Waiting for a sign of freedom
Waiting for someone to see me
Nothing I do is good enough
all I do is full of love
What if I said you were too much
It’s a lie,
But I’m a heartless being
I want to see what would happen
I wish that I could care
And I kinda do, I swear
And If I were to stay
There would be no other way
If I could say,
What I really thought
You’d know for sure, that I am a bad person
And I wish it was so easy
As for you to say you love me
But my internal organs say you hate me
I know you say,
“It isn’t true”
But what do you think I am? Sane?
Well, you were wrong
I’ve been with me my whole life
I’d trust myself, on a rare occasion at least
Because I’m a special case
One that’s about to break
And I know you can’t take
Any more of this, And that’s my fault,
I’m sure but what makes you
So sure?
That I would save me if I could
I’m a domino effect
So how about let’s go a set
A knife right onto my open arms
Ready to erase me and
Ready to embrace you
I don’t know what I’m seeing
All I can tell you is that
I’m a heartless being

Hey babe,
Just lift up your shirt, show me your gown.
Do it with a smile, please never frown.
I don't care for your looks, I want your lust
Even if I'm the hard one to trust.
I want your ***, I want your appeal,
but trust me darling your face isn't my feel.
I need your body, I need to caress,
So do please lift it up that beautiful chest.
In my eyes you're pretty, you're just so gorgeous
However who you are isn't in my focus.
I just want you, and I know you want me too.
But a relationship, baby? No can do.
You're mine, one and only,
But baby don't fret if you get lonely.
Just hit me up on that cell phone of yours
And I assure I'll make my way over to ******* of course.
I don't want your story, I don't want to know your day,
Just let into your pants so I can feel happy hurray!
Another big score into the books, and all it took was complimenting your looks.
Please don't cry baby, it wasn't all a game.
After all, you knew what this was..
Just a hookup, okay?

Dear Sirae,

One. Two. Three. Wait. No. Restart. One. Two. Three. Get it right or do it again. There is no way of gaining happiness without me. Look at you, you’re so foul and huge. ******* disgusting. So do it. Kneel on the cold tile. Feel your hair sweep forward and brush against your face while you bend over. Don’t be weak, push yourself. That wasn’t enough that came up. Again. Again. Again. I own you and you’re not leaving.

- Bulimia

i made this week difficult.

i was struggling with myself and i made it hard for you too.
i turned nothing into problems
and blamed those problems for my ****-ups.

i hurt you
and i knew i was hurting you
and i did it anyway.

i said things
and made you sound like the bad guy

but i was a *****.

and im sorry.

I’ve never killed anybody, but
I may as well have
You see, I’ve spent so much time
Hating
So much time tearing others
To shreds that
If every callous comment was a casualty
I’d be the world’s most successful serial killer

Although, I guess it’s not just me
No
It’s every single teenage girl in existence
It’s every inferiority complex
Every dysmorphic body
Every ounce of self-hatred
In the nation
Wrapped into one
Spewing gossip and resentment like Diet Coke-infused lava

I’ve never killed anybody, but
I sure have wounded some people’s pride
Fueled their ego-scalding tears at night
Just to protect me and stop mine
Like somehow that makes it right

I’ve never wanted to be a bully, but
Sometimes
It’s **** or die

Say something
You act like you don't care
Like it hasn't bothered you
Yet here I am shattered
You see my pain
You just stand there
You only say
I did nothing wrong
What the **** is that
I just lost my home
my relationship
So how dare you
Just stand there
You once loved me
So how can you
Just not care
That's what killing me
It's you
Just standing there
© Jennifer L DeLong 1/12/2020