Sometimes its hard for me to acknowledge my feelings,
its hard for me to listen for a name in this abnormal heartbeat.
And its harder to understand my heart when it chooses to speak in a foreign language.

I barely even know
you.

We've only ever shared
one word.

I don't know what
it is about you
that interests
me,

but I can't seem to
get you off my
mind.

I replay our
short moments
over and over
until I can't even
remember them any-
more.

How will I know if you are happy with me?
How will I know if you feel the same way towards me?
How can I love you?

I hate it when it comes
I hate it when she calls you
I hate it when you feel so happy without me
I hate it when you're not replying on my messages but you can reply to her messages
I hate the fact that I was the one who's going to message you first
I just feel like I'm not your priority
I hate slow replies
It's just like telling me that you're talking to someone else better than me

Every time I'm around you I feel so happy
I feel my cheeks burning
Do you feel the same way?
I admit it, I'm jealous
I'm jealous when you're with her
But, why would I be jealous?
We're not even together
Why do I feel that you're awkward around me?
Why can't you just show the real you like how you show yourself to her
Why when it comes to me..
The air felt so awkward
Why?!
No one can answer.

Now, I will prepare myself
That the time will come
You will loosen your grip from my hand
You will find a way to exit in my heart
You promised me you'll stay
But promises can be thrown away
I just hope this time will not come
Instead of loosening your grip, try to tighten it
Instead of finding a way to exit, try finding a way to love "us" more
Please don't throw your promises
Please keep it
I have given you my trust
Please do the same...

In the end
I will realize that I'm not in love with you
Instead, I'm in love of US~

I do not know at all
what does it mean to know
I do not know what I mean
I do not know what it means to lie
and give truth and truth
which does not exist at all
and there was never in the world

I do not know what it means to be
to be or not to be but possible
be smart or stupid
that's just how the question stands
that's just how you can be
great if we are already at the same time
greatness and awfulness
inferior worth

I do not know I do not know at all
what does it mean to know and be
I do not know what it's like to be
and I do not know what is nothingness
what is happiness and what is
misfortune in this world
and even light for me is emptiness
remains empty until the end of life

25.07.18

Don't know why I said
We were good after fighting
When I knew we weren't