You don't understand it.
The heavy breathing
The hollow gap in my heart
Even I don't understand it...

Doubt settles in my brain
Insecurity embedded in my mind.
This is an endless cycle,
My downwards spiral...

I want this to stop
I want the suffering to end
I want to cease the pain
I just want to feel whole again...

"You are beautiful", says the mirror.
My mind sneers, "Here's another liar."

I am a dichotomy
Caught between the best of me
And what feels like what’s left of me
After years of insecurity
I am caught in a dichotomy
Wondering if you’re using me
Or if you’ll set me free
I want to believe that you’re good for me but
I can only see the warning signs caught in between the breaths I meant to breathe
I am at war
I don’t know if I can count my trauma amongst the casualties
Or if they remain my true enemy
An enemy like darkness, like you, a vacuum which absorbs all light but the rays needed to illuminate your face
Because around you I am blind
Stumbling through broken words and empty lines
Searching for meaning with no concept of time
I am merely painting signs in the hopes that this time you’ll see
Because it’s too dark and the air around you is hard to breathe
But the pain is bittersweet
With each inhale brings recovery
And each exhale lets me find release
I am bound and I am free
I am confident and also weak
I am brave but I am cowardly
I am a dichotomy
Because within me lies more complexity
Then simple character traits which are assigned to me
I will not be chained to simplicity
Another nobody screaming into a void of uncertainty
Because I am a dichotomy
You cannot contain me
I defy reasoning
I have the power to unleash words like demons and in the same breath profess love and if you’re listening
You know that
I am more than a man, I am an idea
An idea that maybe the greatest power is found in dichotomy
A dichotomy like you and me
Through the darkness and the light we proceed
Because we were never one without the other
In this dichotomy we believe
In this prison we are free
Encaptured by the dichotomy of you and me.

you say that you care
but you don’t say why
am i living a lie
when you tell me goodnight?

do you really love me
or that i love you too?
i wonder what you would do
if i ever left you

would you notice i was gone?
or just move on with your life
would you even bat an eye
and if you did, would you cry?

are you really there for me?
should i trust the things you say?
i think i should go away.

would you let me?

My aunt tells me

Be careful with your heart

And I promised her I would

But I couldn't tell her

That it wasn't my heart I had to be careful with

It was my mind

talk, talk, talk
i hear myself speak

please excuse me
why can't i stop speaking?
come on come on
shut up shut up
you have self control
so come on now shut up

i'm sorry
i'm trying
oh lord why can't i shut up
please excuse me

please excuse me
i know you don't want to hear me
please excuse me.

I cannot keep anything for myself

I cannot keep you for myself
As you are not mine to begin with

And I have to let you go
Like water streaming through cupped hands

Hoping you find happiness with someone else
Hoping you smile more with her

As I cannot give you what you want
I cannot love you as much as I want to

Because I have responsibilities
And you deserve more than what I can offer

And I can offer nothing but myself