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np Feb 8
ashley is dimples and bangs
she is freckles scattered from cheek to cheek,
the sun never failing to show her love.
ashley is shy smiles paired with fiddling hands one moment,
a wheezy laugh with an arm clutching her aching stomach the next.
ashley is a fixer.
she’s like an addict looking for their
next head rush,
instead of tracking down drugs,
she tracks down projects.
people who are hurting,
drains that aren’t draining,
hearts that are breaking.
doing anything
in her power to mend what she can.
she will put the hurting minds at ease with words of affirmation,
she will fearlessly rid the drain of the ball of hair the size of a small animal,
and she will piece together the breaking hearts
with the tape that is holding her own broken heart intact.
ashley is strong.
unaware of her own strength,
and often forgetting that she’s been to the darkest places and back.
she is patient.
knowing that sometimes you have to endure the bad
to later revel in the good.
she is compassionate.
giving out more love than she receives and willingly doing it again the next day.
ashley is
She will sit with you in the dark when you are unable to find the bright side of things
She will validate the feelings that you thought no one would care or dare to comprehend.
She will walk into your life and leave a footprint on your heart,
making it absolutely impossible to remember what life was like without her.
She will change your life without even trying, without even realizing.
and yes, change can be scary,
but things are never as scary as they seem
when you’ve got a best friend
like ashley.
np Dec 2020
you were like a drug i couldn't seem to get enough of.
each touch,
each kiss,
each sweet nothing you whispered in my ear,
was a way for me to get "my fix",
a way to feed my growing addiction.
you recognized this control you had over me early on,
quick to provide a re-up when you saw me coming down from the high
loving the power so much that it became your drug of choice
but it wasn't enough.
my fixation,
my dependency,
my incessant need,
it wasn't enough for you
so you took on the role of my enabler
pushing the limits of my tolerance so far i **** near overdosed
the addiction started to take its toll
your touch became rough and cold.
your kisses, scarce.
and you whispered
nothing sweet
into my ear.
but this didn't matter,
I was hooked, and you were in control.
I tried to quit,
I tried to walk away,
I tried to listen to the desperate pleas that came from
my family; telling me to come back to them.
my friends; telling me they miss me.
myself; knowing I wasn't the same.
but as my blurred vision started to clear,
your face came into focus
and your touch softened
your kisses covered the scars that you created,
and the sweet nothings you whispered in my ear were enough to make me relapse
and again,
and again.
and you had control
and again,
and again.

np Dec 2020
do you lay awake at night
completely restless
thinking of me
like i do you?

do you wonder if i lay alone
or have the heat of someone else keeping me warm,
keeping me company?
do you think about the nights we spent talking rather than sleeping
knowing **** well we both had to work at the crack *** of dawn the next day?
do you think about our kisses,
the ones you insisted came in threes,
and wish you could have just one more
just to remember the feeling that came along with them?
do you think about the time where we went wrong?
where you went wrong?
do you think about the words you spit into my face,
the words you knew would sear my heart that never ceased to beat for you?

do you think about me and get angry knowing i left?
do you think about me and get sad knowing you lost me?

do you even care?
did you ever care at all?
or is it just me?
or was it just me?

i cant help but wonder these things
as i lay awake at night
completely restless
thinking of you.

np Nov 2020
just friends.
how does that work when our relationship started so casually?
do we just pretend we didn’t stay up all night together, high out of our minds, telling random childhood stories?
do we just forget about the flirtatious comments that we always made to each other?
do we just ignore the tension that can be felt just from the brush of our hands?
do we bury the chemistry that erupts when we’re with each other?
how do i just erase the time we spent together?
how do i ignore the love i have for you?
how do i just not care?
how do i stop caring?
how do i stop thinking about you?
how do you do this?
how do you build someone up for so long, yet tear them down at the same time?
how do you fill someone with so much hope knowing you had different, dreadful plans for the outcome?
how do you know exactly what to say to win me back, to make me think you changed?
how do you invite someone in only to shut them out right as they reached the door?
i don’t know how you do it.

what i do know is we can’t be just friends,

because we just can’t be friends at all.
np Nov 2020
I am

tired of not being respected,
tired of being taken advantage of,
tired of being told what to do,
tired of being accused,
tired of always being wrong,
tired of silent conversations for hours on end,
tired of wondering why i’m not good enough,
tired of apologizing for things that aren’t my fault,
tired of your twisting of words,
tired of your apathy,
tired of your ruthless blunt comments,
tired of missing your hot touch on my bare skin,
tired of wishing you cared,
tired of trying so hard for someone who doesn’t give a **** in return,
tired of analyzing my every move for your “peace of mind”,
tired of jumping through hoops to impress you only to realize you arent at the show,
tired of being on the brink of saying goodbye only for you to win me right back with one of your dazzling smiles and gentle hugs,
tired of being spoken down to,
tired of feeling small,
tired of hiding parts of me that are too loud for you,
tired of frowning when i could be smiling,
tired of sobbing when could be laughing,
tired of hating myself when i could be loving myself.
i’m so **** tired.
i’m so ******* tired.

tired of being tired.
#tired #yawn #breakup #relationships #love #hate #trust #loving
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