good, I'm not angry anymore
I know it's unfair but you have to choose one.
Hearing the toaster pop up and realizing you've been spinning in circles the whole time, with no recollection of the time passing,
Saying "f*ck" while you do the dishes or vacuum because apparently that's a trigger for you,
And don't you dare think about time because you'll spend all of it flailing your arms and hyperventilating,
Hoping you're not annoying when you click your tongue over and over,
And feeling the tickle in your arms hoping they won't judge you for twisting your hand three times,
What the hell do I have? Is it OCD, ADD, or is it turrets?
A mixture of all maybe? I don't know but I need some rest.
A guy who hates cussing with a girl with turrets
A girl with ocd with a guy who's a mess
A guy who likes to wing it with a girl with a schedule
A girl who wakes up early with a guy that sleeps without rule
They're too different to remain together
But maybe they'll be perfect for each other
You put out a cigarette and didn't even take a drag
You stopped a dream and didn't even go to sleep
You turned off the radio before it even played a note
You ended the call without uttering a word
You closed the curtains before the sun even came up
Guarding yourself isn't going to help anything
Do you think I'm dressing up for you when you only see me once my clothes are wrinkled, my makeup is smeared and my hair is a mess?
What the hell am I doing