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Jay Jan 22
what they don't tell you about grief is the after
the quiet after the news
sitting outside the front door
"I feel sick, I feel sick, I feel sick-"
Her shoes still where she left them
Her box of cigarettes untouched like a crimescene
what they don't tell you about grief is days after
where you'll wash your hair and need to stop every so often because you can't stop crying
Her clothes in the laundry basket that she put there don't smell like her anymore
and you sit there with a jacket pressed to your nose hoping for the faintest scent

what they don't tell you about grief is the messages she still gets on her phone
promotional texts about something or other
"Hello Name! We have good offers on-"
you'll find her shopping cards and wonder if you can still use them
She was your mom it can't be illegal right?

What they don't tell you about grief is that the earth still turns
the sun still rises
the world carries on
Jay Aug 2022
so it starts with a girl, barely the age of 10 and already wondering when the baby fat will melt off
glances in the mirror at unwanted curves and softness
why would a 10 year old need to worry about their body?
comments from a father about diets and diseases and suddenly food stops being a necessity but a burden
a brother remarking how a second helping is how you develop diabetes, you don't eat again that night
mom tries to help, "you've got a nice figure" she says
it only makes you hate the softness more
so a girl, at the ripe age of 17, decides that food is no longer a nessesity but a burden
a few months into it a friend makes a joke how you need to start eating more because of how small you're getting
you laugh it off and ignore the pride swelling in your chest
because food was never good or nourishing
but rather numbers on a scale and buttons that didn't quite close
because food was always a burden and never a nesessity
Jay Oct 2020
your "daughter" is depressed
I use daughter in that way because
I still haven't worked up the courage to tell you
because I wouldn't expect you to understand the discomfort
the yearning desire for something I'm not
because allowing you my dearest thoughts
would have you
assume control of a brain I wish were locked away
into a cell with no key
so I ask
were you aware that your child suffers
from a disease that spreads but doesn't
a bitter substance that has living unbearable
and I can't breathe, mom
because I spent so long fighting my brain
I assumed there would be strength but
rather I'd have darkness consume me than
continue the battle for light
I ask once more
did you know I wasn't happy?
Jay Sep 2020
I wish I could defy logic
to tell you I understand and I know
the extent of the pain that sits in your chest
in the back of your mind
when you do things to forget
I wish I could go back and hug you
tight and loving because I know
but I wish I could tell you
that you'd smile again
genuine and pure
and you're going to feel more like yourself
than what you have in a long time
I want to have been that voice in
the back of your head to tell you
carry on
but maybe I was because you're
still here
because you laughed at the dog the other day
and the small things bring you joy
like the purples and oranges of sunsets
and the smell of coffee while rays shine onto skin that you can show again
baths aren't filled with tears but rather
steam and bubbles and warmth
you laugh at the small things that you'd normally overlook
you smile when it rains and you can finally breathe again
after so long you can breathe again
Jay Apr 2020
cigarettes and something else
corners were down most of the time
I can't remember when last they smiled
hair short and messy
played with a lot
hand runs through the nest when unsure
they used to laugh
a snort or a cackle
head thrown back and hands covering face
jokes about nothing
somehow the feeling lit up
always an attempt for happy or sunflowers
somewhere doodles stopped
smiles turned to frowns
cheeks that once hurt from smiling stained
from tears that seem to never end
a smile that lit up turned to a frown
to stay away from
yellow became black
and I watched it all happen
Jay Apr 2020
I assume I should apologise
For the words wrought in red
Of fire and rage
"you hurt me" I cry
But what of the actions
That brought about the desire for death
Hatred brews deep within
Of oneself perhaps
Possibly the subject of this piece
I cannot say
To the idea maybe
That the initial time doors open
Flowers will bloom on arms
And eyes will crinkle in corners
I cannot say for sure
  Apr 2020 Jay
Where once
There was laughter
Silence is deafening
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