My favorite thing to do is to pick and scratch at my insecurities
Beauty is pain
It breaks your body
And shatters your insides
I keep discovering new things about myself I hate
Trying to erase the problems
But I’m not able to paint over the entire canvas
I leave little lines
Pencil marks
Bent corners
Scars
Breaking the layer of protective skin
through the armor
And under my smile
My one man army struggling to keep up with the war
Not being able to find any new soldiers that want to stay and protect the piece of forgotten land that I am
I’m so large yet I’m still not placed on the map

Hi, I'm Mihle. My favourite colour is blue and I love my peace and quiet. I'm not a picky eater but I like eggs, raisins and Mac & cheese. I suffer from insomnia but I'm working on that. I've got a big head and a really big heart. I'm an introvert; I like being alone, but when you're here I'm pretty sure I'll gladly share my space and thoughts.  I love being indoors, but I'd love to go out with you. I hate crowds but I'd go to a crowded place with you. Yes I like my peace and quiet, but I don't mind the noise if it's with you.  I'm more vulnerable than I'd like to admit. I spend most of my days in my head, making up scenarios about anything. I replay the past every so often, probably the cause of my anxiety. I hate feeling like disturbance to others ,but I like being thought of. I've had no luck with love, I always ended up hurt. So I'm just praying you're not like the rest of them, I pray that you'll be able to stay with me at my worst and at my best. I struggle with my self-esteem; some days I'm confident as **** but on other days I can't look at my self in the mirror. I've come across happiness but it never lasts. Sometimes I can't get out of bed but on other days I'm all about having fun. I'm complicated for no reason but maybe you'll take the decision to love me for me. I just want to feel close to you, you're who I dream of. I just want to co-exist with you, love you in different ways. I want you to know my love in different languages . I want to make romantic scenarios about us. Show me who you are, show me your demons cause believe it or not I'll fight them with you and vice versa. I'll reveal all my scars to you and still feel close to you. If we ever decide to be one, I need you to decide on me and not take a chance, but decide you'll love me for all I am because quite frankly I'm tired of always being an option. I'm tired of being left behind when the next best thing comes along! Let's decide to love one another. Let's stick around to learn one another, know every detail about our personas' cause you'll be the most beautiful human I've ever laid eyes on. As I said, I'm complicated for no reason but if you're willing to figure me out; go ahead. In the end you'll see I'm just like everyone else, trying to figure things out. Know that if you were next to me right now, I'd wrap my arms around your waist and attempt to melt into your figure. If you were here right now, I'd introduce you to the world I've been living in and invite you to be a part of it. I don't know where you are or when I will meet you, but I'm just hoping; when you see me,you'll feel me too.

Conversations can occur in many ways.
Many the conception of one thing, used to justify another.
It tends to happen more commonly if not at all.
A certain honesty revealed.
In the consideration of intimacy
Without coming across as too overbearing.
Yet we place blame on ourselves for not revealing how we truly feel,
Sometimes trapping ourself in the thought of someone else's happiness.
Obvious truths overlooked when the normal reaction is the total opposite.
The latter, already knowing how we'd like to be valued, received.
We express ourselves the same way.
Not truly knowing how it's to be received.
Obvious truths automatically assumed when true intention is revealed.
Instead we seek validation through a smile, a laugh.
Part of ourself hidden.
A habit of not wanting to project what we feel we lack.
Overvalued on whether or not happiness is then assumed,
Instead of saying how we truly feel.
We normally put ourselves on hold.
Fearing that our mouths may differ in opinion,
that how we truly feel.
May not be what the other person expects, or wants to hear.
Further putting ourselves at confrontation with what we truly feel.
Not truly knowing the risk that comes with how much we truly love
And how much sacrifice is required.
How often we express our likes and dislikes
How often do they go ignored
Yet we place blame on ourselves for not revealing how we truly feel

A little prose

“Dear you, I don’t really know where to start and I also don’t really know where I want to head to. But I’ll try, since in the end, it is all I’ve ever done with you, isn’t it?”

So ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you a story. It isn’t a story about love, or grieve, or passion, or death. It won’t make you feel better, or sadder, or fuller, or emptier.

This is just a way for me to communicate. With you. With the person in the story. With me.

So this is a story about a girl. A bit broken, a bit fragile, but very deep, and hopeful. And caring, loving for the world about her.

Just as it happens every day, this girl fell for someone.

Just a simple
Little
act.

A crush at first. And just like all crushes, there was hope, and the excitement that added up with it,
But there was also fear and pain, that, in a way,
this flame shall be wrongfully turned off.

Not to mention it,
but that is what happened.
More or less.

Because as this girl, as fragile as she was, thought that she would find in him the strength she was looking for, the protection she had long lost and the safety she needed,

Little did she know,
That this boy was nothing
But a similar
Different
Copy of her.

He was a bit
Fragile
And a bit
broken
And still very deep
[like her]
But,
[as opposed to her]
He was hopeless.

That was their difference.


So when the girl thought that he might finally accept her for who she was
that we would find in her the dream he was looking for
he struggled to do so, not because she wasn't enough
or wasn't good enough for him
not because he didn't fancy her
just
because
he thought she would end up hurting him.
You see,
Just like her
He too needed protection


Sometimes, somehow,
he thought
She might have been the one
For him

The one who’d stand with him
No matter what, the one who’d support him and his ideas and
take care of his monsters


He never thought she’d bring him down
never.


He just thought,
that just as simply,
He wasn’t going to be good for her.
That she deserved better.


And so,
Just as simply
What she thought instead
Was that he wasn’t going to want her,
That she deserved better.


Hence!
The girl
And the boy
Moved on.

Without having a memory of them together
Without taking the time to create any memory
frankly
Without developing more profound feelings
Without
learning to fall in love.
Without
Loving.

So now they are parted.
A passive smile or a hello when they cross each other
but they
Stopped talking about the other to friends
Stopped believing in the idea that somehow,
They were the soulmate they were looking for.

Thus as one of them now thinks
“Maybe he just didn’t want me”
the other thinks
“Maybe I should have told her I needed her when I had the chance”.

One is convinced
He’ll never want her back
And the other that
She doesn’t want him anymore.

And both of them,
Without even knowing it
Were meant for each other,
But lost it.

So this is my story. I was the girl. I still think he never really wanted me in the end. That I was never what he needed. After all, he always knew that I was ready to commit to him
And be there for him
And stand by him

I don’t know what he believes
If the things I think he thinks
Are really there
Or just in a dream of my mind.

But whoever you are,
If you need someone,
Please let them know,
If they tell you they need you,
If they prove it in every way they can to you,
Please believe them.
Please
Please
please.


I feel there is nothing more painful;
Than watching your effort
Go to waste.

It has become an unbearable thought to drag around this body that no longer feels like my own

I hate that I know its limits and lacks,
It's excess and ungodly elaborations

I hate that I feel stuck

And erasing my outlines won't change the already coloured-in picture,

So I guess I'll have to make use of magic markers to add and deduct some inner colours in order to feel weightless once again.

Sing to me.
Calm the ferocious
                                   t r e m b l i n g
of my hands.
Rid me of the anxieties
begging access to my consciousness.

Sing to me.
Lay to rest these thoughts that swear
I will
          never
                     be
                           enough
                                         for you.
Hold me as the Earth
threatens to c
                        r
                          u
         ­                    m
                          b
                        l
         ­            e
beneath my feet.

Sing to me.
Ignite the fire laying dormant in my soul
and I will keep you warm.
Soothe these aching bones that cry for you
each time you
                l e a v e.

Sing to me.
Lull my heavy heart to sleep
on the nights that I cannot do it myself.
Love me
                as I love you.
And feel the sun from both sides.