To find something that was not there before,
To stare at a telephone that will not ring,
With a tiredness of the eyes and a taint of the heart.
To notice that sometimes words are not enough.

To follow the dances of strange fingerprints,
To terrorize the etchings on the skin,
To burn last nights cigarettes into the lips.
To distract the longing of the heart.

To know a moment in many different ways,
To understand that it could not exist,
To wonder if it was ever there at all.
To find a sincerity in delusion.

To understand the power moonbeams,
How they mar the bones, in their fictions,
To know the subtle parallels of love and hate,

How they act as partners in crime.

To the devastating follies that transpired in the night.
So hauntingly lovely.
That one may not mind carrying them,
Like sad love letters, clinging to the loneliness of secret places.


It's the type of sadness you don’t really mind noticing.
-


*"I wish I could kiss you all night."
"Maybe you just might."

Who am I?
Who should I be?
What makes me me, what do others see?

Who am I?
A broken man?
Shattered and weak, unable to stand?

Who am I?
Lost and alone?
Have I misplaced the light that You have shown?

Who am I?
Just a small, dreary soul?
Have I given up hope; have I lost all control?

I feel for so long like I’ve focused
on selecting the right words
and stringing them together poetically
my speaking voice has suffered
and word ***** ensues, bits of
chewed up residue from when I
had a coherent thought
I speak in breaks
          pauses
I peruse my inner word bank
and waste time deciding on
which ones to choose
rather letting them flow
as a stream of consciousness

Shoulders back
Head up
Lips soft
Hair swaying
*******
Waist minimized
Hips squared
Nice ***
Legs long
Feet delicate


She walks with a purpose
with a grace
that leaves boys drooling at her feet

Her peers try to steal them away
she sneaks in though,
stealing all of their gazes.

She never settles,
she only takes the best
and never leaves any for the rest.

All it takes is a smile
and a giggle,
and they come running.

She's smart and funny,
poised and controlled,
loved and lusted for.

How I am envious of her,
she would make me the prize of my town,
but instead she makes me the ***** of the internet.

She has stolen men from their wives,
money from their wallets,
and robbed boys of their lives.

I think that this new one,
could be the one to take me away,
but she knows.

She knows that he is only a toy
and she the cat,
playing with him so carefully.

I will run away when he comes around,
and she will keep him at a safe distance
while I cry over my decisions.

I can't win
Because without her no man will want me,
But with her no man can have me.

As I ponder what to write
I think of the only constant in my life
What’s kept me going and guessing
I speak of love

From the age of three I had the feeling
By the age of five a girl was stealing
My heart it was a little crush
It was still love

It was up in the air
The feelings weren’t returned
Fell in despair
My naïve heart was burned

At age eleven puberty had hit hard
There was a new girl a new start
She had a tight grip on my heart
What was lust I thought was love

High school came and changed my world
And that’s cause there were three girls
But the pain makes my toes curl
Another complicated tale of love
Its up in the air
My first real love
Two years toiled in pain
I didn’t care
I had gone insane


So naïve
So unsure
And now I grieve
But I want more

Soon after I started fresh
Now this one was the best
But I had doubts so I left
I walked out on love

You see it was too good to be true
I was ****** and worried and confused
I wanted her back but she refused
I don’t think I deserve love

Up in the air
She’ll never come back
I don’t care
It fades to black

Maybe I should be alone

Or go after lust

Answers never shown

And this feeling I don’t trust
It's up in the air

With you, it’s all mechanics.
Engineered reactions, if they register at all.
The gears never stop turning until
you ask me what do I want, and the
only thing I can think to say is
”Not you" so I say I’m unsure.
I lie, automatically. I’ve been
programmed to hide how I feel, but you’re
the engineer trying to fix me, to
rewire my intangible feelings.
I like to play with you, and lay with you.
But I can not see myself staying with you.
I care for you, about you, but I will never
fall in love with you. Your scent fills my nostrils
when we are together, but doesn’t linger
after we part. I want you to stay in my life, but
there is no special den for you in my heart.
My heart is heavy with the absence of passion,
the weight of the guilt bogs down my senses.
I lay lifeless, cold.

Am I losing hold?
In a hurricane thought storm
Little deaths on the television
Remind me of my inactions

Said I’d even myself
Out, after giving into self
Doubt. Unstable, leaning toward self
Harm, while the world tumbles itself
Round

Bitter at my own lack
Feel the fire dying in my breath
While the world
Burns and breaks and blisters in a growing wreck

Did my stutter break another heart?
Did my whisper **** that child?
Too quiet for him to hear the reason
I searched for myself, at sixteen

Is every stilted thought, wasted potential / opportunity
To better myself, better the world,
And every person I'll ever meet?

I will not let
Hesitation
Separate
Soul from body
Ever again

I am not lifeless
I am not cruel
I will not be a bystander
I swear

I am not lifeless
I am not cruel
I will not be a bystander
I swear
Ever again

Can’t catch this hue of you
I’m a scathing black in the midnight blues
An overcast sky, blanketing blister-paced eyes
Hangs right above my neck

I’ve brewed restless ache
It settles deep in the space
Between my lusts and restraints
Scared to death either way

I’ve let the blood in my skin
Sink into bones and teeth
Crimson flush under limbs
Stiffer than death

I’m all I lack

3/5/2014

Decisions,
Directions,
Conflicts,
Connections.

Who's to say I know best?
Everyday is just a test.

To move or to stay.
To breathe or decay.
To love or abate.
To rebel or obey.
To commit or to stray.

Every kiss begins with K,
but then you factor in fate.
I lead a life of ambition,
with no room for indecision.
But I just don't know what's next.
All I do is try my best.

I can't complain or compare,
The results would be unfair.
I have lots, and others little,
yet life, still gets fickle.

I have little family and fewer friends,
who stay until the end?
I'm not worried or sad.
I just wish that I had:
stayed,
prayed,
paid,
or given away.

You live and you learn.
You decide and get burned,
but thus is life.
Everything happens for a reason.
We'll see what happens next season.

Time.
Time to pick.
Time to choose.
Time to stick.
No time to lose.

Compare.
Contrast.
Pro vs Con.

"Decisions, decisions."
I knew all along.