I am sorry for ways I've treated you bad
It was myself
Not you
Making me mad

Over my rage have no control
You suffer unfairly for the darkness in my soul

I do not mean to take out my insecurity
On anyone else
It can be too much for me

Sometimes I am bothered to the point where I snap
In black and blues paint on my thighs a detailed map

So everyone sees how I got to where I am
Somewhere between point A and point B stopped giving a ****

On my flesh insanity artistically explained
Story written myself not in shades of ink
But pain

Come closer so maybe you read and undestand
My efforts did not work out as planned

I do not have what it takes to improve
Instead of striving I hardly move

Trying to make your problems less difficult than they are
Another layer to the puzzle already too hard

I do my best
Hold my tongue instead of cuss and yell
No words could convey why  being with you is hell

I do not get my irrational emotions either
I try to calm myself
You won't let me take a breather

Because you are convinced I will do my health harm
Do it for me accidentally with restraining arms

I vainly attempt to maintain my composure
You start flinching and it's all over

If you say I am crazy
Crazy is what you'll get
How you speak about me makes me upset

When I work my *** off
Be perfect and chill
Make me out to be a psychopath still

Your idea of me clearly set in stone
You only are with me because you fear being alone

I am writing my thoughts as if it will matter
You won't read between lines scattered

It is easier for you to act as if it's all in my head
I have no reason to ache and should be satisfied instead

You may be right about mental state and such
I only flip out because I care way too much

You cannot create more passion than you actually feel
Quit deceiving both of us and for once be REAL

Your love for me the only thing of which I have no doubt
It is all the other ******* I am unsure about

If I am your best friend won't you confide?
Closeness we used to share must have died

Or maybe made that part up as well
So confused at this point can no longer tell

To avoid your displeasure try to be tough
It literally kills me knowing I'll never be enough

Do not ask me why I'm sniffling from now on
There exists no right answer because each is wrong

I am the reason behind everlasting pain
It really doesn't make sense to complain

I just wish knew why you manipulate and lie
Say you just want my happiness then do things that make me cry

Be honest
I don't supply what you need
Don't expect commitment if you can't return the deed

I am losing my mind
You're slipping away
If you know what is good for you you won't bother to stay

I never meant to let my guard down for so long,
building these walls is all I've ever known.
So I'm going to keep them rising high,
way to scared to let you inside
and see the mess I have been for far too long!

I'm so scared that if I let you in,
you'll be the same as everybody else around.
So walk away and let me down right now
before I have to face the pain all over again.
I don't think I can handle another lie right now!

I can feel myself caving into your words,
I wish I could really tell you how much this hurts!
So I will try pushing you away,
never saying what I really want to say
and let the pain take over my life once again.

If I let you in, I want to know that you will stay!
I don't want to spend another night
trying to fight off every dark thought inside my mind alone.
This disease is getting old, and I just want to feel at home
But there is something deep inside, that wants to push me off the edge.

So if I let my guard down one of these nights,
will you promise me that we will be alright.
Because I want someone to understand
but I can't stand the thought of losing everyone again.
So if i tell you what I'm thinking, can you promise me you'll stay?

It feels like my stomach is turning the inside out.
It feels like my brain goes dark like the whole world is crashing down on me.

I am broken and I mean that in every imaginable way.
It feels like this huge dark hole is consuming me alive and I don't have any power over it.

It controls me. It controls my thoughts.
My actions.
It controls my life and every time I try to walk away it pulls me right back.

And I have tried so many times but it feels like I'm screaming from the very bottom of my toes to the top of my lungs.

Like I'm screaming and nobody hears me.
It feels like I'm losing myself to the sleepless nights cause the nightmares won't stop.

Flirting with death is my favorite thing to do
She often tells me that I don't have to make it through
That I can escape with her and we can run through the night together
Sometimes she takes the face of "her"
And other times she takes the face of a person I don't recognize

Flirting with death fills my head with lies
But sometimes I think what she says is true
That people don't need me
That people would be better off without me
That joining her is better than being with life

And the last time she told me all of that...
I almost joined her
But I failed to do so
Just like I always do