Many people rip on me for my “not-so-great” luck with Women.
But, jokes on them.

I’ve had some ***** before.

Until I had to get rid of them after I discovered I was allergic to felines.

I’m only in hospital because I am sick,
apparently, I’m quite stressed
Although I’m in relatively good nick,
what I need most is lots of rest

But they wake me every night at twelve o clock or so,
for my sleeping pill
Seriously though, I am beginning to know,
why it is that some people ****

Then they wake me every morning,
at a very early hour
Despite each and every warning
that I’m losing my will power

I have tried to convey my frustration,
in a calm and rational way
But they seem intent on sleep deprivation
for the duration of my stay

Losing sleep is bad enough
if it would just stop there
But I cannot even eat the stuff
the kitchen here prepare

It’s nearly always cold
and impossible to chew
And I’m fed up being told
that I’ve lost a stone or two

I have not been sick before
so taking pills is a battle
And if I have to take one more I know
I will start to rattle

Injections by the score,
so many every week
I do not drink liquids any more
because I’m afraid I’ll spring a leak

Every day a different test,
am I just a guinea pig?
I am trying my level best
not to give someone a dig

They seem obsessed with bowel movements,
always monitoring it,
they get frustrated when there’s no improvements,
but I could not give a sh*t!

Then there is the matron,
a scrawny ancient hen
Who excels at *******
and seems to hate all men

But the students are worse
as they are put through their paces
you can tell when things are serious
by the looks on their faces

I am here because of stress,
What a ****** joke!
Maybe I would care less
if they would just let me smoke

I have to check myself out
and I will not be back
Because staying here no doubt
will give me a heart attack

Thank god to be out of there,
some other sucker has my bed
Just one more day in there
and I would have gone home dead.

I remember once I farted, in a packed lift,
My two cheeks really parted, if you get my drift
I almost had a heart attack, the sound was so clear,
It was indeed a mighty crack, that everyone could hear.

Now everyone turned red, but I was really blessed
as nothing more was said, I presumed no one had guessed.
Some looked at their feet, others at the wall
But no pair of eyes did meet, no one looked at me at all.

But no one could deny there was an awful hum
And I had to wonder why I was cursed with such a ***.
Dear God, it was bad, worse than ever before
Was it the curry I had? I will not eat it any more.

On no! this can’t be happening, I felt my two cheeks part
This one much more sickening, what some would call a “shart”
Though I tried to look innocent, as detached as I could be
I knew what those looks meant and they were directed at me

We all held our breath, no one dared to breathe
We all faced certain death if the smell did not recede
We all wanted the top floor which was thirty stories high.
Would someone open the door or would we all be left to die

Thank God for ventilation, it really saved the day
For in case of flatulation it will take the smell away
Well I was so relieved, it was quite a close call
And I would not have believed what happened next at all

The lift it just stopped dead, a million to one chance
I thought I’d lose my head but instead I filled my pants.
I learned one thing that day, well at least it keeps me happy
I won’t get in a lift, No Way! without first putting on a *****.

When did we learn this?
It's worth how much of our grade?
I'm dead, **** my life.

Life has a cruel joke.
Giving you the right person,
at a dreadful time.

There once was a father antelope
Who loved fruit salad
As well as his one and only
Antelope daughter.

One day
A young boy antelope
Came sauntering over
And took a liking to
The daughter.

So he asked the father antelope,
"May I marry your daughter?"
And father antelope said,
"No."

And oh the young boy antelope
Begged and
Begged and
Begged
The father for his daughter's
Hand in marriage.
But he refused.

But you see,
The daughter antelope
Loved the young boy antelope
And she wanted so badly to marry him.

So she made up her father's
Favorite dish,
A fruit salad
With all the fruits you could
Think of.

There was
Strawberries
And
Blueberries
And
Cantaloupe
And
Watermelon
And
Every
Single
Fruit.

She knew this was the way to her father's heart
So she brought it to him
That very day
And she said,
"Please oh please father.
Let me marry the young boy antelope."
And her father said,
"No."
And she
Begged and
Begged and
Begged
Him to let her marry him.
But all he would say was,
"No."

So she brought out her special weapon,
She showed him the salad made from
Every fruit imaginable,
Like
Strawberries
And
Blueberries
And
Cantaloupe
And
Watermelon
And
Every
Single
Fruit.

And she told him,
"If you will not let me marry him,
Then we will run away together
And get married far far away
Without your permission."

And the father looked deep into the fruit salad.
He looked long and hard.
He looked at the
Strawberries
And
Blueberries
And
Cantaloupe
And
Watermelon
And
Every
Single
Fruit.

And without looking up
Without breaking his gaze
With that lovely fruit salad
He said to her,
"No.
Antelope
Cantaloupe."

The end.